still in pain

During the first month after my reboot it felt like my wife and I were in a second honeymoon which was even better than our first honeymoon. Working together and communicating in a meaningful way drew us closer than we had been in years. Of course this cannot last forever, so the first fight we had brought back powerful emotions that things were not perfect, that there were still wounds that needed healing, that there were still years of neglect and resentment. Instantly she felt regret over trusting me again. Lofty expectations led to a huge disappointment. It was time for both of us to deal with real life and not bury it. Is this the kind of disillusionment you are referring to?

It doesn't take much to be reminded of the bad times. There were, and still are, times when I act selfishly that remind my wife of the OLD ME. Suddenly all that pain and anguish came storming back. She would feel like nothing changed. That my reboot was all a sham. The same old me was still lurking in there with a shiny new veneer. But she recognized that it wasn't fair to compare this new disappointment to the disappointments of the past. I must apologize and try harder not to trigger those feelings. Again, I'm not sure if this has any bearing on your current feelings.

Personally, I don't like the idea of the 'we were made to spread our genes' evolutionary concept. Personally I believe in that we were created to be monogamous... horny but monogamous. Polygamous and polyamorous relationships are often not a happy arrangement. And the idea of being promiscuous and sleeping with whomever, whenever also does not lead to long term happiness. Porn is the manifestion of that male fantasy - multiple, unlimited, varied, desirable, willing partners. And indulging in that content or lifestyle also does not lead to happiness. Yes, there are challenges to being monogamous, but in the long term it is the happiest, most content way of life. Was that the approach the book was espousing? If it did then I can see how that would leave you with a hopeless feeling.

It was terribly unfair to you that he was having these mental affairs. You have every right to feel betrayed and victimized. The concept of 'forgive and forget' is easy to believe but much harder to practice. The forgetting is the hardest part and prevents many couples from reconciling. Sometimes it is too much to overcome. In the book 'I Love You, But I Don't Trust You' it said that in the beginning of recovery it is impossible to forget. The wounds are too fresh. This step comes down the road. You don't actually forget the incident, but the memory of the betrayal does not hold the same pain. Good things that happen from here going forward can act like a memory eraser. The second memory eraser are all the things your husband does to make up for his betrayal. It is a long and gradual process.

I hope I was able to hone in on some of the emotions you were trying to convey. If I missed the mark then I'm sorry. If you were simply looking to vent and I did a very male thing and tried to fix the problem then I'm sorry too. I hope you wake up tomorrow and things are much better than what they seem like tonight.

 

You are not stupid for believing in monogamy. The hurt you feel isn't from holding onto an idea that is false. You can be prioritized as a person and as a partner. It's not easy, but it doesn't make it impossible. In short, (I even as a PMO consumer of long standing), ask that even while you are seeking understanding of the difficulties of PMO obsession to help your partner, that you not normalize the concepts of 'no ability for choice', or 'can't fight nature'. While this issue is hurtful and that pain might be driving you to challenge your ideas of 'normal', and 'Right vs Wrong', seek to heal first before attempting to answer those questions.

Here is why I say that....

I don't believe Opening the relationship will not provide the answers you are seeking. I had a lengthy marriage where I was very much starved for intimacy. She said it was her biology that had slowed, or stopped. From this, I did turn to PMO use to try to not burden her. I also researched quite deeply alternative ideas for sexual relationships (such as the concept of a second wife/or mistress so that she could remain honored wife (without demands of sex) (all with open disclosure). I actually talked with young friends that are polygamous (and a few that are in open relationships).

Here is what I found after talking with them...

Rule number 1.... changing the nature of your relationship to open, or other alternatives will never solve the problems in your current relationship. In fact, all that it may do, is allow the pain to spill over onto new undeserving partners.

Open and Poly relationships (or any other forms of alternative relationships) never make things 'easier', despite the ideas you might see on TV. There is delicate structure for what is 'allowed'. These requirements for structure require an immense knowledge of yourself for what you are comfortable with, and a need for constant (if not over) communication. There is also a need to be able to suspend your desire for immediate attention when it's required out of respect for others, and to speak up and receive attention when you can't. Despite structure, each partner must be able to respect their partner if they feel uncomfortable, or feel the need to pull back from an established rule, or dislike for a new partner. In fact, each person that is added to the relationship has to have the same level of respect, while still being accepted as an individual. Despite the idea of Open or Poly means that partners can equally receive pleasure with unlimited freedom, in truth, it means greater responsibility, more waiting, and need to be able to juggle prioritizing yourself, while giving your most loving to multiple people, and juggle shifting priorities.

In short, those types of relationships do not make things simple or the quantity of sex to overflow. Its actually a quite complicated dance, that requires great dedication. The choice has to be made only because you truly believe its the better way for you to function, how you really connect with people, and you are happy with yourself. Anything else is just lip service to getting laid without caring for consequences, and it's doomed to explode in short order.