Straight guy with confused outlook

I started out in middle school liking these girls I knew, but probably didn't like me back. Always had low self esteem, but was always checking girls out. But because of my fear of rejection, I turned to porn, and it was always straight porn, sometimes lesbian porn and I always got off to it. But then I realized that it might be the way that I look. I was always chubby and made fun of for having man boobs, so I thought if I looked like the guys in porn then maybe girls would like me. Bad idea. Started watching gay or bi porn and since then, I got off to both men and women having sex with each other with same or opposite sex scenes. I became Christian and have wanted to grow my relationship with God, but even though I knew I was always in uncomfortable watching gay porn, I was just jealous of how these guys looked. I still watch gay, straight and lesbian porn (not so much gay porn anymore because I don't have as much of a desire for it), but I've started getting into shape and that's boosted my confidence. But even though I'd always check girls out (still do), I would check guys out not out of a place of sexual attraction (people used to bully me because I haven't dated before and told me I was gay for it, but I had always been secure in my sexuality before that happened, so I at least thought I was bi, but after a month or two of that, I didn't have the same feelings for men that I did women), but out of a place of "I wish I looked like that". Growing up i have had older women hit on me (always wanted women my age to do that) and whenever men would hit on me, it made me extremely uncomfortable because I knew that wasn't me. I really want to have sex with a woman, and I was jealous of other men for looking better/more manly than me. I masturbate once or twice daily out of habit but I'm hurting, my confidence hurts, my anxiety and depression are killing me. I need help.

 

Thanks everyone! I'm excited to see where this goes. I do have a counselor I'm talking to about this and I've seen some freedom.

 

Update: been going to the gym, going to try rock climbing for a bit, eating better, working and just busy in general, and I’ve been a week without porn. Don’t even crave gay porn any more. I don’t expect to be perfect with this but it’s getting better.

 

Exactly. I can admire a good looking guy (sometes wish I looked like him) but the last thing I’d do is bang him.

 

I’m about one week out from not watching any gay, or otherwise, pornography. I realize that gay porn makes me uncomfortable and it’s not something I would ever want to try. I hope one day I can rid my Mind of those images. Time to focus on other things.

 

Thank you guys. It was hard to talk about this because watching it was a way to not be in pain. When these kids bullied me it made me almost believe a lie that wasn’t true, but unfortunately stuck with me.

 

UPDATE:

I asked this girl I’ve liked for a while on a friend date and a bunch of us are getting lunch Together. Things are looking up!