Slave to my brain!! (Long intro)

What’s up, Peeps!? I’m 41 years old and I’ve been spankin’ it since about 12 or 13. This horrible journey started with my dad’s Playboys sitting in my parents bathroom. When they would leave to go out, the 1st thing I would do is run to their bathroom and grab an issue (or two) and jerk my balls inside out. Would do it anywhere as long as I could get away with it. One day my dad decided to hide a 70’s porn video in his nightstand (The Audacity!!), And watching this was such a rush. Once we got the net/AOL, it was all over. I was doomed!

What really helped contribute to my addiction was this high heel fetish that spawned out of no where as a child, and I mean like at the age of 5...before Masturbation. Then as I got older it grew into heels and stockings. Then of course, by the time I was in my 30’s I was looking at transgendered person porn, cuckholding, and god knows what else. But mainly heels.

Some of my gf’s knew about this fetish, and some accepted my request of dressing up, but some would grow reluctant to do so as they felt that’s ALL I wanted. On of these ladies would eventually become my wife of 5 years. She is an outstanding investigator, and she found out about my habitual viewings. She even found out about the transgendered person porn and my curiosity of viewing them on dating sites (before we were together). I have promised her multiple times that I would quit porn, but I would always give in and she would find out, or know that I was lying when confronted. Unfortunately after our child was born she had developed an Adrenal Gland Hemorrhage, which f$cked her hormones UP!!! To the point where, 4 years later, her libido is non-existant, and all trust is pretty much gone. She doesn’t want me to touch her, and I’ve been pretty much banned from sleeping in the same room with her. I disgust her, especially when I’m in the bathroom because all she can think about is me jerking off when I’m in there.

Might I add that I’ve never been energetic, HUGE procrastinator, very mopey, terrible memory, horrible negative attitude, daily suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, and I’m not an independent person to boot. I have always felt like a child, and constantly compare my lack of masculinity w/ other dudes. I’m such a B@tch!! Never been in a fight and I suck at Apex Legends (har!).

I can’t help but think I have exhausted every ounce of testosterone in my body, and I’m tired of this addiction. I’m tired of feeling this way. It really sucks because now my wife’s flame is no longer lit, and I haven’t had sex in like 4-5 months. So, not only am I not able to enjoy my wife, I’m now in hard mode.

Sorry for the novel, but I needed to write all this so I wouldn’t PMO. Now I’m sleepy and I guess ill carry my black ass to bed. Thanks for letting me vent!

Peace Out!!!