SOs (significant others): Check Out the SOS (Significant Others Support) Group!

Discussion in 'Women in Reboot' started by themammothrept, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. themammothrept

    themammothrept Der Rebütermensch
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    Being the SO (significant other) of a porn addict can be a lonely experience. The anger, betrayal, loss of self-confidence, shame. Having a partner addicted to pornography is not something most people would want to share with their friends or family. With nobody to talk you, you may feel isolated, like you are the only one among your friends and family with a partners addicted to porn.

    The truth is, your situation is very common. Porn is one of the leading causes of breakups in relationships today. Not only that, pornography use is rampant. 87% or young men and 31% of young women have admitted to using pornography, and that doesn't count the people who were too ashamed to admit their porn use. Point is, porn addiction is widespread, and so are the problems it can create in relationships.

    You are not alone. Here at NoFap, you will find a community of SOs like yourself who are struggling with the same, or very similar problems. This great and supportive community of men and women have created a support group, SOS (Significant Others Support), for people like you who need some help in difficult times. The group is an exclusive group, only SOs can join through invitation or by request. If you are interested, click here to request to join the group, or post in this thread, and a group moderator will send you an invitation.

    PLEASE NOTE: The SOS group is only for significant others (male, female or nonbinary) of porn addicted individuals. If you are an SO, you are welcome. If you are not an SO, please do not apply to join the SOS group. It is for SOs only.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
  2. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

  3. themammothrept

    themammothrept Der Rebütermensch
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    Welcome! :D Please let me know if there is anything else the Moderation Team can do for the SO community.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  4. Sadness7

    Sadness7 Guest

    Awesomeness!! Thanks. ☺☺☺
     
  5. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    I have a question for the SO's here, I have posted this elsewhere, but please could I have your opinion of this? How much do I tell?

    ""Well I have been thinking more and more about this and a friend showed me Step 9 of the 12 steps which says inter alia, "While not procrastinating out of fear or pride, we must consider how our words and the way we speak them will affect others' welfare and self-esteem". It also says,"..changes in our attitude and actions are needed to prepare the way for a spoken apology - and sometimes even takes it's place".
    I got up to some really nasty shit during my addiction and while telling her broadly about my PMO problem, I have no doubt that her questions are going to dig deeper, and I'm wondering how to draw the line between what she wants to know, and what she really needs to know. I cannot lie to her so maybe I should just tell her nothing and rather prove myself in actions?""
     
  6. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    Lying by omission is what you've just described. If she doesn't know the extent of what you've done, she is blissfully ignorant. Keeping things from your SO to save yourself judgment, and possible hurt on their side, is taking away their freedom of choice. By keeping the truth from her, you're denying her right to choose to stay with you or leave. You can't have a relationship with secrets, and it is far better to tell the whole truth and possibly have her leave you. You want her to love you, right? Accept you? You don't get people to accept and love you through hiding parts of yourself. They end up loving an illusion of you, a facade. In the end, it's manipulative.

    I'm an addict dating an addict and we've learned this over the past 2 years fighting our addictions. Tell the whole truth. It will come out eventually because it will eat at you. Lying affects a relationship even if you can't see it. It can distance you from your partner emotionally. She is going to ask you questions and you would do right to answer them honestly and completely.

    That is my very strong opinion on this matter, formed through the secrets I've kept as well as the lies of my SO. Good luck.
     
  7. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    Hey Struggle, you are of course absolutely correct on all counts, and I know this to be true. The thing is that, like most of us here I suppose, I felt like absolute shit after PMO'ing and kept looking for new highs to make me feel better. I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years back and used PMO as an excuse to fight the depression. It's only now I realise that PMO was probably the cause of my depression. I lost all sense of self respect and crawled into holes that make me now cringe with shame. How my wife stuck with me through that time God only knows as I turned into a selfish monster and did not treat her like she deserved to be treated because I didn't think I was worthy of her. Now that I have seen the light I WANT to tell her everything, but she does not deserve what I have done. Yes, I'm scared she'll leave me, but I will accept and understand that, but mostly I'm scared of disappointing her. I now realise that I have had intimacy issues my whole life and discovered very early in life that MO was the one thing that made me feel good and stopped me thinking about what I really wanted, which was intimacy! I developed a shield / persona that the outside world saw, and although I believe my wife will love the real me even more, I have actually deceived her from day one.. Can she forgive me? Would I if the roles were reversed? I don't know. I think I have seriously fucked up. But the only way now is forward.

    You can read my first post here Forgotten what a normal life is
     
    oreogirl and Findinghardtoforget like this.
  8. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    The only way now is forward. You're right. There are seemingly good reasons behind keeping things from others, or else no one would lie! Though those reasons are usually rooted in fear. You're already trying to see it from her point of view, so ask yourself, would you want to know? Would you want to know what your wife has done in secret for years? You would probably be reluctant to hear it, but in the end we have to face what we're afraid of. Otherwise this addiction would consume us. I'm sure your wife is stronger than you think. I would start by giving her a general overview of what you've done over the years and let her decide how much she wants to know (at that moment) after that by asking you questions.

    Congrats on your first 30 days, by the way!
     
    oreogirl and fosterblack like this.
  9. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    Thanks Struggle, I really appreciate what you've said, as it was almost what I wanted to hear. I know now that I have serious trust issues with women in general, probably to do with childhood experiences.. a self absorbed (also a depressive) mother (who did love me, I know) being one of them (may she rest in peace). The romantic (or the real person?) in me wants to trust my feelings and experiences with the woman I love, but it is fear that stops me. Fear of rejection. In fact a massive fear of rejection. People generally like me, but I'm always thinking that it's not the real me they like.. In fact up until now I didn't even know who the real me was! Since quitting PMO I can feel the real me coming out though. I'll handle this somehow. It's part of the process isn't it?
     
  10. Strugglesaurus

    Strugglesaurus Fapstronaut

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    You're very welcome! The unknown is scary, but it's also freeing. Giving up PMO is taking a trip into the scary unknown, but I will tell you that everyone who has made this trip has discovered a better life on the other side. You're well on your way, and I think you and your wife will be much happier because of this. For now, trust those feelings and experiences you've had with your wife. Fear is a tricky thing to deal with. It tends to tell us its own lies to keep us "safe". Going outside of your comfort zone is the only way you'll grow as a person, however, and is also the only way you will find the real you beneath all of the dirt and grime. It's definitely part of the process, and no doubt you will learn a lot about yourself, your wife, and your life in general during.

    I would recommend therapy (perhaps with a male therapist) to sift through your trust issues with women and any other issues which will inevitably arise as you stop numbing out your feelings with PMO. I wish you luck on your journey!
     
    Marsbar likes this.
  11. Marsbar

    Marsbar Fapstronaut

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    Que sera, sera! And boldly I go forth :)

    Great advice, thanks again..
     
    Strugglesaurus likes this.
  12. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    There was an issue with approving new member requests to the group but that has been fixed now. FYI
     
  13. PornTSD

    PornTSD Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for that info. How will those of us making requests to join be notified when we are approved?
     
  14. Mrs-S

    Mrs-S New Fapstronaut

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    Please accept my request to join. I've recently discovered my SO is an addict. We are recently married but we've been together for a long time. He once told me he "isn't into that stuff anymore", but now I've found out the habit returned not long before the wedding. Our intimacy is gone and our sex life is non existent. I'm very hurt and I feel very alone in this.
     
  15. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    We'd be glad to have all SOs. Unfortunately a while ago there was some kind of update that made it so we admins cannot invite members. So you need to click on groups, then SOS group and follow the steps to join.

    Or click here.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/sos-significant-others-support.18/

    For a while that wasn't working either, but that's been fixed now. The group now also has it's own private forums. It looks just like the main forums at nofap but unless you are a member you can't see it. It says public but we've carefully tested it and no one can see the forums within our group unless they are a group member.

    Let me know if you have trouble joining.
     

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