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Similarity Between Porn and Online Dating

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Deleted Account, Sep 5, 2018.

  1. Hi, I'm new to dating. Have always had a lot of social anxiety about this issue, but feeling more confident lately. I just signed up a couple days ago for the first time ever to online dating sites, so far Tinder and OKCupid. That was a huge step for me, just to sign up and create a profile, etc. So far I'm noticing some things about these sites that I don't like. I have been "binging" on them. Scrolling through girls pics and profiles, continually looking for the "next" one. Only giving attention to the physically attractive images. I was answering questions on a girl's profile, where she had a lot of questions about kinky sex, and it really turned me on, and I ended up fapping later, without porn. I'm not terribly concerned about the fact that I fapped without porn, that could be a good thing. But, so far what I'm doing on these online dating sites reminds me very much of my porn behavior, binging on porn sites, "saving" scenes, and then, eventually, fapping. On top of that, I've been having daily urges to look at porn for the last week, week and a half or so, but haven't given in. However my behavior on these online dating sites so far is getting me in to that "porn-searching" mindset, and there is a temptation to escalate to porn.

    I always hated the idea of online dating. Because of the "fakeness" of it. But I just wanted to give it a try now in order to get my feet wet in the dating world. Now I'm thinking it might really not be worth it. Instead, I think what will be better will just be old-fashioned real-world interaction with women, like I had to do when I was a teenager back in the 90's (I miss that time). I've been very active going to Meetup groups and that has a lot of potential so far for meeting women, in person. Outside of Meetup groups, there's also just the normal "real world" of everyday, normal, interactions, like going to the grocery store, going to the bar, going to the coffee shop, etc. Maybe those are the places I need to look. If nothing comes of it, at least it will be better for my health and well-being

    What do people think?
     
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  2. SheMonk

    SheMonk Fapstronaut

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    I can see the similarities. Tinder "scrolling" is very addictive and when you get matches you get a dopamine kick. It's not even about the people. But about the rush / the win. Just like gambling and games and other addictive activities.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I did lots of online dating. I recommend that you get off tinder and okay Cupid and do e harmony. Don’t use the free sites.
     
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  4. Hi GG, thanks, would you mind explaining a little bit?
     
  5. Hi SheMonk, yes after a couple of days on Tinder, I can see that it is really pretty stupid. Thought I would try it to see what all the fuss is about and it kind of seems like a mindless suckhole. Think I'll stay away from it
     
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  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Tinder and Ok Cupid tend to have the majority of people just looking to hook up or not looking for a serious connection. Because they are free sites (I think you can do a paid okay Cupid now) many people are just not serious. You find more people in relationships looking to experiment. Also tinder allows pics without shirts and very sexy ones so does okay Cupid. Match even though paid is not much better but better. When I did these sites as a woman I would get at least 30 emails a day and most were from men who did not even read my profile. They just looked at my pics. I could never get through them it was frustrating.

    Eharmony costs more and you have to take a very serious personality test. People that do this are usually more committed. You only get to see the profiles of those that you match with. So you can’t jist browse pics of hot women or men. You also don’t get sexy pics allowed. When I did EH I vowed to give the matches all at least one date. I mean I had done such a bad job picking for myself I decided to let them pick and guess what happened? I went on dates with men I NEVER would have given a second look to and many were great. I met my current partner there. On other other sites I would have looked right past him.

    If you are looked to date and not focus on sex or looks give it a try. It’s hard in this day and age to date and not meet online. So don’t give it up entirely.
     
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  7. What you are saying definitely makes sense. The problem for me is that I loathe the idea of online dating in general, so I hesitate to invest with the paid subscription. I really like Meetup where I can actually go on lots of social outings and meet women in person, doing things together that interest us, including singles Meetups. In fact, I would say that I HAVE to do Meetup in order to get past my social anxiety. It is really helping with that. So really with online dating I'm just looking to try to get my feet wet with at least the idea of meeting these women, talking about myself in my profile or whatever. I'm not expecting anything from it whatsoever, nor do I care. Almost like if I was given the option of meeting a wonderful person online quickly and easily, versus taking a longer time to meet a wonderful person in the real world, I would choose the second option, because I just prefer so much the idea of the real world to online. Like it's the how that matters to me, if that makes sense. But, on the other hand, if something like Eharmony will help minimize the porn-like binging behavior, that could be worth the cost, just to be able to get something worthwhile out of online dating. So I have to think about it. Thanks

    Edit: I should add that I have no desire to get married or have kids, I'm not looking for hookups
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2018
  8. lovelyDay

    lovelyDay Fapstronaut

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    Me too, same advice here just try some online dating for beginning... There is a lot of sites and there is a lot of people of opposite sex who are seeking exactly like you, so you have nothing to loose bro :)
     
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  9. cgr002

    cgr002 New Fapstronaut

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    I'd say get off of all the sites if you haven't reached your Nofap goal. In my experience at Nofap streaks, I find the longest ones are the ones where I do not date. When I date, I end up fantasizing about the girls. That leads to blue balls. And then eventually, I am back to Day 1. For me, I believe that there is plenty of time to date after my Nofap goal of 90 days. My 90 days isn't JUST about quitting porn or masturbation. It's about getting to know myself, finding my value, owning my strengths. I don't want any distraction. This is ME time. I'd say get off the sites all together and trust the process!
     
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  10. Yeah I think @GG2002 is right. People can't be all that serious about a relationship if they aren't willing to pay. Having said that I know of someone met her husband on Oasis which is free. I actually met my ex on Facebook.
     
  11. lovelyDay

    lovelyDay Fapstronaut

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    Well it happens all the time, both on free and paid sites, and chats and all other online places where people can meet :) I even know couple that is in marriage and they meet each other playing some online game, and then they on games forum discussed, felt in love and start to date:)
     
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  12. I have decided to stop with Tinder, it is just stupid. Took less than a week to figure that out. I think I am getting better at using OK Cupid, I have to spend less time doing all the people's profile questions, and especially need to avoid the ones about kinky sex, because those turn me on too much, plus I don't think I should be disclosing everything anyways. I am not liking the idea of signing up for Eharmony, it costs too much, and I am not that committed to online dating at this time. Maybe if I was looking for a wife, I would try Eharmony, but I'm not. I did the free personality test on Eharmony but didn't sign up for the site afterward. Now I get all kinds of emails from them about "matches" and "so and so messaged you". It's annoying. For me the point of trying online dating is just to "get my feet wet" thinking about dating, initiating things with girls, taking the initiative to "like" and "message" them first. Then dealing with the fact that I might not hear back. Or if I do hear back, then dealing with that too, obviously. So I think OK Cupid is fine for that, and maybe there are some other free sites that are similar. Although I'm finding OK Cupid to have kind of a clunky "liking" system so far, that I haven't figured out
     
  13. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

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    I have used tinder too (not after starting nofap again). It is very obvious to me at least what a person are looking for on tinder. Some people are there just for the likes, some are there for chatting, some are there for sex and a very small number (like myself) was looking for a relationship.
    In many ways tinder is a nice way to start dating - but you will not learn the whole experience of dating. At the same time if you are looking for a real connection with an other person, tinder will most of the time not be the best app to find it. Even tho I learnt a lot from it with this _one_ girl. With all other matches I got there, I did not really anything about relationship.

    I was in many ways lucky I met a very "normal" girl on tinder who I started to date. We were both looking for a relationship, and not only casual sex. What I learnt from it is that you can actually see on a lot of peoples profil what they are looking for (not all, I am not going to judge all).

    But to make it clear, tinder is not the best option even tho I had a good experience from it. Also while you are going trough all the profiles, you will most likely get urges and fail on the nofap journy since there are so many people trying to show the sexy side of themself.

    But I see that you have already learned, but I wanted to share :,)
     
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  14. Well, this is confusing. Why date if you're not looking for a partner? If you want to mess around with girls Tinder is what you need. If you just want friends why not just go to a meetup?
     
  15. So the only options are either getting a wife, hooking up, or making friends? There's gotta be a lot of relationship types/approaches in between. Can't people have long-term relationships without getting married? But yeah, I do go to a lot of Meetup groups and really like it, and lots of potential to meet women
     
  16. So you want a relationship without the commitment?
     
  17. Well, I guess if commitment equals marriage, then I guess I'd have to answer yes to your question
     
  18. Not necessarily. You can be committed to co-habitation but saying marriage vows out loud can help certain people with their commitment. If you notice I used the word partner, not wife so I wasn't really talking about marriage. I don't think every woman who used e-Harmony want to get married. But why are you so opposed to marriage anyway?
     
  19. Sure, partner sounds better than wife to me. Love sounds good to me. And I just want to put out there that I'm not opposed to other people getting married. It's just that I've never, ever been interested in marriage or having kids. It is just.... so unappealing to me. Suffocating. Unfree. Business-like. Boring. Are the words that come to mind. Always felt that way, and am not willing or interested in changing my views on it. I'm sure it has something to do with my parents and their marriage. And I would say that they have always been happily married. But that's not the kind of happiness I want
     
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  20. I joined Plenty of Fish last night.... it is really fun so far..... however, didn't help with my no-PMO attempt LOL
     

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