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Struggling with coming across as too needy/desperate

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by volt8721, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    Hey all, long time poster here, this is just a new account with a similar name after I deleted my original account. PMO'd for 10 years with very little dating experience even though I am 30 years old. Even before the pmo started I was never one to go on dates or actively flirt with girls. When I pmo'd girls in real life just didn't do it for me so every time I tried I fell on my face. Now that I've been actively beating this addiction for almost 2 years I am gaining some confidence in myself and finding myself attracted to girls again.

    My problem here is I've always had the tendency to act needy because in a way I feel like I'm desperate to have a girlfriend or even just have a girl in my life who gives me genuine attention, because it's such an awesome feeling having that when all these years prior I was a loner with no real friends. I've definitely gotten better at not acting this way but it still lingers in me since I tend to get attached too early in meeting girls.

    Case in point, I went on a date with a girl last week and really connected well with her. We're both into fitness and she's insinuated that she wants to workout/run with me to help push her. A few days after the date we did a crossfit class together where we connected even more. I know I need to take it slow and let things naturally progress, but the neediness and need for her attention is creeping up in the back of my mind which is really bugging me. I realize this is just a really bad habit I need to break, which I feel like I have about half-way, but it's still a part of my mindset. Example, if I don't get a text back relatively quickly or they send responses with a few words I get upset. I probably just need to get over it and not let my mind wander to thinking she's not interested, but it's still a part of how I think since I did that for so many years, because I created a desperate mindset since so few girls talked to me.

    I know I need to just keep putting myself out there and meet more people and keep busy so these things don't bother me as much. It's just hard when I've gone this long and never had a real relationship. I guess I'm just asking for any advice on how to break this habit and not act in a needy way, and to hopefully hear from someone who may have been this way and how they got out of that mindset.
     
  2. I'm similar to you bud...I struggle a bit with neediness...what you need to do as you said is "meet more people" new friends, and get comfortable being alone/just being you. Take yourself out on a date, on a Friday night, and own it. Tell yourself your gonna do it and enjoy it and the mentality and mood will follow. if you dont get a quick call back dont think of it as anything against you.
    Sounds like youre making good progress with the girl just dont overthink it, find a hobby, dont make her your hobby
     
    volt8721 likes this.
  3. Kyle19865

    Kyle19865 Fapstronaut

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    I can relate 100% to this. it is exactly what I am going through right now. I have just started a new relationship and over the past few days I have felt really insecure about it. On the rare occasion I get together with a girl I think I get too attached too early and it seems to fall apart pretty quickyl and leave me depressed. I work 4 days of 12 hour shifts so I still arent going to see her for a few days and when I dont hear much from her I start to feel like I am panicking and start to feel really ill which is not good when you are at work and cant seem to think of anything else
     
    volt8721 likes this.
  4. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the replies @unfailing and @Kyle19865, I really appreciate it. I think part of why I struggle with neediness and attention is from a couple of things which I need to work on. The first being that I have never had a girlfriend, have just a handful of friends and very little family that I feel doesn't support me emotionally as much as I would like. This has led me to get attached to anyone, but specifically girls, who show an interest in me.

    Think of it like I'm starving from not having any food to eat, and when I am presented with food I devour it as fast as I can because I feel like my body needs it desperately, instead of eating it slow and enjoying it. I end up getting sick or worse choke on it because I wasn't thinking about anything but fulfilling my need for food. Pretty funny analogy I just thought of haha.

    The other major thing that I've recently realized why I might become so attached so soon is because of my previous instant-gratification habits I had. With porn there is no getting up the courage to talk to the girl, engaging in a conversation with her, gaining her interest, asking for her number, going on a date, and flirting with her to create attraction, it's just, *click, click, click* and boom, a million different girls of all types in an instant that required little to no work to obtain.

    My previous experience with girls was completely wrong in that I always focused on myself and my needs and completely pushed their needs to the side, because I was so giddy just to have them to talk to. It's a bummer that I'm late to the party per say with this but I am so thankful that by quitting porn and masturbation I have the clarity to see my mistakes and to own up to them so I can learn and move on instead of spinning my wheels, which is all I did when I was addicted to porn.
     
    akrivane likes this.
  5. Kyle19865

    Kyle19865 Fapstronaut

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    My problem is although there has been girls it has never lasted long. On more than one occasion I met someone we had a lot of fun for a short time and then they cooled off, leaving me feeling completely worthless it's a pattern that has repeated itself on several occasions and I am desperate for it to work this time. I am at work and won't get to see her until Thursday and I just have this feeling that it's going to be over then, we're still texting but in my paranoid mind I can't help but think she doesn't want to do it knowing I am stuck at work and will feel worse for it. And it is almost giving me mild panic attacks i just wish I could get that feeling out of my head as my friend who I confided in was the first to tell me I'm just being paranoid which I hope is the case but I am terrified of being rejected again it is making me ill
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
    lgustavoms and volt8721 like this.
  6. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    I'm that exact same way so know you're not alone, and we're just the minority that are talking about it, I know there are plenty of guys the same way. I've had a good handful of girls interested in me and go out to do a few things with me but they always ended early, leaving me feeling empty and defeated since none of them ever progressed further. This also made me feel desperate and thus made me feel like I had to do everything in the world to impress her, when in fact I did the opposite by not showing interest in her. I even, if you can believe it, told myself that I was cursed to never have a girlfriend. Pretty pathetic.

    If this girl is genuinely interested in you then you being at work isn't a bad thing, if anything it'll make when you guys meet up that much more special since you haven't seen each other for a while. Be careful with the texting, you don't want to lead yourself into just being her texting buddy or text her so much that you have nothing to talk about when you do meet up.

    It sounds like you're in your head too much and thinking of the negative outcomes too much. I understand it, that's why I created this thread! But you can't let something like that run through your head constantly and potentially make you sick, upset or just ruin your mood for the day. What I've been telling myself, which I am very confident in as I do have my life finally together, is if whatever girl I'm currently talking to doesn't want to have interest in me it's her loss because I'm a great guy and she's missing out on something special she could have in her life. I don't know where you are along your nofap journey, but quitting porn for me helped me finally see women in a natural light for once where I can see their flaws and don't think of them as these perfect beings that can do no wrong. That alone helps me not get attached to every single one that smiles at me.

    I know you really want it to work this time but you have to become comfortable with the fact that sometimes they don't all work out, which means you just have to keep putting yourself out there until something does. Another analogy I've thought of in this specific example is applying for a job. You might send out 100 applications and not get a reply from any of them. But you just have to keep your head up and keep applying because eventually one of the companies will say yes. And for every company that says no, that's a bummer because they just lost an opportunity to hire someone special.
     
    lgustavoms likes this.
  7. Kyle19865

    Kyle19865 Fapstronaut

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    1 month, it hasn't been that hard to be honest meeting this girl helped a lot and thanks man appreciate the advice all will be clear Tomorrow I just have to get through one more night shift and try not to think so negative. I wish I knew about this place sooner
     
  8. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    Meeting girls does help a ton, which is great because it's, for me at least, the exact opposite of what I used to do, which helps to break that old habit. Yep, just worry about getting through your work day and whenever you find yourself thinking negatively just try to shift your thoughts to something positive as soon as you can. Example in your case: Yes this girl may be causing you stress since you want to meet up with her and you're afraid it might not work out, but be happy that you met her in the first place and could potentially have something with her. That's better than the alternative of falling back to pmo without anyone to chat to or think about!

    I'm the same about knowing about NoFap and pmo, but I can't let that fact upset me, I'm just happy I DID find out about these forums and the negatives of pmo. Would I like to have all my years back when I was needy, socially anxious, overweight and with no direction in my life? Of course, but that doesn't matter now, what matters is that I make the most of everyday and to learn from my past. I know it's cliche but you only life once, or like I like to say, life is too short, so make the most of it!
     
  9. Nothing wrong with that...also to add...throw out your sorry's and regret's, they do nothing for you.
     
  10. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    Absolutely! Nowadays I use my previous regrets or the possibility of having a regret as my main motivation to keep going!
     
  11. wanohasama

    wanohasama New Fapstronaut

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    I used to be really needy, and it completely ruins my relationship with the girl I'm dating, not sure if this will help but I was able to stop being needy by being confident (there's a lot of tutorial of how to be confident out there), also by dating or meeting multiple new girls you'll feel detached from the girl you like at the moment, not really need to date them but talking and making friends with girls does help, it'll even make the girl you like looks at you as a more confident and popular person so she has to work herself to get you instead.
     
    volt8721 likes this.
  12. Runtilmylegsdropoff

    Runtilmylegsdropoff Fapstronaut

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    Work on yourself and your life to the point where you're very happy and content with yourself and you don't need that validation from a girlfriend. Being needy/desperate is like repellent to most sane women. Don't be that guy. Also don't put women on a pedestal.
     
  13. cenas32

    cenas32 Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys, i can relate to all of your stories. I had very similar experiences, and i still struggle sometimes with this neediness. I think, as some of you already said, it's just about enjoy your life first (without any girl) and having fun with more then one girl also helps. When we get stuck to this one girl, that's when the neediness starts to arise. Have fun in your life, enjoy yourself and watch all the opportunities you have everyday to reassure you that in fact you don't really need this one girl. There are plenty of attractive/interesting girls everyday. And when you realize that, that's when you start to be able to maybe enjoy this one special girl without that neediness, and that will definitely attract her to you also.

    This guy really helps me out to overcome this problem. If you didn't watch it yet, you're gonna love it.


    Cheers!
     
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2017
  14. Damn! That guy is so irritating! I couldn't imagine anyone being attracted to him tbh. I couldn't even watch it past 5 mins!
     
  15. Foobarsan

    Foobarsan Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys.
    I would suggest Corey Wayne's book; how to become a 3% man. Which tackle the topic of coming of as needy etc.
    I've been struggling with this myself for i don't know how long. I've actually managed to date a girl which i thought i had no chance of cause of this.
     
    volt8721 likes this.
  16. volt8721

    volt8721 Fapstronaut

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    @cenas32 thank you for the video link, I've heard about those RSD videos but never watched them, I'll definitely take some time to watch it! @Foobarsan I actually bought his book a while ago and watch some of his videos but haven't put in the effort to read it 5-10 times like he suggests haha, but I probably need to to really understand the material.

    I actually have about 10 books on dating/attracting women/etc, and while a lot of it makes sense in the books I seem to actually struggle in real life applying what's taught; ie still gravitate towards being needy. As coach Corey Wayne famously says, "repetition is the mother of skills" so I know I just need to keep at it and begin to apply different tactics if I want to change anything. Heck the reason why I tend to be on the needier side is because I repeatedly acted that way, basically training myself to be so.

    @Runtilmylegsdropoff Definitely! I used to be that needy, clingy guy who put girls on pedestals but I am tired of thinking like that and most definitely don't want to be that guy anymore. I can already tell by distancing myself from this girl and just enjoying myself that I'm not thinking about her or feeling eager to text her like I previously would in these situations.
     
    Foobarsan likes this.

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