Starting all over again.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by CrisReis22, Oct 24, 2018.

  1. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I've been struggling intensively since March of this year, this addiction is harder than I thought, but I should know that. This is the nightmare of my life, the one that prevents myself to come out and show my true colors. I feel very debilitated, my body tells me that I'm unhealthy, my habits are unhealthy, the only good one is I'm reading a lot.

    This is fucking up my life, I'm stuck, trying to move on but too scared to do something. I have low self steem, headaches, I feel nothing when I see hot girls on the streets, even if they interest me. I lost all my progress, I know nothing of this subject anymore. I'm totally lost. I'm getting old and still can't find my way on this world. I have feelings that I hate from the bottom of my heart showing up. I am so humiliated, from the things I've done and I didn't done.

    Every relapse I keep saying to myself "I won't do that again" and day later I am doing that shit again. I hate this cycle, I hate my lack of willpower. I was clean for 3 months and the feeling was amazing, when I relapsed I thought "it's okay I did it once, so I'll do again", since then I've been in a hell. Yes, I'm living hell in every aspect. Frustration has been my "new old" friend. I can't feel nothing, no words seem to reach me.

    Despair, frustration, jealousy. I can hear them out loud inside me, I'm full of problems and I have no idea how to solve them. Wish I could reset my life to avoid all my mistakes and live how it should be. I don't believe in promises anymore, because I've been disappointed many times in my life, for believing in such things. I created a mechanism to prevent me from not getting hurt of those disappointments I had, as I stated above. But I always fall in those things, I always believe.

    I want to try again, one more time, the 3 months challenge, I want to experience again all those good feelings I had during that time. I want a new life.
     
  2. zanehe

    zanehe Fapstronaut

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    Fight for the good feelings and a new life! May God bless you and your journey!
     
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  3. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I have high hopes this time I'll succeed.
     
  4. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Almost one week. Things seem to be okay so far, but yesterday and today I caught myself driving in my thoughts with lust and desire. For now, my body is helping me to stay away, for now it's easy to say no.

    I'm very stressed, today is the election day and I'm very involved with politic here. I want my candidate to win this so badly, I'm very anxious. God knows that my country need changes so badly...

    Today I'll wake up early to vote and be even more stressed and anxious to watch the results.
     
  5. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I did exactly what I said on my last report, voted with my mom early in the morning. Today was a beautiful, the weather was marvelous.

    I could feel my heart beating strong and waves of anxiety through my body. I watched the results of the elections and all the candidates I voted were elected. I'm very happy.

    I feel good doing Nofap again, but I'm scared to fall again, I'm done in failing everytime. Today I'm safe. Good things are about to come.
     
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  6. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I had a bad dream today. A nightmare that I chose to give up and look up to P, I was watching a scene and it felt so real. I hadn't control of it, I thought it was real life, then something else came up and I woke up, and I realized it was just a dream. Suddenly I felt sadness. I'm better now.
     
  7. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    This last weekend I've been abusing of me very hard. I feel weak, powerless, sensitive, drowsy, and physically, my penis is hurted. I was alone in my home and I abused the situation. I don't want do that ever again, I don't want to abuse myself anymore. I'll put more effort on it!
     
  8. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    The first days are the most difficult, because of the chaser effect. I'm glad to conquering it and I feel no urges in these 3 days at all. Of course I'm struggling, but I learned something very useful, I'm killing lustful thoughts in the very moment they appear. It is kinda exhausting, but it's working. I'm having peace.
     
  9. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Urges are naturally coming, they all start in my mind. So, I'm very glad to adopt this renew mind-set, now I'm very aware of lustful thoughts and I cut them off right on the beginning. I had an erotic dream in one of these days, I was deeply into it, then I remembered to say no, then after I mentally said "no thanks", I wake up and managed to beat that. This is working so far. The best thing is as far I'm being able to recognizing urges and lustful thoughts at start, I am much more in peace and not struggling hard like before or fantasizing lust. But the real test will come on the next weeks.
     
  10. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I'm not being okay in these days, I'm getting upset all the time, fighting all the time, my best moments are when I'm reading and alone in a room. Damn.

    I caught myself fantasizing for 30 secs or 1 min, idk, like a trance, then I realized that was bad and say to mentally to myself "no thanks", thankfully it worked. I'm grateful for this method and how well it's working.

    Nevertheless, I was (am) still in bad mood, I cried twice missing my dad and cat, regretting my choices and stuff. Not much I can tell now.
     
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  11. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I had a good sleep time today, had a dream that I wished it was true, but can't remember. Lol

    It was an okay day, I'm planning to go to the theater and watch the new "fantastic beasts" movie and I'm reading "Harry Potter" 6th book. It's being my favorite so far. Reading is being a very pleasant experience to me, but sometimes I have no mood to keep reading, I make pauses after 1-2 chapters.

    I feel I'm losing the battle against my urges, I let myself wondering in lust and I realized that saying "it's okay", but that's bullshit. Hope the next days will be better.
     
  12. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

  13. Beamer

    Beamer NoFap Moderator
    Staff Member

    Hey my friend, don't be hard on yourself now !
    We're with you buddy, don't give up now, you can do this !
    Always here for you if you need anything, just believe in yourself and please, don't give up now !
     
  14. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Thank you @Beamer, I was passing through a hell yesterday, I sleep in pain. I wanted so badly to avoid this pain that I edged twice. The only reason I didn't go to the end, is because I played volley today and I needed my energy intact. But those edges gave me intensive headaches through the day. I'm okay now, but I know myself enough to affirm that I don't know how long I'll resist. In any case, I had a good day today. I'll reset my counter, but I'm glad to not fully relapsed. :)
     
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  15. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    I am grateful for still have willpower and strength to fight even when I fail almost all the time. I truly want to get rid of PMO forever and ever. I am grateful for not letting the withdrawals of a relapse overtake me and give up. I am grateful to have discovered my inner force and to believe in myself. I am grateful to still have dreams even when my life is so messed right now. I am grateful to not have lost my faith, even if it is so small, it's still mine.
     
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  16. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Today I experienced something I don't do often. I reflected my love experiences, remembering all the girls I used to like once... Well, that was a poor experience because I didn't get so far with any of them. I couldn't avoid to drop some tears. I don't have any expectation to meet a girl that will shake my world, and, honestly, I don't care.

    Tomorrow I'll go to the theater and hype defines me atm! I'll have a time of fun and nobody telling me what to do. And by the way, I relapsed today, being alone in my house is a tough trigger to beat. But I'm okay, I just have to analyze my mistakes and restart. Nothing will take me down to depression, I won't let that happen.
     
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  17. Jumat Bersih

    Jumat Bersih Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thanks for sharing your progress and keeping us updated. I just recently found this forum, it is very nice that guys finally come together and are encouraged to speak up what happened internally and feel the feelings. I relapsed this Wednesday, it did't feel good. I will be hunted by guilty feeling that impede me for being functioned and productive, but it will get better after a week normally. I felt better after reading your last post. It is so reflective and optimistic. I pray I can get through a month this time. Hope you have an exciting day Bro
     
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  18. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Thanks @Jumat Bersih, welcome to the forum. I know it's very hard, but don't let yourself to surrender for those negative feelings and do not take too hard on yourself.
     
  19. Jumat Bersih

    Jumat Bersih Fapstronaut

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  20. CrisReis22

    CrisReis22 Fapstronaut

    Today was a remarkable day. I had a lot of fun in the theater, hype from the beginning to the ending of the movie. I already want to watch again!
     

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