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Staring down The End

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by brrt814, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. brrt814

    brrt814 Fapstronaut

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    After months of this viscous cycle, it's time to move on. Over a year of dealing with an addict in denial, I now find myself stuck with an addict who refuses to see that there is no repairing the damage at this point. The initial hurt and anger I felt upon discovering his addiction never subsided as he's continued to deny, lie, blame, criticize, accuse and act like a full out ass since then, no matter what I did or didn't do. It's affecting my physical and mental health; I don't eat or sleep, sleeping on the couch is killing my back, and his constant mind games give me panic attacks so bad I want to rip my skin off.

    Yet, he refuses to leave. I would love to turn and walk away but I work from home and take care of the kids and the house. How am I supposed to pack up my kids, myself and all our stuff in addition to my home office and everything I need for my only source of income? I've asked him to leave temporarily which he refused and told me that I could leave. Cherry on the cake? This is my house!

    I would really like to do this amicably, there's no reason to traumatize anyone else any further, but short of having him removed by the authorities, I'm not sure what to do... I've heard addicts need to hit rock bottom before reality really sinks in but I'd prefer not to have to hit rock bottom with him :(
     
    SMK likes this.
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. Your SO is in deep denial if he refuses to change despite all the consequences you are instituting. Sounds like you have done enough to try to wake him up. Some people cling to their addiction like the only life jacket in an ocean with no land in sight. Some sink even deeper into their addiction when confronted with consequences. Some people's rock bottom is much lower than others. You might not be able to inflict enough 'pain' that cuts through his delusion. Some knowingly CHOSE their addiction over their family.

    Addicts can turn downright nasty. Usually the SO is the last person they alienate. But if the SO is insisting on change, then the addict will do everything possible to keep engaging in the behavior and keep the SO in the house. Here's a link that describes some common mind games addicts play and how to counter them. My guess is that he's playing a game of bluff with you... he's probably testing you to see how much he can get away with and that you won't have the courage to kick him out or take legal action.

    It also sounds like you've used up almost all your leverage to get him to change. Is there a way to involve others? Does he have parents or family members that can be enlisted to help? Do you have friends in common that can get involved? Is staging an intervention feasible? Have you contacted an attorney to discuss legal options?

    I'm sorry this is having such a negative effect on your family, but sometimes the addict acts like a cancer in the family and needs to be removed. I'm sure there's already damage being caused to the children and maybe they need some protection too. Some short term discomfort might be need to happen for their long term health. I'm sorry that I don't have more information for when things get this bad and it's this complicated. I hope you can find the resources you need to navigate through this difficult time.
     
  3. brrt814

    brrt814 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the response, that link was a real eye opener for me! Literally every point on that list rang true for me which is both sad and a relief that I'm not losing my mind! I can't for the life of me figure out why a person would want to stay in a situation where they are clearly not wanted and making things worse by staying. That article helped clarify some of that, although I still don't understand and probably never will.
    Unfortunately, in trying to respect his privacy, none of our friends and family were involved initially and now he's used that as an opportunity to tell them all how "badly he's being treated" and they have chosen sides without my side of the story. That was a huge hit to me as I always felt I'd be able to rely on them no matter what happened between my SO and I. They know the absolute worst things I've done in the peaks of my anger and hurt but have no idea how much I put up with before that point. He's been going to 2 different counselors but I fear the same may be true for them as well. I finally opened up to some of my family about all of this and they're still getting over the initial shock. Although I'm realizing I'm not as alone as I think I am, it's still hard to shake the isolation.
    I've managed to find some legal clinics in my area and have taken the steps to get that ball rolling now. Having done that, I already feel refreshed and stronger. You're exactly right when you say some short term discomfort is needed for the long term benefits and to be honest, we've all been living in discomfort for a year now, so it shouldn't be that much of a difference.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  4. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    @brrt814 I am so sorry y you're going through this! Very sorry. You wrote:
    I've been doing extra research right now on "when is it time for the partner to get help for herself" and your words above just described the time.

    Since it's your house and he won't leave:

    -Let your guy know he needs to be thinking about alternative living situations.

    -Call your local authorities to see what your options are. (I'm sure they can give him a police escort off the premises and you can get a restraining order if he tries to come back.)

    -Have the police come and escort him when the kids are away.

    -Give him a time when his stuff will be out on the front porch.

    -Get yourself help because it sounds like you've been traumatized by this. PM me some details and I'll help you look for someone in your area who specializes in betrayal recovery. You really need to heal your brain from this ordeal. If not, the effects will linger well beyond this relationship.
    It's not easy to get through... Hell is never easy to get through, but you've got to do this for yourself.
    All the best to you during this time.
     
  5. fuzzywaz

    fuzzywaz Fapstronaut

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    Brrt814
    I am so sorry to read this.:( I see you've already gotten some good advice to get him out of your home. I just wanted to say that, just by our brief interactions on this site, I know you are a very smart, caring, strong and emotionally intelligent woman. You deserve so much better than what he believes a relationship is. I am thinking of you and your kids and sending you love. You have the courage and strength to do his and you will be happy again. <3
     

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