Sparkz

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by sparkz, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. Skallopway

    Skallopway Fapstronaut

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    Hello,
    I’m new to this website. I’m struggle a lot, I miss a man that made me feel “nice” and I’ve been objectifying him way too much. It hurts still just like you and it’s been 3 months. I’m also an active church goer, Catholic per se. God is good and it doesn’t hurt to talk to someone at church who can give your resources. I find him in my brokenness, not when I’m trying to be strong. I think my heart will change internally, one day. I hope.
     
  2. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    God sees our pain and will help us, if we accept His help. Was the man also Catholic?
     
  3. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Meeting my goals at the moment. Still disappointed about Saturday's little relapse. It's not even like I got a good O out of it. And I fear because of that I will be tempted to MO again once my energy and desire have reached a peak. But a big part of me would like to push through that and see just what can be achieved with all that energy.
     
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  4. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Keep it up!

    I noticed last time I MO'd it wasn't even that pleasurable, so it was basically a waste. I'm trying to push through the worst, too. I think I almost made it. My brain was throwing a total fit, so I think I almost reached a flatline.
     
  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Well done on your streaks! Flatline is so handy - I once went for about a month in flatline.
     
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  6. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Done three weeks of my reduced caffeine intake now. I'm sticking to my rules of only having it when I'm tired and need it for work etc. It seems to make it more effective and with a longer lasting effect for the times I do have it, and anxiety is reduced overall I would say. So it is worth it, to have less caffeine in my body. Over a week since I last MO'd. Haven't really thought about it in that time. I think having less caffeine also reduces my cravings in that respect.
     
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  7. Skallopway

    Skallopway Fapstronaut

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    Yes, but not catholic but at that time, it seemed like he was interested in coming back again. I don’t know now, now that I don’t talk to him anymore, he lives in Italy. He definitely had a charm that pulled me.
     
  8. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Feel like I'm progressing. Work is keeping me busy and is probably one of the main reasons I don't MO much. I will have ten days off soon though, which I'm pleased about. Will be way better though, if I don't MO during that time.
     
  9. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Went for a long walk today to think about the progress I've made and where to go from here. I've now reached four weeks of my reduced caffeine intake and I think it is beneficial for me so I will carry on. It's two weeks since I last MO'd. This is something I don't want in my life anymore because I want to use my energy for other things.

    There is just one loose chain now, I feel, that holds me back from my potential, from what God wants me to do. I can be a little preoccupied and insecure about my appearance, especially my face. I have improved over the years but there's a couple of little bad habits I want to be free of. I do not want negative thoughts, anxiety and depression about my appearance to hold me back. So, for the next three months, these are my goals in regards to my appearance and my preoccupation with it:

    1. To use mirrors for functional purposes, not to assess my looks.
    2. Not to engage with negative thoughts about my appearance that pop up in my head. Just acknowledge them then pass over them.
    3. To use different mirrors and lights and not stick to one which I 'trust'.
    4. Not to ruminate about how to improve my appearance.
    5. Not to focus on the bits I don't like when I use a mirror but to look at my whole face/ the bits I like, e.g. My eyes.
    6. Not to judge myself by my appearance but by my other qualities and the things I can do/have done.
    7. Accept that my feelings about myself can fluctuate and it's okay not to love myself all the time.
    8. Not to worry or ruminate about my appearance AT ALL.

    What do you think? Is there anything I could have missed? This is my plan for the next three months, and I will see how I feel after that. There may be times when I feel uncomfortable and I will want to reassure myself that I look 'okay'. But this maintains a great value and emphasis on my appearance, and after all, appearances change and beauty can fade. I know that putting great stock on my appearance will cause me much anxiety and heartache. So long as I am healthy and happy that's what matters. It's what God wants and what my ex would want, who reassured me I am beautiful and he will always love me. He loves me and would not want me to be unhappy because of my appearance. I thought the other day that I'd rather not have anxiety in my heart about my appearance. It's not worth it. I'd rather have a heart filled with the love of God, and I want to see how my life could improve if I live in accordance with this value for a while.

    Worrying about my appearance is a waste of my creative energy!
     
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2018
  10. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Congrats on the four weeks and two weeks!

    This sounds like a good plan! In all likelihood, you are more critical about your appearance than other people are :) I'm a bit OCD and perfectionist about other things, and struggle with self-acceptance. It boils down to me feeling like I have to "earn" love from other people, because my parents were always so critical and expected adult maturity from a child.
     
  11. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Yes, my parents were quite critical of me too. I had a lot of pressure to achieve academically when growing up. Plus, for one reason or another (though this may be a contributing factor) I have an anxious brain which likes having problems to try and solve!
     
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  12. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    So far things have been going well with the eight rules I set myself above. Because I am not allowed to worry about my appearance for the next three months, I actually feel a rather wonderful feeling of liberation. I feel like a person whose looks are not an issue for them. Of course, my worrying brain has moved onto other things to worry about. It was trying to worry about my skincare regime the other day, then I reminded it that that technically counts as an appearance concern. It is not really a health risk if, heaven forbid, I get dry skin.

    Then it tried to worry what I should do with my week off. It's my week off, I told it. I've worked hard, so hell , I should just enjoy being off work.

    All worrying is bad. God has told me this. So if I find myself ruminating I must stop, and I have allocated myself a worry period each day. This takes place for half an hour after dinner in the evening, where I tell God all my worries in my journal. That is the only time of day where it is allowed. And I find that usually they do not last the full half an hour, so soon I'm telling God more positive things, and the things I'm grateful for.

    My other aim is to not M during my week off. It will be great going back to work with over three weeks of no M behind me. All that energy!
     
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  13. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Last night I had a dream where I started to M, but I held back from having an O. This is the first time I can remember preventing an O from happening in a dream. Interesting. Could I prevent wet dreams from happening, and the desire that follows them?
     
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  14. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I'm still having other worries and OCD-like urges to check things. I've always suspected I'm slightly OCD. But is it really a big deal? I do what I can to deal with my worries. So long as it does not significantly get in the way of my life, I'm fine. I don't know though. I feel kind of disappointed I'm not feeling any drive or enthusiasm to do things. No urges to M either. Maybe I'm in a sort of flatline. Sometimes I get so bored of thinking about myself and my life. Sometimes I do hate life. And I really don't know what I should do with the rest of my life. Guess I've been overthinking again. It usually results in a bad mood.
     
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  15. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    I like your list of goals concerning your insecurities, it's good to take practical steps to deal with them. I can be a little OCD too, I try to channel it into creative things, writing or simply housework. Obviously, if you're not motivated to do things, that can be a challenge.. but better to do stuff than to think too much and worry. Also, walks in nature and fresh air help clear my head of anxieties.
     
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  16. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply. It's quite reassuring to hear that you're a bit OCD too. I like your suggestions and usually I do try to do things like that. I've just had a bit of a bad day really I guess. But I've just got back from the gym and I spoke to my brother before that. He usually makes me feel better. I will keep your advice in mind. Have not been feeling so creative recently but I guess there's housework that always needs doing!
     
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  17. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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  18. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I've managed to mostly follow my goals concerning my appearance so far. When I started a week and a bit ago I felt positive and even felt I looked better as a result. Seems my mood has gone down since then and I've been having more negative thoughts and feelings about my appearance, but I've been trying not to engage with them by being more aware of my thoughts and not allowing myself to ruminate. It's not easy, but who said it would be? The worst thoughts/feelings are always triggered by seeing my reflection, but I still get regular thoughts when not in the presence of mirrors.

    I've not really thought about M at all, maybe because I'm concentrating on these new goals. My energy and motivation levels are pretty good, though I'm still getting feelings of boredom and depression. I've got plans for the autumn/winter season ahead though, so hopefully they'll take me out of myself a bit (been a quiet week off work).

    Been having the odd caffeine drink as a treat during my week off, but think I will go back to my old system with my return to work tomorrow, I.e. Only when I'm tired.
     
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  19. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Been a bit down the past couple of days. Think I have PMS and I don't really like being at work. BUT at least I haven't MO'd and I'm still following my eight rules even though some days I just feel so depressed by my appearance and I can't stop this feeling, even if I try not to engage with my thoughts. On the other hand, I haven't really thought much about my appearance at all today so that's good. I have felt down, but I do think it's PMS. I am due this weekend so if I make it to Saturday I'll have gone a whole cycle without M.
     
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  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hi Sparkz!

    I've always wanted to read your journal for a while but couldn't get to it, but today I was finally able to.

    You're awesome! You've got a clear goal, and you set rules for yourself, and you're doing what you need to rise above the temptations. I liked reading your journal, and I wanted to say how strong you are.

    This has been a good read. Can't wait for future installments! Good luck on your steak!
     
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