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Should I marry a porn addict in denial?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by hopefull85, Sep 23, 2018.

  1. hopefull85

    hopefull85 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    Not sure if anyone will read this or not...but here goes...
    I am engaged to a great guy who I love dearly. However, I have found out that he has a porn addiction. The worse thing is, is that he absolutely refuses to even acknowledge that its a problem.
    I first started to think there might be something wrong when he would struggle to sustain an erection, and found it very difficult to reach orgasm when we had sex. This was obviously a very touchy subject and he just told me that this was a problem he had always had. It got to the point where i said 'hey you know theres this thing where guys watch lots of porn and it affects them sexually', anyway he just shut me down. This was about a year ago. I managed to convince myself that it wasn't a problem and tried to forget about it. Now we are a year away from getting married and I've discovered that he watches porn every single day and he is watching porn with themes of incest/coersion....
    I am seriously worried as I think if this is what he is watching now, what will he be watching in 10 years? When I tried to talk to him about it he said its because we don't live together/he doesn't see me enough and that when we do he won't need to watch porn. I feel that he shifting the blame rather than taking responsibility. I sent him links to some videos that explain the effect that porn has on the brain but he refused to watch them. Ive told him 'I love you and we can work on this together'. I am worried that I could marry him and have years and years of frustration, anger and betrayal. Help I don't know what to do
     
    hardowner and FearMyDiscipline like this.
  2. Jason_Tesla_19

    Jason_Tesla_19 Fapstronaut

    Short answer: No.

    Not so short answer: This isn't a good idea. PIED is a serious red flag. It would be bad enough if he wasn't in denial, but his problems are likely to get worse. You're already dissatisfied with your sex life, and it's likely to get worse. PA's are likely to neglect you sexually and emotionally. Talk to some SOs like @Kenzi and @AnonymousAnnaXOXO and read some SO journals!
     
  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    No . No . No !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A million times NO FREAKING WAY NO .

    Not UNLESS In the VERY near future does he address it . I dealt with my husbands PIED for over a decade now . Not so much the last year because he’s no PMO . That’s just the PHYSICAL part that will affect YOU . The emotional part will come out of nowhere . You will have a distracted roommate , a hot and cold one at that . ( general statement from my experiences and others I’ve read ) I am not saying don’t marry him , I’m saying a big YET . Maybe start slow with some material that you can email him ? Would he come on here ? There are lots of PA on here that you both could learn from and for you especially there are so many loving , kind and supportive SO on here so keep reaching out ! Xoxo
     
    Numb, Nugget9, hardowner and 6 others like this.
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is gaslighting.
    It's a form of abuse.
    If he's refused to address it and isn't being with you, commited to you 100%... Why are you agreeing to marry him?
    He's not emotionally invested.
    He's not mentally available.
    He's not physically capable.

    And as long as he is a addict... He's not able to love you.
    No matter how much you love him or think he loves you, as long as he's a addict...
    A addict can only love his addiction.
    He has no room for you.
    No empathy, no capacity, no capabilities to love anything or anyone else.
    He only knows addiction.
    The PIED is evidence of this quite clearly.
    My husband suffered PIED for years.
    I know this well.
    And addiction?
    I know of addiction well too.
    I wish you the best.
    You can't help those who don't want to be helped...
    However what you allow will continue.
    Please take care of yourself.
    Good luck
    -Kenzi
     
  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    No. No. No. No. NO! Run as fast as you can. You are setting yourself up for a long, long, road of hurt. No one should start out a marriage like this.
     
  7. I have to agree with what the other SO's are saying. Marrying him while he is an active PA (especially one in denial) is just asking for a lifetime full of heartwrenching pain and will only continue getting worse as time goes on. I have been with my PA husband for about 25 years. He has also been one to deny, deny, deny. We have dealt with PIED for years. I can tell you with no uncertainty, if your bf doesn't want to acknowledge his addiction and make serious steps towards recovery before you marry him, you will likely live forever with pain and regret as it will never get better until he does. Don't make the same mistake so many others have made. When you move in together, that WILL NOT change his addictive behavior. He'll just become better at lying, hiding, and deceiving. Addiction doesn't go away because you move in with someone.

    Please put yourself first and save yourself from getting into the situation too many of us are already in. Wait until he's well into recovery before marrying.
     
    Numb, Jagliana, hardowner and 5 others like this.
  8. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Knowing what I know now, I would not.
     
  9. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

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    It might not just be what he's watching in a few years' time. It's entirely possible that he will escalate to in-person acting out with other women. Not all PAs do this, but it does happen. Sometimes addicts can get erections with new women even when they have PIED with their partners.

    Another thing to consider, beyond a lack of sex, is that he probably will not be able to father children the "old fashioned way," if you hope to be a mother someday. Fertility treatments are usually much harder on the woman than they are on the man. I'm not sure I'd want to have kids with someone who was a regular viewer of incest porn, even if he could impregnate me.
     
  10. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    I am a porn addict that is recovering. I advise every woman in the world not to marry me before the recovery is done. My advice applies to you as well, for your marriage. Just make clear to him that if no nofap, no wedding...
     
  11. dewdrop

    dewdrop Fapstronaut

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    Usually I never give advice if a person should leave a relationship or not but now... NO, NO, NO!!!!! Run as fast as you can...

    An addict in denial who's watching porn with incest. What if he escalates..?! Do you want to have children with a guy with the risk that he wikk live out his porn dream? Would you ever be able to leave him alone with your children? I would not!

    Besides, when I found out about my fiancees porn addiction three years ago I thougt that we could work this through bc he did admit that he had a problem and that he was addicted. Still there has been a lot of denial from time to time and we have gone through hell. I wish I knew by that time what I know now! I wish I had left! Now it feels as though I have invested so much time and effort and still the addiction stands between us.

    I know that it's not easy to leave a person you love but you have to ask yourself some serious questions. This is not about him, this is about you. What kind of relationship do you wish to have? What kind of father for your children? Can you live with his porn use and the kind of porn he wathes? If you can't, then you have to leave. You are worthie of so much more than to live in an relationship with an addict in denial. And by the way, the addiction will not go away just bc you move together.

    Take care dear :emoji_blue_heart:
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I can say this 100% any and every PA in active recovery says no will say no , those that are not in recovery will say GO FOR It because they have yet to recover and have empathy for their SO . I hope these responses make you feel brave in your decision and not scared . And I LOVE every SO that have responded. Stay on here and share /learn this NOFAP forum has helped my marriage immensely;)
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  13. I can't help myself, my crap is already messed up, but maybe I can help you. Your partner sounds like my husband who is also in denial. Let me tell you what you can expect from a man like that. We're coming up on 24 years married and Everytime I've had something to discuss and wanted to work out, no matter what it pertained to, he was always in denial, nothing ever his fault or his responsibility, nor was he willing to fix anything or do anything to make our lives better. This applies to all areas of our lives. I have heard similar stories from people who's partners are addicted to anything and not in recovery, if they don't get better it really seems hopeless all the way around.
     
  14. No please dont!!!! It took me years to figure out my partner was a porn addict, by this time we already had a child. And thats when things got really bad because he used his porn to deal with the stress of having a family. What was already a relationship-affecting addiction became an all consuming, devastating mess. I left him when our child was 1. I came back two years later to promises. History repeated itself. I left him again in May of this year. Ripped our family in half, again. Because he just couldnt stop and it turned him into an empty shell of a man. Only now is he finally fighting it. It took 9 years of denial, fights, two serious breakups and splitting our family in half twice, and endless, endless heartbreak and crying. It made me me sick from stress and neglect. It led me to develop a masturbation addiction of my own thru having no sexual intimacy and being trapped trying to make love to someone with the emotional and sensual capacity of a rock. And worst of all i lost him, the man i loved, over and over and over again. He was there physically but that was about it. Emotionally, sexually, I was alone, with an occasional glimmer of hope, which then got crushed, every. Single. Time.

    This addiction is no joke.
     
  15. It was genuinely traumatising. Not only that but he wouldn't even touch me or kiss me because it was 'pointless'. Very different and much improved now but even so I couldn't really trust him not to go back to that again. Very sad what it does.
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 and Jennica like this.
  16. hopefull85

    hopefull85 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and reply. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, so I've found much comfort and support in your words.
    Like some replies have said, I think I know the answer to the question I have posted.
    Its just incredibly difficult because I love this man and I had planned a future with him, If we broke up I would be absolutely heartbroken. Half of me is hopeful that he could accept he has a problem, get help/support and give up porn. There would be some bumps along the way but I could deal with that.
    However I have to be realistic and accept that, considering he won't even admit he has a problem, thats looking unlikely. Marriage is a huge deal for me and I won't do it unless I know he is taking steps to recover.
    Once again thanks everyone for making me feel less alone and for sharing your experiences.
     
  17. monkeyseemonkeydo

    monkeyseemonkeydo Fapstronaut

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    The idea that I was going to lose my girlfriend over something stupid like porn didn't sit well with me. If anyone asked us why we broke up, I would have had to reply, "because I chose porn over her." We have been dating for years now and hoping to get married soon. Maybe if he realizes that porn isn't worth losing you over, it will wake him up to his senses.

    Take care. And like @Kenzi said,
    You can't help those who don't want to be helped...
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 and hardowner like this.
  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I would say wait one year of him being clean from PMO and genuinely in recovery (not dry drunking it) before agreeing to marriage and getting married. One year a lot can change, especially if the addict has committed themselves to become a better person. I would postpone the marriage until you know his level of commitment.
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 and Jennica like this.
  19. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    I suspect my husband is, but I’m not entirely sure. He’s admitted he has in the past but says that not now. I foresee years and years of frustion in your future and mine. Your sexlife will be affected and all they do is lie and lie. I think they have to change because they want to! I’m so fed up
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.

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