SOs: You are not Codependent or a CoAddict Just Because you Love a PA!

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by EyesWideOpen, Aug 8, 2018.

  1. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    PTSD and Betrayed Wives

    Formerly wives of sex addicts (or unfaithful husbands) were beaten up by counsellors, and ‘support groups’ (not unlike the reception the Vietnam veterans received on returning home) who labelled them ‘co-dependents’ and even ‘co-addicts’.

    Today, in the US, the word is finally getting out that wives whose husbands betray them often find themselves suffering the symptoms of PTSD. With the dissemination of that knowledge, we are beginning to find support, sympathy and encouragement to explore the best possible treatment models for our trauma.

    However, most of the rest of the world is lagging behind the US.

    98% of the nearly 600 respondents to the 2014/2015 Survey of Wives of Sex Addicts* say they feel they have suffered symptoms of trauma, PTSD or depression following their husband’s disclosure. If you are being told that you are crazy, controlling, a co-dependent or co-addict, think again.

    There’s every possibility that you’re a wounded soldier, looking for support and affirmation.

    Not that you and I are perfect. Not that we won’t have things to work on, in time. But for now, let’s start with the fact that we are deeply wounded, and frightened – possibly even terrified – as some survey respondents put it.

    The purpose of this blog (and the book that spawned it) is to help promote women’s inner healing, in God, from betrayal trauma.

    All are welcome in this hospital.

    Taken from:

    Beyond Betrayal by Lisa Taylor, endorsed by both Marsha Means and Dr. Barbara Steffens. Also a couples workbook available.
    (Disclaimer: This is faith based.)

    *I have not read this myself yet, but it is next on my list. If anyone has, please post your opinions.*
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2018
  3. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut husband - the PA- sees a CSAT that uses Patrick Carnes methods & the biggest issue I am still having with him is ZERO empathy. He's had 4 sessions w/ the therapist & there has been little to no improvement in his ability to empathize & learn how to help me heal. I'm not involved in anything regarding his sessions with the therapist. Since his therapy started 1 month ago, it's done nothing but make me feel further isolated; like I don't have any thoughts/feelings that might influence his recovery.
    I had my ah-ha moment almost 2 weeks ago. Over those 2 weeks, I began to empathize with my husband. I have 2 of my own counselors, books, & resources at my fingertips. I've spent a lot of my own time learning how to heal; not only for myself, but to help support my husband as well. There has been little effort returned on his part, to truly understand & empathize. He still can't communicate properly. The PA I married is still as selfish as ever "I have to fix myself" (fyi, that doesn't mean you can't fix your marriage, too)

    She has us doing 30 days no sexual behaviors at all. Can't even spoon without him having to be in front of me. No more than a peck. Hugs are ok, as long as they are kept short. WTF. My husband had no physical, emotional, online chat/cam affair. I think this is a bit extreme. It's certainly not helping the situation. I've grown farther away from him than ever.

    I'm going to check out this Patrick Carnes guy....i don't like how I feel like I'm being thrown to the wolves
  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Patrick Carnes is excellent for the PA. It's just that sometimes the SO gets left behind or not as much care is taken as it should be for us. That is one of the reasons for this thread.

    We did a 30 day hard reboot and it did wonders for him. It was hard at first but it turned out to be one of the very best things for both of us. We are thinking of doing another because he has gotten stagnant in his recovery. He is still in recovery and attending his 12 steps, no danger of reset/relapse, but he's just kind of going through the motions and sex has gotten robotic again. So we talked about it and we both think another 30 days hard reboot may be in order to help get him back on track, as well as some very in depth recovery work for him. He even mentioned 60-90 days. We will go 10-14 days with nothing, then will probably add in karezza for the deep connection that we both crave and really enjoy during reboot.
  5. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    I totally understand, and it sucks so much. I get these amazing flashes of empathy from my husband, and then poof! gone. It's all about him again.
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Thank you !
  7. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    Not fully sure,
    But the SAA groups don’t seem to mention
    The SO’s recovery too much.

    Mostly for the PA/SA; normal.

    Therapy is occurring for both, often.
    A couple of SOs have small 12 step groups started.

    Refered one fellow to another whose
    SO has a small meeting.

    I do hear in shares
    How there is BT work occurring.
    About triggered Spouses.

    It’s getting folded into the process, some.

    Good work to educate on PTSD here!
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Thanks to @Qnb42078 for sharing this! There are many free courses and assessments as well as paid content from trained betrayal trauma counselors. Thanks to @TryingHard2Change and others for sharing this. The trauma counselors here are trained apsats mentioned in the first posts on this thread.
    Qnb42078 and Jennica like this.
  9. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I stumbled across this article today & had another a-ha moment in this journey. My husband's therapist thinks I'm a co-dependent! His behavior makes absolute sense now. I highly recommend SOs & PAs read this if the SO is pulling their weight, but the addict is still making them feel equally responsible for the addiction & aftermath of dday.
    Moon Shot, Trappist and EyesWideOpen like this.
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    143 My Recovery From My Husband's Pornography Addiction

    FYI: She is a person of faith and mentions it often in her blog but she is very honest about her feelings during her journey and her experiences and advice could be quite helpful to most SOs.
  11. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Contributed from @AngelofDarkness


    Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Intimate Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction-Compulsivity©:

    1. Discovery Trauma
    2. Disclosure Trauma
    3. Reality-Ego Fragmentation
    4. Impact to Body and Medical Intersection
    5. External Crisis and Destabilization
    6. SAIT Hypervigilance and Re-Experiencing
    7. Dynamics of Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)
    8. Sexual Trauma
    9. Gender Wounds and Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)
    10. Relational Trauma and Attachment Injuries
    11. Family, Communal and Social Injuries
    12. Treatment-Induced Trauma
    13. Existential and Spiritual Trauma

    The link expands on each of these dimensions in depths.
    Taketime and AngelofDarkness like this.
  12. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut


    "Here’s the thing about Betrayal Trauma.

    It makes you feel like you are losing your mind. It puts you on an emotional rack
    and pulls you in opposite directions until you are begging for mercy or you break
    and ricochet over to one of the extremes just to find some relief...

    ...Every betrayed partner is dealt two blows at once when they discover their spouse’s
    sexual behavior. Blow number one is the gut punch of betrayal; a breathtaking breach
    in trust that changes your relationship in permanent ways. Blow number two is the
    shocking realization that your partner has been extravagantly and expertly lying and
    manipulating reality in order to cover up their behaviors. These blows smash into your
    heart and in an instant plunge you into a whole new world."

    Trappist and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  13. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    bump for those that might need this
    Trappist likes this.
  14. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut


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