Sparkz

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by sparkz, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    This has literally made my day. Thank you for reading and for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.
     
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  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Your welcome.

    Also I love the fact that you have a Phoenix motif for your journal. It really shows what your attitude is, and it's looking pretty good! I just used a Michael Jackson song for my journal.
     
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  3. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Well, my first week back at work after my holiday is over and after a two week trial I can say that my eight rules with regards to my appearance preoccupation seem to be working for me and I should stick to them. Here's a recap:

    1. To use mirrors for functional purposes, not to assess my looks
    2. Not to engage with negative thoughts about my appearance that pop up in my head. Just acknowledge them then pass over them
    3. To use different mirrors and lights and not stick to one which I 'trust'
    4. Not to ruminate about how to improve my appearance
    5. Not to focus on the bits I don't like when I use a mirror but to look at my whole face/ the bits I like, e.g. My eyes.
    6. Not to judge myself by my appearance but by my other qualities and the things I can do/have done.
    7. Accept that my feelings about myself can fluctuate and it's okay not to love myself all the time.
    8. Not to worry or ruminate about my appearance AT ALL.

    These rules help me to focus on other things and just live my life rather than worrying about my appearance. On this subject, I spoke to a girl at work yesterday who's clearly had some sort of cosmetic work done. Her face looks slimmer and more angular and her lips look like they've been botoxed or something. While I'll admit she looks kinda good, in a botoxy sort of way, I don't think I would ever get this kind of thing done. It's too expensive and probably does lasting damage. Also it seems to mock God's design because it never really looks natural. She's a nice girl and if she's happy to do that, fine, but I don't think it's for me.

    On another subject, I haven't done M now for four weeks. It feels good to enter a new month with that progress behind me. My period started yesterday but I'm feeling strong. I don't want to M. Instead I just want to chill today, do Bible study and partake in my new hobby of practicing drawing and illustrating.

    We are entering a beautiful time of year in the UK: lovely autumn. I'm planning to start doing exercise classes, go for lots of walks in the countryside, cook, bake, work on creative projects, practice drawing, decorate my house. So I'm going to be quite busy. I hope doing exercises classes with others might help me come out of my shell a bit more. I'm not a very social person and I do believe that this might be contributing to my depression. It's not easy for me to talk to others really but I'll try. I don't really seem to click with other people most of the time. I think it's because I'm not very worldly, and I don't trust people (and I have my reasons). So my expectations are pretty low. But if it doesn't work I'll still learn something new.

    I will also continue to study the Bible. I am making good progress and there are always lots of questions to explore. It is fascinating. I'm doing a kind of historical study as well as a spiritual one. So I have lots to do during the colder months. And I love this time of year: just sitting in front of the fire, walking through the autumn leaves, actually really enjoying food again because I can eat lots of stodge! I am going to decorate my room with candles and fairy lights. So, that's my plan!
     
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  4. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    You're doing awesome! Keep it up!
     
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  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I had a minor M relapse today. I was having an afternoon snooze in bed (lazy Sunday) and I was fantasising a bit. I started edging - just grinding slightly, but then I had an O quite quickly. Just a small one, but it felt good. I feel slightly guilty now, but not too much, as I did it when I was half in a dream state, so not really fully conscious, and my M frequency and duration has hugely dropped over the past couple of years - a quick one once a month seems to be my average now. So I have come a long way. Just like last time it's my time of the month and I'm having a lazy day - these things obviously make me more vulnerable to temptation.
     
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  6. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Oh yeah, be careful out there. Be strong!
     
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  7. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    I love your plans for autumn, it's my favourite time of year too, as the nights draw in, it's a lovely time for getting cosy indoors after a walk, reading a good book with a nice cup of hot chocolate.

    :)
     
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  8. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Hello, me again. Despite my slightly complacent tone after my last M relapse, I do feel guilty about it. I've come down with a cold since then too and feel slightly run down. Not saying the two things are linked, other than in the sense where it's funny - you can feel really good about your life and then the next day not so good. I feel quite crap at the moment actually.

    And I've realised that even though I don't have the counter anymore, I'm still a bit obsessed with counting the days/weeks since I last M'd. Another distraction which distances me from life that little bit; another way in which I try to have control. Does that make sense? I suppose this is normal; we all have things we try to control?

    I don't know. I would say Autumn has definitely arrived here in the UK: it's rather lovely, and hopefully when this cold has gone I can enjoy it more. Keeping up my Bible study, and still practicing illustrating a little bit. Haven't gone to the gym recently due to messed up work hours and feeling run-down, but been doing quite a bit of walking. Sticking to my rules for my appearance and it's fairly easy now to do so: just decided I'm not going to think about my appearance more than I reasonably have to for the next few months. Drinking a bit of caffeine because it helps when I'm ill.

    Brain dump ends. Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if my responses have been a bit minimal of late: busy/tired etc.
     
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  9. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear you have come down with a cold. Honestly, i think the two are somewhat linked. From personal experience as well as seeing many success stories where people note how much stronger their immune system is after a lengthy period of nofap, I think PMOing makes you more susceptible to illness.

    For me in the past, there were two years where i got the flu and it was horrible. And i would catch colds very often. This was at the height of my addiction

    In these past 5 months of nofap, i didn't get sick one time, which is very unusual for me. I started to get sick a couple times actually and my body overcame it before it got bad. My body was never able to do this before. So i think there is a connection
     
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  10. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    It's okay! We're still here for you.

    Sorry to hear you've got a cold, those can be annoying, but if you can stick to it and be strong you'll heal in no time.

    Good to hear you've been passing the time well. Sounds like you're doing very well.
     
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  11. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I think there is a link between regular PMOing/MOing and poor health. Orgasms can be pretty draining after all. They can do all kinds of weird stuff to us physiologically/psychologically. Even though my MO was a one-off, and very brief, I can't help but feel there's a link, even if it was more the angst it caused rather than the act itself.
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
  12. LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself

    LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself Fapstronaut

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    Hello Sparkz.

    I wanted to say that although I haven't yet read all of your journaling, I can still be relevant to the post that started about the mirrors Sept 1, 18:
    - Mirrors changed my life for the better, then for the worse, then back for the better, as a man. When I was 15, I looked at myself, and I had this moment, and I thought I looked better than Kirk Cameron or something. Maybe I did and maybe I did not. The point is, it gave me a source of confidence. That was why I believed I could meet women, strangers in the mall. It was tough at first, but I kept trying. After a year, things started to work.
    -Most of my adult life I was morbidly obese, and looking in the mirror, despite my wife's complements all the time when we were married, there was a bearded, double chinned weirdo, more appropriate for companions who live under bridges and in squats.
    - Then after the divorce, I lost all the weight, and became muscular. I looked more gaunt, but I still had an edge in the mirror, which was that I was a thin, athletic guy, and those are definitely an endangered species, at least in Kentucky.

    -The only comment I can make about female beauty is that I'm a sapio. So I just cannot do stupid women, and cannot hang with morons, period. But remember, I'm in Kentucky. Nuff said...
    - I guess I just don't need female beauty anymore. What i need is the commodity that seems to be scarce around here, which is interest. If I talk to somebody, if they are female OR male and under 30, just to make simple conversation is an attention battle, me vs. their irresistable urge to check the smart phone. How it works for other people, but for me, I give them 2 tries and if they can't give me a reaction in person in a reasonable amount of time, I move on. Sorry world, you aren't going to waste my time. You win, and your prize is the ignorant morons who think a like has "meaning" or "value". Hopefully, they will give you a "like". Does the bank cash those?

    - Lastly, I am a serious Protestant myself. I read the ESV online through the Gideons study. The pace is perfect for me. It's about 18 minutes per day of NT & OT. But I take a little longer when I'm in my favorite parts;Proverbs, Judges, Romans, Revelations, John, and the John letters. There's a Gospel with my name all over it!

    Be well, and hmu if I can be of assistance. My journal is called the furthest I've been...a journey or something like that... I'm on here several times a week. I'd also love to learn more about the UK, I'm a closet Anglophile.
     
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  13. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, my issues with my appearance are also to do with my adult appearance. I don't have issues with my weight or anything, I just don't really like the way my face has changed as I've got older, and the way I look and feel 'heavier' now, even though technically I'm still a skinny person. I guess I just don't like looking like an adult woman version of myself. That probably sounds really weird and reflects something 'abnormal' about my psyche.

    I do get some attention from men, but I don't really care. I'd rather be happy with myself and I'm not seeking a relationship.
     
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  14. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Quick update: I had an M reset about a week ago. Didn't really enjoy it though. It seems to be almost impossible to have an M session where either 1. I don't feel guilty and bad after, or 2. I actually really enjoy it. Which makes me question why I bother really, even putting aside the spiritual reasons not to do it.

    Otherwise things are pretty good. I'm enjoying the onset of autumn, engaging my mind in new things, exercising, and drinking less caffeine. Still have anxiety and stuff but I have ways to cope, and I haven't really felt depressed for a while. Not that I want to jinx anything!
     
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  15. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    That's awesome! I'm sorry to hear about the reset, but as long as you're healing the counter doesn't matter.
     
  16. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I was wondering how you're doing? Hope it's going ok.
     
  17. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Hi all, hope everyone is well. I've not updated on here for some time now - just living my life I guess. I seem to be doing M about once every 3-5 weeks at the moment - probably once a month on average. I prefer to not do it though, and hold out as long as I can. I usually do it when the urges get overpowering at night - like, last time, just before my period, I woke up and started grinding my bedsheets still half-asleep, not really knowing what I was doing. Then I woke but didn't want to stop. I also O in my dreams, but I still prefer this to making a conscious decision to M when I'm awake. Ovulation and right before my period are probably the peak 'danger times'.

    I like the energy and 'fullness' I get from not doing O though. I think it makes me more loving and spiritually stronger.

    I am getting better at not ruminating though I still have a bit of caffeine. I feel okay about that though. I do like my gingerbread lattes ;-).

    Recently I had the inspiration to get a new look for myself. I've bought myself some new clothes and will be getting my hair cut into a new style soon. I've even started wearing more makeup and generally having a better beauty/grooming regime. It helps me feel better.

    I've decorated the house with candles and fairy lights and it's really cosy and makes the long dark evenings pretty amazing. Since we're on the brink of a new month I have some new goals:

    1) read more, even if it's only once a week.
    2) devote an hour a day to spiritual or creative pursuits
    3) try a new exercise class
    4) try going November without M at all, as a mark of respect for this amazing website (the first ever NF challenge took place in November).

    Thank you @Retro Girl for asking me how I am. I'm doing pretty okay right now - just enjoying life more and busy with plans. I feel like I'm just living life more right now and it's good. Like the seasons I am changing.
     
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  18. Mindy

    Mindy Fapstronaut

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    We are the same person, it’s wild. I love reading your posts. You are never alone in this fight because trust me I know exactly how you’re feeling!
     
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  19. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    Glad you're doing ok, I missed your updates, enjoy reading your posts but if you're busy living your life and not thinking too much about nofap that is good.
     
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  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hi Sparkz, sorry for disappearing for a while.

    I'm glad the rate of PMO is dropping for you. A few times a month compared to a few times a day is such a huge sign of progress.

    You seem like you've got a solid plan for November. How wonderful! I hope you can meet your goals.

    All the best! :)
     
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