Sissification is the End of the Road For Me

I too recognize what you wrote Yoojung.
I lived in pure darkness as well in the past. I was clothing myself in all feminine stuff as soon I leave my parents house.
I used buttplugs, high heels and lingery. Watched porn, feminization and sissy porn videos.
One step lead to the other.

I discovered that we are like an onion. We have to pull off the shield one layer at a time.
We have to do that until we discover the root of our problem.

I believe that all those sissy and feminization addictions lead to one thing:
We need to feel save!
Somewhere in life we lost the safety our mother should have given us.
To jump into a world of feminity and softness en pleasurable feelings, we try to get that safety back.

In my life I have only one safe place. My believe in Jesus Christ. That gives me peace and warmth and love and merci and joy and forgiveness, restoring my self esteem. Without Him, I couldn't break free from the bondage sissy porn creates.

Please do your investigation and start searching for the truth. The truth will set you free from all enslavement.

 

I appreciate you talking about this. It's very bold of you. I just want you to know that we are here to support you to overcome this phase of life.

 

Hi Guys, First post here as I literally was inspired to sign up by this thread! Everything said in OPs post relates to my own story.

I started with the extreme porn when I was quite young having spent many if my teen years getting off to all varieties of mainstream porn. I progressed to cam sites, still in my teens, and quite often camming with older middle aged women... I was a virgin and what young attractive women were really getting off on cam... right?! There was the odd one luckily! Anyway, this thrill opened up other doors and I'd quite often get men asking to cam. At first I wouldn't consider it but it got me curious so I started watching bits of gay porn, again, it didn't do anything for me... until I stumbled over a video of a fem guy in lingerie... it turned me on immensely and was my first introduction to crossdresser and transgender porn.

I went out the following day and bought some lingerie and proceeded spending far too much of my spare time locked away in my bedroom getting off to sissy and crossdressing porn... all while dressed up myself. Over the following months I spent quite a lot on my wardrobe and had heels, lingerie, even some dresses. I progressed from porn to camming regularly, getting guys off virtually whilst dressed up had become a a huge kink and gave the most intense orgasms. In the last couple of paragraphs, I've paraphrased a time period that probably spanned 6/7 years between my mid teens and early 20's, of which, I had two long term relationships where, for a period of time, I was able to suppress my desires... twice throwing away my entire collections and ceasing watching porn... I lasted 18 months during the start of my longest relationship of that period.

At the age of 23, my addiction had become so intense that it was a leading cause to ending my relationship at that time. She had no idea but I did almost get caught a couple of times. I was living alone (where we would stay together a few times a week) and often had a lot of friends around partying. By this time, I had started drinking quite a lot (with all the partying) and doing drugs. As has been said a lot here and on other posts, drugs intensified the experience for me and made me want to take it to the next level... but I refrained from doing that through being in a relationship.

When we broke up I cleaned up my act, stopped drinking and all of the other bad things, got fit and started to look after myself. The strange urges were there which made me go on a stint of self discovery, I realized very quickly that I wasn't gay after 'innocently' joining one of my gay friends on a night out and being approached by men really made me feel uncomfortable. I had an experience with a transgender woman who was well hung and I have to say... it was amazing... enough so that I saw her a few times although I quickly realized it was just part of self discovery and I wanted nothing more (she more of a fem tv). Wanting to be sure... I went on to have a short relationship with another transgender woman who was very beautiful and, to date, none of my friends or family know she was transgender. That's what ultimately became the issue for me... this journey of self discovery had taught me that I wasn't gay, although some might say not completely straight as I had fun, I discovered that I am physically and mentally attracted to women and straight 'relationships' are my thing.

The problem with everything in the last paragraph is that the journey didn't at all help suppress my addiction... and I was continuing to dress up, watch sissy porn, go on cam and generally get off dressed up. This all happened until I got offered a job miles away from home, so I relocated, met someone and started a new life.

This all worked flawlessly... for 5 years!! I thought I was over the addiction. That relationship ended and another began and nothing! It felt good.

That all ended about 18/24 months ago when the urges came back with a vengeance. At first I started feeling like I wanted to dress up to get off, then the porn, now porn and cams. I started augmenting it with having a few drinks. That progressed to getting high as it makes the orgasms so much more intense. Now I feel like I'm more addicted that ever before... part of me feels like the sexual gratification is most amazing but I have all of the come downs, guilt and feelings of shame. I find myself searching to be alone to indulge. It feels like this is going to be a tough one to shake!

I relate to your challenges OP, and others on this thread.

Sorry for the long post... that's more than a little revealing in some places and goes to extents that reach further than porn. This is my story and the first time I've ever shared it.

 

Damn I never heard of that stuff, didn't know porn could change your whole psyche so much.. Can you explain what exactly sissification means and why people would do that if they don't feel female at first?
Anyways, I firmly believe you can still get out of this but I think it's gonna be hard as fuck. This is not your usual porn addiction. I would recommend going to a therapist.

 

I think it's amazing brave to share your story here. I know personally how difficult that is.
Lot of people have been gone very far into the rabbit hole, but they know how to grow out of this addiction.
I recognize a lot from your story.
For now: all I can say: make a way to stop developing the addiction and try to figure out what is your root problem.

I wish you peace and love.

 

Wow !
Such a heart crunching story. I couldn't help read all of it, and all I could see was the struggle of this loving, amazing human being behind this addiction. All that you've told us is nothing but a façade, a set of behaviors which are caused by this addiction - and the bad linkage of the dopamine system as you very well pointed out.

My heart goes out to you, be brave and see the light inside and don't give up. It's just the addiction trying to pull you down, you're way much more than that.

 

Which comes first sissification or soy boys?

 

It takes a good man to win an argument but it takes a great man to apologize.

 

I think its more about the cinema thats going on in someones hand. When someone links pleasure to getting banged like a chick, then you will be aroused.

those people need to reattach arousal to reality again. Every orgasm a man will ever have is a male orgasm.

 

Amazing story. It also sounds quite demonic. I believe we allow evil to enter our hearts when we open ourselves up to this. (Only you know if this is true - people will say it is absurd, but is it more absurd than the fact that we are living on a tiny ball of dust circling a ball fire in a never-ending ever-changing universe?) This sissification stuff is truly evil. If Satan is to be found anywhere, certainly it is there.
Run.

 

I so relate to these reports regarding sissification.

I too watched as this addiction dragged me deeper and deeper into the world of online porn (and, in my case, chatrooms). Sissification via both images and words / blogs / chat was one of many, many turning points in this journey. These lead to dressing to public displays to subjugation and humilation to self-harm to...you know.

At one point I started seeing a gender identity specialist in order to explore transitioning. Just prior to starting hormones I ran across a blog (can't recall the name or address) that explored the gender confusion that sometimes arises with sex / porn addiction. Finding this felt like a light exploding in my being. It pulled me back from making what, for me, would have been some very inappropriate changes - changes that would have profoundly impacted myself and my family.

To be honest, I do experience an internal sense of gender that does not quite fit the usual designations. Sissification (and other porn) seemed to muddy an honest and appropriate exploration of this - and other - aspect of my being, though. This particular rabbit hole lead not greater clarity and understanding, but to more confusion, desperation, and addiction.

Thanks to all of you for helping me step away from this - and more. Congrats to everyone for doing this work, for taking this step. Keep up the good work!

 

Spoiler: sissification defined

Sissification videos are collaborative mash-ups of porn and/or trans porn, sometimes with suggestive musical beats, and sometimes with a female voice either using hypnotism techniques or just sensually soft talk, coercing you to identify with the woman in the video who performs sexual acts on the man. This isn’t something that’s going to arouse a heterosexual newcomer to porn right off the bat; this type of porn is sought out by people who have watched so much porn that they have graduated to more extreme forms like fetish and transgendered person porn. It isn’t known for sure, but eventual graduation to sissification porn also seems to fill a void of acceptance to a certain person’s place in this world.

I know this because I’ve been down this rabbit hole before. In the thick of my addiction, I would even blog about how much I admired this lifestyle. But in real life, it was a shameful feeling and I can relate to a lot of people who posted on this thread in one way or another. And I can tell you that you can indeed turn the tables on it so it doesn’t control your life. Since I started rebooting in January of this year, I’ve never watched one second of sissy porn and I haven’t had the desire to do so. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m sure there are a lot of you like me who just need to stop watching all porn and the rest will fix itself.

Easier said than done, I know. But if I can just be an example of someone who overcame this fetish, at least those of you who think it’s permanent or impossible to feel natural again can see that I’m here to tell you that it is possible. Find that passion in life (a real, natural passion) and pursue it. Stay on the course towards your new goals and never look back at this horrible lifestyle again.

 

I've also done something terrible that at that moment I felt ecstatic but later on I was suicidal.
It's very brave of you to post this. I've realized what we can't fight urges in one moment just as we can't charge a mobile to 100% in one minute. Our strength to fight urges grows gradually.

Reading the book - Slight Edge - gave good insight.

 

Well said.
And yes, of course it's possible to get rid of whatever addiction.
Keep on doing so!

 

I applaud anyone with the courage to post their experiences with this awful stuff. Although I've been addicted to P for many years, I was never really worried about it until I stumbled into this particular fetish. It is insidious and can really get in your head and cause confusing, contradictory feelings. My experience with it started innocently enough but escalated over time until it seemed like I couldn't control my urges to explore it, even though i knew deep down it really wasn't me.

The thrill during the binge-sessions of watching this stuff would be offset afterwords by feelings of shame, remorse, disgust, and fear I was losing myself. This cycle repeated many times until one nite I started to get weird thoughts like from the captioned images I'd seen and it totally freaked me out, so I ended up on nofap, determined to pull away from it all.

I failed the first few times in my reboot, badly, but now I'm 73 days in and feeling my old self beginning to return, without this garbage clouding my thoughts. However I can attest to how powerful this particular strain of P is because some of the fantasies are still bubbling up from time to time, even though I never used to have any such thoughts years ago before being exposed to it. Keep working on recovering your true self everyone, it is possible with time and focusing on healthier mental and physical activities, and of course committing to staying away from such P materials.

 

Well said. As well.
73 days, that is a great example for us all! Glad you make the decision to break totally with this heavy destructive stuff.

 

@chiyu Glad you were able to make such a dramatic course correction. Those remain required! I've had to continually get that "ouch" into my head when I'm seeing something I should NOT be looking at. It used to be I let images of one sort or another be on my screen, but I decided only what my wife wouldn't mind me seeing / watching. Then, it became more about me, and controlling impulses and my reactions. Eventually, this whole journey gets you to a great place and ready to be devoted fully into a relationship.

 

I know what you mean..also convience one guy to buy me dildo. Then go on cam with him. Then..when it was over. I felt guilt...shame...etc. i throw it all to garbage. But never stop with porn...ok..I stoped, one week or two ..but it s worse and worse. Also, I m believer, so I went on confessions.. just imagine my shame when I confes that garbage. But, over and over again I fall in that behavior. Start to wear panties to. Don't know if I can make it to be normal again. But when I read stories here...it gives me hope. So, this week I m starting again. Maybe just week or two. And, get rid of one thing first..porn..then chat with guys...an so on. I don't know which method is ok? Gradualy or die hard when it comes to get rid of this

 

Hi mr. witcher,
Yes it is possible to become totally clean.
Learn to say NO!
Gather knowledge, and don't forget: Gods principles are working!
BTW I'm wondering why you choose your nickname. Are you in witchcraft?

 

It sounds like you made the first break through! It's important. Things I read on here you can tell those that see the light and those that don't yet. Of course seeing the light is only knowing which direction to go in. Actually walking out the tunnel is a longer journey and much harder.

Remember that your fetish is basically conditioning. You've indeed conditioned your self to get aroused to sissy porn and nothing gets you higher.

Now it's time to do the opposite. Deconditioning.

DONT watch sissy porn. In fact don't watch any porn. Think of it as the same principal to your sissy porn. Your conditioning your self NOT to get aroused to that any more.

It wont be easy. Your gonna go a few days and get cravings. I do (I don't have a sissy fetish). That's your brain wanting it's dopamine fix like a junkie. But the idea is with enough time and deconditioning your want it less and less.

The best thing to do is keep busy when the cravings happen. Read, music, read posts on here, exercise. I find it sometimes helps to 'remember' why you are doing nofap when the cravings happen. It's good to remind yourself.

You might fail a few times, but I think there is a lot to learn from failures so don't beat your self up about it. Clear your head and head back towards the light with ever more purpose.

And it is possible to break habits. I know. I removed my self from a job because it was enabling me to act out with my fetish.