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Socializing = top priority

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Enki, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    I've realized that socializing has had no priority in my life whatsoever. It's something I don't really value that much, at least until now. I've always preferred to work or get other things done first rather than socialize. I've neglected that part of my life.

    I woke up this morning at 3am with a pain I had long forgotten. My chest felt hollow and painful - the same chronic pain I felt years ago when I was deep into PMO... and the same pain that eventually made me want to quit.

    It's the pain of being painfully aware of my perceived social inadequacy.

    Instead of going deep into how my emotions affected me, held me back, hurt me etc. and blah blah blah sob story, I take this as a positive sign. A sign that I have to take ACTION now. This is a nudge in the right direction, the reason I worked so hard before, and the greatest challenge I face. Now is the time to start taking on this challenge incrementally.

    After looking around on my other threads about socializing, it's easy to go with the grain and believe that PMO is the root cause of all of it; a lot of people seem to think so. The way I see it, it's only the surface-level cause. There are deeper issues beneath the surface - shame, childhood neglect, old pains - that must be addressed as well. I think overcoming nofap is a great vehicle to overcoming that, but it's not EVERYTHING. ("Which reminds me that one of the reasons why I'm hesitant to socialize is because I feel like I'll lose my own sense of identity. I'll start to believe what everyone else says, instead of remembering "I'm me. I have my own opinions and I'm strong enough to trust them." This comes with building a solid core." It's a paradox)

    I'm considering... I will most likely start a socializing/ self-improvement journal here to tackle each of these problems one-by-one. It's time to enter the next stage of my life.

    Things I want to work on:
    • Keeping my sense of identity in the midst of separate opinions
    • Find and build relationships with people I truly care about
    • Get better at storytelling and humor (with the end goal of being a great entertainer for my friends
      - measured by how often I can effectively shift their attention and keep them engaged in conversation.
      I can measure THAT by reading their body language)
    • To consistently add value to people I care about (have a system)
    • To have a system that lets me know which people to filter out of my life and who to keep in.
    • To practice switching between serious conversation and playful banter/ jokes.
    • To make socializing a DAILY THING - even if it's just a 5 minute conversation a day.


    Honestly, everything else I did was secondary to facing THIS challenge. Socializing is a monstrous beast for me. My Nofap journey has stripped layer after layer of insecurities and walls around me to help me get to the core issue - learning to express myself, put myself through the fire and get through this.

    Links to other post

    1. Out of touch
    2. The line between socializing and wasting time
    I will clean this up later. For now, finish what you started.
    • Note to self: Go back to 1.4, 2.6, and 2.8 later and reply.
     
  2. NoneForMeThanks

    NoneForMeThanks Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like your body is trying to communicate to you what it needs. I believe it is great that you are in tune with what your body is telling you. You owe it to yourself to pursue and fulfill this desire. Just remember baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day. It is cliche, but fitting...

    Set goals for yourself. This will be crucially important.

    Garrett
     
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  3. Pepper M.

    Pepper M. Fapstronaut

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    Learning to listen to your body is not easy, but it tells us everything it needs to be healthy. This reminds me of the kind of stomach sinking feeling I get when it's been too long since I've given the family a call! Good luck on your goals, it sounds like you have a clear vision.
     
  4. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    I do. The only things I need now are: the discipline to bridge the gap between reality and my goals, the map to chart out that bridge, and the preparation, connections, and training to serve as the vehicle to get me there.

    I'm getting to work - on making socializing a regular part of my life, that is.
     
  5. señor

    señor Guest

    I always say that socializing is like showering: if you don't do it often, you're gonna stink. humans are naturally social but at the end of the day it's basically a skill. I remember when I moved away with no car, I didn't see my friends or socialize for 6 whole months. when I finally reunited with them I was just off socially speaking -- I actually ended up leaving early. the fact that you accept the idea of improvement is really the most important step. after a while it gets pretty effortless and then becomes truly fulfilling
     
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  6. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 26/27 of nofap journey.

    I don't yet have all the details hashed out for where I'm going to post etc. But I want to at least get started. Getting into the social world has opened up A LOT of opportunities for me and I won't have time to reflect unless i make it a priority.

    What happened today
    1. Talked with a lot of people-
    2. Tried to "practice" social skills for an hour, ended up wasting time for 3-4. - Ended up on social media just reading through, commenting, getting likes.
    Successes

    What I learned

    1. There is so much out there! - I realized that all this time that I've spent trying to "perfect" my systems only a VERY small part of my life. Sure they helped, but I probably only needed to do 85% of the work, and move on with my life. I probably did not need all of it. My life is much grander than that.
    2. The importance of BOUNDARIES, my personal weakness - I can end up spending 4 hours if I don't clearly tell myself "I will do this, for this time, and I will stop no matter what at x time." I planned to spend only 1 hour on it, but it took up to 4. Getting social gets addicting - but after a point, I feel I "waste time" because I spent so much time on it that I forget that I have other goals to reach.
    3. The importance of COMING IN WITH A GOAL - If I don't come into a situation with a clear goal (or I just don't make one during that time) I end up wastinga lot of time.
    4. I can't do everything - I have to prioritize, or else I will spend time chasing everything, and ultimately get nothing of value done. If I let myself just "socialize" I will end up getting sucked into and swayed every which way. That can include going with lower quality people just because that's where "socializing" took me.
    5. It is vitally important to lead my own life - Seriously. I need to come in with a goal already, and keep that focus always in mind. Stop when you tell yourself you would, even if you're not sure if it's worth it or not. There is a subconscious reason why thiis happens.
    6. The importance of time- Seeing how much I could do and how I socialize with other people really makes me value my time MUCH more. "Do I really want to spend my time with people who aren't so driven? With people who will bring me down and help me waste time rather than push me forward and focus me on my goals?" No. OF course not.
    7. (continued from above) That's why I started the social cut off in the first place. I was in the process of cleaning up my social circle. I wanted to find new friends, and learn how to get close to them. It's like how a recovering alcoholic no longer wants to spend time with his former alcoholic friends - he found something new to do with his life - something better. It's the same thing for nofap, but I feel like I couldn't really talk about this with other people before. It was kind of difficult to tell people about it.

    Anyway... Time's up. I have to... no I WILL respect my time. It may not be a "perfect" post, but time is my current priority.

    See you on the other side guys.
     
  7. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 28 NF
    Day 2 social work

    Soon, I will make this social immersion work.
    I will only come back to this sub once a day for a few mins, for reflection and improvement, and feedback.

    Successes, what I learned, mindset shifts
    • Someone asked today if I wanked - I'm proud to say I don't, with a smile! He started talking about needing that energy to do other things, and I agreed
    • Respect for time - I realized that the biggest thing I need to work on is keeping on track with my schedule. If I don't set a specific time that I have to go, then stick with it, I will end up stayign for MUCH longer. This is one reason why I want the social skill to gracefully leave a conversation.
    • Goal: Get rejected - I was in a group conversation today and some guy talked about getting rejected. Someone else said "Yeah, it's part of life and it hurts like shit. You just gotta learn to deal with it and keep moving." SHE WAS FUCKING RIGHT. I realized I haven't really gotten rejected much, and I need to. Lean into the discomfort.
    • Boundaries, goals (end in mind),
    • Social skills practice, social blueprint - who do I want in my life. What social skills do I most want to improve on right now? These are teh most crucial questions.
    • Goal 2: Go for exposure & practice, not focus on performance.

    Time is up right now. It's not perfect, I'm going to fail a shit ton of times, and it's going to hurt. But this is worth it, I want it, and I'm going to systematically concentrate and build habits in order to get to my end goal. Let this thread be the record of my journey to social mastery and expertise.
     
  8. PostiveChange1974

    PostiveChange1974 Fapstronaut

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    So I have suggestions..... I went through a social awakening 2 years ago, and went from no friends to a lot. Of course, I was dragged into it kicking and screaming, but that is another story.

    There was an article on having meaningful conversations:
    Rule number 1. Find a social activity that you interested in, and engage in participating. The idea is that when you don't have to invent conversations, be charming, put on any airs, and can focus on participating in something that you have interest while people around you are doing the same, that familiarity, comfort, and eventually conversation come way easier.

    I joined a group on 'meetup.com'. It's a website where interest groups announce events, and anyone can RSVP and show up. My particular group was for board games. I found it easy and fun, to meet, and play the game while getting a sense of the people, and then being able to engage them in conversation about other topics. (There are all kinds of interests groups. Walking, playing basketball, movies....and if they don't have one, you can make one for your shared interest.)

    The more I did this, the more my social anxiety faded. I now run the group and it has over 400 members. I actually host a monthly event, and I never know who will show up. I've had almost nothing bad to report from it, and it's given me more confidence and trust in people in general. The more I'm around them, the more I feel I can engage new people freely.

    It does take a little bit of faith to go to the first meeting, and not everyone of the groups will you feel absolutely interested in. But overall, I've found people that in engage in these kind of social groups fun, interesting, warm, and inviting. If you didn't get that vibe, then try a different one until one does click.

    One of the things that I did eventually learn. You don't have to force friendship. It either comes or doesn't. When it doesn't, you didn't fail. Just trust that it wasn't meant to be. I encourage you to try with people, with manners, and engage them. But from there, it should just be, or not. Getting comfortable with that, was a big deal for me, and a major step in my road to being well adjusted. Sometimes, you just have to experience that to truly know.
     
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  9. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 29 NF
    Day 3 Socializing

    Goals:

    1. Get Rejected - Not REALLY, yet yes really. My goal is to instill a certain mindset. "Rejection always happens. Lean into it and let it happen despite the pain. It's a small price to pay for all the benefits." Also, "Be willing to make an impression" and Make it positive- people associate whatever they're feeling at that moment with you, whether you are the cause of it or not.
    2. Go for exposure and practice - JUST GET OUT THERE, BE SEEN. BE WILLING TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION AND MAKE IT POSITIVE!
    3. Long-term - get people's EMOTIONAL investment in me, rather than just their presence. There's a world of difference between the two. I've learned that from experience.
    What I'm working on
    1. My social system- who do I want to reach out and talk to? How can I set up a system to consistently add value to them? How do I make sure I follow up. Lots of time is needed on google calendar and microsoft word.
    2. Social Skills - mostly humor through exaggeration, playing a role, and "agree and amplify." Also conversation flow by taking off the filter.
    How I'm going about it
    1. JUST WINGING IT - for now. I'm using any spare spare moments (most spare moments are spent on something else, but spare spare...) to improve my extra social skills and make tweaks to my system of talking to people
    Successes and Discoveries
    1. Yes, I'm finally socializing again - It's pretty fun! I still have friends I can talk to. I'm surprised that my reclusion hasn't pushed these people ALL THE WAY away yet. Confused asf. but I'm having fund and getting exposure
    Practice que (things I want to work on)
    1. Stories - how to effectively tell them and keep their attention.
    Time's up. Will update when I can, but I will prioritize time over everything else.
     
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  10. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice man! I'll reengage with the clubs I lost contact with and start talking to them more. I loved the subjects we got together for. "Life" just got in the way. Now I'll come back to them. thanks for the reminder that the social anxiety WILL go away. My social skills are not the most polished right now, but I've only just begun, I'll get there soon.
     
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  11. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 30 NF
    Day 4 Socializing

    Goals

    Steps I took today

    Successes and discoveries -
    Please note that these are only interpretations. I know they are not perfect or maybe not even right, but this is the way I see it as I am now.

    Practice Que -
    List of skills I want to work on, but are not my current focus.

    "Stop doing" list
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2017
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  12. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 30 NF
    Day 4 Socializing

    I will simplify this template soon. But for now, I'll work with this.

    Goals - same as before (read: Skip if you've seen my old post)
    1. Get Rejected - Not REALLY, yet yes really. My goal is to instill a certain mindset. "Rejection always happens. Lean into it and let it happen despite the pain. It's a small price to pay for all the benefits." Also, "Be willing to make an impression" and Make it positive- people associate whatever they're feeling at that moment with you, whether you are the cause of it or not.
    2. Go for exposure and practice - JUST GET OUT THERE, BE SEEN. BE WILLING TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION AND MAKE IT POSITIVE!
    3. Long-term - get people's EMOTIONAL investment in me, rather than just their presence. There's a world of difference between the two. I've learned that from experience.
    Successes and discoveries
    1. Guy dynamic when a girl is around - Whenever there's a girl involved, guys always naturally focus their attention on blocking me out. I'm always going for being inclusive of the guy while making the girl laugh, but it seems like they just want to phase me out. This annoys the FUCK out of me. It's happened a lot before and I hate it. I'm learning that I just need to deal with it. Tips wanted
    2. Connection list - I'm putting together a general list of the types of people I want in my life, and the types of people I don't want to keep in my life. I feel like this was a barrier for me since before.
    Practice Que
    1. Being funny - exaggeration, playing a role, just keeping a lighthearted banter
    2. Stories-
    3. Keeping the conversation going.
    "Stop doing" list.
    1. Spending more time than you initially intended on socializing. Cool down when the time is up and start saying goodbye to people. You should be out of there within the next 10-15 mins depending on how big the event it
     
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  13. Burner1

    Burner1 Fapstronaut

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    You're doing great! Keep moving forward and Congrats again on Day 30!
     
  14. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 31 NF
    Day 5 Socializing

    Successes and discoveries
    - Please note that these are only interpretations. I know they are not perfect or maybe not even right, but this is the way I see it as I am now.
    1. I have an aversion to emotion - got into a conversation with someone about an old crush. Changed the topic and away from me several times, especially when they brought up that I might still have feelings for her. It's probably something more like aversion to "attachment" but at this point I don't know yet.
    2. I'm okay with surface level things - making jokes, talking to people and making people laugh, but when they start trying to get to know me, I'm repulsed - what the heck is this? Shame? Trust Issues? Maybe fear of commitment? I don't know. But for some reason, once someone started wanting to see me, even as just a friend, I immediately didn't want to be around them as much. I liked it when I was just talking to them on a surface level, making them laugh, etc. Once I felt like I would have to invest more time with them, I felt so averse to it. Maybe I've been prioritizing work and "progress" too much, without leaving space for relationships... of any kind (including friendships.
    3. Maybe I'm not socially-averse... I'm only repulsed by the emotions that socializing stirs up in me. - Maybe also in the way it could "derail my progress."

    Goals
    1. The Above goals - conversation, humor, stories, of course. These are skills I will practice.
    2. Emotional mastery - I want to learn how to make my emotions work FOR me, NOT AGAINST ME. There is a clue in Think and Grow Rich for harnessing the "7 positive emotions" and making them a habit. They can only be mastered through USE. But I also want to learn how to use NEGATIVE emotions as well.
    "Stop doing" list
    1. Focusing on the past and "what could be" - focus on "what could be" only when you follow it up with focusing on the now, then taking definite steps to bridge the gap. That means: your old crush that's still texting you? Stop thinking about her. You know you don't want to take steps in that direction. It's old news. Sit with the pain now, and convert it to something more meaningful.
    My Comments/ questions
    1. Do I learn how to master negative emotions by sitting with them or should I just learn how to convert them into positive emotional energy each time?
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2017
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  15. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 31 NF - I must have miscounted somewhere. TODAY is actually day 31.
    Day 6 Socializing

    Goals
    • Same as yesterday
    Steps I took today
    • Wow. Actually, I just talked to people and put myself out there. It doesn't seem like much since I didn't CONSCIOUSLY think about what parts of conversation/ humor/ stories I wanted to improve on. I just tried a bunch of stuff and see which one worked. Let's run with that strategy for a while... until it doesn't work anymore and I want to get more focused on exactly what to improve.
    Successes and discoveries - Please note that these are only interpretations. I know they are not perfect or maybe not even right, but this is the way I see it as I am now.
    • Boundaries are the most important - Part of why I cut off from people before (and i see it now) is because I didn't really know how to set and stay by solid boundaries, and when it was okay to let those boundaries a bit loose. I wanted to get stuff done, but I was around the wrong people to motivate me to do that. Now I have more freedom to choose who to be around AND how to engage with them.
    • They will keep going - I'm finding that a people are a lot more tolerant of others mistakes - they'll still want to stay with you. The biggest relationship killer is not talking to them or starting anything at all. My perfectionistic streak has gotten the better of me.
    Practice Que - List of skills I want to work on, but are not my current focus.
    • Reading and calling out body language.
    • Projecting my own open body language.
    • Social experiments... Doing quick, effective, organized, and relentless tests - IN other words, I am able to make up a test, quickly test it and stop when I get the feedback. Then do AS MANY OF THESE SOCIAL TESTS AS YOU CAN, no matter how out of whack it seems. But of course, build up to it. Don't go super risky right away.
    "Stop doing" list
    • Overthinking this... Play it smart, but you know, keep it cool.
     
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  16. Burner1

    Burner1 Fapstronaut

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    Keep going - 1 month down and the sky's the limit!
     
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  17. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 32
    Day 7 Socializing

    END Goals

    1. To create a rich, exciting, and FUN life full of adventure and life! Something that makes me feel ALIVE. (Socializing and starting random conversations and activities with strangers is one of the most fun ways to do this)
    2. To start a company and exude excellence in all I do. (Socializing gives me practice for when I need to start taking ventures and risks. Lets do this!)
    3. To be able to fully FINANCIALLY support myself - something I want to do before MAY if I can - with a rented place to stay, no matter where (at the moment) - (this means I will have to learn to make connections with other people to find better deals and potential roommates to share the house and the rent)
    4. To create a lifestyle that supports and PUSHES these first two goals, while still keeping the rest of my life intact,

    I have a purpose.

    Discoveries.

    1. I just have to do it. There is power in NOW.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2017
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  18. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 34
    Day 9 Social

    Things I've learned and discovered

    1. I work better with a goal - I was able to brush away a lot of fear and self-consciousness by thinking of an interaction as practice for finding and being with a partner, and likewise for finding good lifelong friends. Also, my anxiety naturally goes away when it's business-related; this is probably because I ALWAYS have a goal when I'm working on business.
    2. I LIGHT UP when talking when I'm talking about business or some sort of self-improvement in general.
    3. Whenever I frame an interaction as "business related," I have no sense of insecurity, and in fact I am AWESOME at talking to people. It's like I'm putting on a mask that is not real.
    4. I am actually still fearful of showing myself, despite knowing how to be awesome at social skills (and proving it many times in my past)
    5. I can still be my "true self" and show some vulnerability, but man... I'm really scared to show ALL of my true self.
    Goals
    1. I socialize because I want to and keep the (right) best friends, finding a great partner, succeed in business, gain AUTHENTIC confidence in handling myself in any social situation (because I've done it over, and over, and over again. I've hit the ground, it's not so bad, and I know how to handle myself and get back up again.) with mastery. It is a crucial skill to learn in every one of my major endeavors.
     
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  19. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 35 No P
    Day 10 Social

    Things I've learned and discovered.

    1. It is REALLY FUN to go out socializing. I'm not even doing anything that most people consider "fun" yet. I'm just going out and talking to people. Not actively starting every conversation yet, but I'm getting to that point soon. It's all slowly coming back to me - the mindsets, the passions, the energy and synergy - all of it is coming back and it's FUN.
    2. I actually already know how to keep conversation flowing, what I want to learn is how to get people to keep investing in the conversation emotionally.
    3. I want to learn how to switch to humor when I want to, rather than just stay on a topic and keep it serious the whole time - this will take COURAGE to go out on a limb and risk jokes. For some reason I think that "taking risks" means risking the relationship. Sometimes yes, but not always. But honestly, YES. Be willing to risk your relationships, you'll never learn if you don't risk. "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I'm still getting to know myself as well.

    Goals.

    Why do I do this

    1. Business - I will need to have a firm handle on social dynamics and the hidden rules that go on behind the scenes as well as how to navigate them well if I want to truly succeed in business (the way i want to succeed).
    2. Friends (in general) - To gain lifelong friends. To learn how to actually effectively share myself and my emotions with them. Both good and bad, and not to hide myself as I have been for so long.
    3. "The ONE" - Just to understand girls in general and gain a deeper understanding of communicating with them. But also to practice socializing for when I find a special girl.
     
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  20. Enki

    Enki Fapstronaut

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    Day 36 No P
    Day 4 Hardmode
    Day 11 Social

    Discoveries, Experiences, what I learned, feedback.

    1. It works! My strategy works! I'm loosening up now, and instead of thinking "I have to do this now, I have to be here now," I think "I can choose to be there now. I lead my life. I trust in myself to do things.
    2. I had to do some uncomfortable things today - I'm picking up a new hobby that includes practicing in public places, which I'm not really a fan of. I don't like people watching me practice in public, but I did it anyway, and you know what? It's not bad! It actually gave me more confidence to just go out and express myself no matter what other people think. I'M IMPROVING MYSELF FOR MY SAKE AND THAT'S WHAT MATTERS, not other people's opinions. I'm not disrespecting anyone or trespassing, so I don't see why not.
    3. I'm pushing away thoughts of past regrets.
    4. I LOVE HOW I CAN TURN OFF MY MIND AND FALL BACK ON MY GOOD HABITS NOW. I JUST DO IT. This is no doubt thanks to the discipline I built up while on nofap and the systems/ habits I built in this past month.
    5. People are awesome.
    6. Sure, I can face a lot of hidden criticism, but that's what happens when you make an impact and do things to promote your life - you put yourself out there, try, fail, get criticism and ALL OF THESE HARDEN YOU. And in the end... you win.
    7. People I've lost touch with still welcome me... what? I don't understand... Why do I feel like they shouldn't be. There's still a lot I don't know, but I'm opening up my world.
    Why I do this
    1. Business - I will need to have a firm handle on social dynamics and the hidden rules that go on behind the scenes as well as how to navigate them well if I want to truly succeed in business (the way i want to succeed).
    2. Friends (in general) - To gain lifelong friends. To learn how to actually effectively share myself and my emotions with them. Both good and bad, and not to hide myself as I have been for so long.
    3. "The ONE" - Just to understand girls in general and gain a deeper understanding of communicating with them. But also to practice socializing for when I find a special girl.

     
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