Sparkz

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by sparkz, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I MOd last night and regretted it today. I thought I'd try 'mindful masturbation' - just enjoying the energy and the sensations leading to orgasm. Problem is fantasies got involved and they are almost always morally questionable. So I felt dirty today. I don't want this feeling in my life anymore. If I could separate the O from guilt and shame and feeling dirty - but it's so rare that I can, and I know I benefit on all levels: emotionally, physically, spiritually from doing MO far less than I used to. Above all I'm annoyed I did it on my week off work because I don't want to spend any of my time off feeling crap. I guess the question I want to know is, can I MO in a healthy way that doesn't make me feel bad? If I commit to a spiritual path by getting baptised, then the answer is no. But now?

    Why don't I just stop? Why am I trying to make MO 'work' for me? Do I want to keep Os in my life that badly? Does it matter to me if I never O again? I guess I just want to hold on to that pleasure. Even though I often regret it after.
     
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2018
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  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    I've MO'd without fantasy three Friday nights in a row now, and they haven't added anything to my life, only subtracted. I've had low energy and been irritable lately, and I've felt a little guilt and shame after every time. I don't know if MO really can be healthy. Maybe it can for some people, but it sounds like no for people like you or I. It's also a false dilemma that quitting MO means no O. There are still the possibilities of occasional dreams or a committed relationship. It's only O-on-demand that is sacrificed.
     
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  3. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    I do not know how to respond to this. I'm sorry, I know you're looking for help but I'm not sure how helpful I would be. My first thing I'd say is that your body is craving intimacy, but I don't know how your life is going or what you're doing about how you feel. I hope you will be able to find peace with yourself soon.
     
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  4. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    It does sound like your brain just tricking you, that somehow you can have your cake and eat it. I don't think I can ever M again without unwanted fantasies becoming involved.. and then it's a slippery slope. It seems our brains will do anything to try convince ourselves that MO is just what we need.. even when we don't actually need it at all.
     
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  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    That's the thing. We don't NEED MO. And I don't think I can do it without fantasies being involved. I just don't want these feelings of guilt and shame in my life anymore. So I've just got to stop MOing.
     
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  6. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I've had a think and my last reset has confirmed to me how much I don't want MO in my life anymore. I cannot MO without fantasy it seems and I'm not going to waste my time trying to master some way where this is possible. Because I've got better things to do! I think it would be very hard for me. I don't want the guilt and shame in my life anymore so I've just got to stop MOing. I'm prepared for the fact I may still slip up, especially the times at night where I actually wake up MOing (like I'm possessed or something). So I'm going to start the day counter again but I'm not going to fixate on it. My aim is to make sure I can go for longer and longer periods of time without a reset. At the end of the day I don't need MO and I can certainly do without the shame. I don't even need O. And even if I stop MOing it doesn't mean I won't O again. I sometimes have them in my sleep and maybe one day I will have them as part of a committed relationship. Even if I don't I've had plenty in my life already!
     
  7. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, this is really helpful. I don't even think it's possible for me to MO without fantasy, but if you can do that and it's making you feel worse, it says a lot.
     
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  8. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    You're probably right about the intimacy thing, but MO is not the answer!
     
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  9. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    This is so good. I'm liking how you're recommiting yourself. What you say is true. Ultimately, we do not need MO to be happy. Shoot, O in general isn't even a necessity. Lots of people can live their whole lives without the thing scientists claim is a "biological need". However, it is good in a relationship. It's supposed to act as a binding force, or a reward for the love you have each other, as I see it. I believe that O wouldn't be nearly as good unless you accomplish it with the person you love, and that loves you back as much.

    Even if you cannot do that, I know you're gonna find a way out of this. That's why that picture of a Phoenix you have is so symbolic around here.

    ^
     
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  10. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I almost relapsed the other night. I started to M, but kind of got bored halfway through. It seemed like the O would be an effort to reach, so I thought 'it really isn't worth the effort' and stopped. Hopefully this happened because I'd gone running that afternoon. I understand cardiovascular exercise can reduce desire? It was weird how I just lost interest halfway through. Anyway, doing that seemed to stave off my desire, and I didn't have all the bad after effects of O. I don't want that any more.

    So yes, I've taken up running recently. I love it. It feels like something I'm naturally good at. And I've just started learning Italian too. I've written down my New Years resolutions, and started working on them already. MO is just something I don't want in my life for the foreseeable future, so I'm not going to focus on hitting certain streaks here.

    I started to M the other night because I was just so full of desire, but I'm glad I didn't O. If I had I would have classed it as a reset, but because I didn't O, I won't. I will let myself off the hook. I'm trying to make fantasy and MO less a part of my life, and focus on making my life better and fulfilling my potential.
     
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  11. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Good job!

    Running does feel good. If done right your legs tighten in a good way and you feel like you're walking on air!

    That was a close one. Be careful with M sessions, as they have a strange effect of "sweetening up" the idea of a relapse.

    Anyway, good work!
     
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  12. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I reset the night my period started. Woke up with an intense craving for an O, and gave in, blaming the fact it was my period. Maybe next time I'm on I will buy myself a cake. Then I can have my cake and eat it. Ho-hum.
     
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  13. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Oof. I'm sorry to hear that. Cake does sound like a good idea though.

    Best of luck next time!
     
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  14. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I'm not going to be on here now until after Xmas, so happy Xmas everyone x
     
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  15. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Merry Christmas! Have a good one.
     
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  16. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    @sparkz

    Been reading your journal. And it us great to see you making progress.

    I have found that I while I usually talk about being lazy or not having something to do, usually for me the desire to M is always based on meeting some sort of need. The trick is our minds play games with us and we say we like the sensation of it and can edge and be okay.

    This happened to me this morning. I have been studying hard for a test I am about to take today....and have realized that I have alot of thoughts of P and interest in reading up on pornographic stars.

    My wife is on her period, and before I knew it I had inserted my wife as the character of a porn scene I watched recently before going NoFap.

    I like you went to take a shower this morning and was just "curious" to get those arousal sensations again. I began to M and ultimately Edge. As it started feeling good, I remember thinking to myself this is not going to end well.....and another thought was "So what, I don't care". I realized I had said it out loud. And the truth was I most certainly DID care. I was able to stop.

    Why am I sharing this....because I am weak right now because of my ELEVATED stress level. I have to identify and call it out for what it is. Stress is a trigger for me. I have to face and own up to it, and come up with better alternatives. PMO are easy and quick fixes, but do not address the real problem. I need more constructive ways to deal with stress.

    Hope this helps you and let's you know we are all on this journey together.

    Stay encouraged and let's break your record.

    PS: Pray for me as I am about to take the test.
     
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  17. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you this does help me. I have realised that when certain milestones are coming up I tend to get urges. It's true - we just have to identify the cause and try and find a better alternative. Hope your test went well.
     
  18. Prov2416

    Prov2416 Fapstronaut

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    I passed my test.

    Thanks for asking. Things have subsided a bit. 2 more days to go and my wife and I will be good to go.

    How are things for you.
     
  19. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Happy New Year everyone.

    My start to 2019 hasn't been bad. I've not done M, and I've renewed my vow to quit caffeine, at least for January, and take it from there.

    Today has turned into a bit of a rubbish day, though. I realised over the festive period that I feel a little lonely, and I haven't been able to shake this off. Been thinking about my ex a lot, and been fantasising about a couple of guys at work (both singly and at the same time, I'm sorry to admit). So yes, I'm kinda horny. Watched Star Wars: A New Hope today and appreciated with full force just how much sexual imagery is in that film (even Darth Vader's helmet is vaguely exiting). Or maybe that's just me.

    But joking aside, yes I've been craving M. I've been craving caffeine. But I don't want to give in because I know that on some level both these things are bad for me. I have other resolutions too: watch more films (hence Star Wars), carry on jogging, read more, learn Italian, carry on with my Bible study. There are also some big changes I plan to make this year: new job, new house. I expect it to be a year of big changes. So there comes a certain weight of responsibility with that. I feel very much like my destiny is in my hands and I don't want to screw up this decade the way I did my twenties (though my twenties were certainly interesting). I pray to God but I know my faith is shaky; I am not a true Christian like my ex but he was the one who introduced me to God, and because my ex was the first person to make me feel truly loved and accepted for who I am, I cling to God now because I no longer have my ex.

    I know this is stuff for a counsellor to hear and I don't really expect any heartfelt responses or advice. I know I'm not around on here much anyway (another of my NYRs is to cut down on iPad use). I guess I'm just having a brain dump because it's better than doing M, which I feel tempted to do.

    Tomorrow morning I will go for a long walk to clear my head (it's late now). I will feel better after. Just recently though it feels like any time off I have from work is difficult to enjoy because I start thinking about stuff and find it difficult to switch off.

    *Brain dump ends*
     
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  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Happy New Years.

    I know how crazy it feels when your libido is on a crazy high. Just about everything seems to be "exciting" in a way. Phew, you get some crazy stuff.

    You've been spending a lot of time with thinking. The brain dump you've been having is really good. It's healthy and gets things off of your chest. Thank you for sharing what you feel.

    I want you to know that we are still here for you, whether you are extremely active or not. If you need to have another brain dump or you need help, you do have an audience. You could also PM me if you just need someone to talk to.

    All the best. Good luck.
     
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