Sparkz

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by sparkz, Mar 20, 2018.

  1. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I've decided I want to put all my energy into running, learning Italian and getting myself a new job. I'm glad to say I got through my week off without M. I feel like my thoughts are clearer. I'm enjoying the sense of progress I'm getting on the above, and I've decided when I go back to work I don't want to waste my time and energy being bitter about my job when I can do something about it - when I have options open to me. It's just about using my time and energy wisely. It's also about self-discipline, so going for a run after work when I may not feel like it, and likewise researching my job options. I feel like I can do it. I've also spent quite a bit of time this week journaling, and getting insights into what my regrets are, and what holds me back. For the longest time I've struggled with self-esteem, and seem to have inherited a lot of bitterness from my father. But his situation and his own regrets/bitterness are not mine. In a way moving away from home is the best thing I've ever done. I feel much more in charge of my life now. But I think a lot of that is also just growing up. Anyway, it's been a constructive week off. Just got to keep up my good habits now when I return to work (five days a week in a job I at best tolerate and at worst despise - but I can do something about it!)
     
  2. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    This has been a good read on your self reflection. I like the personal growth you've been having recently. It's very good for you. I hope you can find the job you're happy with!
     
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  3. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Having some issues with anger at work at the moment. In a way it's progress because at least I'm not turning it all in on myself. But I don't want to be controlled by anger. I've been trying bottling it up but it has a negative effect on me. Need to learn to let it go because these things aren't worth getting angry about in the long term. At the end of the day, I'm leaving my job: I don't intend to stay there so why am I letting these people get to me?
     
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  4. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Well, you're almost done, don't think too much about them. Soon you'll be out of there and at a better job.

    However, it would be a good idea to think about how to deal with your negative feelings. It may be your job now, but what about the future? What if there are other things that can contribute to your feelings?

    I'm not exactly sure what's bugging you, but I hope you can find a way to release the negativity. If you need someone to vent to you're more than welcome to shoot me a PM.

    Good luck!
     
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  5. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I think it would be better to post your question somewhere else as a separate thread if you want more responses, and yeah, you are hijacking my journal here. But since you asked I do mention some of the benefits I get from NoFap in my journal. They include:

    -Better motivation and energy levels
    -Clearer skin
    -Clearer thoughts
    -Brighter, more shiny eyes
    -Better social confidence
    -No guilt, shame
    -Sweat less
    -Feel spiritually cleaner

    I did find that watching porn made me less attracted to real life men. Personally I didn't develop size expectations as penetration was intimidating for me. But as a sort-of Christian I try not to seek out or encourage sexual desire or encounters, and will not be having sex until I'm married or at the very least in a deep and meaningful relationship. I have found by doing NoFap I have been better able to uncover the deep-seated reasons behind my porn use and excessive M of old. So it's worth doing as a woman, even if we can't get ED, we can have other psychical/psychological issues, whether as a symptom or a cause or both.
     
  6. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply. I have moved the question into a new thread.

    I am still curious with what you mean about not being attracted to real men?
    Do you like the assertiveness of the men in porn or more the physical aspects?

    If you want to reply, the new thread is here now:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/woman-benefits-for-doing-nofap.214128/
     
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2019
  7. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Things are not so good at work lately, and I'm experiencing some anger and anxiety. But the only thing to do is keep going, and I'm trying not to let my negative emotions run wild. I have a lot of different coping strategies and I'm going to be relying heavily on them for the next few days/weeks/months - maybe even up until I leave this job.
     
  8. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    Hey, you're doing a pretty good job so far even if you're unhappy with your current situation. I hope you can find a better job soon, too. Keep doing what you're doing to handle your negative feelings, as they seem to be working.

    Good luck!
     
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  9. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I learnt from my last reset that I really am pretty much recovered now from all my old issues around sexuality. I am no longer a compulsive masturbator. I don't use M to deal with stress or depression, but find more productive coping methods instead. I no longer have an issue with penetration. All my old faulty ideas around sex have disappeared. I no longer feel that I 'should' be having sex. I haven't been near porn for years. I am pretty much fully recovered. One or two fantasies/fetishes remain when I M, so I guess these are deep-rooted things. I am much more interested in love and connection than sex. I feel my sexuality is healthy again, and I no longer need M in my life. Perhaps only to release sexual tension. I try to keep away from triggers though, as I don't wish to encourage sexual desire. It is a distraction. So really I've come a long way. I would love to make it to 60 or 90 days without M, but I wonder if really my recovery is complete and I just need to be getting on with my life?
     
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  10. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    I'm in kinda the same boat. I don't feel PMO is really an issue now.. but it doesn't mean everything is plain sailing in my life.. and I don't know where else to come but here for support. Even if we've got a hold on the addiction, doesn't mean we're not free from some the underlying issues that enabled it in the beginning.. and this feels the only place that understands that.. so it's hard to move on completely.
     
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  11. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately I did reset the other night. Woke up in the middle of the night in a really good mood, feeling like all my life was before me. I also woke with an urge for O. I decided to 'celebrate' feeling so good by doing M. Of course I regretted it after. I was still in a pretty good mood for the next few days but regretted the M. I think M should always be an absolute last resort for me, and I should always try to avoid it if possible, because I always feel bad afterwards in some way or other. It doesn't seem to be good for my mental state.
     
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  12. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I still regret my last relapse. It's probably been years since I felt that good - why did I have to taint it by doing M? I wonder how good I could have felt if I hadn't done M. Needless to say, I am back to feeling normal now. I would say overall that I'm more positive these days though. I'm going to aim for March being M-free because I really would like M out of my life as far as is possible. Everything feels a bit up in the air at the moment because my future living arrangements are uncertain, and I'm also looking into changing my job. There may be some big lifestyle changes coming. I have to make some decisions about my future.

    My last relapse really bothers me though and I think it's because it was the night of my birthday as well as the fact I felt so good and hopeful about my future. I mean, my very first day of being 31 and I relapsed. Ha. Oh well, guess it's just a number. Maybe one day I will feel hopeful and excited about my future again like I did that night. Better not M next time - I've learnt it spoils the mood somewhat.

    Anyway, not going to worry too much about my counter. I've got some decisions to make about my life and I don't want the added pressure of worrying about my day count. Of course I want to avoid M but I won't beat myself too much about it if I do relapse. I want to go March M-free and I'll just see how it goes and take it from there. But I won't beat myself up too much if I do reset - even though I don't want to. I just don't want to focus too much on that at the moment when there are bigger issues to look at. But I know that feeling bad about having done M is certainly distracting and discouraging, so I will try to avoid M.

    Also, I've had a few sexual dreams with Os since my last reset, whereas I don't think I had any during my previous streak. Weird.
     
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  13. Retro Girl

    Retro Girl Fapstronaut

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    I think it's quite a common thing, say with giving up alcohol or sugary food (if on a diet) you sometimes feel like celebrating if you've done well with it, and you deserve to reward yourself.. but actually that thing makes you feel worse anyway.

    On the other hand, it's a sign of our recovery if it doesn't effect us too much, I found recently, it wasn't such a big deal to lapse, I'm feeling ok. So maybe it didn't make so much difference to you, just the disappointment? I know it's not the ideal way to have a birthday. A (very) late Happy Birthday from me!

    Also, good luck with changing jobs and new living arrangements and other important decisions you mention. And all the best with P free March!
     
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  14. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Retro Girl. I guess it was the disappointment more than anything, that I thought this was a good way to celebrate. Well I've learnt from that that even celebratory M, or M when I'm in a really good mood, still brings me down a bit. Useful insight I guess. Which confirms to me that I really should try to avoid M, BECAUSE NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF IT!!!!
     
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  15. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Approaching three weeks again, which makes me feel good. But this time I want to go for longer. I like not having M in my life. I've been feeling anxious and self-conscious of late, and I think it's due to the fact that there are changes coming. For example, I will be moving out of my current houseshare with my brother to my own apartment soon (or that is the intention). It is exciting but also a little scary. This is what I attribute my anxiety to. But I have asked God to help me with these feelings, and to help me walk in confidence, knowing that He loves me. I do not want to disappoint Him or let Him down, you see. But I have prayed for his help. I think it's going to be okay. Otherwise, I am focusing on my writing goals and my interest in getting into teaching. Making progress. Still jogging too.
     
  16. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    A year today since I joined NF under the alias 'sparkz'. I haven't made a great deal of progress in terms of streaks but I do feel I've been making progress in life generally, so that's good. I've had my ups and downs but I'm moving forward overall.
     
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  17. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    I feel weak right now. Job prospects don't look good. I have no friends. Don't know where to move to, don't know whether to see my ex again. Or go to church (where he goes or to another?)

    I only know I want to do my writing. I'm not expecting any answers - just putting this down for my records.
     
  18. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    It sounds like you're stressed out big time. I know you haven't asked, but firstly try to calm down. Don't feel rushed or you will make some decisions you are going to regret, including but not limited to PMO. It's better to first be sure you are of sound mind before making any big decisions, and cooling off can help.

    Deep breathing exercises work well, and meditation if you've got some tracks. There are plenty of other ways you can feel better that you know of. Give some a try and see what works.

    Once you've felt better and not as hopeless, then you can start picking what needs to be done. You said you hate your job and that you want to move out, yes? At 17, I'll admit I don't know the full extent of what you're going through, but I'll do my best to help.

    One of the most important skills to learn is deciding what you want to have happen, and what you need to have happen. There are some necessary evils you will have to endure in your life, there is no doubting that. However, it helps a little knowing what your end goal is. I will not speak for you by deciding your needs and wants for you, but I'm sure you will make the right choices for you.

    If you want my personal opinion though, I would say to look into where you want to move as a priority. Don't be afraid to go check the place you want to move to in an open time for you. Once you've decided where you want to move, then you can look into potential jobs there. With this method, you can at least knock out one of your goals, which is to find a new place to live. If it turns out you don't like the job you move into, that's fine too.

    I know you are struggling right now, and I really wish you the best.

    Good luck!
     
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  19. sparkz

    sparkz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks @Solomon435 , your response really helped me put things straight in my mind. I've had a 'cooling off' period this weekend, and I feel clearer about stuff now. I already know where I want to live, to be honest. Although I don't like my job, things are not as bad now, and I can wait on that front. I will start looking though, for jobs in that area. I think right now (and always) I should devote most of my energy to Bible study and writing, as these things are important to me, and not worry about having a career, when really this is not important to me. Also jogging, as it helps me burn off unwanted stress from work. Thank you again, and your username is really apt, as you do have a lot of wisdom for your age.
     
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  20. Solomon435

    Solomon435 Fapstronaut

    You're welcome.

    I'm glad you've been able to find some better feeling of peace other the weekend. That sounds like a pretty solid plan you've got there. I hope you will be able to see it through for the desirable results.

    Good luck!
     
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