Strangulation porn

When I confronted him he went through the usual stages he normally does.

1) denial- he said he didn't watch it
2) pretended he didn't remember watching it
3) tell me a story about how sometimes theres a thing with the url that makes it look like you watched something you didnt.
4) admitted he might have watched it but didnt watch it all as it disgusted him
5) shifts attention/focus- tries to make out I like strangulation because I like some bdsm roleplay (I dont like stuff that hurts just femdom roleplay)

It usually takes us a good 5-6 weeks to get to 6. Not there yet

7) he confesses he was lying all along when faced with same said evidence again.

So here we are with gaslighting again. And off he goes to his parents as I have firm boundaries about the condequences of lying. He managed two days back in the family home after his last lie fest.

 

Cheers for that. I am a trained family therapist so I always communicate open and honestly (sometimes too honestly coz I got an acid tongue!)

 

I get what you are saying but I do think that the fact he knew it would trigger my rape trauma triggered his shame and hence his usual gaslighting technique he uses to fall back on when shame kicks in

 

I think there is very little correlation between what a person watches in porn and their real lives. Just think about all the fetishes people speak of that ebb away when they are not accessing porn anymore. Probably the vast majority of what we watch or even the entirety of it, is not what we would want to act out in a real relationship.

Take TV or film viewing. We all see countless murders, sexual assaults, adulterous affairs, violence... Is this the way we conduct ourselves in real life? No. You personally may have a favourite genre e.g. murder mysteries. Does that mean you harbour murderous intent toward others? No. It is entertainment. So is porn. Your past has made you sensitive to this.

 

Cool beans. Look up sex addicts and codependency. You will see that a large majority of women married to sex addicts have been sexually abused. Its an attatchment disorder thing

 

Correct. Very sensitive to this. If you met me in my professonal life you would have no idea how fucked up this shit gets me. It is my achilles heel. And my husband knows it. Probably wjy he had guarded his secret so carefully and still is

 

Bit of context for you

'
Coaddiction

Like chemical dependency, sexual addiction is a family disease. Spouses of sex addicts, or "coaddicts," usually grew up in a dysfunctional family, where they acquired a set of core beliefs that resulted in low self-esteem and difficulty in relationships. They may believe that they are not worthwhile, that no one could love them for themselves, that they can control and are responsible for others, and that sex is the most important sign of love.(9)

Spouses of sex addicts were often sexually abused in childhood and thus have fear or confusion about sex. They tend to be attracted to individuals who are needy, which describes most addicts. Coaddicts usually fear abandonment, often cannot imagine life without their partner, and are willing to accept behaviors that healthier persons may find unacceptable. For example, in a survey of 78 recovering coaddicts,(9) 52 (66%) said that they had participated in sexual activities that they found uncomfortable. These included viewing pornography, swapping sexual partners, and having sex in public places.

Many coaddicts fear refusing sex; others use sex to control and manipulate. Those whose sexually addicted partner prefers other sexual outlets (eg, compulsive masturbation, hiring of prostitutes) may go for years with out conjugal relations, often at great cost to their emotional well-being. Since the sex addict's primary relationship is with the addiction, the partner justifiably feels unimportant and unloved.'


So hope that clears things up for you. It is most possible that 60 percent plus of the women on here married to sex/porn addicts have been sexually abused. Some of us grew up in homes with alchoholic or drug addicted parents too. All part of what some call The Human Magnet syndrome. We learn to repeat history.

Plus I am a grown woman who is writing annonymously on a forum.

 

This is the thing. He hasnt PM since december. Its the lying about the past that continues.

He has booked counselling and is going to SA meetings its just the final denial and lying that is holding him back.

I set firm boundaries. Lying = one week away from the family home with only contact with the kids.

I never did this before this which is his third relapse in 9 years lasting over the last two years so who knows maybe he will learn. He really hates being separated from us but its crazy making when he lies. I lose my shit everytime. I give him one year til christmas to start telling the truth or its D day for us.

He managed two days in the family home after his last week away for lying and bam. Off he has to go again.

I tell my therapy clients to 'detatch with love' when they are being gaslighted but when it happens to me I get sooo freakin angry.

 

Correction not just freakin angry I go full exorsist. It aint pretty

 

How can you expect someone that has built a habit of lying as a defensive screen, suddenly to stop overnight. That is just not reasonable. He needs support, not summary dismissal from his home and kids.

 

You answered your own question. Whether he wants this IRL or just thinks about it, it's no good for you and you have to have a bottom line. He will stomp all over every last boundary you have until you feel like nothing, which is likely what gets him going about betraying you, and betraying you in this specific and violent way in his mind.

He has a bigger problem than his fantasies- lying in your face, and that will never ever change. You deserve better. Don't defend the fantasy angle, because you are clearly NOT OKAY with that. And you can tell this group that, but you hesitate to tell him that because he has you in a corner with his gaslighting. How many times can you forgive? Has he earned that? What are you getting out of this relationship and don't you believe you could find a better man? Establishing boundaries and being firm about what you will and won't tolerate is the first step to regaining the dignity you've lost in this relationship. THERE ARE HONEST MEN IN THE WORLD THAT AREN'T INTO THIS SH*T.

Lying is his nature and he won't stop. RUN don't walk. He doesn't want to work on this, just make it easier on himself. It's a problem that it is NOT YOUR JOB to fix or martyr yourself for. You don't know if he's relapsing or just bullshitting you. I would wager since lying is a problem this mf'er never stopped. SO angry for you. Hang on to that anger and use it as fuel to get him out of your life and away from your kids. https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying.html

 

Cosex addicts need to set boundaries. This is what boundaries look like. Addicts dont like boundaries. Letting him continue to emotionally abuse me through gaslighting us called ebabling. Not healthy for the addict or the coaddict or so they told me on family therapy training last month. Better get practicing what I preach then!!

 

Thank you for your advocacy. You know what. With the boundaries set and him removed from the home again I stopped feeling angry. Funny how setting healthy emotional boundaries does that.

Lying is the bottom line for me. I wont ever allow it in my space. He has got one year to sort his compulsive lying out or he is gone forever.

 

Oh and I know he isnt acting out as I figured out how to remotely view his internet activity even though he bypassed IMlock. Wont put it on here as he might see it and figure out what I did. Silly begger tried to delete chrome account today so I couldnt see his history from 2015 and the old stragulation video i found.

Actually quite proud I managed to out tech him for once. I am usually shit at that sort of thing.

 

Proud of you, too!!!!

Let go and let him and God sort himself out, you have suffered enough. Some people only get better when you let them fall where they land. Rock bottom is a lonely place and he will have deserved to be there.

 

A year to get it together is more than enough time. It's one more year of YOU that you're sacrificing.

As far as the use of my word "deserved?" We all are on our own in the end and can only ask to be mollycoddled over and over by the ones that we hurt.
He deserves to learn accountability and to seek help from objective parties or from within. IT IS A GIFT. Endless understanding and chances are something he's gotten comfortable with.