Struggling through a P induced marriage seperation

I am here, I have not killed the addict, but I have locked him in a cage. That is all any of us can hope for, you are never not an addict - you are just closer to your Self than the addict. You have to continually re-enforce the cage and stay strong.

You and I have a common story my friend. I relate to your story in a way that is some how comforting, I am not alone. I am not saying that your story fills me with joy, but I sense your empathy. Thanks very much for that.

@GG2002 thanks for your kind words. I really am trying to be the best version of myself I can be, and hope one day soon we can sit down and talk through the journey I've been on. I am in a much better place now, I understand myself so much better, and hope that one day I can use this knowledge to build a foundation for a relationship that can weather any challenges. I know it will never have to weather a storm of P addiction, I will continue to fight that.

Thanks so much for contributing, I need this dialogue to continue to grow.

Stay safe, LP.

 

Thanks @Ignatius McLumfer for the feedback. I wish I would of taken one of the previous ultimatums in the same way you have. Yes it is difficult for you, but I am in a far more difficult position - significantly made of my own actions (or inactions). Cherish this opportunity, work through it, open and honest communication is the key. I have significantly benefited from improving my own ability to communicate vulnerability and shame and improve my empathetic skills. One resource that has helped me considerably is by Dr Brene Brown. Her work on Vulnerability and Shame have had a profound impact on me, my personal and professional interactions and my own personal fear of being seen as not good enough. She has some TEDx talks on these topics that are a taste of her message, but the real value is in listening to her speak in entirety. Her prowess at story-telling enables you to go on the journey with her. I know that I would not be in a position where I can talk so openly and honestly without this fundamental shift in my mind - her message in 'Don't puff up, don't shrink away - just turn up and try' - this has been fundamental in improving my communication skills and my ability to try things I am uncomfortable with. By doing this, I have realised just how powerful that is with people that are trying to connect with you.

Good luck on your journey, and if you need to talk through anything - let me know. We can all use some help, support and perspective at times.

Best of luck

LP

 

So - I think we all know that using Porn releases a Dopamine hit to your Neurotransmitters and Orgasm releases Oxytocin - these two are the feel good chemicals that continue to draw you back to get that hit. This is the same action that draws people into drug, food, gambling, shopping, whatever addictions. There is a secondary effect however, the continual release of a flood of Dopamine starts to switch off the other Neurotransmitters, such that the only thing that gives you the happy drug hit is PMO, your brain is reconditioned and those things you use to enjoy aren't as fun anymore. Importantly this is a similar brain reaction to depression. Here is an excerpt from a good no-nonsense book on Depression that I have read to help inform me about the links to addictions. This has also helped me fundamentally shift my brain to take pleaseure in achieving little things, and has been important for fighting back against this addiction.

"Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression" by Robert Duff

"that there are three main neurotransmitters involved when depression takes hold. Those neurotransmitters are serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. You’ve probably heard of dopamine before. This is the neurotransmitter that makes you feel pleasure. Some people call it the “feel good molecule.” Let me put it this way … a lot of “recreational” drugs act by providing a rush of dopamine that makes you feel awesome and rewards your behavior, which can eventually lead to addiction (we’ll save that for another book). There are some really interesting things that happen with neurotransmitters that can make your brain all out of whack. Remember in that description above how there were two neurons: one sender and one receiver? The space between those two neurons is called the “synapse.” When you take illegal drugs like cocaine, you artificially flood that synapse with dopamine. The result is that the receiving neuron (#2) goes, “Holy shit! I feel great, but we have WAY too much dopamine over here. HEY JOHN (neuron #1) YOU CAN STOP MAKING DOPAMINE. WE GOT TONS!” Your brain adapts quickly to changes like this to keep you in a lovely balanced homeostasis. That means that it will “down regulate” production of dopamine and will turn on those “closed for business” signs on the receptor sites of the receiving neuron. If you were to suddenly take away that drug, you brain would still be used to this new norm of not having to produce dopamine, and suddenly you have that anhedonia that we talked about. Everything feels like shit. For depression that involves low motivation and lethargy, the outcome is basically the same, but the process is a little bit different. The second, receiving end, neuron will also turn on its “closed for business” sign if it doesn’t get much dopamine knocking at its door. It’s sort of like supply and demand.

Think of it like a bar or a restaurant; if there are only a few patrons that come in throughout the week, the place is going to start reducing the hours it’s open so that it doesn’t lose so much money. If neuron #1 stops sending dopamine patrons to the pub over at neuron #2, they will start to close for business more often, and any dopamine that is produced may never result in making you feel happy. That, in turn, will make neuron #1 go, “Well screw that guy,” and start sending less and less patrons over since they always end up coming back and saying, “Dude that place sucks. It wasn’t even open when we went by.” Friends. This is why everything feels so shitty. Your brain has just acquired a really bad habit of not making as much dopamine and also not even converting the dopamine to feelings of pleasure when it is generated. This is a WAY overly simplistic description of how it works, but I hope it helps you understand a bit more about why it can be so hard to get the damn ball rolling in the middle of a depressive episode. You are literally fighting against your biology. That’s the thing, though. Since you are a kickass human being, you do have the power to fight against your biology. You can say, “Hey asshole, I know that you’ve gotten used to the way things are, but it’s time for you to start getting back into shape.” You can literally retrain your brain to derive pleasure from things that used to feel awesome to you. Think of the bar example again. If neuron #1 suddenly starts sending a ton of patrons over to the pub at neuron #2, the doors will not reopen immediately. The owner of the pub will hear that they missed out on a ton of business and then maybe open up a few more days during the next week to see if the trend keeps up. If neuron #1 stays consistent and keeps sending people down to neuron #2 to get turnt (read: drunk), the owner of the pub will be inclined to stay open more and more often. So when you do activities that are fun and pleasurable, you will be sending dopamine into that synapse. Over time, by staying consistent and forcing yourself to do those activities that were once pleasurable for you, you can train your brain to start opening for business and feeling happiness again. Pretty fucking awesome, if you ask me. The coolest part is that once you develop your neural groove again, the happiness and pleasure will start to become more effortless. Things that you didn’t even intend to make you happy will make you happy. "

Remember to celebrate the little victories and to push yourself to do the things you don't feel like doing, because you will feel better for it.

Stay safe, LP.

 

So - I write this while I sit on the couch next to my sleeping wife. It is hard to be so close, but to feel so far away. I am glad that we are still so good together in so many ways, but it also makes the relationship disconnection exceptionally raw. She is so important to me and here are a few reasons why; she has picked me up when I had low confidence, she challenges me from staying comfortable, she took such a small part of my biology and produced two amazing children, no matter how much we move we always have a home, she cares so much for people around her, she puts herself second so readily, I cannot stop smiling when she smiles, her talent for making things better is amazing, she is the right mix of grace and growl, and, despite my many flaws she loved me (there are so many more...). Maybe she still does a little, but she doesn't like the damage I've done.

I have to trust that she will one day recognise how committed I am to making her as happy as she deserves to be. Sitting here now it is difficult to understand just how much difficulty I have had making real changes before now, why it seemed impossible to not PMO, why it seemed like it was my entitlement. I really appreciate the perspective of other SOs in understanding the depth of damage I have done through that repeated choice, it has helped cement my accountability. The fundamental piece of my goal statement is at the start - fully committed to my family - I think previously I have only been partially committed to my family and battling a commitment to the Addict. I never spiralled to far into the addiction, but the Addict had a hold on me.

I am far from perfect, no one is, but I now understand myself better than I ever have before, and that is all anyone can hope for. Be more connected with your Self and you will form more meaningful relationships with others. As Brene Brown says, strive for wholehearted living and do not be afraid to be vulnerable.

Stay safe, LP.

 

Thanks for your feedback, but I know she is not ready yet. If I push my feelings and needs, I will push her away. I have to wait for a bit and see if she opens her barriers a little to let some of me through.

I love her and can wait a while longer, my short term hurt is nothing compared to the pain I've caused over our marriage because of my addiction. I now show her small continual signs of my affection; a clean house, dinner cooked, happy kids, small gifts to the house, finishing those jobs that accrued during my withdrawal, a scalp massage after a long day, etc. I hope that these will begin to restore the foundation of trust and intimacy and begin the walk of reparation and reconciliation.

One day she may read this and know I love her. One day I may talk her through it, but pushing my emotions will not help at the moment.

Stay safe, Leon.

 

Really struggling at the moment - not with PMO, but with the relationship. I am really proud to have made over 115 days - haven't been this long without M since I was 11(?), but I am no closer to being in a relationship with my Wife. I am shitty with myself about how relatively easy it has been to give that up, and with how much damage I could of avoided.

The current plan is for me to get a place for 6 months, then re-evaluate where we are. Had the kids this weekend, which is great, but I hate being a part time Dad. One of my fears is being realised - I am growing resentful of her attitude towards us. I have no right too, but it is having an effect on me. I have fought to put this off, knowing that it would be another barrier to us getting back together.

I hope that I can get past this, and I hope that this pain and discomfort is worth it. I am just not sure what could of changed in the mind of a SO in 6 months 'apart'.

Some times life is hard - sometimes we need to work harder. I've started some meditation, but work has been so busy I have been struggling to make the gym.

I hope I can get through this without giving up.

Stay safe people.

LP

 

So - first night in the new place - I now have to pay a lot more attention to controlling my environment and my thoughts.

I have a rental for three months at the moment, because I was going away for work for a few months around the end of the lease, but that may not go ahead. I'll have to see where we are around then...

Still don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I am a very different person than the one that started the journey in January. I am not sure of all the differences, but I certainly feel different. I have begun contemplating masturbation again, it has been a while now, and I am not sure I want to just wait for my Wife again. I just don't want it to be a trigger to undoing all my good work.

I really want to talk through things with my Wife, but she still wants space. Lets see what happens over the next month. Work is going to be crazy, so I will have plenty to keep me busy.

Stay safe - LP.