Suicidal, desperately need help. What is going on?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by RawMoon, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. RawMoon

    RawMoon Fapstronaut

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    Dear All,

    First of all, thank you for taking the time to open this thread and read it. I will post this on another porn forums probably, and not because I am spamming, but to get help.

    I heard about nofap in 2013.....and 4 years later I cannot quit. However, this is not all, and I want to explain what is going on and I wish somebody can explain it to me and offer me solutions.

    When I first started nofap in 2013 (summer), I wanted to quit PMO. By that point in time, all pornography had stopped giving me a buzz. I had to watch strange things, like women farting to wack off.

    I would get a few weeks or even a few months off (1 month here or even 2 months at one point), but would always inevitably relapse.

    But when I relapsed, NEW and more extreme behaviours would kick in. I suddenly started doing strong things to myself whilst masturbating and found myself drawn back into transexual porn. The thought would come into my head randomly, intrusively you may say, and there would be NO ability of myself to control this via willpower. I would get an enormous pre-anticipation rush and get really dizzy and nauseous in excitement.

    In 2015, I even went 89 days abstinent with some fantasy and looking at things like the Daily Mail column, but it was damn impressive. I relapsed after 88 days and felt greatly ashamed.

    Then, about a week after that, so I'm september 2015, I woke up with the STRONGEST urges, so overpowering to see a transexual escort. That idea literally came in out of the blue. I had actually had that thought about a year ago in september 2014, but brushed it off because I did not feel that it agreed with my sexuality. This particular incident literally brought my life crashing, crashing down. I went back a few times, because I actually felt like going back but at the same time hated myself for doing this.

    So if you look at my pattern of addiction, from the point I heard about nofap and first tried to sop to the time we are now, you could say that there was an overall pattern of escalation. The abstinent time has not done anything if you like. I got weeks here and there, 2 months (twice) and then 88 days, and then a fucking transexual escort. What the fuck! The cravings in 2106 were so so overpowering that it felt like the side of my head was on fire. I had to drink alcohol a few times to calm down and could not even concentrate. A few times, I thought that I was going to be sick and vomit - that's how strong the cravings were. In summer 2016, the addiction changed AGAIN and I had cravings to se men anonymously for sex. I started messaging men online, but thankfully, I did not go. So my cravings ARE GETTING WORSE and stronger. Believe me guys, I have great willpower and I am no bitch, but this is like special forces-style intensity that I am dealing with.

    What the hell do I do? The stress, anxiety and bullshit of all this (plus other areas of my life like health) just started crashing down, and I have developed depersonalisation/derealisation (DP/DR).

    My doctor gave me naltrexone but it made me feel worse. That could be because of the DP/DR state that I am in, because my brand chemistry feels altered. My doctor said that we could try an antipsychotic called Amisulpriude which blocks dopamine D2 and D3 receptors and raised prolactin levels, which brings libido down.

    Does anybody know of any medications or even any strategy on what to do next?

    THANK YOU,
    RawMoon
     
  2. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

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    Avoid PMO all together it's the only way if you ever want to feel better. Medication won't fix it. You need to stop it and give your body the chance to re-adjust you are clearly in withdrawal, i.e. you gave your body time to get into withdrawal but you don't give it enough time to get out of it.
     
  3. dhw87

    dhw87 Fapstronaut

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    Me too had urge kick in out of the blue sometimes, listening to worship song, joining sports or others community and add more activities to your daily live would help, if you re so busy, exhausted and have many other things to think or do it can help to stop that urges, at least that works for me although I'm still in my 15 days of rebooting
     
  4. I would strongly advise against antipsychotic medication unless you have a diagnosis of psychosis. Have you tried increasing social interaction as a means of complimenting your reboot?
     
  5. silenteagle

    silenteagle Fapstronaut

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    Your PMO addiction has some underlying cause,which you are not targeting yet.You need to figure that out and take immediate steps to tackle it-meditating,stopping fantasising to name a few.
     
    Strength And Light likes this.
  6. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

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    According to my best experience and knowledge - all cravings, urges, emotions, tenions, fantasies comes from mind. From fantasy to action leads a small step. We are very often fantasizing or starting to feed urges without realizing it. Meditating (or being mindul) could help you as it gives you awareness to recognize those very first moments. For example I'm on my 11th day and with being mindful I have choice - I'm killing every urge in first 3-5 seconds or I'm going deep into that urge and recognizing what this urge (or emotion) means. Very often urge is in deeper meaning the longing for love, connection (very often with your very self). And as I recognize the true meaning of them, I'm becaming more calm, feel a bit more powerful and urge cames away or rather dissolute.
    Overall I see your symptoms as a healing ,despite that your mind is trying to trick you to give him dose of domapine.
    You must accept that you are addicted, that you have weird fantasies that may lead to weird situations.
    Mind is the trickiest thing you will meet in life, and understanding how it works will help you in every sphere of life, not only in sexual sphere. You cant overcome addiction with willpower because eventually it leads to fail and leaves you feel like shit. And addictions isn't problem itself, it's a sign of deeper problem. Drinking alcohol as a way of distraction leads to nowhere.

    But it's my experience and as I don't know you and how much suicidal you feel, consider this post as a possibility, not as the only possible way. If you are in serious state you should firstly seek professional help and stick to it.

    here is talk on mental illness from Eckhart Tolle (his book 'Power of now' i started to change my life habits.)
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2017
    better life likes this.
  7. Mateo89

    Mateo89 Fapstronaut

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    RawMoon,

    Assuming you were once a healthy straight male, what you are experiencing is your brain constantly chasing a dopamine high, very similar to drug abuse. You need more and more to feel anything. Regular porn escalates to hardcore, then to fetishes, etc. You must come to the realization that you are HEAVILY addicted to porn, and your reward pathways need serious recovery. That is why you are getting these weird homosexual urges. Your brain is finding whatever means to get that dopamine high. You must also address other lifestyle issues that may be coinciding with this addiction; not limited to
    excessive videogames, junk food, alcohol, drugs, fantasizing, etc.

    With that said, be proud that you've begun this NoFap journey and gotten successful streaks, i promise you they didnt go in vain. During that time your brain did begin to recovery. Stick with it and you will recover. Best thing you can do is not to panic when you get strange symptoms, but accept them as part of the recovery. And continue to voice your thoughts here, we are here to help.

    Mateo
     
  8. AyeeAyeeRonn

    AyeeAyeeRonn Fapstronaut

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    Here's a tip: stop counting the days since you last PMO'd
    It's the same concept of going on a diet, you go into dieting with the conception that you only have to do it for a certain number of days to lose weight, you will relapse back into poor eating habits. This has to be a life style change, and with a life style change there is absolutely no need to count the days. Also, you need to understand that your mind is actively working against you because of your addiction, the part of your mind called "ego". If you treat those thoughts of relapse as the enemy, it will become much easier, because you understand that it isn't "you" wanting to PMO, it is just your mind/brain chasing a dopamine hit. Hope this helps
     
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  9. RawMoon

    RawMoon Fapstronaut

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    mateo, if my brain did go into recovery, then why did I get worse/relpase onto new activities? I really don't understand that. i thought that if you got abstinent time, then surely you would go the other way and the urges would decrease and the behaviours would go down. maybe the "reboot" does not exist for some people like myself who used so much and started so young (at points combined porn with getting high, drunk, stoned etc) :(o_O
     
  10. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

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    Read the success stories. You can reboot whenever you want even if you've been addicted for over 10 years.
    Nofap means no P, no M and no O. You should avoid all stimulants for a long period of time as well. Some say 90 days, but to be honest if your addiction is severe it will take longer you can't just expect to be fully recovered after 90 days, BUT you will already feel better about yourself. Your conscience will be better, your outlook will be better and you'll be more positive. Withdrawal symptoms such as depression, nervousness could be lingering even at that point. You'd best assume that it will take longer. Severe addiction sometimes needs up to two years to be gone. If you've been addicted for over a decade why expect to be better in just 3 months, doesn't make sense. Time heals all wounds but you'll just need more time. And hey, the gradual progress makes it all worth it! Take care.
     
  11. IGY

    IGY Guest

    What is going on? Hmm, good question! The title of the thread is "suicidal"... but I can find no mention of a wish to die! :confused:
     
  12. RawMoon

    RawMoon Fapstronaut

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  13. IGY

    IGY Guest

  14. Maddey

    Maddey Fapstronaut

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    watch this it will tell you the root cause of ur relaps
     
  15. Mateo89

    Mateo89 Fapstronaut

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    RawMoon,

    Thanks for your reply, and I can understand your frustration
    I can name potentially 2 valid reasons for this:

    1. You may have still very well have been in the heart of your recovery/withdrawal phase. This is where your brain does whatever in its power to bring you back into PMO. Its not uncommon for many straight males to start getting strange homosexual thoughts months into their NoFap. It is a way for the brain to overcompensate for the lack of pornographic stimuli. 90 days is still early. Heavy porn users require a minimum of 6 months to see changes, and notice withdrawals for up to 3 -6 months. Check out this addiction model

    https://terrygorski.com/2014/07/11/the-matrix-model/

    2. Watching your thoughts is important during withdrawals. Its all part of disciplining your mind to not be rewired to pornographic, artificial stimulation. So even if you went x amount of days without watching porn; if you were fantasizing about it and getting a rush, its essentially the same thing. When this happens, the best thing you can do is try and distract yourself - put an icepack on your balls, listen to music, pray, talk to someone, etc. You have to come to the realization your heavily addicted to a very dangerous compound, and serious recovery is required.

    Were all here for you,
    Your always welcome to comment and ask questions,
    Mateo
     
  16. RawMoon

    RawMoon Fapstronaut

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    I opened this thread again because I was going to post that you haven't given me any advice on wha to do when I notice myself fantasising, but I re-read your paragraph again, and I can see that you have. Thank you. I'm considering getting some professional help for this as well now.
     

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