STOP PORN NOW - Final Chapter - Peters Story

Over the past few weeks I posted a couple items Stop Porn Now,
I caught some hate mail for trying to speak for others which I was not.
But I know what i am talking about.
I have worked as a Drug and Alcohol Clinic Supervisor
( ironic and somewhat hypocritical I know ). I saw every addiction possible and thousands of clients and none were porn related other then a couple staff that had confided in me and I never said zip about mine. If you do not know I have been an addict since age ten I am now 55, used 45 years and for now I am 102 days sober from porn typing this. So since at times some may think I am just some Random Porn users this is true and being just like everyone my story no doubt will ring true.

I was born in 1962, molested by a family friend from age 9-12, Father alcoholic, mom never home always working because dad was a drunk. He would later die from this in 1992. Parents divorced at age 15. My first exposure was magazines and some 8mm films now I feel old lol. I would not stop my use of porn until just 102 days ago now.
I thought when I had my first girl and sex the addiction would stop and it did a couple weeks until my girl friend came home with some whiskey and a porn video. And I now again did not have a healthy relationship even with women. I actually stopped dating about the time VHS porn was coming about and had a few connections to get left over newsstand publications further feeding my porn addiction as I now had free porn mags. I eventually began dating and married and I again thought that would end the use. But even with a very super pretty, smart lady the addiction was holding tight and I would hide it big time. We had allot of sex at the time like most young couples but she never even suspected as I kept it hid. And now my porn use had me lying to loved ones. I would have two kids and swore now I would stop as I didnt ever want them knowing.. it was the first time I was free almost a month......but then there was this new technology around 1995 BBS system and the beginning of the internet. I would spend allot in the beginning multilinking modems to get 1-mb download speeds on three phone lines. And the game was on ... more storage meant more porn. But even that didn't cut it so devices and even Tens units and similar were used to get the ultimate rush, during this time frame from 1995-2005 I would get hurt and the doctor prescribed Oxycodone and my first exposure to all this in a doped up state would occur for two years. I would hypocritically finish and becomes counselor and supervisor in the addiction field thinking this would slow my roll. It didn't even slow me at all. Although I never used drugs like that again, I would drink at every episode.
My worse time would be when devices and tens etc, along with ED helpers and anything that could extend the rush. That would be from 2007-2017 ten long years of more extreme poor behavior, I would treat people like shit all these years how my wife stayed with me I have no idea. I was caught a couple times and being she is the nicest sweetist person she bought my addicted BS.
But 2017 would be different, nothing like any years ever before.
I had a session and my whole right side went numb, I could not move could not feel much and was disoriented. I would go to the ER thinking I was having a stroke but was not. In fact I was healthy as a horse( physically) and my heart was quoted as that of a 20 year old. What would be occurring is Serotonin and Dopamine were critical so much so that it would cause misfiring from my brain to these areas and would begin a down hill spiral for 6 months, as anxiety attacks ( never had them before) and irregular heart rates from these chemicals being imbalances its was a living hell.
That was six months ago, I realized I had reached the highest level of my addiction where not just my thinking, but my mind and body were effected from porn. I would then try and quit over the next six months. I would stop one week, then go two weeks and three weeks until December 12 when I stopped it all that day.

Oh I praise God that today I am so much at peace with 102 days, in 45 years its as if life is starting over. I may be just some random porn addict but I know the beast that is porn addiction. I left some out of this story as its even to painful to type. But what I feel today is possible I never thought it would ever. I recall my 60 days was the big one and I had feelings of calm and paranoia was gone no more secrets being found out was huge. I actually quit December 10th but took me two days to close all my accounts online and deleted and find about 7TB and remove everything right down to every picture so I was exposed and call it December 12th. I formatted and partitioned the drives to ensure they were gone for good even used a Government wipe.
I am a addict and always will be, but one must stop now.
It get so much worse if you are viewing porn here and there and think you got this, you do not. That the big lie and it will grab you and suck you into the abyss.
I wasted, lied and stole and manipulated for 45 years of my life I plead with anyone that will listen its gets worse so much more then we ever imagine.

My last posts of the Stop Porn Now, as there is simply not much one can say except quit now why you can....dont wean yourself off , don't have just one more for the road.... stop ./ May God have Mercy on us all and give us Strength .

What a waste of 45 years....

 

Its pretty amazing how far down the rabbit hole one can chase that rush.with porn....
I look back now and I go WTF was I thinking. But I guess I could say that about allot of stuff porn related.
I don't dare explain it, as thats what got me hooked was others saying hey buy this try this.

 

Yes sadly I had a circle of friends on the internet Porn-Friends one might say.
I tend to now look at it like a bunch of drunks would hang out and discuss there drinking and how they did it.
There are many porn back rooms on the internet were once can find justification and can even feed their victimization if needed on how people just don't understand how innocent porn is.

I now look each at the darkness that is porn...of course I never saw it until I crashed at the bottom and looked the cliff I jumped off of.
And of course many of those " friends " were into things I thought were worse so justification was my friend.

I pray every night to keep this crap away from me, it difficult at times but Ia m creating a whole new world that is out weighing the pull porn has.