Sissy Hypno Horror (AVOID!): One doctor's struggle

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by vase, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. vase

    vase New Fapstronaut

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    I am a physician and this is the story of my addiction to sissy hypnosis porn. Please note that while I am a practicing medical doctor, I am not a psychiatrist, neuropsychiatrist, or neurologist and have no training or expertise in treating porn/hypnosis addiction. I simply hope my words will be helpful to someone out there struggling with this horrible addiction, and that I can find support from this community. I mention my profession to let other users know that this can happen to anyone who is psychologically at risk, and that the advice I offer here is the same I would offer any patient who told me about this habit (in addition to strongly recommending work with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist).

    Upfront statement: AVOID SISSY HYPNOSIS PORN AT ALL COSTS, and if you are currently addicted, then stop today. These videos are made by predators and serve no healthy purpose. No matter what you may think as you read this sentence, they are not helping you. Silver lining: there is hope.

    For those who don’t know, sissy hypnosis porn is a sub-genre that leverages and amplifies viewers’ innate feelings of shame and inadequacy for the purpose of causing harm. They are explicitly designed to make the viewer question their sexuality and gender, break down their self-esteem, and pull them further into shame and addiction. While many are of low quality, some are clearly the work of individuals with training in sound engineering, hypnotherapy, or both. I expect that some are made by certified clinical hypnotherapists who are exercising their own fetishes. They use images with subliminal text, multiple voice tracks, binaural beats, and other techniques to create an extremely powerful, addictive, and destructive experience. These videos are dangerous.

    How it happened:

    After finishing medical school and during my first year of residency, I became interested in the mind and how it works. I have always been an emotionally detached person and hoped to build more meaningful connections with people. It started with meditation, which brought me to a happy new understanding of who I am and my place in the world. I was happily married and in a top residency program; I had the world at my fingertips. I sought to expand my mind, improve my outlook, connect with my wife, and better serve my patients.

    Through my exploration, I discovered guided meditation on YouTube and subsequently binaural beats. I had a series of very strong and meaningful experiences with the help of THC, and sought to delve deeper into the inner workings of my mind. Through this process, I discovered sexual binaural beats, and was fascinated that I could make myself orgasm without using my hands. I began to experiment with lucid dreaming and out of body experiences, and soon found myself spending hours in trance.

    I discovered more extreme files on porn sites, and things quickly devolved into sissy hypnosis and a subsequent multi-year spiral of self-loathing, shame, and despair. I recently woke up; I somehow snapped out of it all at once and rose out of the depths and back into reality. Now I feel compelled to help others and to seek support online and with the help of my mental health providers. I am determined to be done with this scourge forever.

    Those are the basics… I'd also like to share some background on what I think made me vulnerable to these videos.

    Personal Risk factors:

    1) I grew up in a home of unspoken and untreated mental illness where the primary currency was shame. All conflicts centered around assigning blame and forcing shame on whoever had done wrong. Misdeeds were rarely forgotten.

    2) I reacted to this environment by using shame as a motivator. My academic success was based on a deep conviction that I was somehow unworthy of the respect of my peers and superiors, and that I was going to be found out as a fake. I sought to overcome the shame through hard work and achievement, which has gotten me very far in life. I often found myself sabotaging one or another small task in order to maintain the background sense of shame which I felt drove me to succeed.

    3) I have always had a fetish for transformation. As a child, I would get turned on when characters on TV turned into animals, switched bodies, etc. In college, I discovered transgender pornography and became deeply confused about my sexuality, though never acted on it. I identify as a straight male, and am not attracted to the male gender or the male body. I love my wife and am attracted to women. I am not interested in dating transgendered women; there is just something taboo about a woman with a penis that I find erotic. Every few years I would buy a sex toy and once again be reminded that I am not interested in penetrative anal sex. I resigned myself to the knowledge that this part of my brain is simply wired funny and in a way that was not practical for day to day life. I called it a fetish, associated it with shame, and resolved to take this secret to my grave.

    How it played out

    Once things got going, I would spend hours looking for videos that involved hypnosis about sex with women with penises but which did not mention gender transition/addiction. I never quite found what I was looking for, but was exposed to a lot of material. At first I would immediately click out of the more destructive files, but would occasionally find myself springing awake 30 minutes into a 60 minute video, realizing that it was harmful or included suggestions I didn’t want. Over time I found myself dabbling in ever more destructive files, and at some point I completely lost control and watched it all. Multiple tabs open with binaural beats, layered audio, and video all interlaced. Hundreds of hours. So much shame.

    I disappeared completely a couple of years ago. My marriage had been struggling for a while but it suddenly fell off a cliff. I lost motivation, joy, and purpose and wound up in a deep depression. I abused alcohol and THC. I blamed the relationship troubles on my wife and thought of my addiction as a harmless mode of escape. I thought I was somehow in control because I wasn’t actively dressing up, sending fem-doms money, or finding other sex partners. I became a zombie at work, and while I never wavered in my duty to my patients, my relationships with coworkers and superiors suffered drastically. I had a series of terrible arguments with my parents and siblings and have gone years without speaking to them.

    My marriage completely imploded, and we became loveless strangers. I did all my hypnosis on the couch in our living room; the same spot where we spent our evening times and argued incessantly. I didn’t realize that the couch had become a bottomless pit from which there was no escape and where only bad things happened. We stopped going places, seeing our friends, or having sex. Whenever we had to run errands, I complained that I wanted to just hang out on the couch. I avoided sex by saying that I had ED. I became angry, irritated, and verbally abusive when asked to do anything other than sit on the couch. Bills piled up, chores went undone. My wife resorted to more drastic measures to get my attention, which led to more arguments, shame, and secrecy. She knew something was wrong but didn't know what it was. Our relationship became a distorted reflection of the hypnosis: I forced her into roles she never asked for, then blamed her for inhabiting them. I abdicated responsibility and left her to shoulder both our lives, all while criticizing the job she did at it.

    Things started to change earlier this year when I was forced to spend a month away from hypnosis due to external reasons. My mood improved, my anxiety faded, and I felt in control. However, once it was available again I fell back in, though at a reduced rate. I got it down to once a week, eventually stopped listening to anything with spoken words, and started listening to reversal videos (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THESE STEPS, and instead recommend full and immediate cessation of all activity).

    Unfortunately, my wife moved out during this time and I now find myself alone. While this is tragic and heartbreaking, the experience of living in an empty house has made me realize the real and overwhelming toll sissy hypnosis took on my life. I am lucky that I was able to complete my residency, but I look behind me and see nothing but scorched earth.

    Waking Up

    Last week I woke up for the first time in years. It's been a couple months since she left, and I was sitting on the couch. I had a sensation that I was hypnotized but hadn’t watched anything for a couple weeks. All at once it dawned on me that I HAD BEEN HYPNOTIZED THE WHOLE TIME, and started repeating “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!” over and over again in my mind and out loud. Like a rocket, I felt myself shoot out of the depths. It was an experience like I’ve never had before, and one of the best and most tragic moments of my life. I was suddenly sitting in a living room that felt like a faraway place I had forgotten about. I was present. I felt overwhelming joy for being back, inconceivable sadness for the time and relationships lost, and determination never to go back.

    Since then, I have taken steps to ensure that this chapter is over. I told my wife, our couple’s therapist, and my individual therapist about all of this. I turned the couch around, flipped up the cushions, and laid a barstool across it (I am sitting on the floor as I write this). I have spent as much time as I can outside the house. I am determined to end this addiction and for the duration of my reboot will additionally avoid silent, personal meditation in favor of focusing on being present at all times. I constantly imagine a concrete floor under me on which I will always stand. And I’m here on this website to ask for support from the community. My reboot started when I woke up.

    I am done with shame, and for the first time in my life I feel none. While I’m sad about the things that have happened and incomprehensibly sorry that I put my wife through this, I have let go of the deep feelings of shame that have defined my life so far.

    It's only been 2 days since I told my wife, and I expect that the impending weeks and months will be very difficult emotionally. She has so far handled it very well, but I suspect that there may be too much damage to reconcile; she’s living someplace else and we have no idea how this will play out. I hope this reboot helps me to separate her from the shame. Over the last couple of days we’ve talked on the phone and laughed like we haven’t in years; I feel like I’m myself again and can see her with the love I felt when we first met. It’s been missing for so long; I hope it’s not too late. Either way, I'm just glad I'm awake.

    Conclusion

    That's my story. I just want to reiterate that these videos are 100% dangerous and serve no useful purpose. If you're watching them and think you're in control, you're wrong. If you think they're helping you discover your true self, you're wrong. Avoid reversal hypnosis, as any hypnotic state is likely to be reinforcing regardless of its content. Live in the present, feel yourself in your body, feel the floor underneath you, and know that you're going to be okay. Take deep breaths and tell yourself as many times as you can that you're here, you're awake, you're not going anywhere, you're yourself, and you're okay. Repeat until this part of your life feels so remote that you forget why you're saying it, then keep saying it anyway. You've got this. I've got this.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
  2. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    Never even heard of such a thing. The only thing I meditate to is thehonestguys on youtube. And they make quite decent meditative videos. I do not waste my time searching for porn online and masturbating to it. lmao. I lead a pretty satisfied and happy life with myself and I do not need to be in a relationship attractive with women. I got the end of the rope. Not "THEM." The toxic ones. Even though I do not socially much with people out there, I do things that I enjoy doing on my own. Best wishes.
     
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  3. vase

    vase New Fapstronaut

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    There are a lot of very good meditation videos on YouTube that can be helpful, and many people on this forum would benefit significantly from mindfulness meditation exercises. I'm glad that you've found meditation. Unfortunately, however, I believe that people who have had similar experiences to mine are likely to derive harm from it, as it may trigger resets and relapses.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2018
  4. iWantToGoTheDistance

    iWantToGoTheDistance Fapstronaut

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    Mate I just read your post , this stuff sounds menicing and dangerous. The good news is you can still change your life around and I hope for you all the best
     
  5. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing your story. And congratulations for becoming grounded and seeing a way to turn your life around!

    Hypno porn was briefly my thing, though I gave it up quickly because it seemed ineffective and confusing. In hindsight, it was likely poorly produced videos, my lack of hypno understanding, or both.

    Ps. you may consider getting rid of the couch altogether. A change of scenery or even furniture could help foster a new lifestyle.
     
  6. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    My thoughts go out to you friend. Keep being strong and keep fighting the good fight of overcoming your porn addiction. I am glad you learned something from this experience yourself and not do it again. :) :) :)
     
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  7. Mike Bonanno

    Mike Bonanno Fapstronaut

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    @vase
    I feel you Bro. I really do.
    Been there, done that and didn't get the T-shirt either. I'm glad you're finally finding your way out from those hypno-videos and I wish you all the best in the future. My thoughts are with you. Stay Strong Brother!

    - Mike
     
  8. Welcome @vase

    Good to hear you're determined to quit this addiction. Everyone here experienced, somehow, porn addiction and its bad consequences, and everyone here is determined to quit it. Thus I sympathize to your cause, though I've never heard of sissy hypnosis porn till reading your post. Thanks for sharing; I'll make sure to be far from that. My porn addiction is more usual, but I had some of the same bad consequences that you mentioned too [in a smaller scale, however, I think].

    I'm glad to read about your determination; reading words of courage and determination from others in a similar situation really helps facing this. However, a part of your text called my attention:

    I have had similar sprouts out of determinations like these, specially after relapsing and feeling bad from it. I sincerely hope you never relapse after this post again, but unfortunately, to most of us, relapsing is common; since your porn addiction seems to be dangerous, I really worry about this, in your case, but I want to tell you: keep your determination inside you, even though you have a relapse: this determination, expressed in your words, is what's going to constantly bring you back in to mindfulness, to being present, and to keep struggling to beat off the addiction. You've come to a long term battle against porn addiction; stay prepared to lose some fights, but not the war.

    I have some relapses here and there since I decided to quit porn; but after some months, I can say that the relapses have been less frequent, and I'm being able to track down the causes from them every time they happen, so I can work around on the triggers. Hope you can do the same. Meditation is going to help you through. I suggest Headspace for mindful, present, meditation.

    Best wishes!
     
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  9. vase

    vase New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all so much for the kind words of encouragement. It's strange to find such comfort in the words of strangers on the Internet, but I am nevertheless grateful.

    Yes! Haha somehow in the last 6 days I haven't found time for furniture shopping, but sitting on the floor is rapidly becoming unsustainable...

    Thank you so much for this wisdom. I had a long conversation with my therapist today about your post and the idea of harm reduction. You are right: we must allow for the possibility of relapse, and not set ourselves up to rediscover the shame we've struggled so hard to overcome by setting the bar too high. I've edited my original post to reflect this so that my advice and story may be more helpful to those who read it. I remain determined to beat this addiction, but my eyes are more open today than they were yesterday. Thank you.

    Headspace is an amazing tool and I constantly recommend it to my patients, friends, and family. I also recommend it to just about everyone on this site, and agree that it is nearly universally helpful.

    However, I fear it may be a trigger for me and possibly others suffering from hypno addiction. I have a subscription to Headspace and used it during the time of my addiction, so am concerned that this will increase my likelihood of relapse. I worry that it can be harmful to people suffering from addiction to hypnosis porn specifically, as the act of clearing the mind can feel like an invitation for the negative triggers to return (content creators frequently create triggers associated basic meditation words like "d**p*r" that call forward intense feelings of shame).

    -----------------------------------

    Today was my first day back at work since telling my wife, and I feel even more grounded than I did when I wrote the original post. I feel like I've entered a new mindset and things came easily to me today, without shame or fear. I am aware that this is often a side effect of no PMO, however I am taking it as a good ting and focusing on my own positive vibes and enjoying them for what they are.

    Thanks again, all.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
  10. Abetterbrain

    Abetterbrain Fapstronaut

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    This is a beautifully written post and so honest. Thanks for sharing your story. I feel like this pretty much sums up how destructive porn can be in general, although I do find so many posts on here about guys who are confused about their sexuality due to sissy stuff. Before I came to NoFap I didn't realise how popular that genre was.
     
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  11. Foxhole

    Foxhole Fapstronaut

    Hi thank you for this. It's written very well and it's so true. I'm really sorry what happened to you.
    I had the same issue with sissy fetish. I woke up early this year and I can totally understand everything you talk about. And you're totally right that there is a hope and it can be reversed. The journey is long and hard, but it worth every step.
    I wrote about my experieces here and although i was less in hypnosis and more in acting things out i feel its pretty similar story to yours.
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ugh-sissy-hell-and-50-days-of-freedom.171930/
    Also we have a little recovering group here and althought it's not exactly busy you can join it:
    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?groups/recovering-from-sissy-porn.47/

    Thanks again for sharing your story. I have to agree with every word you wrote and hope ir help others who struggle with this issue.
     
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  12. Crunchy leaves

    Crunchy leaves Fapstronaut

    Thanks a lot for your warning dude. I almost fell into the same hole like you this night.
     
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  13. chiyu

    chiyu Fapstronaut

    After many years of heavy porn addiction, I eventually strayed into this b.s. as well. It's a well-demonstrated phenomenon that over time the lure of novelty can lead people into fetishistic areas that aren't even naturally what they're into. This gradual escalation can catch you by surprise when you realize you're involved with something so far removed from your true self. All porn has some element of escapism of course, but this particular stuff is far more toxic imho since it isn't just about escaping into a particular sexual situation, but rather into an actual alternate sexual identity. After a time these temporary states can spill over and start to blur your sense of self, leading to confusion and self-doubt and all kinds of problems. (You can see this reflected in many posts on nofap.)

    Anyway it's extremely dangerous and should probably be illegal - I wish I'd never been exposed to it. Many here have struggled with it, and I agree with you that it needs to be taken even more seriously than other forms of porn and should be absolutely avoided with a zero-tolerance policy. The problem I found is that once I wandered down that road, then other types of porn tended to eventually lead back there - and thus I realized I now have to keep away from all porn in order to avoid sliding back into self-destruction.

    I'm no expert on de-programming or anything, but I'd like to give one simple tip I picked up here which I found helpful. You look at yourself in a mirror, deeply into your own eyes, and say several times "I am [your name]. Those hypnosis videos [or trigger words or whatever] have no effect on me anymore. I am free of them."

    Anyway good job writing this down, and having the courage to post your story, this is part of the healing. You are not alone and there absolutely is hope. Wishing you well in your recovery.
     
  14. vase

    vase New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks again, all for the support!

    Thanks so much for linking to your story. It seems like we've had much the same experience and I'm glad that you've woken up as well. What a crazy, terrible ride this is...

    Thank you for this advice! I have been doing this over the last couple of days and will continue. Have been repeating a lot of these same things in the car on the way to and from work, which has also been helpful.

    I've been spending a lot of my waking hours consciously focusing on "being awake," and after a week of intense focus starting to feel fatigued. I've been afraid to let down my guard and slip into the old mindset, but man this has been exhausting. I worry about falling asleep, too. The thought of letting go of consciousness is frightening to me, and I've had some dreams about the hypnosis over the last week. Has anyone else had this experience?
     
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  15. +TenPercent

    +TenPercent Fapstronaut

    A heartfelt thank you for your post:

    I just cancelled a monthly subscription that I had for a (naughty) hypnotist and deleted all the files that I had downloaded (50+) in one fell swoop. Some were "healthier" files in that they encouraged the listener to take better care of his body or to achieve his goals . . . but your post helped me to see that I really don't need any hypnosis in my life.

    Wake Up!!:emoji_clap::emoji_clap:
     
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  16. Anubis Rises

    Anubis Rises Fapstronaut

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    if she hasnt gotten into another relationship with another man then id continue conquering this no pmo an win her back, you have more advantage then the other guys , you know her heart an mind, woman love a mans stamina an ambition especially its aimed at them,
     
  17. chiyu

    chiyu Fapstronaut

    Yes I had a few dreams like that, and when I realized I was having after-effects from those materials - it got my attention that it was something I really had to stop fooling around with. You're exhausted because what you're doing is hard work. If you stick with it though, your positive changes will become more routine and require less effort. Make sure you're not only focusing on the mind aspect of things, try to support yourself in complimentary ways like good diet, exercise, outdoor activities, social interactions, etc. Don't worry too much about how you feel on any given day, just keep taking those steps and let your inner self heal at its own pace.
     
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  18. Anubis Rises

    Anubis Rises Fapstronaut

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    i havent watched the hypo stuff in awhile, all its subliminality , i place negative sublimality with positive subliminality ,you dont deal with a fire in a bush simply by walking away,no you use a hose an water it down, i listen to positve music i place affirmations on my walls an screen saver, we lose our essence by "M"ing , thus i have pinned to my wall that i look at everyday, "strengthen the lifeforce,persevere the lifeforce" everyones amazed at my energy at work everyday, its a very demanding busy enviroment i work in 40 hours a week an i could not be the best i could be if i pmo every night
     
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  19. Mordecai

    Mordecai New Fapstronaut

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    Made this account to thank you for your post, OP. As someone who struggles with the same stuff, this post was an real eye opener. Hope you're doing fine and hope that anyone who struggles with this toxic will.
     
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  20. BravelyKegger

    BravelyKegger Fapstronaut

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    sissy hypno is what i have been into lately for the past year, and i believe it has caused a lotttt of my issues, i would get high and put headphones on and just watch hours of it, i love being degraded and feeling like a sub, well the porn addicted side of me does anyways. And that is basically what i am recovering from, that and 8 years of porn use, also im into anal and gay shit which was caused by the porn so i have a lot of urges i am fighting off. but i have no doubt i can beat this.
     
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