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Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Sosneedhelp, Jul 8, 2018.

  1. Sosneedhelp

    Sosneedhelp New Fapstronaut

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    my boyfriend is addicted to porn and has been for 10 years. We are very in love and this really impacts our relationships and makes me feel so self conscious and in the dark when he watches porn and lies to me about it. Please help, what can I do
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Since you have been together for 10 years, it won't make sense to leave him just for his addiction. That doesn't mean by any way that he is not going to influence your relations. Porn seriously ruins the intimacy between couples and is the reason for infinite physical, mental and psychological problems on an addict. Here are a few things you can try -

    1. Talk to him about this. Be calm. Be gentle. No addict would like to be shouted/angered upon. This generally makes situations worse.

    Give constructive feedback. Praise him. Tell him that he is going to be such an amazing man if he gets rid of debauchery. Your talk must be gentle, supportive and assuring.

    2. Get him to watch a few videos on the topic. Just let him watch and reach his own conclusions.
    Here are a few videos that may help. 1. V1 2. V2 3. V3 4. V4

    3. Now, you don't want to push him into this. You just want to give a spark and wait. Once he agrees and realizes that porn is really damaging relations and other aspects, make an account on this site with his name ( or whatever works) and set up a counter.
    You can be his accountability partner and help him to get over this addiction through your support and talking. There are many ladies here who have helped their SO in getting rid of their addiction. I am sure you can do that too.

    All the best. That's a great initiative you are taking :)
     
    tammygeorge likes this.
  3. Sosneedhelp

    Sosneedhelp New Fapstronaut

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    What??
     
  4. Ok, @EyesWideOpen , here we go...

    Yes, you're right that she should talk to him, and while I don't think she should shout at him, she doesn't need to coddle him either. She needs to be firm and let him know that infidelity and dishonesty are not ok. She also needs to make sure he's aware of the damage he's doing to their relationship and to her personally. Straight-forward and resolute, not gentle.

    Again, gentle is not the way to go, nor should she be praising him at this point. For goodness sake, what's to praise? "Good job, honey, for successfully lying to me long enough to really do some damage."? She can make suggestions and even tell him she'll support his committed recovery efforts, but the only assurance she should give him is that she will no longer tolerate his "debauchery."

    Having him educate himself on the effects of PA is a good idea. And, I'm sure he will reach his own conclusions based on how much he does or does not really want recovery for himself and their relationship.

    This way of approaching him will likely do nothing but assure that he will just carry on with his addictive behavioral ways, IMO. While she can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, most addicts are not going to simply jump on the recovery bandwagon and plow head first into committed recovery efforts because their gf "gave a spark" and then stepped aside to just wait. That wouldn't be much different than doing nothing at all in most situations.

    Once he realizes all the damaging aspects of PA, and if he gives a crap about her or their relationship at all, he should want to figure out his own way of getting to recovery. It is not her responsibility to help him get over his addiction! She should not have to set up any accounts for him, nor should she be the one to do the work for him. If she does, it won't work anyway. He has to see that his PA is a problem...he has to want to fix it himself...and he has to commit to his own recovery and do all that it takes by himself. Otherwise, she'll end up being dragged along through this chaotic, painful mud pit only to end up more damaged than she is right now. She can support his efforts if he decides to do the right thing, but that's all. The recovery work is his...because the addiction is his. What she can do, though, is set some strict boundaries for what she will no longer allow and have consequences established for if they're broken. She needs to do what's necessary to protect herself from further heartache, not protect him from getting his feelings hurt by hearing the painful, ugly truth.
     
    Eleanor, Jennica, Knighthawk and 7 others like this.
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Back on topic...I apologize for my original post getting things off track. It was in response to some very poor advice you were given. I do think @hope4healing did an excellent job at rebutting so I won't rehash that.

    It is clear you find your relationship worth saving and that's wonderful. He will need a supportive partner. But you need to also take care of you. I suggest reading a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Dr. Barabara Steffens. Also, it may greatly benefit you to find a CSAT therapist that treats betrayal trauma.

    For your boyfriend, you need to set yourself some boundaries and be willing to keep the consequences. You have the right to protect yourself from his damaging addiction and unfortunately, he is the only one who can make the decision to stop. By making boundaries you are not only protecting yourself, your heart, and standing up for yourself, you are also telling him that you will no longer tolerate his behavior as an addict because it hurts both of you. He will then have a choice to make in how he will proceed.

    Boundaries are not punishments, although some addicts may feel that way at first. They are protections for you.

    Here are some links to help you get started...

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

    http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/p/our-plans.html?m=1
     
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    You do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, that means safe physically and emotionally. Leaving is an option, don't let anyone make you feel like it isn't. Of course that said it is not the course many of us have chosen, but it doesn't make it wrong. I've been with my boyfriend for 15 years and it has only been since Dec. that he is actually doing the work and getting clean from it. I was ready to leave, it was too damaging for me.
    You can not make him quit and be honest. You can not control him. He has to want it for it to work. What you can do is talk with him, be firm and honest. Don't coddle him. I'd do research on PA, yourbrainonporn.com is a good place to start. These forums are good too, but some of the PA here are still deep in their addictions and addict thinking so don't let them get to you. Others have some really good insight. Set your boundaries and stick to them, they are there to protect you.
    It is a long painful road, many(most?) PA will relapse but it is how they handle it that is important. He really needs to get help, joining the forums(he needs to do this, not you for him) and starting therapy are good. Some people also benefit from SSA and other groups like that. You can help him, but he needs to do the work.
    I'm sorry you are going through this. You can get into therapy for yourself too, betrayal trauma is a real thing and it can be debilitating. Make sure you look after yourself first, he is putting himself first and if you are putting him first who is looking after you?
     
  7. So my post trying to de-escalate was deleted?
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    A bunch of them were. I find the whole thing kind of ironic considering it was all resolved days ago and it didn't continue because we chose to stop engaging. It was a non issue.
     
    hope4healing and Knighthawk like this.

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