I'm writing this post to not only tell my story but also to reach out to those that have the same exact problem. I lurked around for posts about sissification addiction for a brief period of time and found that a lot of people have found this fetish to be especially "powerful" in its holding on them as an addiction and its nature to start destroying their lives through loss of self-esteem and depression. I've never written anything like this, so...here it goes. I know I'm in a safe community that is supportive of each other to relinquish addictions. It's a long read, so feel free to skim it, or at the very least, read the last few paragraphs. I don't remember how I stumbled across something that aroused me, but it was when I was quite young - probably when I was 7 or 8. Of course, it was on the internet. I saw this YouTube video of two girls making out, and that was the introduction to my arousal. Sooner or later, I discovered how to masturbate and was doing it once to multiple times a day. During the summer when school was out, this frequency increased to even 5 times a day. In high school, I talked to a few of my closest guy friends the same age as me about doing this when I was younger and they related in doing the same. I thought of it as normal, and it was no problem, because as I got older, the frequency stopped. I brushed it all off as just a thing that happens in puberty. Looking back, though, I found myself to watch increasingly bizarre porn. I attribute this all to dopamine, of course, as many of you may know. Masturbation is very much like a drug, and as you do it more often, you tend to want more of it and a stronger dose of it in endeavor to reach that glorious high you experienced the first few times. As "normal" porn got boring, I started looking into categories that, well, society would consider to be "normal fetishes." Anal, feet, domination, submission, bondage, hentai, rape, latex, erotic asphyxiation, all that kind of stuff. I guess I was insidiously smart and cunning as a young kid from the age of 8-12 to start looking into this while keeping it a secret from my parents, sister, and brother. I found all of these categories to be boring and even looked into those "bizarre porn" sites that had fake snuff videos and just plain weird is-that-even-porn-anymore kind of stuff. I've since grown out of this and thought I saw it all. The thing is, despite watching all of these intense categories of porn, as dysfunctional as it seems, it never ruined all the other aspects of my life. I had a girlfriend in high school, got accepted into a university, was ambitious with fitness, and strived to better myself in every way imaginable - physically, emotionally, morally, socially, productively, etc. I'm prefacing my current addiction with all of this back story to paint the picture of the kind of stuff I let myself masturbate to since I was kid. Despite looking at all of that kind of porn, it never messed my life up. My confidence was through the roof, and I never let the porn control me. For years, especially towards the end of high school through college, I never had to watch porn. I had a couple of girlfriends in college and even had a reputation to be the best looking and most charismatic guy in my large social circle in college. A lot of my guy friends opened up to being envious of me in various ways, from my ambition, to my physique, to my philosophies on life, to my positive outlook on life, to my ability to weave through social situations - including socializing with girls - so easily. Fast forward to a couple of years after college. I had my own place and, as a result, found that I was able to spend a lot of time with myself without any obligation to having to see faces like I did in college due to dorm and campus life. I still went out and kept up with a lifestyle of partying. I met a lot of people, and some were bad influences. Inevitably, I fell into drugs like weed, cocaine, MDMA, acid, shrooms, and such. Reflecting on it all, it seems to have been the case that the partying lifestyle no longer gave me the thrill and excitement it used to, and I "graduated" to other things that gave me that rush again (tying back to the whole dopamine thing I described before). I became so accustomed to the use of the drugs - mainly weed - that I developed a comfortable identity with my not-sober mind, and spent a lot more time in isolation. This consequently led me to start masturbating more, especially because smoking weed made me horny. I restarted the vicious path of searching online for more and more intense porn. That's when I stumbled across sissification. At first, it was a fantasy, of course. However, the culture of sissification hypnosis and encouragement, for some reason, never grew old, and started to mess with my life. It's been over a year since I found this fetish, and even until now, I still find an immense thrill from it. It's never getting old, but I started to want a more intense experience with this category. I started to develop a habit of smoking weed all the time and masturbating to this kind of porn. Then, I started to buy girls' clothes to crossdress. I bought sex toys to explore anal for myself. I became increasingly ashamed of myself, and after each time I did it, I knew that it was the last straw and that I could not continue doing this. It would literally ruin my whole day and make me want to stay isolated, in irrational fear that people would find out about it if I showed my face anywhere. I'm sure you're all aware of what that irrational fear feels like. Of course, like what is expected of this vicious cycle, the arousal and desire would come back. I definitely messed up my dopamine system or whatever it is, because nothing else in life excites me. I even started making financial goals towards spending more money on crossdressing and even fantasized about going out to hook up with guys. I'm fucking heterosexual, and I know that this desire isn't because I'm gay. It doesn't even have to do with sex for the sake of sex - it's to chase that high I had the very first time I stumbled across sissification. I even bought these latex panties that have a sheath for my dick as well as for my ass and fantasized about wearing it and prepping myself so that I could hook up with guys with assurance of not catching STDs (and also to add thrill from the latex fetish that I had before). It's like I developed an alter ego of "being a sissy," which all of these sissification hypnosis things encourage oh so much. When I look in the mirror, I don't feel good about myself. I feel weak and ugly. My self-esteem is at an all-time low, and it's difficult for me to have one single day that's normal. I'm no longer ambitious in the goals I set out for myself because I anticipate that putting in hard work and effort to achieving them will not have the same level of satisfaction as simply dressing up, smoking weed, and masturbating away. I've decided to write this because I did the most absurd thing yet for myself. I dressed up, put on the latex panties, and put on this butt plug that had a cock ring attached to it. I put lube, weed, and a dildo in a bag and went out at night. I smoked a lot to loosen my inhibitions and went out for a walk. I never experienced the thrill of being dressed up outside and running the risk of being caught. I walked to a nearby park to find a dark, isolated spot to do my thing. That's when I found a portable bathroom and thought, in my high and aroused state of mind, that it was the best idea to do it in there because of how dirty and reminiscent of a slut it would be to do so. I went in there and placed the dildo on the toilet seat cover (there's a suction). I pulled down the tight pants I was wearing and switched between riding the dildo and putting the buttplug back in. I did this until I couldn't help myself and put the buttplug in and cockring on. I remember it being at least half an hour of feeling pure ecstasy and losing my mind. I had the added thrill of being in the public and being in a dirty portable bathroom due to the danger of running some type of risk of disease or what you would expect a dirty bathroom to have. I distinctly remember, in the moment, I made the decision in my mind that this was going to be my lifestyle - until I came. That's when everything came crashing down. I never felt such guilt, shame, and even fear of being caught. I got back home and decided to trash everything I had - the dildo, the plug, the clothes, the weed - everything that only perpetuated this habit and addiction. I woke up the next day, still in shock with what I had done. I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment and show my face, again due to that irrational fear of somebody knowing. There's something about this sissification culture and community that has a deep holding on me, and I know many people feel the same way based on the posts I've seen on here and other forums. This was a long post, and I'm sorry if it was very much of a long read, but I needed to share this story in order to reach out to those on the same dark page as me and to reach out to others that may empathize with me. I want to form a support system to help each other get back on the right track. I want all of us to regain our self-confidence and regain control of every aspect of our lives. I want us all to prevail in our goal to end our addictions so we can live our life liberated from the dark habits we put ourselves through.