Should I stay with him?. UPDATE 6/26/19

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Proveyourlove07, May 24, 2019.

  1. Proveyourlove07

    Proveyourlove07 Fapstronaut

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    so I’m 23 and my boyfriend is almost 24. We’ve been together for almost a year and I initially thought he was amazing but he started criticizing my appearance even though I’m fairly attractive, comparing my body to other women he’s slept with/ seen even though he knows I have an eating disorder. And I found out 2 days ago that he has an EXTREME porn addiction, and because of it, he has actually cheated on me, and raped me. He has a tinder, gets nudes etc from Snapchat, I looked at his Instagram likes and it’s just porn and girls from tinder and has been unfaithful in general. I’m hurt about this since I just moved in with him 2 weeks ago. I suspected he had a porn addiction because he’s so young but experiencing what I think is erectile dysfunction, he’s even tried to initiate sex and could finish so he snuck away to watch porn. He’s even initiated sex and not looked at me once and focused on the tv. I feel sad that he’d rather look at porn than be intimate and when he does it’s only him focusing on his own pleasure, and he refuses to even hug or kiss me afterwards. I felt humiliated and unwanted. He’s also been verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling because he knows that other people find me attractive so he makes hurtful comments to lower my self esteem. Recently I tried to ask for permission to apply for jobs on his laptop and he lashed out on me so I thought that was suspicious and a girl he talked to on tinder reached out to me and sent my screenshots of him positioning her for sex etc, receiving nudes, talking poorly about me, and multiple coworkers and other girls reached out. I also have screenshots of the porn on his phone he’s also saved all of my nudes without my permission. he finally admitted he has a porn addiction, we went through his computer and some of the stuff there is so horrible I can’t even mention it, and he told me the reason for this is that he was molested. He recently signed up for therapy and deleted social media and gave me permission to look at the browser history, is there hope or should I run? I love him to death but now my own mental health is suffering because of the infidelity, compulsive lying, and porn addiction. I don’t even know how to support him, he genuinely says he wants to change but I’m scared that he’ll just fall back off the wagon———————————————————————update June 26 2019. So I foolishly decided to stay; because he asked for 1 month to show me some significant change. And because he manipulated me into losing my apartment and being disowned because he disrespected my family, so if I would’ve left him I would have been homeless. He’s been going to therapy consistently but for the month the lies continued and he got put on a new medicine and started becoming physically abusive also. Things escalated to the point that he strangled me, and his therapist says we have codependency issues. (Because I stayed). For the last 2 weeks the lying has stopped, and the physical and verbal abuse, After that for the most part things have been improving, and he hasn’t watched porn in 20 days, but the controlling behavior is still somewhat there. I still worry though. After I found out he was a porn addict I also found out he has a racial fetish for Asian women specifically which not only is wrong but is also alarming to me considering I’m African American and he is Latino. After I discovered that he also said that porn changed what he was attracted to and insinuated I was ugly which was shocking since I’ve never been called ugly by anyone else in my life. In fact anytime we leave the house together people compliment me. Now I feel as though I’ll never compare to his “Asian dreamgirl” , I feel as though if he had the opportunity to, he’d cheat again. Since apparently he not only finds me unattractive in real life but there’s no place for women that look like me in his fantasy either. But I’m trying to work on trusting him more.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2019
    need4realchg likes this.
  2. Grow_out_of_it

    Grow_out_of_it Fapstronaut

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    If you really mean this and he also feels the same way about you I think you should stay and give him a chance if improvement. But otherwise your health should be your priority and you know what they say its better to be not in a relationship rather than being in a toxic one. I hope you get what you are looking for.
    Good luck :)
     
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  3. Boskiman

    Boskiman Fapstronaut

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    If he says he wants to change give him a chance, and see what happens. If he continues being as he was before then just quit him and search for other man, no more, as for sure you will find a man that will love you anyways.
     
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  4. Proveyourlove07

    Proveyourlove07 Fapstronaut

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  5. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

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    What you said he did is pretty serious. I all for giving second chances and forgiving but it seems to me he has done you a lot of harm. Just like he needs to heal from his issues, you need to heal from your the pain he caused you. It might be a good idea to work on it each of you on your own. If you do decide to stay together, you have to realize that it’s going to be extremely difficult because both of you are in a place where you can’t help each other out. That’s my opinion of course. Best of luck for you two! If it’s meant to be then it will be.
     
  6. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry you're going through this. First if he has physically cheated you should go get yourself checked for STDs.
    The way he treated you is abusive, make sure you take care of yourself first. Do not let it continue. This is very hard to go through as is. I don't know if staying or leaving is best, I struggle with that choice too. It may all work out, or he may give up and give in. Either way it is going to be work and there will be pain. Therapy is a good first step, you could also go find a therapist of your own. Many people find it helpful. Also look into accountability software. History can be deleted, but accountability software logs everything.
     
  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    First, I'm sorry you're in this mess. As with many of us, you were in it before you even knew about it, and that sucks. But, you have the opportunity to get out before you're in deeper...marriage, children, etc.
    This is the most troubling thing you said, IMO. I understand that traumatic events in people's lives affect them. But, just because he was molested does not mean he has the right to treat you like crap or rape you.

    I am generally for giving second chances, but if you choose to do that, I would proceed very cautiously. All the things you described about him scream danger and narcissism as far as being in a relationship with him. It's up to you whether you give him the opportunity to change or not, but please know that it is going to take A LOT of work for him to fix all his stuff, and it's almost certain that you will be hurt and further damaged in the process. As someone who's been dealing with this for 25 years, I would say it isn't worth the pain to continue in this situation. I'm sorry you're hurting. You deserve so much better than this.
     
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    I sent you an invite for the private group strictly for SO's of PA's if you'd like to join.
     
    Proveyourlove07 likes this.
  9. Eleanor

    Eleanor Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    As a female literotica addict I would say: run for your life. I'm not an example to follow, but at least I haven't hurt anybody, not at that level at least. You can get in biiiiig trouble, and he doesn't sound like he wants to quit. He doesn't love you, period! When you love someone you don't demerit him, you don't violent him, even if you have any psychological problem. I just don't think it's going to make you any good, but suit yourself. Good luck!
     
  10. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine when you choose to share it it breaks you into pieces trying to figure out how to deal with multiple layers of pain , lies, unfaithfulness, potential of std , and living with them.

    I think your question is valid and honestly I am always impressed by what we do when we love or feel love. I encourage you to learn about the trials that loving an addict will mean for you if you choose to continue. Getting informed leads to making an informed decision.

    As for your partner; I think it’s important you realize that catching an addict in their behavior has nothing to do with recovery. He may regret he was caught but that a separate process from admiting that he even has addiction for himself.

    It seems to me that throwing ppl out when they admit they need help is something many women advocate but few do. I say that more as a stat than as an advocate for kicking addicts out.

    To be honest, you are not needed for him to recover; he needs to face himself if he wants to deal with it.

    As a guy, and an SA and PA; I’d encourage you to have at least one other person you trust involved. I can’t tell from the chat how deep or dangerous things can be. I don’t know if there is any chance for violence and I’m thinking your safety is very important and trumps his treatment.

    I have done all that he has and worse I’d say in terms of commitment ; multiple girlfriends, tindering etc. I have never used force though; I don’t dig the rough or rape-simulation stuff—- It’s the religious part in me deep down somewhere. But no matter what, Please be safe.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2019
    Proveyourlove07 likes this.
  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I'll say it. Get out fast and don't look back.
     
  12. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I pretty much agree with this. You might think you will feel better if you stay and try because you "love him to death", but there is enough bad stuff here that leaving first, loving him from a distance and seeing what happens is completely sound advice.

    I guess I am disagreeing on the "don't look back" part, but really, that work is for YOUR well being and if you can leave without looking back that is totally OK too.
     
  13. ItsYaBoy

    ItsYaBoy Fapstronaut

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    this is how i personally see this. i think you should end it. if he is in a relationship with you why is he talking to other girls and asking for nudes, sex etc. if he is emotionally abusing u get the fuck out. why would u want to feel like shit because he wants to have a good life. he should know that in a relationship both need to be happy and what i see it as is he is happy and u are suffering.

    i think he has been caught and he realized how much u know about how he has been treating u and how he is cheating on you etc. (also having tinder?) and now he is just trying to sort it out so u dont worry or leave him but very well might just be a cover-up so that he can return to doing this stuff.

    He said he was molested as a kid, which can have impact on his life severly but if ur not happy then why are u going to put up with his shit. i think at least have a break but make sure he knows that he can reach out to u for help if he needs it but i personally think a break would allow him to see what he is missing out on and if he wants he can come back into ur life but having a look at the stuff he is doing its not good and u can find somebody else who appreciates a relationship and not abuse it
     
    Proveyourlove07 likes this.
  14. LostHopeWife

    LostHopeWife Fapstronaut

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    I would leave if I were you.
    100% leave for your own mental health. People don’t change overnight. Unless you're prepared for a loooong journey of tears and step backs and lies, leave.
     
  15. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    I cannot believe anyone here has given advice to stay with him! Get away from this guy, I am genuinely concerned for your physical and mental wellbeing.

    WTF!?!?!? Was this not enough of a reason?!?!?!

    This sounds like the start of a controlling abusive relationship. Don't let this man ruin your life.

    If you can safely find a way to delete these I would - he sounds like the kind of guy who would blackmail you to stay with this. I.e. by threatening to post them online or something.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
  16. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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    @Proveyourlove07

    I am relieved you logged back in to see this comment. Hope everything works out for you.
     
    Proveyourlove07 likes this.
  17. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I have been thinking about you after reading your post. I really hope you are taking care of yourself!! The healthy thing for you to do is leave him. Please give us an update soon!
     
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  18. Fightyourlowerself

    Fightyourlowerself Fapstronaut

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  19. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    This is not even close to being OK. Best case scenario, think of him as suffering from a severe mental illness where he isn't fully in control of his own actions. Worst case is... Worse.

    Seriously, for what it's worth. I think you need to get some physical distance as a bare minimum just to keep yourself safe. You can worry about the fallout when you're able to look at this with a bit more perspective. What you have described is pretty damn abusive behavior. It's not normal, and it's not acceptable. You shouldn't have to just put up with it.
     
    Proveyourlove07 likes this.
  20. Proveyourlove07

    Proveyourlove07 Fapstronaut

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    I foolishly decided to stay and things escalated to the point that he strangled me.
     

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