Strangulation porn

I want to be sensitive with this because it is a delicate issue, BUT as you posted you question on a public forum you must be looking for various insights? Well, here is my first thought: what gives you the right to spy on your husband?
I know there will be many here who disagree with me on this, but i think spying on your spouse is a bad thing. Akin to looking at porn.
Yes, your husband has a disgusting kink you've happened upon - and it is plaguing your consciousness - but consider your own responsibility. You HAD to know.
And now you're acting like his mom. You're grounding him. You're his enforcer. You're the boss. He will resent you for this. Even if he cleans up.
Pornography addiction is perhaps the most depraved thing many men here do. Our searches reveal a depravity that none of us would be happy to have revealed to the world. It is a reflection on interior thought and struggle.
In my opinion your snooping is a kind of betrayal. If he has authorized you to do that - in some sort of marital agreement - I suppose that would be different, but i can't imagine what kind of therapist would agree to this knowing how degrading that kind of agreement would be, how infantile.
Have you considered your husband doesn't want to talk about it with you? Perhaps he doesn't feel like you are the best person to be his accountability partner? Perhaps he wants to quit but also wants to protect you from it?
If your husband knew all of your most secret thoughts, if he could snoop on your thoughts, what would he say? "pure as the driven snow"?
I say, if you love your husband, and want your marriage to work, stop snooping on him, and for heavens sake stop trying to be his mother!

 

I agree with some parts of this but the tone is a bit judgemental.

Let's not take sides.

Pete made the fundamental problem exist. Married has lost trust, and now doubts his loyalty. Snooping is bad but necessary to discover the extent of lies maybe?
Though discovering ugly truths are no good either , it's better than pondering the worst possible thoughts.

 

I agree. Edited it a bit.

 

I think you're better off without him. Maybe just take a break and go separate ways. You have a right to live for yourself.

 

I read your whole thread. Although this situation is beyond difficult, I think you have several positive characteristics going for you. You are pretty self-aware of your own emotions and limitations in the situation, like anger getting the best of you and perhaps some forms of co-dependency. Also the willingness to design and execute boundaries. That is huge.

Most of all I think it's admirable that you haven't just left the marriage even though it's really messy. A lot of other people would be gone far before this point instead of enduring the suffering you have. I understand that at some point more permanent forms of separation might be the most prudent thing to do.. not saying they aren't. It's incredibly difficult to discern when exactly that is. But it sure is encouraging to see someone willing to fight for marriage against the odds.

I think strong boundaries and time apart of increasing length so long as your husband is disengaged and not yet willing to partner with you in repairing the damage of this addiction is the right way to go. Sadly.. addicts have an absurdly high tolerance for pain and will continue to persist in negative behaviors which cause it long after any sane person would be able to disengage with them. But we've got to hope that somewhere your husband still is capable of doing good things despite all the twisted patterns of thinking and behaving that have been built up.

At this point encouragement from afar, strong boundaries, and a concrete unwillingness to settle for less than you deserve are your greatest tools. I know that last one is one of the hardest things to sustain in the face of gaslighting. Gaslighting REALLY sucks. Unfortunately you have to go head to head with an addict's tenacity to engage in a whole slew of rationalization, minimization, justification, and the whole works. If you haven't already, get a strong support network to keep you from bending. The hold of the addiction isn't absolute.. it WILL start to crumble in the face of repeatedly having to face consequences for his actions, and continually being held accountable with the wrongness of his behavior pointed out. The fact that there are many of us here who were once in a very similar situation to your husband and now are actively recovering to the best of our ability is a testament to that truth. Stay strong! Thanks for reaching out!

 

Everyone here is an ex addict or affiliated to one.

 

I agree with what you say.

I will add that it's also important to not push an addict into a corner too tightly.
The tipping point, there's no telling what reaction may result.
Some contemplate suicide for example.
Tremendous feeling of guilt can do this to some.
Others may scurry back into the turtle shell deeper than before.

It's a tricky thing, a person mental state can flick like a light switch when they are addicts in denial.

 

It's a bit complicated, but basically yes, I'd like to call myself a recovering addict. I'll try to do your question justice. Growing up I used drugs and PMO in order to self comfort. Never got to the point of ritualizing those behaviors, daily use, or continual escalation. But the behavior was definitely compulsive.

For the past six years I've tried my best to abstain from those behaviors with intermittent lapses. Made it as far as 1-2 years several times. I am actively trying to abstain from those behaviors for good. For the past 10 months I've had more frequent struggles with PMO, which is what eventually brought me here. I do my best to be as transparent with my wife about it as she is comfortable with. I have a mentor figure I meet with regularly to explore my beliefs, family history, and thinking patterns that leads to unwanted behavior.

Hope to continue making forward progress and growing in freedom from these oppressive patterns and behaviors of my past. Definitely look forward to the day that I can point to my last lapse and say it's 5 or 10 years from now but trying to take it moment by moment. Recently passed Day 700 for mind altering drugs and hope to never look back.

 

Lying and self centeredness is part of the addiction. Have you tried attending a al anon meeting? If not I would recommend it. It may prove to be very helpful.