SpaceBazaar's One Day at a Time

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by SpaceBazaar, Mar 17, 2019.

  1. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Welcome to my journal. I am a 36 year old male, married, with 5 kids. I have been struggling with PMO for most of my life, around 10 at least. In the last few months PMO has threatened to destroy my marriage.

    I finally got on firm footing right after Christmas 2018. I confessed all of my acting out to my wife and we both started on a recovery journey. My journey for porn/sex addiction recovery and hers for trauma recovery.

    I am committing myself to journal at least 5 times per week, preferably everyday.

    Goals
    1. No PM ever.
    2. No lying.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019 at 10:54 PM
  2. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Day 1

    Today has been a roller-coaster ride. This morning started out great; made a Daily Sobriety Renewal call with SA and that connection started my day well. Came home for lunch and did not respond to my wife when she gave me a touch on the shoulder. This dredged up a lot of pain from the past when she had tried to get my attetion with touch. Her hurt cause me to calm up really hard. Not the best response but its all I have. We did eventually talk things through. Though not after a fair amount of dirty looks and some yelling at the kids.

    Question: any advice on how to not lockup when your wife responds to pain that you caused?
     
  3. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Added a goal: No PM ever.

    More goals to come. My brain works randomly right now. I had another goal earlier this evening but it is gone now. Hopefully it returns.
     
  4. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Day 2

    Work sucks this week. Part of the organization that I work for has had in-fighting for the last year and a half. Okay, the in-fighting is older than that it just stepped up a year and a half ago. On Monday, one particular individual, we'll call him Seymour, tried to drag me into the fray once again. I was able to deflect him to the board that provides over site for that part of the organization. However, the episode has severely burned me out.

    The good part is my mind has been so consumed with this that the desire to act out has been nil. Not that there haven't been temptations. There have been. In some ways those temptations have been more insistent that in the last few weeks but have been more easily ignored or easier to not acknowledge.

    The bad part is that the burn out has affected my family time. The apathy that follows my burn outs makes it harder for me to care about everything. Spending time with the kids. Talking to my wife. Moving from my chair. Everything. I am hoping that after the board meeting tomorrow morning that the apathy will lift.

    I have decided to add another goal. My wife and I had a talk last night about boundaries and what boundaries being crossed would result in our marriage being over. One of those boundaries is lying.
     
  5. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Day 3

    Maybe 5 entries a weeks is a bit ambitious for me. I find it hard to journal when things are chaotic or I find myself apathetic. I was able to get out of the apathy pit on Friday when I confronted a department head that installed a home security camera (complete with remote access via Amazon Cloud) in a secured building.

    Today was good. I traveled a couple of hours to see a friend and shared my addiction and recovery with him. One the way home my wife called because she needed to calm down. Our oldest son had been pushing her buttons all day and she had finally had enough. Several phone calls later my wife had calmed down. Now I feel guilty for travelling to see my friend. My wife was behind and encouraged the trip; but the guilt remains. I guess on the plus side we still have all of our children.
     
  6. SpaceBazaar

    SpaceBazaar Fapstronaut

    Day 4

    Today has been a good day. This morning my wife and I felt very distant from each other. My wife had several things that she needed to say. I don't even really remember what. I need to work on that. Church was survived. I messed up the sermon slides (I am not a pastor; I merely make slides based on the pastor's notes) and there was an issue with the plan, rather lack there of, for the missions video. The sermon message was a good one but I find it hard to focus on when things go awry.

    After lunch my wife took the kids to a friends house while I stayed home with the youngest and cleaned. Some how that was the correct decision and I ended up bring the youngest and frozen pizzas over later. A couple of hour play-date turned into an afternoon and evening with friends. It was an enjoyable evening and my wife and I survived it in good spirits.

    My feelings today started low, very low. I felt like a useless, empty shell. How and why I got from there to feeling whole and complete I don't understand. All I can say is that it was a God thing. Through the praise songs, talking with a friend, talking with my wife, and the sermon message my outlook and attitude changed.
     

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