So, it's been a year...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by TryingToHeal, Jul 1, 2018.

  1. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Today is 1 year since DDay when I found out about the PA. I had found out that he was watching P 7 months prior to that (on Thanksgiving) but July 1 was the day I found out it was a PA that had spanned our entire 16 years together. This man that I was married to wasn't who I thought he was.

    It was quite the blow because of all the lies. And the 7 months prior when I thought we were on the same page, but he was just filling that time with Psubs instead. It has been devastating to say the least. The few months right after, I was hurt and mad, but I felt with the truth out we could connect and we were really connected for a few months, it was great. Then he started disclosing more of how he really was all those years, and that hurt a lot to hear his words. I wanted the truth, but it still hurt. Then there were a few more lies after that (not PA related) and that further eroded the trust. We've had ups and downs since then but overall I feel like things are worse. He's better, he's doing great, but I mean that I am worse. I feel worse about myself.

    There are constant reminders and triggers everywhere, even in my own home, all the time. It is overwhelming and exhausting and I feel like I never get a break from it. I break down about things (non us/PA related) that I previously could have handled with no problem. It is just that the center of my world blew up and I haven't been able to get a handle on anything ever since that day. The one person that I thought had my back and that I could trust is the one that shattered my world and that just doesn't go away easily. Maybe I should be farther along at this point, especially with him not having any relapses or urges for P, but I'm not.

    Just thought I'd post an update. I have been reading here a lot lately but just not posting.
     
  2. Hang in there. You are strong .. You are continuing to fight: fighting for peace, fighting for joy, fighting for your marriage.

    ..

    Today, I re-listened to the Help Her Video (first one) --- and Dr. Weiss said recovery for the SO can take 1-2 years or more .. depending on how long the lies and PA went on for, previous issues/baggage, etc. I known you wish you were further along in your progress--which to me is a good sign in and of itself--but be patient with yourself. I hope your husband is being patient with you too.

    Hang in there.
     
  3. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut

    @TryingToHeal I am so sorry that you are struggling with the emotions around the betrayal.

    I am 3 weeks post d-day and can only imagine that in a year I will still be struggling.

    I’m sure that some of this has been suggested but if it hasn’t. These books are helping me tremendously.

    Also s-anon. I can’t even begin to tell you that between the books and s-anon, the changes in how I think about everything have changed sooooooo much.

    I definitely admire you sticking it out. I don’t feel like it is healthy for me and my kids do to my situation so we are moving out. BUT I can only imagine being where you are in a year if I would have chose to stay.

    Chin up. And as proved to me just in a short time, this group without a doubt will support you.
     
  4. passionforus

    passionforus Fapstronaut


    For some reason my image won’t load of my audible.

    I’ll post later
     
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  5. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm trying, thank you.

    I have never seen the Help Her Heal videos, but I hear they are great. That is good to know that it says 1-2 years. Honestly, though, I don't think I'll ever be over it. I mean yes, I can be with him and be happy and we can have something good. That doesn't mean that I can get past the fact that he broke my heart and it won't ever be the same. That saddens me so much. We never even had a fight before this (which I now know was just him hiding emotions, but still). Yes, he is patient with me. He says he will wait for as long as it takes, do whatever I ask of him (and he has), etc.
    Thanks for your words.

    Thanks. Yes, this group has been great so far. I am sorry you are in this situation as well. It is such a difficult spot to be in. I'm glad you are doing what you feel is best for you and your kids. Hugs. :emoji_yellow_heart:

    That's OK, thank you!
     
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  6. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    He told me tonight before going to bed that it has been 1 year since he last MOed and he is so proud of that and feels so much better. He thanked me for opening his eyes so that he could make this change and be a better person. He also thanked me for sticking by him and helping him and that he loves his life so much more now. That makes me happy that he feels that way and he is so improved, but it is just so weird because I feel so broken. It is like the whole thing that the PA feels better by telling the spouse about the PA because they get it off their chest and can be open and honest but then the SO is just finding out and is devastated and the SO's journey is just beginning. It is that, but one year later.
     
  7. Yes..this.
     
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  8. I wondered why my wife, who seems so stoic about all of my confessions, doesn’t want to hear my progress.
    I thought she would be happy to hear it’s 3 years since last M.
    But she told me not to tell her about any of this, it’s “my deal”.
    I was confused, but maybe she feel like you.
    Maybe it hurts in some way that i can’t see.
    Maybe she cares more than it shows.
    I wondered why she didn’t want to support me and encourage me and check up on me.
    She simply said its not her job to babysit me.
    She’s right, but your post gave me a little more insight.
    Thanks for sharing you feelings. It might be why I’m getting the response i do as well.
     
  9. I think our SO's are still grieving--which is totally fine. The last stage of grief is Acceptance...accepting that what is / what has happened -- and then moving on.

    In my case, there was TWENTY YEARS of lies and secret PA. I don't know how long it takes to accept that. But only one year / two years in...I can see it still being hard to accept.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
  10. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is really hard to be proud of my husband for being lust free for a year because he never should have been devaluing me in the first place. I don't feel that I should be patting my husband on the back so to speak for engaging in fidelity. Where is my encouragement for staying faithful to him for 15 years? Oh because it is an expectation with the covenant of marriage. So I should congratulate him for not looking at another woman's vagina for the past year? :/
     
  11. Yea I get that I shouldn’t have had this problem in the first place. Encouragement to keep doing right when you never should have done wrong is a fine line.
    Getting kudos from your victim is kinda unrealistic.
    I guess the personal satisfaction we get from overcoming our addiction is tainted enough that we need to find a way to be happy without reminding our victims who might just want to forget. :emoji_thinking:
     
  12. Great points.

    I think staying humble .. keeping a posture of humility, always recognizing / remembering the historical pain we put our SO's through and the current pain they are still struggling with because of betrayal trauma / because of what WE did --- but at the same time not letting these remembrances bring us down, too low to the point where we are super-sad and depressed all the time. (because that is not helpful either)

    Like you said .. it's a fine line.
     
  13. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    "I guess the personal satisfaction we get from overcoming our addiction is tainted enough that we need to find a way to be happy without reminding our victims who might just want to forget. :emoji_thinking:"
    Yes! Well said! I do see some women who congratulate their husbands and are "proud" of them for maintaining sobriety and that is awesome!!! But then there are women who are like me too. I think for men who don't get praise from their wives, places like nofap and 12 step can fill that need for recognition for the PA.
    Interestingly, I am always happy for my nofap friend's and their continued sobriety! I guess because hurt is not there for me. So I do think it is awesome @Thor god of thunder that you are maintaining your sobriety!
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
  14. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I'm proud of my husband and I tell him that. I'm proud of him that I see him do so well and not have any issues with M or P, especially when I can see here on NoFap how so many struggle with it every day. However, I also tell him that yeah, woo hoo, it's been 365 days of you being like you should have been and like I thought you were for 16 years. That's really hard to swallow. It's like I'm super happy he is where he is now, I'm not super happy he had to destroy everything we had to get there. It's hard to come back from that but I'm trying.
     
  15. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Anniversaries are usually happy occasions... but this is the anniversary of one of the worst days of your life. It's not exactly something you necessarily need to "celebrate" as a couple. The addict feels reborn while the SO feels like Humpty Dumpty... sure the pieces are put back together but it's still not the same. It's okay for you to feel conflicted and somewhat disappointed. Some things can heal right away while others take much longer. I hope this next year yields better results for you.
     
  16. Foxislander

    Foxislander Fapstronaut

    I've read your quote and it kind of reads like our story I have ject defied my wife for many years and then we went through trauma with our son he's now prodigal 18 year old I basically use my wife to medicate myself through that process. We've been married for 33 years I've been completely 100% pmo free for 107 days we sign them abstinence contract no porn no masturbation no orgasm does sex of any kind hand holding only light hugs and kisses snuggling only when she wants to for the first two months we went to the boundaries I broke a couple of them they have since been removed cuz we're doing fairly well and Recovery is doing us both well we are both grown in our relationship to God tenfold we read the Bible everyday we read our own recovery things everyday I have a question for you she gets visibly upset when I asked her I said how are we doing progress wise. The question is I need to stop asking all together right I think that's probably the right thing to do? Or when can we maybe start looking at resuming sex again? I basically have to let her decide that right? And do I need to maybe get ready that it may never happen? Since I've been on this journey I've gotten off my ADHD meds I've gotten off my antidepressant meds and again we have both grown intimately getting know each other but sex completely off the table for a hundred and seven days I feel that the joy of having sex needs to return to our relationship at some time but I know that's not going to eat my time or my choosing so if she's getting visibly upset because I can't quite get it out of her does that really mean that she's still got a long long ways to recover or just a short-term to recover and I know that recovery can be a process for Lifetime for me. I have vowed to never used for again and to never masturbate again and I have been 100% faithful in that regard nor have I had any orgasms so basically I'm doing semen retention for all practical purposes mood changes in me the energy surges just out of nowhere the limited amount of sleep I get what you're not more than six and a half hours. I'd like your opinion on should we start thinking about going to the sex therapist? She sees her therapist I see my church group and I use nofap and we're using biblical references to fix ourselves? Any feedback I can get from you would be really awesome I've never screwed around my wife I did use form when I couldn't get my fix from her yes that was absolutely wrong but we are both healthy and I'm starting to get concerned about my mental well-being and her mental well-being due to the fact that we're in a sexless marriage right now. Any thing you could talk to me about that could help or any opinion that you have I would greatly appreciate it I need a female perspective only from a male perspective so God is giving me the patience and then give him the her the confidence to make things happen. God bless you and please help
     
  17. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I know you replied to me, but I don't think I should be the one answering this. Sorry, I just don't know the answers to your questions.
     

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