Starting afresh.

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by Bee_11, Dec 21, 2018.

  1. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot @pornlessgeneral. I understood everything you said above. I know this. And I am devoted to a god for like past three weeks. I took your advice the last time itself. It's our ancestral god and I have felt a lot better since then. So, Thank you so much.
     
  2. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    As per now, I have been able to solve some questions on maths and I have been feeling a lot better because of this conversation we had. Thank you for nudging me to write. I guess saying things out loud helps. I don't feel ashamed anymore. It is how life is. We fall. We get back up. We get distracted. We readjust our focus. That's how we learn. That's how we become better. So, this is day zero and I am going to be vocal about my urges here. Will be utilizing every resource, every thing I can in order to stay sober today. Thanks a lot.
     
  3. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    The feeling is mutual. You are helping me as well. It is good for me to voice this stuff and not be afraid of what I feel. It's not about the urges but how we respond.

    You actually sound better and more confident. That is good. One day at a time.....my friend.....one day at a time.

    Lastly....make sure you go to someone else's post and encourage them today. Use what has happened to help someone else....especially if they are doing well.

    Take care and look forward to hearing great things from you.
     
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  4. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Bee_11

    Hey...... just checking in to see how you are doing today. How are your urges? Have you encouraged anyone else today?

    Let me know.....as for me I am doing well. Been busy working and that has kept me great.
     
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  5. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    I am doing good too. There haven't really been any strong urges but I guess there are about to be. Because I caught a cough, last night. So, I woke up crying today morning. It sucks. But I won't give up this time.

    This is just normal. When I relapsed last time, even then I had suffered from cold and fever and I had kept relapsing for a while as a result. This time though, I won't be relapsing. Atleast I've decided so.

    I did write comments in other journals, yesterday. I hope someone's gonna finxit helpful. And I wish all the best to you. You are an amazing soul and I hope you achieve your goal.
     
    cloudhugs5 likes this.
  6. cloudhugs5

    cloudhugs5 Fapstronaut

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    I hope you feel better, you can do this!
     
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  7. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much @cloudhugs5

    I am on day 1 and it has been easy until now. :)
     
  8. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Bee_11

    Woke up this morning and wanted to check in with you. I am doing fine as well. I am actually okay, as I am now confronting some stressors I have head on (learning new stuff at work....growing my own small business).

    I am on Day 3 now and things are sett lo ing back down to normal. Just hang in there as you will see things calm back down after you get 2-3 days in.

    Dont worry....you will be more calm in no time
     
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  9. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    I am calmer but sicker. As of day 2, I feel stressed. I have had some ravenous urges today. But somehow, I didn't give in and that makes me feel so good, I can't tell you. I hope this sickness goes away, soon. I want to be able to defeat the urges as long as I can. And I think, I will. Thank you so much for sticking with me. I didn't use my cellphone much. To stay away from the issue. But when I did, I was careful enough. And I am happy. So, yaye. I am ready for more.
     
  10. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    Day 5.

    I keep losing count of days when I get sick. I didn't realize I made it 4 days without PMO. I have had some ravenous urges last night. This is my space, my honest space and so, I won't lie here. It was so hard to resist those urges. I had almost given into the urge. I was 20 seconds into a funny sexual video. Not porn, just some little fun stuff that is enough to turn me on. So, I was 20-30 seconds into that video but I was still not completely watching it because my mind was under turmoil from the moment I had typed the keywords in the search section of the app. That's when it hit me. This is not what I want. I don't want this. I don't need this. I need to be healthy. I need to get up and get back on track with my studies. And I spontaneously closed the video. I closed the app. I threw away the phone.

    I don't know if a lot of people experience this or not but this happens to me a lot of times. Like whenever I am on to something like watching porn, there's a part of me that keeps condescending me. It's like a little bit of bickering in my head and sounds like, "Ew! Not again" or "Remember, what happened last time you did that (pointing to all the guilt and depressing nights that follow)?"

    Most people turn that bickering volume low. They shut that part out and give into the urge. Sometimes, I do that too

    But other times, like yesterday, I do the reverse.

    I don't turn that volume down. Whenever the urges arrive like that, first thing i do is to slow down. Whatever I am doing, I slow down. It automatically gives me time to think. And I am able to talk myself out of the red zone.

    When I don't do that, I give in as soon as the urges arrive. I accept the defeat without even putting up a good fight.

    So, the point is, DO NOT ACCEPT THE DEFEAT WITHOUT FIGHTING.
    You can fight it. If I can, you too can. If you're 20-30 seconds into a video, don't just assume that your progress is lost. You still have so much left to save. You can save yourself from the guilt. You can still save yourself from the false pleasure. If you don't want to watch it, whatever it is on your screen, don't watch it. You have all the power that you need in your own self. I would like to conclude this with the point that don't give up. You still have the control. You just have to find it. Much love.
     
    Guardian93 likes this.
  11. Loveless-J.R.A

    Loveless-J.R.A Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Definitely withdrawal effects. Also depends on age. You might get some stronger or more dreams. #
    Single, myself. But i do have this one friend off Nofap, who is struggling with PM addiction. We talk a lot everyday. See if you can make a friend like that.
    Noted.

    It was a good read. Glad to catch up, your a student as well, so I know some of the struggles you're facing. Keep strong Bee. That moving away from the video, was some serious self-discipline. Nice work.
     
  12. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    Glad to see you are hanging in there.

    I am back to 7 days. I have had urges too, but am FIGHTING as well.

    Stay on the grind. Each time you are able to intentionally walk away when urges are HIGH is definitely a win.

    Hang in there
     
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  13. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed after 5 days of NoFap. This relapse was worse. I hadn't watched porn in a month and a half but I did this time. It was mostly gifs. But whatever. I relapsed.

    I don't want to make any excuses. I am taking responsibility for this relapse. I had urges and I couldn't control it. I am undergoing a tremendous amount of stress because I have this really important exam to give on 3rd of February. I know I shall begin now but I don't think I can handle any more stress before exam. Plus as I have been told by @Prov2416 , It might as well be a result of Chaser effect. Even if it is, I don't know what can I do to help myself. I just feel stuck and I want to cry. I can only handle so much at a time. So, I am taking some time to relapse. I don't know if that would make things better or worse. I will return to NoFap once after I would be done with the exam. That means after 3. I don't think there's a point starting any streak before that. I don't think I will be able to do that. I am sorry. I failed. I don't want to give up. But I am lost. I am hopeless. I don't really even know if I can be saved or if I want to be saved. Help me if you can. Please just help me, somehow. Please.

    Please tag anyone and everyone, who you think can help me. I am sorry for bothering everyone I have tagged here but I am desperate for any suggestion you guys might have. Any help. Please.
    @Loveless-J.R.A @pornlessgeneral @Newgirl @Coffee Candy @Freedom_lover
     
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
  14. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed.
    I relapsed because I am anxious.
    I relapsed because I have very low self-confidence.
    I relapsed because I am under a tremendous amount of pressure of performing well.

    But most of all, I relapsed because I let my guards down. I relapsed because I stayed unfocused for too long. I relapsed because I had already been thinking since past month that what if I relapse sometime near my exam.

    This relapse is worse. I am feeling so bad about everything. I am under relapse for two days now. The urges have gotten the best of me. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am the most depressed I have been in past 40 days. I didn't expect this from myself after a 30 days streak. I had finally attained some clarity in my life. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to feel bad about everything around me. Not anymore. This relapse was a result of bad circumstances as well as bad conditioning of my mind. Now I need to be more determined than before. I need to be more conscious and I need to be more alert about what I am putting myself through. I have an exam in 3 days. And here, I am. Promising myself something.
    I promise to myself that I would not give into any urges anymore. Also, I would not toy with my future life, be it any aspect either mental, academic or physical. I would not give into these animalistic desires of hurting myself. I would not consume this poison anymore. I pledge to get back up, this time, fiercer than ever before, more focused than before, more alert than before with a better knowledge of what to do in my mind and my heart.

    I pledge my devotion to not fapping at all. I can do this. I will do this. Failures aren't the end of the road. Failures are supposed to be stepping stones. And so, I will treat this relapse as the same. I have learned quite a few things about myself during this two day span and I am going to put all of myself into abstaining from this muck. Thanks to all who have been so supportive all this while.
     
  15. Guardian93

    Guardian93 Fapstronaut

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    Recovery is not linear. I've been on a 16 days streak, then make it to 23, then back to 16, then 13, later I wasn't even able to make it pass 9. And here I'm, on day 25, and I feel as if I can make it to +100 days without a problem. Recovery is not linear, everytime you learn something new, and eventually, you succeed. This is how I see it.
     
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  16. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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  17. pornlessgeneral

    pornlessgeneral Fapstronaut

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    It's ok to relapse if you have put a good fight already and you are serious about overcoming pornography once and for all. Yes, it's not linear. And as I said it's sometimes ok to masturbate in order to escape from pressure and avoid porn. For example, although I have never really relapsed in the last 70 days ever since I decided to quit pornography, I still masturbate once in a week or even once in a 5 days. I want to quit masturbation as well but I need to take smaller steps in order to achieve that.

    We are not monks or nuns. We live in a society where we are constantly bombarded by images and information which sometimes even encourage us watching porn.

    I think India is similar to my country. It was a closed country in the past where women were forced to be very caste and pure for their future husbands and now India is very open to novelty including pornography.

    Yes, you need to be saved because pornography and it's consequences are hell. They affect your life in many subtle ways.

    I could recommend you to watch some powerful mantras made by a well known sage from your country. I don't know exactly what fits you best but I know a good healing mantra which works well against depression.
    It's the lack of good energy and depression which drive you back to porn.

    As for your exams I would say they are less important than your purity. If you achieve real spirituality and purity you could become stronger and more intelligent than all your university colleagues.

    Now go and study for your exam. It doesn't matter if you relapsed one time. The important thing is to keep doing the good fight.

    P.S: I have an exam too today and I didn't study much but I don't really care. The important thing for me was that I have abstained form pornography and I have already changed my life.
     
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  18. Bee_11

    Bee_11 Fapstronaut

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    Your comment lifted my spirit. It is great knowing all of your experience. I read this same thing in the getting started journal about how removing porn first is the better technique. I guess, I will start with this.

    As per day 1, I am still feeling a little deluded. But I know this. And so, I am not giving into anything that my brain wants me to do. I am just studying and listening to songs. I will cope through this. I will. I know. Thanks a lot for all of this. I really needed it.
     
    pornlessgeneral likes this.
  19. pornlessgeneral

    pornlessgeneral Fapstronaut

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    I've finished my exam. It was a very easy exam. I hope yours will be the same.
     
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  20. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @Bee_11

    To my fellow warrior.....

    It is so good to hear from you. First and foremost, we all care as much about you today as when you had your highest streak. Please do not beat yourself up as it HELPS NOTHING.

    You reset....that's it.... plain and simple. The world is NOT going to end NOR are you some horrible person. You reset......I have reset........the other posters have reset. We are ALL A BUNCH OF RESETS.

    You have inspired ALOT of people during your time here, and believe it or not you STILL ARE. PMO does not define you; but conviction, strength, and humility do.

    You have displayed that during your time here and that is what has DRAWN people to your posts....not perfection but what you share.

    So let us share back to you love, support, understanding and purpose. We are all here to improve ourselves. Dont let a reset or 2 be what defines you. It is the totality of what you do that defines you..... and you have helped alot of people by being light to some dark places in people's lives (including mine).

    So be encouraged...pick yourself up and simply just start for today....just make it through today.
     
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