Should I try being friends with ex-girlfriend? :/

I don't think I will listen to Corey Wayne, as I have been married for 10 years and don't have a need to improve my skills with other women. But... his advice (paraphrased by @Verhart) seems aimed at helping dudes increase their dating and relationship success rate. If that is indeed his approach, that is a rather one dimensional approach to dating. If you are looking for a long term mate, you should be yourself, you should be ok with being perceived as weak, as long as, you are being yourself. Don't fake being more secure and masculine, instead, be yourself.

As I have gotten older, I have become more confident in myself. I am confident that if I pretended to be someone I am not, that I could start picking up chicks left and right. But... those relationships would be fake and shallow and would not last. And... the ladies who would be attracted to me would be fake and insecure. The ladies who were confident and looking for a long term relationship would be able to smell my lies from a mile away.

Damnit... I know I don't need to watch Corey Wayne's videos, but, I am going to have too now. I don't like criticizing others without giving them a fair chance first. There goes another 30 minutes of my life... booohoooo.

 

Perhaps rather than seeking to get your friendship to where it was you really have to forgive, apologise and move on.

This is what I've had to do to many old friends and it's great for losing the baggage.

 

Well... I watched Corey Wayne's video "Be Her Lover, Not Her Butler", and I can say without a doubt, if you are looking for a lasting loving relationship, then steer clear of this guy. His advice will work, but, you will be attracting the wrong women, and you will be tricking them into thinking you are someone you are not. Corey Wayne is a supremely confident person who seems ok with behaving however necessary to make a woman beg for him, desire him, and constantly be amazed by the person he is.

To be fair, I only watched 1 of his 100 or so videos, so, there is a chance I am being unfair. But... I doubt it, he is so overconfident and cocky in the one video I watched, that it is hard not to judge him the way that I did. Go ahead, I dare any person who is married and has been more than 5 years and has kids to watch the video "Be Her Lover, Not Her Butler" and not totally hate this dude. I feel sorry for the women he tricks into having sex with him.

 

I feel sorry not just for the women but for him too. People with such a sense of grandeur and desire for sex/money/etc are very sad people with a small perspective of life and humanity.

 

Ok... so, I guess if I am gonna hate on Corey Wayne, then, I should have the decency to give my own advice.

Here it goes...

I am guessing (correct me if I am wrong), that the type of people drawn to Corey Wayne are young (15 - 28) and uncertain about how to woo women. They might have even found noFap because they heard that abstaining from PMO will make them more attractive to potential mates. So... my advice is going to be for those people, the people who struggle with finding a mate and are looking for direction.

If you are not beating women off with a stick, it is because you don't have the personality traits and physical attributes that instantly draw woman towards you. Congratulations, you are like 95% of the rest of the male population! Do you really want to be the guy who walks into the bar and turns the head of every woman in the bar? YES PLEASE! I would too. But... that is the shallow part of me that wants that, that is the part of me that I don't want to feed. What do I really want? I want to be married to a woman with the following traits (I encourage you to list what you really want out of a woman):

• A woman who will treat me with respect
• A woman who I will still want to have sex with even though she is 75 years old, harry, and with discolored and leathery skin, because I am in love with her, not her body
• A woman who will raise my kids to treat others with respect
• A woman I can be myself with, who I can cry in front of
• A woman who will support me when I tell her, "I want to quit my job, be poor for a while, so I can start my own business"
• A woman who will stick with me in spite of our financial situation
• A woman who loves me even if she figures out that I am the same old boring dude every single day we wake up next to each other every morning with our stank ass pre-brushing breath, bed hair, and puffy eyes. I want her to not care that I am the same dude every single day even after waking up to the same old boring dude for 50 years (18,200 days). Which by the way, is the opposite of one of Corey Wayne's crappy pieces of advice "Don't talk to your woman all the time on the phone, she will eventually get bored with you", let me tell you something... your wife is going to know every single story from you after the first 5 years, so... thanks for the shit advice Corey Wayne.
• I could go on and on...

So... you are not the guy who walks into a bar and has women flocking to you. Consider yourself lucky, now you don't have to wade through a bunch of insecure woman who are simply looking to feel good for one night, in your attempt to find a good match. You have two paths you can take... (a) maximize how often you get laid and (b) try to find a woman who will be the yin to your yang.

If you choose (a), please stay the hell away from my daughters, if you don't, I will kick your ass.

If you choose (b). Here is my advice in bullet-ed form:

• Learn who you are. Know yourself. The better you know yourself and accept you for who you are, the more confident you will become. If you are addicted to PMO, admit to it, own up to it, be cool with it, and fix it. Being confident doesn't mean you have no weaknesses, it simply means you have a certain sense of surety about who you are. A confident person is willing to stand their ground in an argument. A confident person might be scared of public speaking, but they know it, and will tell someone (politely) to fuck off if they try to force you to publicly speak. Woman and men, both are attracted to confident people. We feel comfortable spending the rest of our lives with someone who is confident. If you are not confident in yourself, we worry about your ability to stick with a relationship. We worry you are an unreliable person.
• Be a happy and hopeful person. Being happy and hopeful doesn't help you find a mate... but, being unhappy and pessimistic blocks you from finding a mate. If you spend all day frowning (or generally have a grumpy look) and saying negative things and thinking negative thoughts, people will avoid you. Potential mates will avoid you. There are a 100 opportunities every week for you to find a mate during the regular comings and goings of the day. If you are happy and hopeful and positive all day, those opportunities might evolve into a relationship.
• Get out of the house and find things you can do that will surround you with like minded women. The bar is a great place to find your future ex-wife (as my divorced friends will attest). Why not try volunteering, church, a local club, etc. Do not go to those events looking for a girlfriend, go, because you are interested, and be a generally happy and positive dude, the rest will work itself out. One day, you will notice a girl keeps finding reasons to talk to you, she keeps looking at you, and... guess what?, you've got her.
• Be yourself. Use your weaknesses to weed out the shitty mates. Don't sabotage a long term relationship by starting the relationship on false pretenses.
• Show a desire and a willingness to improve yourself. Even if you are out of shape, or, you have a job you are not excited about, show your future mate you are determined to improve yourself. Don't tell her, just let her learn on her own, by doing things that show you are dedicated to being an awesome person and an awesome partner.

Having said all of that, some people are just weird and awkward, maybe even ugly as sin. Or somewhere near the bottom of the spectrum with regards to being found attractive by the general population. That is normal, an entire 50% of the population is ugly compared to the other 50% of the population. All this means is that it might take you longer to find someone, but, there are so many women out there, that I guarantee you will find your mate if you stay positive and keep trying. Just live your life, be positive, be socially active, and be open to love. The rest will happen on its own.

 

MrMom you are one hundred percent spot on in that post. High five! : D

 

YES!! @MrMomandAddicted I am so glad you gave this advice. Pure genius and so so so important!!

You need to start a dating blog asap.

 

Just be yourself... If I had a dollar for every time I heard that phrase...

 

It's so funny that every single person on this forum who is actually in a relationship says this and every single person on this forum who is in a relationship did this to find their SO.

Just an observation....

 

I do not deny this fact and I firmly believe that "being yourself" is important, not only when it comes to relationships, but also in life in general. Maybe it's just me, but it's a tad frustrating when someone comes along and says "just be yourself" though. We dedicate our lives to change and self improvement and at the end of the day, the apparent take away is "be yourself". It just seems like very hollow advice to me.

I don't know why you're hating so much on Corey Wayne @MrMomandAddicted . It seems like you have developed an opinion of him after watching just one of his videos. I would say that one of his best videos is this one (as given below). It seems that you have taken this quote out of context. The thought process behind avoiding lengthy phone conversations is to minimise time spent using one or two dimensional media to interact with a potential partner. That is, media that does not involve face to face contact. The logic is to get guys to avoid having something to hide behind (the phone or worse, a computer screen) in order to interact with women. In a dating situation, if you're talking so much over the phone, what will you talk about in real life?

While I appreciate your advice (your advice for part (b) is great and is basically the same as what Corey Wayne encourages), it is not easy for many guys to just be happy. Personally, I don't consider happiness to be a choice, rather a consequence of your current situation. For me, advice that hinges around being happy lacks empathy towards the person the advice is directed at (even if it may be the brutal reality). That is why I like Corey Wayne's advice and videos, because he connects with people and offers them specific, pro-active advice rather than simply: to be oneself or to be happy.

 

@NoBrainer, you are correct that the video you posted takes a better tone. But... Corey's problem still exists. This video, like the last, was all about making the man in the relationship happy. Not once did he mention that your hope in a marriage is that both you and your wife can love each other fully and put aside your personal desires to fulfill the other person's desires. As a matter of fact, he tell you not to do that. AND, I don't think he mentioned the word "Love" once in the entire video. Why? Because, he is not teaching you how to find love. He is teaching you how to find a woman who to talk too and have sex with.

As I said before... most of Corey's advice will work. Some of his advice is good for a long term loving relationship and the rest of his advice is will ruin your chances at a long term relationship. Even the guy who wrote the letter Corey was reading kept referring to how proud he was of the fact that he had 3 women chasing him and he was gonna have a hard time fitting in the 4th woman. Corey taught this guy how to be an "Alpha" male, not a man who wants to share his entire life with the same woman. He is teaching you how to take woman, not how to love them.

The bottom line is that Corey Wayne is a misogynist. It is obvious in both videos that he views woman as something to be conquered. I feel sorry for any woman who stays married to a man for 30 years who feels that way about woman. They would never be able to truly relate and share their feelings with that person. You would not be sharing your life with that person, you would be living separate lives with some dating and sex in between. Sure, that kind of relationship can work, but, in the long run, especially if you had kids, that relationship would suck.

 

I had to cut my previous post short. Here is the rest.

A lot of Corey Wayne's advice is great advice. For example...

• Be confident
• Find a job that makes you happy
• Don't be a pussy ass bitch to your partner (i.e. don't be weak and allow your SO to run you over)

I agree with all 3 of those pieces of advice.

Even though some of his advice is great, some of it is complete nonsense. You should focus on Corey Wayne's overall message. His overall message is that men should take all of the control of the relationship. His message is that woman want a man who takes control. And that message is great if you want to have a lot of short term relationships, but, the message is horrible if you want a long lasting relationship.

One horrible persona a man can have in a relationship is that of the "pussy ass bitch". The other side of that coin is the domineering man, the one who only cares about himself. The answer lies in finding a balance between the two.

In my life, I am surrounded by about 20 older couples who have been married for more than 30 years. Most of those couples love each other. They share their lives with each other, they do things for each other that the Corey Wayne's of the world would consider pussy ass bitch things.

A red flag should go up in your mind when "one of his best videos" has advice from a divorced dude who is giddy about dating 3 woman at the same time and advice from a guy who has not experienced a successful long term marriage.

Having said all of this... there is an entirely different worldview on this topic (that I obviously don't agree with). There is a growing portion of society that has given up on the concept of long term monogamous relationships. Corey Wayne might be one of these people.

I want to respond directly to some of your comments...

This does not make sense. "Being yourself" does not mean you should stop trying to improve yourself. Corey Wayne seems to want people to change themselves into the "Alpha" male. But... then he describes the "Alpha" male as an overly confident dick who only cares about himself. He describes an "Alpha" male as a man who doesn't care if his woman leaves him because he upheld his responsibilities in the relationship.

I remember a point in my life where I decided to stop caring about what others thought. I was one happy and content dude. I thought I had finally found the secret to my own happiness. Anyone could insult me and I didn't care. In reality, I had shut myself off emotionally from those around me, I became self absorbed. It wasn't until a girl I whom I respected because she was such a nice person came out and told me "You used to be so nice, what changed?", that I realized I was wrong.

I agree with the advice that we should spend more time having interpersonal relationship with people in person. My hangup with Corey Wayne was not on the actual advice, it was his explanation for why it was good advice. His explanation was that we should be worried about telling our partner too much about ourselves because we would run out of things to talk about. That explanation is obviously coming from someone who has not been married for a long time and doesn't know what they are talking about. At some point in your marriage you will come to accept that you know almost everything about your partner. Some couples spend hours enjoying each other's presence without talking because everything has already been said. This behavior only increases as you get older and your lives become boring because your body hurts too much to leave the house too much.

I agree. Being happy is difficult. And... just saying "be happy" is not very helpful. I think Corey Wayne has some good advice about how to be happy. But... he has shit advice on how to be in a loving relationship. I would love to provide you with an alternative to Corey Wayne, but, I can't think of any off of the top of my head. Maybe others reading this thread have some links.

We are all on a journey to find peace in our lives, some people would say that peace and happiness are always fleeting, so, we should revel in the journey. I wish you luck on your journey @NoBrainer.

 

Exactly. You can be the most "be yourself" guy on the planet and have all those wonderful qualities girls should be attracted to, while having zero success rate. If you don't have the tools, you can just hope that someday, somewhere in the future, somebody will somehow like you enough to be with you for some period. If you have the tools, you have the choice. You can feel free to do what you want with them - either simply get laid and be ok with that or attract that cutie you have had crush on since high school and enter a relationship with her.

Is it worth congratulating for? I'd much rather be in the top 5% than be like 95% others.

Just be yourself ~ 95% of the male population

This is the most bullshit phrase I've ever heard, even better in combo with: "Please never change and always be like you're now." as birthday wishes. IMO, in the beginning it might have been quite a quality advice, but nowadays people just use it to put others down. They don't want to work on themselves, so they say it so others won't become better than them. I don't blame those people, often they don't do it consciously. It's a part of world we've been raised in. It's today's world.

Who I'm is who I'm today, not who I'll be tomorrow. ~ Krzysztof Krause

But well, it's a mindset of those 5%. And it's great - everyone can do what they want. Those who want to hear: don't be content with who you're today, be content with who you will become. Remember to have fun on your way too, life is too ridiculous to be serious all the time Don't beat yourself for not being perfect yet. You will porbably never be, same with me. Enjoy the journey.

@edit. "Be yourself" can be also good, when understood as "Be yourself in the moment", not as a life motto. When you go out be aware of the knowledge you've aquired and use it, but above all - just feel comfortable.

 

Did you read my post? (I don't blame you if you didn't, because I am long winded) "Just being yourself" does not mean you should never change. It means, be who you are now, not a fake person, not someone who pretends they have supreme confidence when they don't.

I wrote this in my previous post...

So... I don't understand why my claim that you should be yourself means you should not improve yourself.

And your comment below is exactly the problem with Corey Wayne thinking...

What about the woman... what if she is not a good fit for you. I guess you don't care, because, "you have the choice", you have the tools to make her yours and "simply get laid" without having to worry about what is best for her, just "do what you want with them". Remember that crush you had in highschool? She didn't like you then, but, now she will, because you have the tools to have sex with her too, who cares if she wants it or not, you will just woo her into bed, your newly mastered tools will make it impossible for any woman to resist you.

That is a real crappy way to think about another human being. I hope you don't truly think that way about relationships.

 

My bad. I've only skimmed through "If you choose b.", sorry for that. Although I was generally speaking - everytime when I hear that phrase I gnash my teeth.

My friend, don't think I'm a fool. It's not some kind of magic. In fact, let me tell you a secret: the ultimate tool is not having a tool at all. It's called abundance mentality. And it is extremely powerful indeed.

I could explain this to you, but it has already been excelently done:

"We can’t control women. Women are going to live the lives they want, date the men they want, fuck the men they want, marry the men they want, cheat on the guys they want to cheat on, divorce the guys they want to divorce, and live completely normal and happy lives with guys – or live completely normal and happy lives without guys -- and do exactly as they please, whenever and however they want. And they should. Women have the right to do whatever they want with their lives, and to pursue whatever kind of happiness they want, however they want to go about it.

You can’t control a woman, nor should you try. All you can control is yourself. You can choose to become physically fit, you can choose to become professionally successful, you can choose to become socially apt and well-connected, you can choose to learn useful skills, you can choose to pursue interesting hobbies – you can choose to live a fulfilling life, all on your own, with or without women.

You can’t control her. Focus on yourself. Become fit, successful, social, skilled, and interesting. Raise your own value and don’t worry about her at all. Live your own fulfilling life independent of her. She’ll either come around, or she won’t. If she does, great. If she doesn’t, any number of other women will want to be with you now that you’ve focused on your own life. Don’t worry about controlling her. Just focus on you." ~ Archwinger

Ps. I've just googled Corey Wayne. Those PUA guys are just fine if you use thier advice to wake up to abundance, especially that a vast majority know what they're saying.

A guy who teaches how to give women what they want is a misogynist? I guess he is also a manipulative creep incapable of showing love.

 

@Verhart, I can see I am going to have a take a different approach to this. First though, I want to respond to this coment...

My apologies, I had assumed you (@Verhart) were a fan of Corey Wayne. If you watch his relationship related videos, you will quickly see what I mean about him being a misogynist. He usually refers to women as a people who get in the way, who have to be dealt with, whose only redeeming qualities are their good looks and ability to provide men with sexual relief.

As for your quote from "Archwinger", the entire quote is self centered, and living a life for yourself and about yourself, aint no life at all.

In my own life, I have become aware of different levels of awareness. I had to ascend from each to reach the next plateau in my the world around me.

Level 0: Ignorance is bliss. We all lived this way for most of our childhood. And... unfortunately, some people live this way their entire lives. Alcoholics drink to get back to level 0.
Level 1: Find love and acceptance with the world by pleasing those around me. Pleasing my father, my boss, my wife, etc. I lived this life for years, and, I still go back to this behavior sometimes when I am not feeling very confident in myself. This behavior stemmed from a lack of confidence in myself. Level 1 sucks, you give and give and give expecting something in return, but, more often then not, you are disappointed.
Level 2: Looking inward to find your own happiness. Do what you want, take what you want, the world is yours for the taking. This is a liberating place to be. Level 2 thinking inspires me to read books to better myself, inspires me to ride my bike 100 miles in a day. Level 2 is awesome.
Level 3: Live your life for others. While seemingly similar to level 1, it is an extremely different mindset. You give and don't expect much of anything in return. You realize that the happiness and fulfillment you experienced in Level 2 is the tip of the iceberg. You realize that a more true fulfillment comes from helping others find happiness.
Level 4: I don't know what level 4 is. But, I think it exists. I have seen and heard people refer to the idea of moving past the need to be happy. That happiness in and of itself should not be a goal.
Level 5: Maybe it exists, I have no idea, but, I hope to get to Level 4 and master it, so maybe I can learn about level 5.

Your statement and the quote from Archwinger seem to focus and revel in "Level 2" thinking. A good marriage thrives at Level 3. Many marriages start while one or both of the couples spend most of their time doing "Level 1" behaviors.

I encourage you to look to the greats for your inspiration, not some dude you found on the internet (including myself). Read about Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr., the Dalai Lama, etc. Compare how they write and think to your quote from Archwinger. I think you will see a stark difference, a difference that should cause you to question the quality of Archwinger's advice.

 

@MrMomandAddicted

Archwinger's advice is top quality and I won't question it. The problem is, it fits perfectly into what you call "level 2". Even deeper, the problem is, I fit perfectly into what you call "level 2". I might seem harsh, disgusted or even angry, but that is what I'm. I'm disappointed that what I've been tought was a lie. World told me to always be 'level 1' and that in that way I'll be happy. But I wasn't. Hopefully I didn't spend whole my life wondering why it's not working, but I took things into my hands. Here I'm now, level 2 you would say. I'm currently reading 'Meditations', but along with it '48 Laws of Power'. I'm acting rude at times, but I also spend time here to offer my advice. I use my disappointment as a fuel to get better, and hopefully one day the fuel will burn out and I will be further than I've ever been. Then my friend, we may met on what you call 'level 3'.

 

@Verhart. Offering advice on noFap is an example of helping others find happiness. It seems that your journey to further enlightenment has already begun.

 

@Verhart. If you will humor me... here are somethings for you to meditate on.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Existentialism#Authenticity
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Authenticity_(philosophy)

Existentialists strive for Authenticity. Authenticity is defined in wikipedia as...
"In existentialism, authenticity is the degree to which one is true to one's own personality, spirit, or character, despite external pressures; the consciousself is seen as coming to terms with being in a material world and with encountering external forces, pressures and influences which are very different from, and otherthan, itself. A lack of authenticity is considered in existentialism to be bad faith."

"What is meant by authenticity is that in acting, one should act as oneself, not as "one" acts or as "one's genes" or any other essence requires. The authentic act is one that is in accordance with one's freedom."

The idea being that everyone in the world brings a uniqueness to the world. Everyone has their own uniqueness to offer to the world. Yet, the world tends to try to force uniformity upon the masses. It is a struggle for people to hold on to their true self (i.e. be themselves). Likewise, in relationships, you want to find your mate while expressing your true self.

Hopefully you can see through this definition of Authenticity that being one's self and bettering ones self are tangential efforts, in other words, you can be yourself and better yourself at the same time. So... please quit hating on the usage of "be yourself" just because you have a narrow interpretation of the phrase.

And... after i wrote my earlier post, I thought that other people probably think the same way, which caused me to run across "The 7 Levels of Personal Consciousness" by Richard Barrett. Google it

 

Interesting conversation. I just have one thing to add. If you are confused about the advice "be yourself" that means that you don't know yourself. This stands to a lot of guys. Here are some questions that can help you discover yourself.
Who I am? What I'm standing for? Why? What is the thing others want me to be but sounds foreign to me? What is the thing I'd like but sounds foreign to others? Why? What do I want to do in life? Why? What are my basic morals, and guidelines? Why?
This is not easy, took me a few years to figure it out. This is what it'd look like if I'd answer these questions.
-Who am I?
-I'm an adopted son of God, a forgiven sinner, an heir of heaven, made in the image of the Creator.
-What am I standing for?
-I stand for the morals and behaviors stated in the Bible, lived perfectly out by Jesus.
-Why?
-Because I found convincing evidence about the truth of Christianity
-What others want me to do but I don't?
-They want me to live by my temptations, but I think they lead me to destruction.
-What I want to do, but others oppose it?
-For example wait with sex until I get married.
-Why?
-Because based on my previous experiences, casual sex is hollow and undesirable.
-What do I want to do in life? What is my life goal?
-To be as holy as possible, and defend the way that leads to Christ and salvation
-Why?
- Because I'm convinced that this is how I'll benefit the world most.
-What are my basic morals and guidelines?
-To be like Jesus. To love my neighbor as I love myself, without compromising by beliefs.
-Why?
-Because I believe in the Bible...

..and so on, you get the idea. I found my way in Christianity, but that's not for everyone of course. Still, you have to give a definite answer to these questions and stick to them, because this is your identity. This is how you can be "yourself". So make sure that whatever answers you choose, choose them wisely, because they will dictate your whole life.