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Sudden reset is hard for me

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Wife, May 29, 2017.

  1. Wife

    Wife New Fapstronaut

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    My husband told me yesterday he decided to do a ninety day reset in hard mode and that means no sex with me and it already started the day before. I asked him how much he masturbates and he says around two times per week. We only have sex once or twice a month, although I would like more and have made it clear. I believe he wants to do this primarily for benefits to his brain, motivation etc. I am feeling hurt and disrespected by his failure to consult with me, as well as angry about enduring even more lack of sex involuntarily. He says it's his decision and can't I be more than a chimpanzee. Feeling like I wish my punching bag was hung up. Just wanted to say that I know poem addiction is a real problem but wtf with denying your beautiful loving wife without a discussion first?
     
  2. Bearish

    Bearish Fapstronaut

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    He has no excuse to be cruel. He clearly misunderstands the nature of marriage: the two become one. That means his body and all that happens to it are your concern, as well as his. He is also misunderstanding the point of the reboot, if he only PMOs twice a week. It seems unlikely that his brain could be completely desensitized to dopamines. So it seems to me like there is other stuff going on. Therapy would surely be a good addition to the regime, since presumably the goal is a renewal of your marriage, as well as the resolution of any difficulties associated with PMO.

    My two cents.
     
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I wonder if your husband researched this thoroughly. I hope he has not simply read about the idea of abstaining from sex for a period of time without reading other threads which talk about how to get the most benefit out of his reboot. Many times it has been explained to new ones that it should NOT be a unilateral decision. After fully explaining his problem and his reasons it should be discussed and mutually agreed upon. Otherwise a spouse can feel resentful or punished. The spouse's needs and feelings are just as valid as the addicted spouse.

    An addict needs to not only deal with abstaining from porn, but they need to start repairing the damage to their relationships as well. Arbitrarily telling you this is how it's going to be is not a balanced approach. I hope you don't feel it's a reflection on this community. We want relationships to heal and couples to be happy again. We hope this turns out to be a minor bump in the road to a successful recovery.
     
  4. Hard to say! As I believe nofap exists to get free from porn and masturbation habits and have a normal sexual life. I believe your husband wants something too ideal, maybe it's his delusion that absolute celibate for 90 days will fix him? Without your help?
    Wish you luck!
     
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I've gone for a softer reboot: no masturbation for the reboot and no porn forever. I did not feel that sex with my wife was contributing to my need for porn as I don't fantasise then, I'm too subsumed in the moment. But that would be a very hard conversation to broach with your partner. Perhaps letting him know that others in his position have chosen a softer reboot mode will help you both to talk about it, and you are right - a unilateral decision was not fair. Good luck.

    ...

    Just back from a dog walk and I had another thought. You could suggest he tries a ninety-day 'normal mode' reboot and then reassess how he feels. Has it made it easier to resist porn? Does he feel good about himself? If the answers are "no" he could move on and try for a ninety-day 'hard mode' reboot but then you'd both feel part of the process and the decision. One of the things I love about this site is its experimental nature – people helping each other trying to work out what will enable them to give up porn.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2017
    Kenzi likes this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Agreed with kropo82.
    My SO started off just PM free, and when that didn't work he tried something more difficult... And as everything is progressing my SO added layers of defenses. It's a process. It will need to be tuned as you go anyway, there isn't going to be perfection as you jump in.
    It's good to hear he's got motivation, thats a necessary key, however constantly keeping you, his partner, out of the loop, is unwarranted behavior, in my opinion...
    I'm not sure why he feels the need for so much constant distance.
    If I were you, that would be the question I would ask, because it seems to me, as a reader that's the real thing in this situation.
    Lots of different kinds of distance. Emotional, physical, communicative, etc.

    I wish you the best, and remember we are all going through ebbs and flows, that's what makes this forum great.
    If you want to reach out, we are here.
     
  7. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I agree he should have discussed this with you first as it effects you and is not fair to you. My partner is not doing hard mode we still have sex. For some men that can be helpful as it can for the couple overall. But for other men it just triggers them and they can't handle it. Maybe he did not discuss it with you because he knew you would try to talk him out of it and he knows it's what he needs. It appears you expressed to him that you were unhappy with sex only two times a month (which is totally understandable for you to be upset about) but in his mind he knows that if he asked you if a no sex reboot was cool with you you would get angry and say no she he just makes the decision himself. Not okay at all for him to do just maybe trying to explain how he is thinking. For me I think it would depend on how committed to stopping he seems. Is he reading NoFap? Is he doing counseling? Is he being honest with you? How many times has he tried to quit before? If he is doing other things then I would try to do your best to be supportive. Think of it like this. If going 90 days without sex means your sex live together will be better overall and that you will have sex more than twice a month is it worth it to you? I kmow as someone whose partner used to turn her down for sex how much it when you have a partner who turns you down and then masturbates. You are already angry, resentful and sex deprived and now this? When it comes down to it only hou can decide what you are okay with and whatever that is that's okay you need not feel guilty or bad. Sex is a basic human need and when you are committed you only have the one person as an outlet.
     
  8. McBuster

    McBuster Fapstronaut

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    Like others have said already, it should be about restoring sex life between partners. Maybe hard reboot is needed, but it cannot be unilateral decision.
     

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