Straight guy / gay porn

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by jetskisetter, Jan 22, 2019.

  1. Beachcomber

    Beachcomber Fapstronaut

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    Have you ever had sex with a girl?
     
  2. razer54

    razer54 Fapstronaut

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    That's kind of a bold question.
     
  3. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    I relate a lot to this thread. I watched gay porn exclusively from the beginning.
    When I was 7 I was introduced to homosexual activity. A 12 year old boy touched me and made me touch him. He threatened me with violence if I told anyone.
    When I was 17 I started looking at gay porn. Initially I was motivated by curiosity about other boys bodies. I'm very thin and felt my body was feminine looking. I never had any romantic feelings with men. At first I was disgusted by oral sex but that changed over time and with real life experiences with men. I wanted a wife and family but I assumed I was gay because I was only aroused by male images. I came out to my friends. I became friends with an experienced gay man. We picked up strangers and male prostitutes off the street and at gay bars. I cross-dressed. I have always been disgusted by the thought of anal sex. I never searched for it and I even fast forwarded videos to avoid watching it. I thought I would have to allow myself to be penetrated to have a gay relationship. Then I got a crush on a girl and began to think I could find a woman. I stopped going to gay bars and cut ties with my gay friend but my gay porn addiction continued. Five years later I met my wife and fell in love. The excitement of a new relationship distracted me for a few months but my addiction returned. I finally quit porn when I could no longer stand the pain of my insecurities that were continually fueled by my addiction.
    I have been porn free for a year and a half from my 20 year gay porn addiction. I am finally starting to feel masculine and more comfortable in my skin. I wish I could have felt this way when I was younger and in better health. I now understand that my urges represent my desperate need to feel masculine. Though I once thought I was gay or bisexual I now identify as straight.
     
    sgtsj, Committed to One, EL88 and 6 others like this.
  4. aspiringwriter1997

    aspiringwriter1997 Fapstronaut

    This was such a beautiful thing I just read!! I'm so happy that you've been able to find happiness and be able to reclaim your identity. This is what I want to happen me since while I'm just 21, I can relate back to you on so many levels @Exponential Power
     
    jetskisetter likes this.
  5. jetskisetter

    jetskisetter Fapstronaut

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    This is amazing!! Thank you for sharing your story. Always so encouraging and beneficial to hear from people who are on the other side of addiction.

    I also fully relate to what you were saying about initially being repulsed by certain activities, but as addiction escalates, becoming aroused by it. For the longest time in watching porn, I would only care about foreplay. But then it slowly escalated to oral, etc. In the last days before hopping on nofap, I even created various dating profiles and anonymous online accounts, desperately trying to find someone to hook up with. I even sent someone photos of myself. These were actions that did not feel like me, and I never would have imagined myself going to that place.

    And yeah, it feels like the common thread in all of our experiences is this idea of not feeling masculine enough. If I can ask, for my benefit and and for those who read this who are still really working through these things..have there been any specific actions you've taken that especially help you to reclaim your masculine identity?
     
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  6. Exponential Power

    Exponential Power Fapstronaut

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    Years ago I worked with a counselor to deal with my family dysfunction and being sexually exploited as a child.
    Time away from porn is crucial but I have felt much better since I've been avoiding fantasy. I was still having flashbacks until the past few months. I had to be diligent to avoid dwelling on the images in my head. I can still remember my favorite actors and scenes but now I see their faces. The thing that attracted me most was their confident smiles; a sense of comfort in their masculine identity that I desperately wanted. Exercise can help with the right attitude. I do sprinting and chin ups. I focus on the feeling of being stronger and faster. I avoid mirrors because that will bring up my insecurities and I have used mirrors for masturbation and fantasy. My urge to look in the mirror is another desperate attempt to feel masculine; checking to see if I'm ok, but I never see what I want to see.
     
    jetskisetter likes this.
  7. Theamos

    Theamos Fapstronaut

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    I think way more men struggle with same sex attraction than would ever admit it.
    I was attracted to the male body early on but also way attracted to girls.
    I never gave any thought to ever doing anything with a guy.

    When I was 14 I was spending the night at a friends house and he put in a porn video as we were getting in bed. He said he watch one before bed and jo every night. The video was a couple and I have to admit I was watching the guy and is action because I was way curious on what to do and how I compared
    My friend started jerking and eventually him and I did things
    I was way confused after that
    In college I became obsessed with working out and had a lot of encounters with gym guys and and many girls I never identified as bi or gay until many years later after i was married and had a ltr with a friend I finally told my wife and she accepted it
     
  8. jetscooled

    jetscooled Fapstronaut

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    After reading this post, truly do want to say thank you for writing this. Sexuality is arguably the hardest thing for men to talk about to each other let alone what we are going through as men on this site. Its amazing once you step outside your comfort zone and embrace the fear of being judged how actually the exact opposite thing happened; you told the story of many many men on here and now we dont feel as isolated and alone on our journey. A very brave post that I thank you for writing.
     
  9. aspiringwriter1997

    aspiringwriter1997 Fapstronaut

    It's like as though you know how to read my mind!
     
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  10. jetskisetter

    jetskisetter Fapstronaut

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    Honestly it's still crazy to me that other guys can relate to these things..not that I think I'm so unique or misunderstood or whatever, but it's so easy to go through life and assume that literally everyone has it all so together, and you're the only one with self-doubt, shame, or whatever other skeletons in the closet
     
  11. Beachcomber

    Beachcomber Fapstronaut

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    Well gee, he’s only had sex with guys, never with a girl. He said he fantasizes about girls but only romantically, not sexually. How can a guy possibly know if he enjoys sex with a girl until he’s done it?
     
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  12. jetscooled

    jetscooled Fapstronaut

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    I think there are some things in life that you dont need to experience in order to know what feeling youd anticipate. Do you not know whether or not youd be happy if someone walked up to you and gave you a million dollars? How about if they shot you in the face? you dont know whether or not youd like being shot in the face? I think people deep down know what they truly want they just have events and patterns in there life that are preventing them from getting there.
     
    Tannhauser likes this.
  13. razer54

    razer54 Fapstronaut

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    Dude, I don't think you are gay or even bisexual, but I can't read your mind. However, it doesn't seem like you are attracted to men emotionally or physically. I think your experience with pornography was general curiosity about the male body and porn in general. Remember, a screen can't determine your sexuality. My experience was out of curiosity and insecurity.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2019
  14. aspiringwriter1997

    aspiringwriter1997 Fapstronaut

    ^^ THIS!!!!
     
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  15. Beachcomber

    Beachcomber Fapstronaut

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    Knowing what you’d anticipate feeling from doing something is one thing. But that is entirely different from your experience once you’ve actually done it.

    I can anticipate what I would feel if someone gave me a million dollars, but that is completely based on having absolutely no idea what receiving that money actually actuals. When it happens, I’m faced with tax consequences, how to invest, who of my friends will treat me differently, how many people will try to contact me to use me & take advantage of me, and other things I would experience.

    Being shot in the face has no relevance here, because I’d be dead & would never have a cognitive experience of how I’d feel afterwards to compare it to.

    Knowing what you want has nothing to do with what it would be like after you get it, & how you’d feel.
     
  16. PaulD2000

    PaulD2000 Fapstronaut

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    Have any of the guys that came out the other end of this successfully done so without fessing up to their wife / partner / family? I know that this is something that I will always keep secret as it would destroy so many lives. I couldn't be talked into telling my wife or anyone else I know about this. I would be devastated if my wife or kids ever found out about any of this. My job as a father and husband is to make safe and provide not to tear their lives apart with my sordid little perverted, disgusting, dirty little secret.
    I am writing this today from an all time low, I am disgusted with myself and I don't know where to go from here. I desperately want to stop this forever but I don't know where to start, or maybe that's just another excuse.
    I posted earlier in this thread about my situation but a quick overview;
    -I watch gay porn again occasionally, I had stopped for about 6 months but it back
    - I have encounters with men at rest-stops, not penetrative but everything else
    - I am currently on a wrestling website to arrange to meet with other guys and wrestle, knowing that it's going to go further than wrestling.
    - my current actions are affecting my mood, time, and interactions with my family and I know my wife is unhappy at the minute
    - my diet has went to shit, I am binge eating sweets almost in a self destructive way
    - I am self employed and my business and income is suffering very badly. I should be working now but instead I am on this site with a eye out for a horny story and a second tab opened on the wrestling website looking at guys profile pics and emailing a guy to arrange a meetup.
    - I know part of my mood is a drawn out hangover from too much alcohol on Saturday night but I feel sick with myself, I just want to hide away and sleep for 24 hours and waken up a different person.

    I don't know where to turn or how to get out of this mess!

    Has anybody went from where I am now back to happiness and if so can you give me your best tips.

    Thanks you guys
     
    sgtsj, starsky2 and Tiger uppercut! like this.
  17. Harrynak

    Harrynak Fapstronaut

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    just my personal opinion but i think your mind is playing tricks on you, the unseen stimulating material makes you think you are aroused, but its only the dopamine spiking in your brian

    quit all porn and you will see that you are attracted to girls like you were supposed to..

    sorry to offend anyone
     
  18. EL88

    EL88 Fapstronaut

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    It’s nice to get to know you, guys!
    I can relate as well! For me as well, it all started back in puberty and haunts me ever since. Really feel that way. Of course, I enjoyed the easy and quick pleasure the porn provided and in the last years. Always felt comfortable. And it was SO WRONG!

    I wonder, why I did prefer gay porn to straight porn. I'd never act out in my "real life" like hitting on another guy or sth like that - it just doesn't feel right. Although I get aroused in real life like in the gym, shower, even on the streets, too. And I HATE it. Once the brain fog starts to build up, I find it very difficult to stay on track and be a brave as well as truthful husband. (I’m 30, happily married, 1 son btw)
    I don't know what went wrong in my puberty... but sometimes I get the impression that I tried to compensate my lack of social interaction with other males by watching gay porn. I compared myself to the "real men" in the movies since I always struggled to "fit in" the "real man's world". Often felt ashamed for not being so rugged like the men in the films, not having such a long lasting erection (I do have some PE-issues), able to grow a full beard...

    So in the past five months, I deleted all accounts, files... and stayed away from gay P completely. It was hard, but my willpower was stronger.

    My first goal is to eliminate (gay) P, not to stop masturbating (https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/attentive-fapping.219056/#post-1940185).

    I know, the fight isn‘t over yet. Open to support you guys!
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2019
  19. Committed to One

    Committed to One Fapstronaut

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    Well, I thought I could. I've done the recovery thing for over five years. The secrets are shame and what kept me relapsing.
    Your wife knows that things aren't right. Trust me on this. I thought things were fine. She didn't.
    It will come out. You can either choose to do so, hopefully with the guidance of counselors, or you can wait to be discovered.
    That's what ultimately happened in my case. I wish I would have had the cojones to fess up to my behavior. Really didn't have a choice after emails and passwords for sex chat apps were found. I am so glad all that is out. I no longer feel like I've got a dark other person lurking inside of me. The following couple of months were really hard and they're still times when I have to here her sadness or anger or confusion of why she wasn't enough. I'm doing my best to stay humble and acknowledge that those feelings and questions she has are reasonable and there because of my actions. It's getting better and is way better and I ever thought it could be.
    It is possible to get free from all this but I don't know of a way to get there outside of honesty.
     
  20. OzGuy

    OzGuy Fapstronaut

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    I really relate to this...I was a very nerdy and unpopular kid at school and I think I really craved male friends and to be accepted. Even as I got older and got fit at the gym, that image of myself never really went away.

    I'm thinking my porn addiction has a lot to do with trying to make myself feel better - it all started around the same time.

    Of course, the more I watched porn, and the more disgusting it become, the more I lowered my self-esteem. Vicious cycle or what?!
     

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