So here I am

No

 

Oh I was reading and was trying to understand what is wrong with this beach. It was never before in my lifetime such a big deal for me.
And that's what I found out: betrayal trauma triggers: "your external environment triggers might include: catching him scouting out other women or men, recognizing that trance look in his eyes, racy magazine covers staring at you in the grocery store line, hearing songs about love or cheating, television shows depicting love or sex, photo albums of the life you thought you had, travel (either your own or his), going to the beach and being surrounded by bikini clad bodies, the computer screen, or the sight of your own body".

Seems like I have a lot to learn.

 

Thank you, @Jolie

 

This is our new normal: we have been discussing it already couple of times.
I've been trying to fix things this way, but we haven't been able to do so: he is in a foreign land while I'm at home in my beautiful city by the sea. If we are separated he has literally no reason to stay here. So always this was the "stop" factor and somehow became a drama, like now or never, together or divorce. You know, like black and white without any grey gradient.

 

I tried this way, to explain why I feel uncomfortable.
Maybe it's language barrier. English is not my native language, it's a 4th in a row which I learned as a foreign one, not even the first. So sometimes I have not enough words to meaningfully say what I want to say. My biggest English vocabulary dedicated to marketing and internet marketing, not a feelings stuff
So maybe because of that I have problems to explain myself.
Also in a heat of the moment I can not properly understand what he was really saying, ask to repeat - he gets annoyed and so on.
My husband do not know any of my native languages - I'm belingua, - so I'm stuck in that situation where probably my language knowledge is a problem too.

 

That's exactly what has happened: "I don't care what you think, I'm going to swim and you are not going to manipulate me".

Also he said that he probably needs to get more friends, "I should be going out more, I stuck here like in a cage".

Maybe our problems is far more than just porn/images.

Because if someone is saying he is in a cage he literally saying he need freedom. And don't really care how things in Union would go.

 

I've read a lot last days, I think there is a lot of inner work is going on inside.
Other people's experience - I've read a lot from @Jolie, @AnonymousAnnaXOXO, @TooMuchTooSoon and other girls. Also journey and journals of the guys who incredibly changed their life and their marriage.

And here it is: I know now a lot, I've studied a lot. But it's me who is doing that, not my SO. And that's not me who has an addiction, not me who's not addressing that.

So I feel meh

 

Well everything started to get a bit better yesterday night somehow.
We even being intimate.

Something were budding me and I've opened his phone today. Not a nice move, I know.
In the pics I saw the image of the younger women with... Not important, just saw it. You know sometimes you delete pics but the still can be seen when you choose Which app to open. So even it was already deleted I saw it. Meh. Nice girl, juicy I would say. My hands started to tremble. What an incredible insecure woman I am. I've got a feeling that again everything around is a lie, he don't love me at all.

I could not keep it inside and confessed what I did and what I saw to my husband.

He said not a big deal, I felt like it and you are the bitch to invade my privacy.
We are done, - he said.

It's really painful that I'm less than pixels.
And he can srow me out of life like that, like garbage.

He left for another country for 1-2-3 days.
And said before leaving that we are done and wanking feels better, he do not care.

Well, usually I'll cry, or reflect a bit and hope things would cool down.

This time I think that I'll pack my things and move to parents.
I'm afraid to do it, because it's the end. It's a full stop.

I'm so lost.

I lost my marriage due to what?
Me being a bitch?

 

Actually I do not know what to think at all