So what am I doing?

I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I'm in a group chat with him on Discord as well and he hasn't been there. I'm very worried, but I hope he's okay.

 

I'm still checking here everyday. Let's hope he gonna report here in the following days.

 

@pira3 I heard from him last night! He checked in. He got grounded, haha. But I was just glad to hear he was okay.

 

Ah this is bringing back memories. Your posts are so much like my story, like how I was when I was your age (I'm 25 now btw). I know this thread is about your problems but sometimes it helps to look at someone else's story to get enlightened about your own. This post will not be short but hopefully it will shed some light in your story. One difference is I do believe in God and I won't filter that out of my story because I believe it is the crucial part of it - but you should still be able to relate to the story.

Early years (before 5th grade):
Blissful ignorance. Good family. Great life. Confident & lots of friends. Life is full of Joy

Dark ages (5th grade through junior year of high school):
My best friends all seem to move away. I start to struggle with commitment in relationships and distance myself. I also get introduced to porn around this time which furthers the isolation. I try to fix that pain with another addiction to video games. Because of these circumstances & choices I miss out on growing up socially at the same rate as my peers. Bullies pick up on this and between the bullying, and my addictions my self-esteem drops through the floor. My depression and anxiety enter in its place. Thoughts enter my head all the time that I'm worthless, I hate myself, why would anyone want me, why is life worth it, it's all meaningless because we die in the end. Everyone else seems happy but my life sucks. They are all fake, no one can understand my pain. And on and on it goes. I keep praying and praying to God to take away my pain but he does not. I remember I confessed about my addictions to my Dad but he berated me. I was at my most vulnerable moment and instead of being encouraged I was scolded. This bottled me up. Instead of stopping my destructive behavior, I led a double life. I kept my pain hidden. I hated God and wanted nothing to do with him. How could a loving God allow so much suffering. If he was so magnificent how could he create something so pathetic, so despised. As the time went on things just got worse. My anxiety and depression devolved further into an extreme form of social anxiety and shame, suicidal thoughts, the whole 9(trillion) yards. I couldn't go to parties, school events, etc. I had a hard time performing certain sports in front of others. Don't even get me started on giving speech's. In the midst there was some hope. Even though I hated God. Even though I bottled up and closed myself off from my Dad and didn't trust telling him anymore of my problems, God used my Dad to lead me back to Him. I was sitting in church one day (I went to church with my parents regularly just to hide from them my pain. I hated God and wanted nothing to do with him) and the Pastor starts preaching about the parable of the prodigal son. I don't know how familiar you are with the story so I'll paraphrase it here:

A father has two sons. One of them wants to receive his father's inheritance now instead of waiting to inherit it when his father dies and the Dad agrees. The son moves out, wastes the inheritance on meaningless things and soon finds himself jealous of the food that the pigs he is hired to take care of are eating (it gets that bad). So the son thinks I'll return to the father offering myself as a slave because even his father's slaves are living a better live than he is. So the son journeys back home but before he makes it back, his father sees him from afar and is overwhelmed with Joy and compassion, ran towards his son and kissed him. Then his father told his servants to kill the fatten calf in preparation for a great feast and welcomed his son home.

I was crying at this point because I totally related to that prodigal son. My life was in ruins and I needed change. But I wasn't just crying because of that. I felt something I hadn't felt until up at that time. It felt like someone has behind me holding me (even though I looked back and there was nothing but my seat). I felt a strong and powerful but gentle presence. The pastor made a call for anyone who was like the prodigal son and had run away from their heavenly father to come up to the altar to confess, and reconnect with God. That presence spoke to me and said 'That is for you, I want you to go up to the altar and be with me again as I've always been with you'. Now you'd think I just heard from God so I should obey and go up right? Wrong - my deep hate for God came out so that I wouldn't go up no matter how much God wanted to me. Now God isn't going to force you to do something you aren't ready or willing to do but he does know how to get to your heart. He told my Dad to tell me that God wanted me to go up to the altar. The same Dad who knew nothing of what I was going through - whom I had closed myself off from because of my earlier experiences. My Dad could have had plenty of opportunities to talk to me or reach out to me beforehand but he didn't. But God knew my pain and hurt from that experience as well as all the other garbage I had done and was going through plus my deep hatred for him and he still wanted me. And he brought me back to him through my Dad of all people. Anyways I went up to the altar and cried my eyes out confessing my sins to God and all my pain. It was amazing. From that day on-wards I have had a strong relationship with God. He knew about my pain, about all of it and he wanted me. He loved me.

So God took away my addictions, my social problems, my pain, and I was a perfect little christian from that day forward and lived happily ever after, right? Wrong again. But I'm glad you read this far. It does get better (but not in the way you might think so keep reading).

Confusion (Senior year of high school through Junior year of College):
My relationship with God grew better, my life was no longer filled with hate, but my addictions were still there, my social anxiety got worse, and paranoia filled the void in. Just like you I had hoped to change before college but it didn't happen. Surprisingly I still made it through but I know it wasn't all on my own strength. The isolation I felt in high school paled in comparison to what I felt in college. Girls were into me (I don't know what they saw in me tbh looking back because of the state I was in) but my self-esteem and paranoia were so bad I didn't give them or myself the chance. There was one girl who held out for me more than a year (whom I also had a crush on) but I ended up breaking both of our hearts because of my state which of course made things worse. Thankfully she forgave me and was able to move on although it took me longer than it did her. I don't regret not getting into a serious relationship with her but I do regret hurting her because of the state I was in. I also avoided everything social that I could but faked some of it so the other guys wouldn't be too concerned (hard to hide at a small college). I still had trouble opening up about my problems. During this time, God was a solace. I didn't hate him like before. But I did question his methods. Why still the pain and addictions, why still the struggles? I was impatient with him. I wanted to quit school often but everytime I was serious God answered 'I have you right were I want you' in his own ways of course. TBH it was him that kept me. Now to be fair college wasn't all bad. There were several highlights and friendships that formed. I got the opportunity to go overseas three different times and had awesome internships that led me to my successful career today but the bad times clouded the good ones for me.

Truth (senior year of college and beyond):
My circumstances did not change, nor my problems and pain, but I began to change, I started to realize and trust the work that God was doing in my life. My senior year was busy - classes were lighter than ever but I was working ~30 a week doing my internships and still maintaining my schoolwork. Because of my internships I had to commute back and forth to home and eventually had to just move back home the second semester because I was never at the college apartment. But I also had more alone time in the evenings. Time to reflect and learn. In me grew a sense of peace about my problems. I didn't understand why God had allowed them still but I trusted that he had purpose. I looked forward to that purpose being fulfilled. I also realized how the troubles I had in High School seemed far away. The pain from those times seemed less significant than it had "in the moment". I realized that pain and emotions aren't the truth. They come and go. So do the anxieties. They feel very true at the time but looking back I know they weren't. Instead of the pain I realized how much I had changed because of that process, how God used my pain and my troubles, my isolation to grow me and build my character. The pain didn't last but the positive impact did. What Satan sought to destroy me with God used to build me up. And also to protect me. I've often thought if I wasn't hadn't gone through all that then where would I be today. I'll tell you. I'd be an arrogant prick who'd ruined my own life and the lives of all those I come in contact with. I wouldn't be able to relate to anyone in pain. I wouldn't be sharing my story on nofap or in person to help others. My life would suck and would be a waste (funny how I thought it was while God was building me up). I pray that God does not take away your pain but instead little by little he builds you up, protects you, and puts you in a position to choose to walk away from it. Just like now I am so confident he has freed me from PMO. He has blessed me with the right character, the right tools, and the right time so that I can choose to be free from my addiction by grace and faith. I wouldn't have been ready or able to do it before without it causing more harm in other areas of my life. So God is freeing me from my addiction finally but he's built me up to were I can choose freedom rather than him magically making it disappear. He's also given me purpose, joy, and interest in life. Though I'm still single (and not looking for a serious relationship yet while I'm recovering from my addiction), I'm connected to family, friends, and my church. I am overwhelmed with Joy and Life. I am also actively seeking others who have gone through similar struggles as me and sharing the hope and love I have within. I've given up my entire live to follow him and show others the way through my actions. Brother just like God has built me up and called me out for a unique purpose through the pain and suffering he has a purpose for you too. Just like me he will not change you in an instance but will build you into whom he meant for you to be. I appreciate your realization and honesty that you are sick and am telling you that Jesus knows your pain. He hung out with sinners and outcasts while on earth. He was tempted and tormented constantly. He was rejected by the likes of you and me but he still died for us that we might live. Satan, once again, thought he causing great harm by killing Jesus but God had other plans. He used the death of his son to fulfill the law that says sin must be punished by death. God wouldn't stoop down to our level and tolerate sin (there will be no sin or pain in his kingdom when it comes). Instead he brought us up to his level of perfection by fulfilling the law for us. We deserved to die but Jesus did instead so that we could live. And God proved this life to us by raising Jesus from the dead in front of hundreds of different witnesses who passed his story on (Jews, Romans, Saints, Heathens, Gentiles alike. Even those that hated him and persecuted his followers he transformed and used to spread the good news). He died for you - there is no need for you to die - he did it for you. If you have questions (or objections) to this or just want to ignore me you are perfectly free and able to do so (the latter regrettably).

I would not want to change any of the work he has done in my past. Instead if I could go back I would tell myself to rejoice in the work God was doing in me. To ignore the lies being planted in my mind that God doesn't care (or exist), that I'm not worth it, that life is meaningless and realize where those thoughts are actually coming from. Think about it - if you have a thought and realize you don't agree with it then that thought didn't come from you, it was planted by something else. Even while you are reading this Satan is putting doubts in your mind. Satan I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. You have no hold on 'Happy Thoughts'. He is not yours, it is not the time for him to die.

Be encouraged. Seek out the truth to your situation. Seek God - do this now, and believe. Go to a church that welcomes you right off the bat and get connected. Observe, and then be transformed. Pass on your new found love and hope to others who are suffering. Let me or others know if you have any questions, we are here for you.

Thank you God for our loneliness for a time so that we can learn to speak truth and love to others.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. - 2 Timothy 1:7
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. - 1 John 3:16

16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. - John 3:16-21

-Josh

 

@CowardlyLion That's really good to know. Hope he'll come back here to talk to us again when he feel good enogh to do that.

 

I was in a very similar situation to you when I was in middle school @Happy_thoughts, bottom of the totem pole, shitkicked on the reg. Girls? Good luck with that.

I basically became the class clown. Didn't get me laid, but the beatings calmed right the hell down.
Later on in my 20s I started on learning social skills for real... made quite the difference to my love life.

Point here is that life got a lot better when I adopted a goal and took concrete steps to move towards it.

 

Any news @Happy thoughts?
What are you doing ultimately to stay better?