I MOd last night and regretted it today. I thought I'd try 'mindful masturbation' - just enjoying the energy and the sensations leading to orgasm. Problem is fantasies got involved and they are almost always morally questionable. So I felt dirty today. I don't want this feeling in my life anymore. If I could separate the O from guilt and shame and feeling dirty - but it's so rare that I can, and I know I benefit on all levels: emotionally, physically, spiritually from doing MO far less than I used to. Above all I'm annoyed I did it on my week off work because I don't want to spend any of my time off feeling crap. I guess the question I want to know is, can I MO in a healthy way that doesn't make me feel bad? If I commit to a spiritual path by getting baptised, then the answer is no. But now? Why don't I just stop? Why am I trying to make MO 'work' for me? Do I want to keep Os in my life that badly? Does it matter to me if I never O again? I guess I just want to hold on to that pleasure. Even though I often regret it after.