Should I even be dating?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by muterabbit, Jul 28, 2019.

  1. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    Sometimes I really feel like I have no business being involved with ladies, or that I was never meant to be in a relationship.

    I’m quiet, awkward, and needy.

    Only time a lady ever gave me a real shot at romance, I got super needy and she ghosted me.

    I thought I had learned so much from that, but I realized I was starting to get needy again with my crush. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I can’t seem to be satisfied with my own company, why I NEED companionship rather than simply WANTING it.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
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  2. silvermonk

    silvermonk Fapstronaut

    I have a friend and he used to look for a girlfriend with this idea of a perfect reletionship in his head - he is Roman Catholic. So he usually met a girl, she liked him - he was very kind and friendly guy -, agreed to have a cup of coffee somewhere, and then he said something like: "Oh, but I´m interested in a serious relationship, preferably ending with our wedding. Of course the girls freaked out, explained they had just ended a bad relationship and need to be alone. And he never saw them again. I told him to go to the cinema or to dance with them, to talk to them for hours about nothing, just spend his time with them because he liked them and let them to give him a sign, but he wouldn´t listen. For years.
    My point is, he finally found the one and married her and they have children and are happy together. :)
    There are many different man and there are many different women. And there is no universal way to make someone to love you. Be patient and don´t give up.
     
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  3. Dat95

    Dat95 Fapstronaut

    I used to feel and behave like this, until I realized that it is because I was living a sad and dull life.
    I decided to seek happiness within myself, do stuffs that makes me feel happy and content in my own skin.
    Taking care of myself, find new hobbies, hanging out with friends, making new ones. I imagine (and have been told) that the more happy I am, the more I radiate that energy and attract people (and potential romantic partner) around me!
    Plus it feels great!
    Me be this approach could work for you.
     
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  4. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, it is a pretty dull, repetitive life. I almost feel like I’m in the movie Groundhog Day.
     
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  5. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

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    You have the mindset of needing someone to complete you, because you feel incomplete. It usually boils down to childhood and experience with caregivers. The relationships you enter are based on co-dependence.

    To solve your problem and to fix your inner child, you need let go of your crush (that's your opportunity). I know this sounds cruel, but you can't be with someone before you healed yourself and you can't heal while being with your crush.
     
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  6. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    That’s pretty much what I figured. Some friends have said something to that effect, but I’ve just stubbornly continued to ache for companionship.
     
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  7. koolpal

    koolpal Fapstronaut

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  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    You're not addressing the real issues.

    You're trying to put a quick fix band aid over it by trying to get into a relationship.

    This is what will most likely happen even if you do "convince" someone to "complete" you.

    She will be the center of your world and your only reason for living because you've had years of little to no success. This creates a vortex of desperation that dominates your entire relationship. The symptoms of this type of relationship are:
    • You are in constant fear of saying or doing the wrong things because she may leave you.
    • You are ultra-sensitive to her every need; anything she wants, you'll get it or do it for her.
    • You are easily hurt by anything she says that remotely shows she doesn't feel about you in the enormous way you feel about her.
    • You feel that you are the luckiest man in the world to have her, even though you have had very little experience with other women to compare her to.
    • You constantly think about how she feels but she rarely, if ever, takes your feelings into consideration.
    • You put up with bad behavior from her such as unreasonable demands, temper tantrums, and using other men to make you jealous. Even though you don't feel this is right, you talk yourself into putting up with it and you end up making excuses for her.
    You won't find lasting peace, comfort, validation, or fulfillment. It will become one problem after another. Walking on egg shells. Paranoia. Jealousy. Convincing them to be interested in you by acting like someone that you're not.

    If you're ever trying to achieve anything with the mindset of "if I get it, then I'll finally be...........", it's for the wrong reasons and it will only bring you more pain.

    Address the issue of why you need someone to complete you. Why you aren't able to self validate / accept. Why you don't like yourself and what you're going to do about it.

    Unless you become someone that's attractive to you, then you won't be able to go through the rejections / failures / mistakes necessary to attain a healthy relationship.

    As for crushes, having a crush is a way to escape meeting new people. It's a way to escape going for what you want because you aren't able to handle the possible outcomes. It's a way to play not to win. You don't win anything, you don't lose anything, but at least you still have the fantasy of "one day..." while she has no clue what's going on and is probably creeped out.
     
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  9. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

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    A crush is an opportunity to practice let go and actually solve the whole problem you described so well in detail.
     
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  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Not necessarily letting go of what you want, but letting go of the outcome while actually going for what you want.

    The problem with unrequited love / one sided love / crushes is that they aren't able to risk a rejection because "it has to work or it's over" for them. So they neglect taking any action and try to find the holy grail of bulletproof manipulation techniques that will erase any possibility of pain, problems, and negative experiences which doesn't exist. So they continue to keep the fantasy alive by never actually going after what they want. Weeks / months / years go by until finally that crush finds somebody else leaving the guy heartbroken. Then they take a very long time to recover until the process repeats itself when they find another "super special girl that can never be replaced" and they decide "this is the one and I really can't fuck this one up".

    It's very sad. I know, because I did that same bullshit all because I couldn't handle rejection. I was trying to get external validation rather than finding a way to live a life that allows me to self validate. Spoiler alert = There's tons of "super special unique girls that can never be replaced" out there if you're just willing to meet more people and let go of the ones that aren't excited to receive what you have to offer and aren't excited to give you what you're looking for in a relationship. The people who are the most successful with relationships are those that have learned to handle rejection very well because they are able to draw from within rather than needing something or someone externally.
     
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  11. muterabbit

    muterabbit Fapstronaut

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    This pretty accurately describes what happened with the only lady who gave me a real shot at romance.

    I don’t think she’s creeped out, but my gut seems to say she’s not interested. Yesterday I decided to just go with the assumption that she’s not interested, because I didn’t want to get to the point where she started to feel uncomfortable. That’s the last thing I want.
     
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  12. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

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    I mean letting go of exactly the "want" and especially the "need". And @muterabbit's crush is the perfect opportunity to practice exactly that.

    @muterabbit's problem is not about rejection. It's about being unable to have a healthy relationship due to fundamental emotional issues. Even with actions and even with two persons sharing the same problem entering a relationship (Yes, this happens!) you still have that problem @muterabbit describes - in worst case on both sides.

    And this fundamental issue can only be healed in singleness by letting go, not by forcing any actions.
     
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  13. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    If you want to grow as a person and to one day have a healthy relationship, then find out for sure.

    The discomfort she might feel would be from you being unclear with your actions. That's really want being "creepy" is. When you don't fully go one way or another. When you have hidden motives that you aren't willing to come clean with. You don't fully commit. You just carefully creep along trying not to get caught or get hurt. That's what makes people uncomfortable.

    The more bold and clear your actions are towards what you want, the more clear her level of interest will be towards you. Assumptions aren't good enough. You have to commit and find out for sure. So that both of you can either move on from each other or move forward with each other.
     
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  14. wwtl

    wwtl Fapstronaut

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    And you need to stop this thinking first before engaging in further romances. Otherwise you just end up with heartbreak.

    It doesn't matter, you are far from being ready for a relationship. So to answer the question: "Should I even be dating?" Not yet, heal yourself first! Once you've been going through successfully with letting go, all those questions above stop mattering to you. And then you not only can have successful dates, but also relaxed and fruitful relationships.

    And just to clarify: Yes, you let go of your crush, but it only feels that way, because the person you "need" doesn't even matter, it's just a projection screen, the actual emotional problem lies in yourself.
     
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