Should I leave my PMO addicted partner?

As hard as it is I'd rather not drag someone into this ordeal knowingly or unknowingly. If they want to support me as a friend till I'm better then great. Don't blame yourself though.

 

filming unsuspecting women thats creepy as fuck, I don't understand why you give this guys so many chances. You know that saying
"fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

 

Wow! It sounds like you've been through a great deal of emotional turmoil and the question you raise is a valid one, since, after all, it takes two... especially when rebooting with a partner.

I'm not sure, though, that the actual question is whether he "cares about you." At this point, it's not so much that he does or doesn't; it's that we cannot tell. Without PMO addiction, he _could_ be crazy about you. But will you find out while he's so addicted? The issue is that he _is_ addicted and as such unable to have the relationship with you that you so deeply wish for, have sacrificed for, and, of course deserve. It's a tragedy, because true love is inestimably precious. No need, though, to regret your love. Keep it, with all the hurt it brings you, because it is a beautiful thing and even if it makes you suffer, you should wear it with pride and dignity.

But you should _not_ make it the altar on which to sacrifice the rest of your life. Though you've probably already been grieving this relationship for a long time, you clearly still find the idea of moving on hurtful. Yet even moving on, saying "no more," and taking responsibility for your previously enabling actions, stepping up for yourself ... can be (tough but) serenely loving thing to do! It will help you and _can_ help him. He would not be the first PMO addict partner who had to reach "rock bottom" before himself turning things around. You cannot do that for him. If he does, he may be in for a long process. Do you really wish to put your sanity and dignity on hold for an indeterminate additional time of insult, injury, and agony.... perhaps years?

It will be hard on you. I've been through divorce and know its anguish. Besides, you will likely feel conflicted .. at unexpected moments (been there too). But in these matters the preponderance of evidence points to you securing your own integrity and health and self-respect first. I do not mean to belittle the person he truly could be and should be, but accept that that is not the "person" you have been dealing with all this time; you've been in a relationship with a "patient" who must cure himself.

Best of success!

 

@cvicious

I really think you need to get yourself out of this relationship. I looked back at your posts from 2015 and it seems that since then things have got worse, not better. There is no sign at all that he is willing and able to make the effort needed to beat his addiction. He has broken promise after promise to you. You have tried to set boundaries and he has just stepped across them time and time again. His turning the blame on you shows not only how deep he is in the addiction but also how damaging this relationship has become to you. The time has come to look after yourself. At 31 you are still young enough to rebuild your life. You have given this man every chance to be the man you need and deserve and he has failed you again and again. Enough is enough. Take the short term heartbreak and pain of the breakup for your long-term health, well-being and happiness.

I am sorry for your pain. Good luck for the future. May you find the peace, happiness and love that you deserve.

ANH

 

You should do what's better for you

 

Of course @TakeAColdShower is right, but you are asking for our perspectives. There has to be a straw that breaks the camels back. For me it was my wife saying that my porn use was destroying her self confidence and I had to stop or she would have to leave. I am not sure I believed her, but what floored me (and still does) was her look of fear. She loves me more than anything but she was genuinely afraid that I'd choose porn over her. Wow. We've been together since 1983, how on earth did I let her sense of self-worth ebb away to that extent? So I started trying to quit. That was 2010 so it is taking me a long time. Some (not all) of my efforts were genuine and I think (or at least hope) I have finally cracked it.

The other personal experience that seems relevant is my experience of Camcontacts. I loved it. The chance to get to know a woman a bit before watching her undress. How I could chat at length and put her at ease (I think I'm a nice generous hearted guy) and then see just how sexy she looked. And afterwards chat some more. Amazing. But somehow my wife found out. I do not know how, she's not very techy. I have a suspicion that a friend of mine told her. Anyway, however she found out she found out. She said I had to stop. She said that unlike porn this felt like a betrayal because I was actually talking and getting to know real women online for sex (of sorts). And I agreed. Part of what made it so amazing was that extra relationship. I knew in my heart it was being unfaithful, even if I denied it in my head. So eventually I stopped. It was not easy as I sorely missed Camcontacts, and I still do, but I knew it was betrayal.

Bollocks, I've ended up blahing on about me in a thread that's supposed to be about you and your partner – sorry!

What I'd love to find out from your porn addicted partner is what he thinks will be his catalyst to genuinely striving to abstain? The trouble is I cannot ask him. You could, but I sense he is reacting defensively to your questions not with an honest heart. But I would love him to think that question through – what will bring him to the point when he knows he has to walk away from porn, Craigslist, and cam girls?

I was going to say that you will have to be strong if you choose to leave him. But I think in all honesty you will have to be strong if you choose to stay too. Either path in front of you will require your strength.

Perhaps leaving him, even if it just for a year, will prove to him that his usage is hurting you and could cost him his relationship. Then he can decide if he needs to step away from porn and win you back.

 

It's ultimately up to you, as it's your judgement and life.

Personally I would leave him, I can't imagine how hard it must be when someone you love breaks your heart in such a way, and how strong you have to be to put up with this for almost four years as well.

I know when someone is addicted they keep coming back because of how hard it is to quit, but you've given him so many chances for so long. You've even offered to help the guy with support groups and what not and yet he refuses? I don't know him or yourself, but it sounds like he's only interested in one thing, Porn.

Dumping someone can be extremely painful but you have to think of yourself and your needs as they come first. He's already broken your trust as well, I can't believe not only the things he's done but how he went behind your back secretly again...

I'm so sorry this has been going on for so long, it makes me mad how he doesn't care or even want help from you, his own partner.

Stay strong, I'm sure things will get better.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you dont. You stay, you will have to put up with this stuff forever or until he leaves you. You leave, you will go trough pain associated with loneliness, broken heart and guilt.
And I think you know it. Now it is about choosing lesser evil.

Some would say that broken heart would heal overtime. So leaving sounds better. Other thing that might add to decision of leaving is the probability of him leaving you is high. If he doesn't care why would he settle for life with you?

One more thing I would advise is to train your courage and assertiveness. Thats what highly agreeable (nice) people usually struggle with that put them into situations like this. There are many books and videos out there on how to do it.

 

One of my friends who I told about my PMO addiction said one of her former boyfriends had the same problem that she somehow was a trigger for him. Anyway I hope you're feeling better.

 

But is he really aware of the damage he's done to the relationship? The broken trust and the pain he's caused you? It's one thing for him to feel bad about himself but another to be able to truly be empathetic to how you feel in all this.

 

Your wishing or even loving is not the answer in this case, since he's got an intimate relationship with a screen. The best you can do for him -- and first and foremost for you (snap your own oxygen mask on before helping others, as they say on the plane) -- is to remove yourself and make yourself as happy and fulfilled as possible without him, however much you love him. If ever he grows up he'll first clean up and then make real changes that allow him to re-become the person he can be, perhaps... But you cannot wait for that. For now, the relationship is sabotaged through addiction. It's unhealthy to stay. You must live in accordance with your own standards and principles -- even if you have to do it alone. It's a beautiful thing to have loved -- even if for now living apart feels like an impossible thing to have to do. Get support -- preferably professional support -- to help make the change.

Good luck!
(BTW, I corrected some of the language errors in the earlier post.)

 

It’s a case of, the captain of the ship has cancer and tumas in his head and on his balls, and only one leg and a glass eye, you love him but the fact is, he’s sinking blind and taking you with him. Now that’s a shitty analogy but I think u know what I mean. His mind is absolutely consumed with sexual desires, that doesn’t leave any room for you.