I've been struggling intensively since March of this year, this addiction is harder than I thought, but I should know that. This is the nightmare of my life, the one that prevents myself to come out and show my true colors. I feel very debilitated, my body tells me that I'm unhealthy, my habits are unhealthy, the only good one is I'm reading a lot. This is fucking up my life, I'm stuck, trying to move on but too scared to do something. I have low self steem, headaches, I feel nothing when I see hot girls on the streets, even if they interest me. I lost all my progress, I know nothing of this subject anymore. I'm totally lost. I'm getting old and still can't find my way on this world. I have feelings that I hate from the bottom of my heart showing up. I am so humiliated, from the things I've done and I didn't done. Every relapse I keep saying to myself "I won't do that again" and day later I am doing that shit again. I hate this cycle, I hate my lack of willpower. I was clean for 3 months and the feeling was amazing, when I relapsed I thought "it's okay I did it once, so I'll do again", since then I've been in a hell. Yes, I'm living hell in every aspect. Frustration has been my "new old" friend. I can't feel nothing, no words seem to reach me. Despair, frustration, jealousy. I can hear them out loud inside me, I'm full of problems and I have no idea how to solve them. Wish I could reset my life to avoid all my mistakes and live how it should be. I don't believe in promises anymore, because I've been disappointed many times in my life, for believing in such things. I created a mechanism to prevent me from not getting hurt of those disappointments I had, as I stated above. But I always fall in those things, I always believe. I want to try again, one more time, the 3 months challenge, I want to experience again all those good feelings I had during that time. I want a new life.