So what am I doing?

High School doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things. "Popularity" doesn't mean shit if you're an asshole. Focus on you and your dreams and aspirations.

 

Dude you're so young it's hard to reply. Just know you are worthy.

 

If you had suicidal thoughts, that's not a drama. This kind of feeling is something to be openly discussed, specially if you have someone prepared for that (the councilor in this case).

And plus: If your friend said that to you, he/she is a real friend, who cares for you. This is a great think nowadays. And the number of real real friends must be really small. From people who know my life and I know I can count on, maybe 1 or 2. For me it's great.

 

Happy thoughts, In my path across school and highschool I aways had this struggles that you have. It get a very critical status around my 18~20 years old, when I basically just work-home-home-work like a zombie and lost any sight of life.
When I got to college, I decided to fight against this so I got to a doctor and started therapy. This had pros and cons in my life. What I can say to you is: I'm still have struggles. Fight against is not garantee of hapiness, but is garantee of some XP and drops of confidence, even if isn't THAT confidence. Is exausting, it is, and I've learn more about me. Introspection is a kind of personality, and this makes part of me. The challenge here is understanding where is part you, and where is s social disease. Here, some special guidance could help you: the councilor, a therapist and mainly, your parents.

I'm still have problems, PMO relapses, feel like shit, that's why i'm here. I think life is an eternal journey fighting and trying stuff, getting tired and resting. We tend to have an illusion that the other's life are better, more fun. Sometimes is, but the ugly and bad part is kind of invisible to us. Comparing is a huge problem that I suffer everyday, but we need to fight against it because is illusional.

Hope it gives you some light. When facing this difficulties, we need to learn how to create hope to not give up, and how to destroy expectations to not suffer.

 

I feel I should say positive things to you, but I need to be fair and realistic to you and myself.

Well, I think just like you. I don't believe in god or anything like that, indeed everyone dies at the end, all that's build will fall apart and this is an ethernal fight. That's perfect true for me.
What make me get up the bed are some goals I found interesting to try and found out. Like create my art, visit some places in the world, play some nice games and at this moment of my life, interact with my low-count friends. Life is so unpredictable sometimes that, even from this sea of shit, curious things can (or not) come to surface. I like RNG games, and life is kind of one.

The thing is, sometimes, while we try to reach something, other things pop out in this road, and other things fall apart. The RNG factor I said. But the more we try, upgrade our social intelligence and maturity, this RNG factor tends to be a little bit under our control. You are young (I'm too, but you're more than me) and life looks like a wild beast out of control. This is normal.

But indeed, times to times I feel helpless, desmotivated. Even today, some hours ago, I got my bike, run far away from my home and sit down in the street, thinking about my PMO problems, virginity, future, sharing problems with who and how, for hours until became night. Tomorrow I can maybe wake up a little better, make my swimming class, liberate some dopamine, get a little bit better... etc etc. For me, life hasn't a big purpose and human beings are not the center of universe. When we believe in this lies and all fall apart, we feel lost and despaired. Not for me anymore. When I started to think about life this way, I feel a little better in this think of "life has to be good, if isn't, whats the meaning of this crap".

I don't know if I'm killing the rest of energy you have. I hope not, the correct reading of this should bring to you the opposite. Talk and expose more of this, don't hold this in your heart. We always can keep sharing thoughts about.

 

Searching help is something that demands energy and time too. I tried some ways, all of them has it's pros and cons. But each of them give me interesting discoveries and histories to share, even the worst ones.
The point here is, with the "searching help" for example: try... observe what is happening... process the stuff is happening like a scientific experiment. Collect data and get some conclusions just like an exploration. "I've done that because of that.. than this happens; I've feel that this day... why?". I did this all my treatments in psiquiatrics, therapists, and when you get 21 years old, with alcohol, pot, etc.

After you've gone at the council, come back and tell us how is it going, share you process and discoveries.

 

Having a positive outlook and attitude changes everything. Focusing on all the negatives about yourself destroys your confidence and drains you mentally & physically. High school doesn't really matter, but there's no other time in life quite like it. So try to enjoy it.

Hope it gets better for ya

 

Hi again Happy Thoughts. Tell us, why you didn't go to the coucelor. Something happen?
Is PMO your unique way of pleasing yourself?

 

Ok buddy, listen to me here. What you describe is a textbook case of Anxiety and Depression, which go hand in hand with each other (also known as something called co-morbidity) are a very discouraging combination. I know this not only from experience, but also from my Bachelors in Psychology. I can also tell you that the person you are at 18 is COMPLETELY different from the person you are going to be at 20. And that person is only going to grow to a point where you are a COMPLETELY different person by 25. Life will only get better. You need to talk to someone. Let them know exactly how you feel. For me, I started with some medication that gave me a little bit of a push, kinda like training wheels. But after working through it, the wheels came off and I was flying through life. You can NOT give up. People will care if you are gone. I know I'll care if you are gone. My experience after high school was that college is a completely different environment. If you are planning to go, think of it as place with educated and understanding people (as long as you don't pick a party school). You will make friends that will last a lifetime. I had a nice group of friends in high school that I hardly talk to anymore, but the friends you make in college are the friends that will last your entire life.

You can do this. But the first step is getting help. Just get help. Just like any problem, just like any addiction. You need to seek help. Your entire life will turn around, I PROMISE you. As long as you try, it will be amazing. Tell your parents. Tell a counselor. Someone who can help. It gets better.

 

Nothing bad is going to happen. This will not hurt you in the long run. Talking to them will only help. They aren't going to lock you up. They aren't going to let your situation known (that's actually illegal). They will only help.

 

This changing process is so true. My biggest change come in my college, when I started my treatment against social phobia and depression. Each year I was a complete different person, and I just noticed that some years later. It's a gradual and natural process, like anything else in life, including recovering from PMO dependency.

Try the councilor meeting again. Sharing here is comfortable because we are all anonymous. My first therapy meeting was so difficult, I could barely speak, but I persisted and had many other sessions for one year. Think that way: if you cross this first line on the councilor, you gonna have more chances of doing more things that you couldn't before, and you gonna be closer to other lines ahead.

If I could give some of my energy to you in this meeting, I would. The best I can do from here is cheer for you and wait for your feedback about the meeting.

Hope we meet again here soon.