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Should I tell my girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Tijn, Mar 4, 2019.

  1. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    So I recently started my own NoFap journey and it has not been going well.
    For example I don't PMO for a couple of days, and then i'll PMO a couple of days in a row (twice today.. I know)
    This is pretty much my sexual behaviour since my sexual life began and i'm just stuck in the same spot.
    Now recently I have been thinking about telling my girlfriend about my struggles, so that it might help me beat this demon, but i'm divided.
    On the one hand, I know that my behaviour is sometimes compulsive and addict-like and it bothers me. On the other, in compariaon to some people on here, my situation is not nearly as bad (no disrespect, I appreciate all the stories it helps me out alot)
    So finally my question is: is it worth telling my gf? We live together and have been in a stable relationship for 2+ years so she kinda deserves to know. But then again i'm afraid that she might tell someone by accident when having a drink or something.. And I DO NOT want that to happen.
    Advice would be helpfull, thanks in advance.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2019
  2. You definitely need to tell her. I'd bet she already knows something is going on even if she doesn't know specifically. As you said, she deserves to know. It can only help to have her support. Do the right thing, and tell her. Otherwise, she'll be telling someone about your PIED problem that eventually develops from PMO....if it hasn't already.

    If it's bad enough now to bother you, why wait until the problem gets worse? Don't rationalize by comparing your issue to others'. There will probably always be someone out there whose situation is worse than your own, but that does not mean yours isn't severe enough to be addressed.
     
  3. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Hi thank you for your reply.
    No luckily I have not developed PIED problems but I see where you are coming from.
    And to your point that she already knows that something is going on: I'm not so sure about that, i'm pretty good at hiding stuff but maybe you're right. I guess I will find out once I tell her... Not looking forward to it.
    I'll tell her tonight and start counting my reboot tomorrow.
    Once again thank you for the reply, I hope you're doing well and I keep this thread updated.
     
    Butterfly1988 and hope4healing like this.
  4. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Yeah so I just told my Girlfriend, yesterday I did not get the chance because she was tired and went to bed early.
    She appreciated my honesty, and altough I don't think she fully understands the porn addiction part and how deep it can go, she definitely understands that it's a problem that i'm dealing with and that it needs to be addressed.
    We also talked about the potential problems that P addiction can bring and that it, in my case, needs to be avoided now that it still can be avoided. Finally I also told her that my P consumption and my sex life with her are two seperate things (wich they are) and that I don't watch P because i'm not happy with her or something like that, she was very relieved when I told her this.
    So yeah that's it. I'm now 24h+ P free and my goal is to best my 2week record, I may keep this thread up to date from time to time, and if anyone feels they want to add something feel free to do so.
    Stay safe
     
  5. It's so much harder when an SO discovers the problem on their own so I think it's great that you were honest with her. It's very likely that she really doesn't understand PA or its seriousness...right now. I'm sure she will learn more about it as you work towards recovery, and the time may come when she has a lot of questions. If so, please understand how important it is to answer them honestly and without any defensiveness.

    This is another important part...good for you for including that. However, there is still the possibility that, at some point, she may begin to question herself, and that is normal. I would say most SO's do that to some extent. Just reassure her, and let her be a part of your recovery support at whatever level she feels comfortable. By that I mean, if she wants to know about times you're struggling, then tell her. If she only wants to know about resets/relapses, only tell her about those. Ask her what she wants as far as this process goes.

    Have you thought about journaling while you work on recovery? It's been very helpful for many PA's and SO's to have a place to put down their thoughts. And, sometimes it helps to be able to go back and read where you were a month or two ago or even six months or longer. It can make it easier to see your progress. Just something to think about.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  6. Tiger1

    Tiger1 Fapstronaut

    I give you thumbs up for doing g the right thing and telling your girlfriend....it's so good to know that yiu have her support, You got this!!!!
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  7. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    I kinda use these forums and my own posts and conversations on here as a journal. That already helps out alot
     
    hope4healing and Tiger1 like this.
  8. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Thank you :)
     
    Tiger1 likes this.
  9. Tiger1

    Tiger1 Fapstronaut

    No problem bud
     
  10. I think the most cherished thing in a relationship is to be honest with one another. I think perhaps, maybe if you do tell her, there could be a wonderful reaction that could be the opposite of what you expect!
    To be vulnerable before your lover and to ask her for forgiveness or advice is a deep sign of humility, and I think if you do tell her, it's the practicing and the making of a beautiful relationship.
    I know it's hard to tell others about problems that include sexual shortcomings but I believe if you approach her with an honest heart, there'll be a beneficial moment where she understands what you're going through, and even better, gives you her support!
    That's a healthy relationship!
     
  11. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    Be honest bro, it will help you guys connect even more and I know the shame you feel. I had to man up and talk to my mother and sister about this situation even though I'm a grown ass man. Good luck, it always helps to get real life support.
     
    Tijn likes this.
  12. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Alright i'm 14 days porn free now and counting. This reboot seems a little easier and me telling my girlfriend is I think the biggest reason for that.
    I did Masturbate once during these 14 days (without P and i'm not bothered by it) and had sex twice, so I already had more Sex then I did M and that for me is a rare thing indeed haha.
    So yeah once again thanks to all of you for the advice and the nice comments, and hopefully my next post here is going to be the one about my first porn free Month! :)
     
    RedeemedIowan and hope4healing like this.
  13. Keep improving. And good work on opening up to your gf.
     
    hope4healing and Butterfly1988 like this.
  14. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    Reset...
    Yeah so my girl had something to do last night so she went out of town, I also had plans myself visiting a friend but that was cancelled last minute so I ended up drinking and smoking weed at home by myself.
    Now you guys probably think that at this point I gave in, however this was not the case but it has been the start of the relapse I think.
    Normally I go to the gym at Sunday mornings but because of the choices I made last night I woke up kinda late and ended up on the couch watching UFC. What I should have done is go to the gym anyway but i'm really lazy today, so after watching UFC I just sat here with plenty to do but also being really bored.. And that's when I gave in.
    Stupid I know, good reminder to myself that I really need to stay busy the coming months. Because when I give myself some time off this shit happens and i'm sooo sick of myself for letting it happen again.
    I did not even enjoy it to make matters worse so i'm pretty frustrated right now, and I also need to tell my girl once she comes home so all and all the situation just sucks,
    Tommorow would have been week 3 of no porn aswell so yeah.. I know it can be done but sadly I have to start counting the days again.
    I hope you guys made better choices this weekend.
    Stay safe.
     
  15. New Man by Spring

    New Man by Spring Fapstronaut

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    Hey there. I just wanted to give you a couple things to think about. First of all. Great job telling your GF. Long story but I started dating my GF and was totally caught off guard when we had sex for the first time. I couldn’t perform at all and it was super embarrassing. Best thing I did, I talked to her about it after I found this site. I explained I was doing a reboot for 3 months. She has been very supportive and asks me once in a while if I “touched it” yet. If you really care about your girlfriend, tell her you are rebooting for her. I am now past 2 months and I can’t believe how much my sex life has changed in that short time. We do have sex about once a week (we only see each other 1 or 2 times a week) and it is mind blowing for me. I have never had orgasms in my life like I do now.
    One huge key for me to keep from relapse is having easy things I can do to distract me from giving in. When I’m starting a moment of weakness, I open my app on my phone to learn Russian. Going to the gym is good but it’s not always practical. I sometimes do push-ups and crunches to distract also. I also remind myself this is for my GF and we will be so much happier without porn ruining my life.
    After two months, my girlfriend has more respect for me for being honest, beating this problem, and making our sex life 100 times better. I pay attention to her needs much more and I realized that PMO has been effecting my sex life since age 12.
    Believe me, the longer you stay away from PMO, the easier it will be to leave that life behind. I still get super turned on sometimes and worry about relapse but I just grab my Russian app and tell myself I’ll see my GF this weekend. So find some easy distractions and don’t get drunk unless she’s around. Hope it helps you!!
     
    Lilla_My, Tijn and 1dayattatime like this.
  16. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    A relationship in which you cannot be honest about your struggles is not a relationship, it is a fantasy. Living a fantasy is going to perpetuate your addiction. It will most certainly hurt her when you tell her, but it will hurt much less than if she finds out you are doing it and lying to her. Personally i think of it this way. If i am going to be in a relationship, then they are going to know me flaws and all. Better to be rejected being who i really am than to be accepted and unable to feel good about it because i know i am being fake.

    At least this is how i intend to live the rest of my life. For most of my life i was too afraid of rejection to be real. A book that helped me is the gifts of imperfection by Brene Brown.
     
    Butterfly1988, Tijn and Faceplanter like this.
  17. CPT Shadow

    CPT Shadow Fapstronaut

    I just want to say that your honesty, both with yourself and with your gf, are truly commendable and are things you should be proud of. I'm relieved that it sounds like she has been supportive, and I think your approach of staying busy is one that many have found to be successful. Based on my own experience, drinking and smoking weed have also corresponded to resets for me as well, particularly when done alone, since that tends to erode my discipline and self image. This may not be how you feel at all, but just thought I would share my 2 cents in case it resonates. Also, something that helps me a bit is that I treat this PMO issue like I'm a scientist studying myself and the effects of giving it up, and it helps me to stay a bit more removed when observing what works, what doesn't, and the effects of it all. It sounds like you're frustrated and beating yourself up a bit, but remember that there's a reason why there's an entire community of people on here who struggle, so hang in there and keep hitting the gym bro.
     
    Tijn likes this.
  18. Don‘t be too harsh with yourself. You made the right decisions before (starting to adress the issue, telling your GF), now you made a mistake. Pick yourself up, head high and try again. Or as S. Beckett said: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.” It’s all a process and I am sure next time when boredom hits you, you will react better.

    Always remind yourself, why you are doing all this: to have a better life for you and your GF afterwards.
     
    Tijn likes this.
  19. 1dayattatime

    1dayattatime Fapstronaut

    I toally made the mistake of replying to your first post withiut reading all of your msgs in this thread. Sorry about that. You are doing awesome man. Keep up the honesty and you will become the man you want to be. I feel like i have made every possible mistake in my relationship and in recovery. But i dont give up, i look forwqrd to seeing how your story unfolds. Do yourself a favor and think back through your reset and what emotions you were feeling that led you down that road. I see some depression and shame from not going to the gym possibly?
     
    Tijn likes this.
  20. Tijn

    Tijn Fapstronaut

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    It's not skipping the gym but more the choices I keep making that always lead me down the same path. I'm passed the shame but yeah it can be pretty depressing.
     

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