Should I get back together with my ex?

It certainly hurts when you lose someone you care about. The best thing you can do is take a step back and look at your relationship with an objective opinion. Take the time to perhaps weigh the pros and cons. Perhaps the addiction is too much for her. Perhaps three years is long enough for her to deal with it. She may have decided that she just isn’t into the relationship, or she found someone new, and can’t quite really tell you the truth. Shame and guilt is an interesting thing. It leads to addictive behavior, lies, and can even lead to betrayal. If she is important to you, and good friend, hopefully you two can remain so, even without a romantic side of the relationship. You never know.

 

Never

 

Sometimes it’s not up to you. If she says it’s over, it’s over. The option to “get back together” isn’t even there anymore. Your two choices are to either move on or stay alone for the rest of your life.

Fix yourself. Work on yourself. Grow as a person. That is the only way your life will be happy. Trust me. I fucked up my own life. I was where you are. You are NOT READY to date again. You are NOT MEANT to be with her. Work on you. Grow. Learn.

 

When I read the title I was expecting you to say she's contacted you wanting to get back together but that you're having serious mental reservations about it. Yet from what you've written it sounds like she wants nothing to do with reigniting your relationship, so you should respect her decision and work on moving forward with your life. Moving on doesn't mean blocking someone out for the rest of your life either. Who knows, maybe by moving on you will grow and heal and then regain some of those qualities which attracted her in the first place? And even if she doesn't come back then you will at least be in a healthier spot to accept love from someone else and vice versa.

 

hey mate, i have two exes and thought the same things as you. "There's nobody like her", "what can i do to get her back" "i miss her" etc. in both cases i found someone new and my thoughts on my ex stopped.

Work on yourself and go out, and you'll meet someone else and stop thinking about your ex.

 

Personally I have found it better to move on...there is someone better.
Unless you can say confidently you are both different people now and can let the past troubles go, you'll just fall back into the same trap.

 

I'm a little skeptical about this, and I think you might want to be a little skeptical of it as well. I don't think good relationships end abruptly unless something very serious happens (like a death, an illness, needing to move away suddenly, stuff like that). Steadiness in a relationship isn't necessarily an indication of happiness. My mom has been in a committed relationship with my stepfather for almost thirteen years (they've been married for three of those). It's a very steady, consistent relationship, but my god do they hate each other. They're constantly at one another's throats, and I don't think they're happy. It's sustainable, and I believe it could last, but that doesn't mean it's the best thing for either of them.

I'm sorry she said that about you. That probably hurt to hear that from someone you love. It sounds like she's made up her mind about how she feels about you. You were asking us if you thought it was a good idea to get back together with her... Here's a better question: do you really want to be with someone who thinks you're toxic?

Man, I really understand how that feels. I'm only 25, and I've been in two different relationships that each lasted about three years. In both cases, we broke up and then got back together after about a month apart. I can safely say it was a mistake in both cases.

In the first case, it was the first time my girlfriend and I had ever dated anyone for that long or really been in love with someone else. She dumped me, and it felt like it came out of nowhere. I really thought she was my future, and I think she probably thought the same thing at some point. However, both of our lives were becoming more complicated and more independent from our parents, and she was starting to get a sense of how big the world really was (I wasn't... I had blinders on). We were growing into different people very quickly, and she didn't just break up with me for her own reasons: she did it because she knew what was best for me as well. A month or two went by where we didn't speak to one another at all, but then she asked me to get lunch with her. I did, and we had sex, and before I knew it we were back to our old pattern. It was at this point when I realized that things weren't as happy as I thought they were. I started to realize this girl wasn't my future. She and I had different views on spirituality, on politics, on friendship, on sex, on education, on parenting, on just about everything that matters in life. I was so focused on building a future with this girl that I couldn't see what she was seeing when she originally dumped me. Ultimately, I think we got back together because it was familiar territory, and we were both afraid of being alone (like I said, it was our first time doing this). Needless to say, we broke things off again after only a few more months (it was mutual the second time around). It took me almost a year before I felt comfortable enough with myself to start dating again. However, I think I could have gotten that year out of the way sooner if I had just let things go and trusted that everything happens for a reason.

I dated a few women for short bursts of time at that point, but then I met someone else who I was with for three years. After three years of dating her, I was about to graduate college, and I started thinking about my future. I found myself talking to her about my future late one night, and the conversation took an unexpected twist: I dumped her. I wasn't even planning to do that, but that's just how the conversation naturally unfolded. It really just felt like the right thing to do, but I couldn't really explain why. She was extremely upset with me, and continued to demand an explanation for weeks after we broke it off. I felt like an asshole, but all I could do was shrug and say that it just felt like the right thing to do. After about a month without any contact, I started to feel really lonely, and I set up a profile on a dating site (yeesh). I filled out a survey that was supposed to point me towards my most compatible matches, and guess who was listed as number one for most compatible? Yep, the same girl I had just dumped over a month ago. Instantly, I was flooded with emotions. I felt lonely, and I panicked, thinking I had made an enormous mistake. I called her up that night and told her what had happened, and before you know it we were back together again, back into the same pattern we were in before. Like I said, I finished college and I started to look for a job. This transition was awful for us. I started to realize this woman was very lazy. I was working hard on making something out of my life, and she was unemployed, living off of her dad's money, and complaining about how hard everything was for her. She was dragging me down, man. She got in a screaming fight with my dad, she hated my family, she pulled me away from my friends, she was having serious problems with drugs, and I just started to realize that this woman was toxic. Then, I found out she was cheating on me with her roommate. This time, she told me about it and broke it off with me. I think this breakup was a lot easier for me to get over than the first, considering how toxic she had become in my life, but again I just wonder what my life would have been like during that out-of-college transition if I had just left things where they were supposed to be and just focused on my own life.

I apologize for the long stories, but I hope they serve as examples to you. I think breakups tend to happen for very good reasons, but I don't think they're ever clear when they actually happen. It takes time to make sense of why a breakup happened, but there's almost always a reasonable explanation (even if you can't see it at first) and you need to take time for yourself to understand where you're at as an individual before making a potentially life-changing decision.

This might sound surprising, but those aren't the only two options here. I would go for option number three:

Give yourself a break from thinking about this woman, look deep within yourself and figure out who you are and where you want to be in life, and do what you have to do to get to that destination.

If you do that, you'll be the man you were really meant to be, and if this woman really loves you, she'll be there waiting with open arms when you get there. If not, then you will be in a better place anyway, irrespective of your relationship with her.