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So Lonely, Brain Suggested Relapse

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by AllanTheCowboy, Jan 18, 2017.

  1. Jan 18, 2017 #1
    AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I generally don't get urges anymore. If I do, they're pretty much just for relief, or just to fap. I feel so alone tonight that my brain didn't just suggest porn. It actually suggested one of my old favorite websites. The one where, if I typed the first letter into the address bar, it came right up. Nothing happened. My reaction was "the fuck? why would I do that?" I had no desire to do it; there was never danger at all. But, man... that's kind of a big deal that it came to mind at all. It's a singles site from way way back, so there it was. The core of my addiction from way back to when I was a kid: loneliness. My brain didn't want porn. It wanted attention and affection. So I guess ... actually ... I guess that means I'm truly rebooted? It was actually a potential repeat of the very start of my addiction, when I was 13 or whatever. So I guess that's kind of good.

    But man this is hard. And this could be the rest of my life. By all natural logic, that's almost certain. Thank God for the supernatural.
     
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 18, 2017
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 18, 2017
    #1
    vibemaker and D . J . like this.
  2. Jan 18, 2017 #2
    Dr. Jekyll

    Dr. Jekyll Fapstronaut

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    Interesting. I guess some vestige will always be in there, and it decided to ping your consciousness to see what would happen. I guess that may be a hint of any "down side" to recovery: you get to remember everything you've gained and learned from this process, but embedded in that is the memory of the source in some form, like scar tissue or the immune system keeping antibodies around.

    Probably healthy. Maybe your brain is doing some really deep rewiring.

    Natural logic feels very "right" and isn't a bad thing to lean on most of the time, but is not infallible, and has enough blind spots to make life very interesting indeed. I definitely have had bouts of excruciating solitude, even

    “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?”

    although it also can make an excellent crucible for purification and inner growth. I have also found myself saying, "Thank God for celibacy!" from time to time.;)
     
    Dr. Jekyll, Jan 18, 2017
    Dr. Jekyll, Jan 18, 2017
    #2
    Strength And Light likes this.
  3. Jan 18, 2017 #3
    AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Not my will, but ...
     
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 18, 2017
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 18, 2017
    #3
    Dr. Jekyll likes this.
  4. Jan 20, 2017 #4
    Deleted Account

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    I feel like the brain tries to tell you that you will be lonely and never find anyone. It says this so you can relapse again as it craves it. I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass.
     
    Deleted Account, Jan 20, 2017
    Deleted Account, Jan 20, 2017
    #4
    AllanTheCowboy likes this.
  5. Jan 20, 2017 #5
    ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Wow that is some great insight. I applaud you for recognizing it and keeping yourself from relapsing. Keep up the great work! Stay strong!
     
    ILoathePorn, Jan 20, 2017
    ILoathePorn, Jan 20, 2017
    #5
    AllanTheCowboy and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Jan 25, 2017 #6
    vulture175

    vulture175 Fapstronaut

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    New porn can no longer trigger me. All old porn got deleted. Now porn can't even make me happy. Now i'm blank. Nothing can boost me even porn, and that's good. Being depressed is less worse than being anxious. I'm a loner, sometimes i feel lonely. I liked a girl, i think she liked me, and i let her, and that was a right decision i think. Good for her. My loneliness can't be fulfilled by someone, i don't her to be with a depressed guy as well, poor soul. Goodbye girl.
     
    vulture175, Jan 25, 2017
    vulture175, Jan 25, 2017
    #6
  7. Jan 26, 2017 #7
    Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Good post but the last part puzzles me. Do you mean that by all natural logic it's almost certain you will be longing for attention and affection for the rest of your life?
     
    Strength And Light, Jan 26, 2017
    Strength And Light, Jan 26, 2017
    #7
  8. Jan 26, 2017 #8
    AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    By all natural logic, it's almost certain I'll be effectively single the rest of my life.
     
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 26, 2017
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 26, 2017
    #8
  9. Jan 26, 2017 #9
    Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

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    Strength And Light, Jan 26, 2017
    Strength And Light, Jan 26, 2017
    #9
  10. Jan 26, 2017 #10
    AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    No. By all natural logic, there is no reasonable expectation my wife will take me back. Therefore, I will be effectively single the rest of my life. No, I will not meet another woman. Sacramental marriages are dissoluble only by the death of a spouse, therefore I will still be married.
     
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 26, 2017
    AllanTheCowboy, Jan 26, 2017
    #10
  11. Feb 2, 2017 #11
    laris

    laris Fapstronaut

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    The same issue I had to face! I would suggest to kill that loneliness! Discover yourself. Think of what you really need! Make little steps every day . Be the best version of yourself. Make each day one thing that scares you .
     
    laris, Feb 2, 2017
    laris, Feb 2, 2017
    #11
    2525 likes this.

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