Struggling for Control

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by SecondChances82, Sep 9, 2018.

  1. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Hi there,
    I am not really sure what to put here or how to start, but every journey starts with the first step. Joining this site and being accountable for my actions is my first step.

    Today is my 36th birthday, and quite frankly I'm tired of porn and sex leading my life.

    I was sexually abused by a cousin from the time I was 12 until I was 16 years old. During this time I found my brother's porn stash and that started my addiction. In my youth I could MO 7 or 8 times a day whether I was watching porn or not. I also racked up the sexual partners.

    Now that I turn 36 I look back on a marriage to a woman who was just as messed up as me sexually, raising 3 kids on my own, and stumbling into porn like sissy training and I can't get an orgasm from regular sex no matter how hard I try.

    I want to be free from this addiction and have healthy relationships. I am hoping this process will get me there. I'm looking forward to my second chance.
     
    spaces likes this.
  2. zanehe

    zanehe Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! This is your first big step!
    After a certain.amount of time, you may enjoy the real life sex. Please stay strong and let it happen!
     
  3. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    I opened up to a friend tonight about my struggle. He has been struggling on getting clean too. We are going to hold each other accountable with daily check-ins.
     
    zanehe likes this.
  4. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    This first night is rough. The woman I've been dating came over and we had some intimate time together, but I didn't get to orgasm. Now I find myself wanting to watch porn and masturbate for my release. It is really tough. I was close, but my rhythm got messed up and nothing happened. I may need to move to hard mode if this continues to be an issue. She's pretty supportive as I've been open and honest with her.
     
  5. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    I decided last night that I have to sleep with my bedroom door open. Since I like to keep my room as dark as possible I normally keep the door closed. This keeps the nightlight that is in the hallway from keeping me up at night. However, this also makes it so my kids can't see what I'm doing. By leaving it open I make it more difficult to fap.
     
    zanehe likes this.
  6. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Well 1 day down in the history books in no fapping. I think the longest I've ever gone in the past is a week or two. Today has been a long and stressful day and I really want some release right now, but I am not going to do it. As I've contemplated things throughout the day today I've come to a few realizations:
    1. I am very bitter at my ex-fiance for a couple of reasons:
      • She left out of the freaking blue and I gave up tons of things to be with her
      • The arrogant and condescending things she has said to me since our breakup.
    2. I'm bitter at myself for not realizing those things about her sooner and I ended up hurting my kids.
    3. My work is super stressful and being the only IT person for the company wears me out.
    4. Being a single dad makes dating really hard so fapping is often easier.
    5. I have heavily damaged the nerve endings of my private parts and I'm afraid I'll never really be able to enjoy sex because of it.
    6. I'm not comfortable with simply being me.
    7. If I want to have healthy relationships I need to come up with better ways to deal with my emotions than to fap, eat, or play video games.
    So when I write I tend to be very verbose and I think I'll cut those off there for now. I'm not really sure what is an isn't appropriate to share on here yet.

    I do want to go on about something else I realized reading over a few different threads here. I am a Christian, and I am a fallen, broken, messed up sinner. That being said I don't let shame get the better of me. Some of the posts I have read are just daily logs of what people have done wrong, and what lustful thoughts they have had. I feel the guilt and the pain in all of their posts and it breaks my heart.

    Obviously if you aren't a Christian I'm not speaking to you directly here but further below is some general religious nuetral thoughts. To my brothers and sisters in Christ remember there is no condemnation in him. There is grace and forgiveness every day. We need to learn to not only forgive others, but also to forgive ourselves. We all make mistakes and fall short of the glory of God. That is why there is grace!

    We focus so much on what we have done wrong over all of the things we have done right. We are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind daily, but its not an over night process. If all you do is focus on what you didn't do right then that is where your mind will fall. You will keep repeating the same patterns because you aren't thinking any differently.

    A few years ago I was really struggling with lusting after women. I would stare and think pornographic type thoughts of them. To break myself of this I did something unimaginable, I went up to a woman I was thinking inappropriate thoughts over and apologized to her. I said something along the lines of this: "Excuse me miss, I know you don't know me and I don't know you, but I just wanted to apologize to you. I had some inappropriate thoughts towards you and that isn't who I want to be." Let me tell you it sounds easy when I write it down like this, but it was not. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it changed me forever. I don't think like that anymore because I thought about her as a human being rather than a sex object.

    I've also had the great pleasure of losing over 170lbs. There was a lot of mindset change that had to happen there too. One thing I learned is that will power is a muscle and it must be worked out. I picked up one of those click counters from Staples and every time I would say no to something I shouldn't have I clicked it, and added one. I'm doing the same thing with my porn habit. Every time I get up and do something different I click it once. So if I fail, which is bound to happen, I can say yes I failed this 1 time, but how many times was I successful? I can tell you if I failed right now I would be at 14 times I didn't give into that urge.

    I bolded the text above because I truly believe it is important
     
    spaces likes this.
  7. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Made it through my second night. There was temptations, but thankfully I was able to resist. Got straight out of bed this morning to avoid that temptation.
     
  8. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Wow, 3 nights down. I was so tired from dancing last night I passed out when I made it home finally. This morning I didn't want to get out of bed either.
     
  9. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Struggling tonight, but I'll get through it. Then I will have gone 4 nights. I think my record is7 or 8 days.
     
  10. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Made it through the night and this morning. It was my hardest evening yet. I woke up at 3:30 and really wanted to PMO, but I forced myself back to sleep.
     
  11. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Whenever I look at dating apps I find myself struggling with wanting to M. I have an insatiable libido. I really hope that this brings it under control more. I'm up to what, 4 days now? I got this even if it is tough.
     
  12. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Last night was tough. I haven't really dreamed thati can remember for a long time. Last night it was so sexual it's not even funny. I didn't pmo, but ugh pain in the arse. I had to force myself back to sleep 4 times.
     
  13. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    So I acheived O from sex last night, but I feel like I might need to reset my counter. Sensitivity is coming back and it felt better, but I had to imagine other things to get the process started.

    I think a part of my O issue is a mind block. Any thoughts?
     
  14. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Well I ended up having a chaser this morning. Brushing myself off and starting all over again. I can do this! Day 1 - 2.0 lol
     
  15. rocrop

    rocrop Fapstronaut

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    I took me a while to gain control back myself. I would M 2-3 times a day staying busy with useful things help pass the time. Having the thoughts and ideas of things you have M’ed to will come but some deep breaths and having the ability to think through the urge will help lessen them in time
     
  16. SecondChances82

    SecondChances82 Fapstronaut

    Made it through last night and this morning
     
  17. Eyes Only

    Eyes Only Fapstronaut

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    Keep going! The chaser effect sucks. I try to reduce Internet time as much as possible and that helps, especially internet time in private! Public isn't so bad.
     

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