Some Tips from a Program (Some self control required)

I was in a program for sexually deviant teens. Some things I learned were:

• Fantasies are what can actually make masturbation harmful
  • There are such things as appropriate fantasies
    • Same age or within two years or both over 18
      
    • Same intelligence (maturity? wisdom? You pick.)
    • Consent is in involved and it is AFFIRMATIVE
    • Same sexual knowledge, just about
    • Both have the same expectation about what is going to happen next, as far as sex goes
      
    • Respect (BDSM is fun, but is like walking a tightrope when fantasizing)
      • Objectification is one thing to avoid
    • Trust is a necessity: what you say is what you mean
    • Yes, they can involve aliens. And tentacles...
• Sexual feelings are a natural part of life
  • It's what we do with them that makes them part of a fetish:
    • Pleasure sex
    • Pornography
  • While pornography is always harmful, sexual feelings don't have to be a bad thing
    • It is normal to be sexually attracted to people two years younger or older or simply if you are both over 18, else it can create:
      • A power difference
      • Potential mental harm due to lack of context for someone sufficiently young
    • Masturbation is an acceptable way to handle these, coupled with fantasies
• Masturbation itself
  • Some rules:
    • If it hurts, stop. Just stop.
      
    • Don't spend more time masturbating than you do learning
    • Don't masturbate to deviant thoughts
  • Sexual urges have been known to decrease with:
    • Exercise
    • Mental maturity
    • Hormonal maturity
  • Sexual urges have been known to increase with:
    • Lack of stimulation in general
    • Pornography use
  • Orgasms are powerful
    • Feel pleasurable
    • Whatever you see inside your head when you orgasm you will subsequently associate with pleasure
    • Very addictive
      • I was told the hardest habit to break, by nature
      • Not impossible to control!!!

A power difference is when someone has an unfair advantage over another and either one of them knows it. This can lead to mal-adaptive associations from orgasms.
A deviant thought is any illegal or harmful (sexual) thought, like (self control necessary):

• Bestiality
• Rape
• Self harm
• Harm
• Power difference
• Exposure
• Etc

The goal here is that we are okay with ourselves and have confidence in that we are doing the best we can to handle our sexual feelings. I used to feel guilty about masturbating until I realized I only felt guilty about the fantasies. Now I could definitely masturbate without fantasies, but that doesn't answer to my sexual feelings. So I fantasize about things and people I like. I learned to associate good, loving, positive feelings with sex, and now some of my fantasies don't even actually involve sex proper (though they usually do). For example, because I love some lady-man very much, I may want to kiss them very much, and my fantasy may only involve that. It is totally up to you how you fantasize, just make sure it isn't at all deviant.

That's all for people who simply want to lessen their masturbation and feel better about it in general.
Like this all implies, masturbation is not evil- it's what we do with our fantasies and thoughts that make it not fun for us.

Also,
Let's try to remind ourselves that we are in control. No more "Has triggers" or "Trigger warning." If you treat it like it's out of your hands, then it'll just end up back in your hands!! Instead, try saying/reading "self control required," with the level required, because that is what we really mean, anyway. We mean to challenge ourselves. Remember that.

And if you want tips on self control, let yourself fall in love, but, don't act on it just because you want to feel good. Spend more time by yourself without a phone or a computer. Take walks and PLEASE GOD PLEASE just THINK. Talk to people and listen. Read a book you like. Meditate. Learn Buddhist perspectives and get over yourself. Watch a movie and accept all the characters. That's really all self control is. Self discipline is another story and something I suck at. But if I were a computer, self control would be taking the time to do things like what I said above to learn how all parts of my hardware work. Understanding how my mind and body work is the foundation of self control, literally.

Happy new year!

Edit: I have felt a change in myself, as far as sexual behavior goes, for over a year now. I think it's a good change.

Another edit: Empathy or a lack of it is what makes us feel guilty when we masturbate. I know this because for the longest time I masturbated to fantasies where I was in control. I didn't like this, but I realized that it was somewhat unavoidable because fantasies by definition are ALWAYS in our control, hence why they are OUR fantasies. This lead to me feeling like crap and not understanding why. However, when I added in empathy, now my fantasies feel more enjoyable, even if particularly raunchy. I also don't feel guilty like I used to. I think it closely ties in with love. I used to think, if I love and respect this woman, how can I fantasize about them? I like doing that, and she likes that I do it, so how can it be wrong? I found that the answer is it's not wrong, just the way I was doing it. I then changed my fantasies to ones more empathetic:

I choose to feel a connection to this person. I think loving thoughts for them and allow those to arouse me. Sometimes, I don't even fantasize about sexual things but more sensual things, like simply being happy. Eventually I was able to be aroused by thoughts of simply being with someone, and connecting those feelings of love with those feelings of desiring pleasure managed to push me over altogether. I believe it is this combination that leads to healthy fantasies and therefore healthy masturbation. The combination that is life.

 

Thanks man. If you have any questions for me, I'll try my best to answer them. I learned all of that from a pathways book, plus a little wisdom on my part. I'm glad you like it and understand it.
HNY!

 

Thank you sir. I hope it helps you on your way.

 

I've learned a little bit more since I wrote this. More questions than answers, however. Maybe I'll get around to creating a new thread that raises some of those questions. Whateva. If anyone has any questions of their own, I am willing to hear them, and I can consolidate them into a thread if y'all support that.

Change is progression.