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Stamina: The lies that porn tells men

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by GG2002, Aug 1, 2017.

  1. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    I JUST wrote about this!! My fiancé and I had a long discussion involving men and their warped perceptions of sex because of porn.
     
    GG2002, Jennica and Kenzi like this.
  2. I hear you. I’ve come to the same conclusion. I’ve been married 19 years and in the early years I thought that if I was better at sex, she would want to have it more often. This was partially true, but there is a limit. If she said what we were doing was good but she didn’t want to do it that often, I would think that there was something I needed to change so she would want me more which frustrated her and confused me. It made me focus way to much on sex because I was always wanting another chance to do it “right”.
    Now I know to accept her libido as it is. She will accommodate me more often if I ask, but it’s for me not her.
    Porn definately warped my view of what I should expect.
     
  3. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    Ditto ditto and ditto. I felt like a failure if she wasn’t in the mood. I assumed it was because she didn’t enjoy it, which made me even more determined to please her, etc etc... vicious vicious cycle.
     
  4. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Men feel like failures or bad in bed if women turn them down and women feel unattractive if men turn them down. Make no mistake a libido mismatch can be a huge predictior of divorce and it’s not just the men who are not getting it enough, there are a lot of women that are not as well.

    I think the biggest factor in dealing with this is good communication. So ask her is there something I’m doing wrong in bed? Is that why you don’t want sex? But I’m all honesty sometimes people don’t know why they don’t want it. Or maybe they do and don’t want to say it. From the female side you find that men have a harder time in general (not all) with identifying how they feel and why. I used to date several men whose only emotions were angry and happy. I would say I understand to feel sad based on my own experience with sad and he would say no I’m not sad I’m angry. So ask a man are you depressed are you stressed at work? Often they say I don’t know and they really don’t know! And when a woman wants more sex she has to deal with a fragile ego. So the man immediately feels attacked no matter how nicely she says it and either starts a fight and blocks out entirely her words or points the finger defensively at her. Well you put on weight or you don’t dress until enough. Now I understand that this could be true if your partner had an extreme weight gain. But often it’s not true but being used to deflect and hurt her which leads to never figuring out what the actual cause is.

    Having sex pre marriage can help gauge married life but if you get married at 20 your sex drive is not the same at 45. And it fluctuates in life. A man who married a woman 10 years his junior may gave no problem keeping up with her at first. But when he’s almost 50 and she’s 39 she is likely to be the one feeling deprived.

    Sex is important in all relationships. But to me it’s about bonding emotionally for the couple. Sure it’s fun but as we age the fun part becomes less and less important and it’s more about bonding.
     
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  5. ThunderMonkey

    ThunderMonkey Fapstronaut

    I have had glimpses of what I want it to be with my wife. The times when it is most meaningful and enjoyable for me have been when we are just being goofy and silly together and our true selves. We laugh, cuddle and that leads to romance and sometimes sex. There is less judgement and neither of us is concerned with pleasuring each-other but instead we are more concerned about expressing our care and love for each other.

    It isn't always like that and that is more rare for us at the moment. I think every relationship is different and no two couples will enjoy the same things, but when I can really be myself and not a sex monkey, that is when I am happiest.
     
    Joona K, anewhope and phuck-porn! like this.
  6. I think that’s what I like too now. I have this guilt over messing up our relationship by being selfish and looking at porn. I feel useful when I can make her O. Like at least I’m good for something. That plus money...
     
    anewhope likes this.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Dressing sexy is on my no list right now. I don't know when it will be on my yes list. (For the record, I have an incredibly short no list.)

    Literally, up until D-Day, almost 20 years, I have always enjoyed dressy sexy in the bedroom. Then in one fell swoop, it was all over. I discovered everything and I decided that he doesn't get to look at other women that way and look at me that way too. It's them or me. The two or three times I have relented because I either really wanted to do something special or his counter number had reached a high number, literally, within 24 hours he relapsed. I refuse to allow myself to be the excuse for falling back into it.
     
  8. TryingHard2Change

    TryingHard2Change Distinguished Fapstronaut

    Wow..that is really good to know. Thanks for sharing.
     
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I have gone over and over in my head both sides of this equation. I really WANT to dress that way for him. It's not a poor self esteem thing for me. In fact, it's just the opposite. I won't be one of many, I just can't do it.
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    yes !! I like costumes etc and I always noticed that he’d go to P the very next morning ( before I had a problem with P , before it came a PA . many times I thought I was the trigger )
     
  11. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    I always enjoyed dressing in something flattering like a cocktail dress that I felt showed my figure for him and helped me feel sexy for me when going out having a nice dinner and drinks with my husband. That was the build up in my mind, flirtatious behaviors between us. Sexy time is being in the nude, feeling each other. Besides sexy nightgowns and teddies are super uncomfortable and I always felt that takes away from the intimacy. Who wants to feel itchy lace while having sex, not me.

    When everything came out it crushed my confidence and I was left incredibly insecure about every little detail. I went out looking for little numbers in the bedroom hoping it would help. I felt fake, uncomfortable and all it did was help my mind to pick out more negative details of my body. Trying to find something that I felt I looked good in, comfortable and hid my stretch marks and belly was incredibly difficult.

    After all this time I feel my old self coming back. I feel the sexiest in a comfortable tank top and sleep bottoms. I can’t stand anything to restrictive or to baggy while in bed. I always found in men in women what’s truly sexy is something of a natural comfortable relaxing form. l always wanted my hubby to see me the sexiest when I was comfortable and feeling free in the candid moments and for the longest time (prior to now) I never knew why that wasn’t happening.
     
  12. My wife must feel the same way. Except she likes to keep clothes on as much as possible. Just hang junk through the fly or pull shorts to the side, you get the idea. I like the nude thing better because clothing is restrictive and chafes. I do like the softness of cotton thought. Sexy lingerie is only nice to look at. Totally not functional.
     
    Jennica likes this.
  13. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the insights.
     
  14. I wish I could last ten minutes
     
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  15. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    It all depends on the context
     
  16. STAR DUST

    STAR DUST Fapstronaut

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    Guys who don’t waste their load on pmo are more pleasurable to be with. Rather it’s 5 mins or 45 mins it can be very pleasurable for both the man and the woman. He must first only strongly desire her and be lost in passion. Men who don’t entertain filth are much more intuitive to the sensual needs and desires of their partners. Rather it takes 5 or 15 minutes worship her! She comes first.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  17. MasterRoshi

    MasterRoshi Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree.

    The 2-3 hour long sex sessions I’ve had are definitely penetration for a short period of it. The entire activity if 2-3 hours include massage, (shower), dress up, foreplay, intercourse, fingering, touching/caressing, masturbation and orgasm, then laying there for a while afterwards.

    But the actual penetration is about 10-15 minutes maximum!

    My long sessions were due to addiction though I think. Cuz I wanted to seek as much pleasure as possible. And I got lots of pleasure by pleasing her (yet it was still selfish), so I kept wanting more and more, longer and longer sessions.

    I haven’t yet had sex while sober, so when I do, I hope it is a more balanced experience where I focus on her needs rather than pleasing her for my pleasure etc..
     
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  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    @WabNabChi what does that have anything to do with it?
     
  19. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Thank you! I am so sick of the myth that it is always the women who are not interested in sex. As I have said in other threads, not getting enough sex and uninterested husbands are common topics of conversation among my circle of girlfriends. Furthermore, although my circle is now in the 40-60 year age, this has been true in all phases of my life so far.
    Yes. AND we often have to suffer the additional humiliation of watching him lust after 18 year olds while we're missing out on some of our prime sexual years.
     
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  20. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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