Sparkz

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by sparkz, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I MOd last night and regretted it today. I thought I'd try 'mindful masturbation' - just enjoying the energy and the sensations leading to orgasm. Problem is fantasies got involved and they are almost always morally questionable. So I felt dirty today. I don't want this feeling in my life anymore. If I could separate the O from guilt and shame and feeling dirty - but it's so rare that I can, and I know I benefit on all levels: emotionally, physically, spiritually from doing MO far less than I used to. Above all I'm annoyed I did it on my week off work because I don't want to spend any of my time off feeling crap. I guess the question I want to know is, can I MO in a healthy way that doesn't make me feel bad? If I commit to a spiritual path by getting baptised, then the answer is no. But now?

    Why don't I just stop? Why am I trying to make MO 'work' for me? Do I want to keep Os in my life that badly? Does it matter to me if I never O again? I guess I just want to hold on to that pleasure. Even though I often regret it after.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
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  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I've MO'd without fantasy three Friday nights in a row now, and they haven't added anything to my life, only subtracted. I've had low energy and been irritable lately, and I've felt a little guilt and shame after every time. I don't know if MO really can be healthy. Maybe it can for some people, but it sounds like no for people like you or I. It's also a false dilemma that quitting MO means no O. There are still the possibilities of occasional dreams or a committed relationship. It's only O-on-demand that is sacrificed.
     
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  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I do not know how to respond to this. I'm sorry, I know you're looking for help but I'm not sure how helpful I would be. My first thing I'd say is that your body is craving intimacy, but I don't know how your life is going or what you're doing about how you feel. I hope you will be able to find peace with yourself soon.
     
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  4. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    It does sound like your brain just tricking you, that somehow you can have your cake and eat it. I don't think I can ever M again without unwanted fantasies becoming involved.. and then it's a slippery slope. It seems our brains will do anything to try convince ourselves that MO is just what we need.. even when we don't actually need it at all.
     
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  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    That's the thing. We don't NEED MO. And I don't think I can do it without fantasies being involved. I just don't want these feelings of guilt and shame in my life anymore. So I've just got to stop MOing.
     
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  6. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I've had a think and my last reset has confirmed to me how much I don't want MO in my life anymore. I cannot MO without fantasy it seems and I'm not going to waste my time trying to master some way where this is possible. Because I've got better things to do! I think it would be very hard for me. I don't want the guilt and shame in my life anymore so I've just got to stop MOing. I'm prepared for the fact I may still slip up, especially the times at night where I actually wake up MOing (like I'm possessed or something). So I'm going to start the day counter again but I'm not going to fixate on it. My aim is to make sure I can go for longer and longer periods of time without a reset. At the end of the day I don't need MO and I can certainly do without the shame. I don't even need O. And even if I stop MOing it doesn't mean I won't O again. I sometimes have them in my sleep and maybe one day I will have them as part of a committed relationship. Even if I don't I've had plenty in my life already!
     
  7. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, this is really helpful. I don't even think it's possible for me to MO without fantasy, but if you can do that and it's making you feel worse, it says a lot.
     
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  8. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    You're probably right about the intimacy thing, but MO is not the answer!
     
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  9. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    This is so good. I'm liking how you're recommiting yourself. What you say is true. Ultimately, we do not need MO to be happy. Shoot, O in general isn't even a necessity. Lots of people can live their whole lives without the thing scientists claim is a "biological need". However, it is good in a relationship. It's supposed to act as a binding force, or a reward for the love you have each other, as I see it. I believe that O wouldn't be nearly as good unless you accomplish it with the person you love, and that loves you back as much.

    Even if you cannot do that, I know you're gonna find a way out of this. That's why that picture of a Phoenix you have is so symbolic around here.

    ^
     
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  10. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I almost relapsed the other night. I started to M, but kind of got bored halfway through. It seemed like the O would be an effort to reach, so I thought 'it really isn't worth the effort' and stopped. Hopefully this happened because I'd gone running that afternoon. I understand cardiovascular exercise can reduce desire? It was weird how I just lost interest halfway through. Anyway, doing that seemed to stave off my desire, and I didn't have all the bad after effects of O. I don't want that any more.

    So yes, I've taken up running recently. I love it. It feels like something I'm naturally good at. And I've just started learning Italian too. I've written down my New Years resolutions, and started working on them already. MO is just something I don't want in my life for the foreseeable future, so I'm not going to focus on hitting certain streaks here.

    I started to M the other night because I was just so full of desire, but I'm glad I didn't O. If I had I would have classed it as a reset, but because I didn't O, I won't. I will let myself off the hook. I'm trying to make fantasy and MO less a part of my life, and focus on making my life better and fulfilling my potential.
     
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  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Good job!

    Running does feel good. If done right your legs tighten in a good way and you feel like you're walking on air!

    That was a close one. Be careful with M sessions, as they have a strange effect of "sweetening up" the idea of a relapse.

    Anyway, good work!
     
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