Sparky's Synopsis for combating PMO

All,

I wrote a long statement on various strategies I've compiled to help combat PMO, and I'd like to make it public now.



First off: To take from 12 step groups: Use what you like; leave the rest.

To begin, understand you will get out of a reset what you put in. You must be personally motivated to do this. If the only reason you want to change is because a significant other (SO), community, religious group, legal counsel, etc. wants you to change, it's probably not going to last. Additionally, I've seen that strictly transactional motivations (I want to stop PIED, I don't want my SO to leave) are much less effective than personal development-based (it's destroyed my life). No matter how bad it gets, we make the choice to engage in PMO.

Certainly you should read into the reboot sections. Get an idea for the process that's going to happen. (Up at the top is a link to the ever useful glossary). Here's NoFap's basics to rebooting: https://www.nofap.com/rebooting/

Also, look at their glossary: https://www.nofap.com/glossary/

EDUCATION

Educating yourself is key. Your body is going to go through a lot of changes, and because the limbic system thinks all this porn is normal, it's going to put up a fight. You can defend against the anxiety by knowing what's happening and knowing that it is all temporary.

Basically, porn is a super stimulant to your brain. It causes tons of dopamine, with other chemicals, to rush in. Just like drug addictions, over time it takes more porn to make up for it. Also, your brain gets to not wanting to do without all the hormonal chemicals. First couple days you'll feel fine. Then the withdrawal kicks in. You will start getting strong urges to look at porn and masturbate. You may have physical symptoms such as pain in your testes (blue balls). Mine lasted about 8 days. Your body will be begging you to give in. Then it will get better. Right after that is what everyone calls the flatline, which will last 30-60 days. Any residual hormones are out of your system, and your body doesn't remember how to function with normal levels. You will likely feel depressed, you will have no sex drive (plenty of people complain that they get no morning wood, no excitement from significant others, nothing), and you will start to get anxiety wondering if you will ever recover. By about day 90 you should be out of the worst of it. For more information, see https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do .

Note: Full recovery (what I call 5 time constants) can take years. In electrical theory, a capacitor completes 63% of it's charge in 20% of the time. The rest levels out. Recovery seems to follow a similar path). See:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_constant#Time_constants_in_electrical_circuits

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_constant#/media/File:Series_RC_capacitor_voltage.svg

A lot of people get scared about the flatline. They want to avoid it, or they're afraid it's not recoverable. Even I tried to avoid it by trying to "wean" off of porn. It generally doesn't work. The flatline is nothing to be scared of. Just as a person may need a fever to fend off illness, the brain needs the flatline to rebuild. I wrote an analogy about it here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/club-dopamine.101129/#post-834825

I strongly recommend this video on the limbic system vs. the prefrontal cortex, called "Pornography the Perfect Poison." This explains a lot of what is going on:



When you have questions about what is happening, ask the reboot forum. They can help a lot. People can also give you tons of resources on how to avoid the habit.

Read these fantastic resources that are thought out far better than my ramblings:

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/in-case-you-didnt-know.84619/

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/more-you-may-not-know.95737/

There are some good media resources out there:

Pornfree Radio: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast...-pornography/id872329779?mt=2&i=1000384769498

Helpful videos: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/helpful-videos-to-fight-porn-addiction.99966/

Integrity Restored Podcast: http://integrityrestored.libsyn.com/ Disclosure: The podcaster is Catholic Christian, and he does go into that at times. That being said, I strongly recommend episode 14: Practical steps to quitting porn, Episode 18: Tough Love!, and Episode 48: How to better handle relapses. Even if you are not Christian, there are enough resources in those two episodes to recommend listening.

Book: The Porn Myth by Matt Fradd (Disclosure: I won a copy of the book in a contest, but it's a good book.) https://www.thepornmyth.com/

Are you in a relationship? This article is worth reading before the next time you talk to your SO:

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2017/03/07/open-letter-wives-porn-addicts/#

ACCESS TO PORN

If you are serious about this, ALL porn and porn access needs to go. I spent a week deleting a 20 year collection from 7 different hard drives. With my wife in the room, I shut down 21 accounts to various sites. Get rid of the excuses you'll have to go back. Make it more difficult. Yes, I could find a way back online, but I don't have favorites any more, so it'll take longer, and thus I'm less likely to want to use it. I mean this with all seriousness: It only hurts the first time. Once you realize you can do it, it gets easier to hit delete. I'm not saying you won't be white-knuckled the whole time (I was), but you won't hesitate.

As for access, this is up to you. Decide if you need blocking software. There are many options and they'll help. Some people get outside assistance so there is no way they can get back in (give the key to someone else). I prefer to hold myself personally accountable. I have blockers running on my router, but I could override them. If I do, then I'm making a deliberate series of choices and I will be responsible for those choices. Here's a good list of options for blocking software:

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/web-filters

http://www.makenoprovision.com/Accountability_and_Filter_Software/ (Protestant Christian website, but the page is neutral)

I only run DNS filters. Some people in the early days need to have it locked out. That's fine, just don't confuse a lack of access for responsibility. You are responsible if you view P, even if the filter missed something, or you found a way around it.

If you have Apple phones and tablets, be aware, none of the options are good due to the way Apple restricts apps. There is a built in blocker under Settings -> General -> Restrictions, but I've had it block me trying to purchase a stuffed animal from Amazon for my daughter. I hear Android allows total lockdowns, but YMMV (your mileage may vary).

SETBACKS / RELAPSES

If you have a setback (this community calls it a relapse) do not let that discourage you. Learn from what happened. If you struggled with it, and it took 5 minutes to give in, guess what? You fought for 5 minutes! That's better than not fighting at all. What caused you to fight? How can you make fighting easier?

I wrote a quick bit on this here: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/relapse-vs-reset.103387/

As Matt Fradd has said, I want you to struggle with pornography. Struggling means putting up a fight.

FIRST STEPS

I put this at the end, for the same reason I put education first - I want you to know what you are getting into.

Another Matt Fradd line - When you are at your best, prepare for your worst. I want you to make a few lists.

1) What are your motivations? Write them down on a small card in your wallet or save them on your phone and take them with you everywhere. This is encouragement when the urges are trying to make you fail.

2) Make a list of barriers to your recovery and think about ways you can combat them. As you successfully defeat them, line them out (don't make them unreadable/delete them) and add new ones an necessary. It can be useful to review them later to determine if a barrier is rebuilding.

3) Porn filled a role in your life. What was that role? For me, it was stress relief. What are healthy behaviors you can take on to replace that. If you don't replace it, porn will always be ready to come back. Think of both this role and the amount of time it took. Ideally, you should have at least 3 activities: 1 that can be done at home, 1 that can be done out of the house, and 1 that could be done socially. Also, it can be helpful if at least one activity can be done at anytime, 1 can be free (no cost), and 1 is a deliberate activity (i.e. go camping). The key is to mix things up. Cover your bases, and accept that some activities won't work in every situation, or at all.

At first, you may only be able to find activities to address specific problems (i.e. I am going to be alone at home this weekend). I call this "active sonar threats." That's fine. Find specific activities that can address it (i.e. spending time with a neighbor, going to a coffee shop). As soon as you get those filled, start working with your "passive sonar" - think about the unknown threats and consider those general activities I described in the above paragraph so that if you don't have time to use "Active sonar" you're not left defenseless.

4) Build long term and then short term goals. Your long term goals should be open ended, i.e. I want to be P free. Your short term goals will be specific, and they should support your long term goals. They should be "SMART."

• Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
• Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
• Achievable (agreed, attainable).
• Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
• Time bound.

From <https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm>

Why? If they're not specific, you can't tell if you accomplished them. Same with measurable. They should not be impossible, nor should they have moving goal lines, and they need a reasonable deadline. We humans don't do stuff without deadlines. If you realize you are going to miss a deadline, reschedule.

Examples to support that long term goal of being P free:

• I will delete all porn from my computer and 3 hard drives (SMR)by Friday(AT).
• I will have a list of 3 (M) healthy activities (SR) I am willing to try (A) by Monday (T).

It is okay to break them into small segments. For instance, you could have a separate task for your computer, and for your hard drives. This allows you to build on a series of small successes which will give you confidence.

SUPPORT

Consider getting an accountability partner. An AP is someone who you can talk to about what's going on, will support you, and will help you recognize when you are engaged in harmful behaviors. You can also look at support groups such as Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), or similar: SLAA, SRA, SAA. It helps immensely to know you are not alone. It doesn't matter if you are not sociable, any good group should be accepting. If you are looking at the 12 step program, there are some free workbooks at: http://www.12step.org/tools/12steporg-worksheets/ . They will occasionally have references to alcohol, but generally are neutral to any addiction. If you like digital, they have a great OneNote book. OneNote is a free Microsoft Note app, and on each tab you can use 128bit encryption with a unique password. They claim if you lose the password, you will not get back into it.

If you don't like 12 step, you can try this, which claims to be more secular: http://recoverynation.com/

Don't be afraid to get a therapist. They have lots of resources. Yes, they cost money, but how much money are you spending in lost productivity, or potential child support/alimony payments when your SO leaves you, or camgirls? Once you put some money on the table, you are more likely to take it seriously.

You are not alone. There was a great series made by Pro Football player Terry Crews called "Dirty Little Secret." I'll be honest, he is not a very good public speaker, but that's good in this case - he presents himself as very down-to-earth and authentic. I recommend watching the 7 part series when you get the time

A GENERIC STATEMENT ON FAITH

If you have a religious faith, the odds are good they have a teaching on PMO. It can be helpful to look into why they have that teaching in order to help in your healing. Pray, meditate, or use other spiritual methods as appropriate to draw strength. Talk to people in your community (check the groups here on NoFap too for targeted help) for ways to apply your faith to your situation. If you are atheist or agnostic, look at the reasons that PMO are preventing you from being the person you think you should be. And there are secular groups on NoFap as well.

I pray for all of you. And through that, I have been able to assemble all of this to assist you.

CLOSING THOUGHTS

If this sounds like I'm some expert at this, I assure you, I'm not. My day job requires me to be a leader, and as an electrician and engineer, I'm adept at researching and fixing problems. It took me over a year, and well over 150+ failures before I started to gain ground on this, and that was only after I admitted to my therapist that I was about to drop it off my radar. (Admittedly, a few months earlier when I asked for her help, she blew me off. It wasn't until I said I was about to not care that she jumped in and helped motivate me.) We are here to support each other and I hope this helps. I'm here if you have questions.

 

Thank you.

I actually need to revamp it with some more current info. Maybe I'll get to it this weekend.