Should I consider dating if I don't think I'm ready for a relationship?

IMO No. I won't date until I'm fully rebooted. IMO a fully reboot means not just stopping P&M but getting rid of the porn addict mentality. So I'd say work on yourself before dating again.

 

How much improvement do you have to make before you even consider starting?

 

Hey itchbattle, I'm in a similar boat. I'm 34 and just started dating again about 3 months ago. My last relationship was 4 years ago and since then I haven't dated mostly due to my PIED. But now that I'm working on myself and rebooting, I'm much more confident with dating. I think that since you said that you are ready for dating and that it's easier to talk to women, go for it. I wouldn't worry about the relationship aspect. Let the woman worry about that. Women know when a man is coming on too strong and worried about a relationship and it turns them off. Just focus on working on yourself and it will come together. Just worry about hanging out, having fun, and maybe hooking up. If you feel good about yourself and the progress you've made, she'll see it and think you're "boyfriend material." I HIGHLY HIGHLY suggest watching Coach Corey Wayne on YouTube if you haven't dated in awhile for tips on dating and not worrying about relationships. Go get some experience dating women, the relationships will come later. That's what I'm doing. Get some experience dating multiple women, don't fall for the first one-ESPECIALLY if you haven't dated in awhile. I made that mistake for the first two girls I dated when I was out of the game and came on too strong. Hope this helps. Good luck bro

 

I say go out and start dating asap.

The constant putting it off is the same as just saying `oh ill do it tomorrow`, but tomorrow might never arrive

Get out there

 

I am female, my ex is a PMO addict and I have done my share of dating so I hope I can offer some advice. First I recommend you do at minimum 90 days PMO free before you even consider dating. Men think that their PMO addiction will stop if they have a regular partner, it actually gets worse in almost every case. While you are in reboot you are going to be extra emotionally sensitive. PMO pushes down emotions. Not just that but have you ever been around someone that’s trying to quit smoking? It’s not so fun. Dating these days is brutal and involves a ton of rejection. Even the most stable person can get shaken, so it may drive you back to PMO. Second, women do not want to date a PMO addict. You can’t have a healthy dating relationship with an addict. And while you set out to it rarely ends like that. Third, people in reboot or recovery from any addiction often seek out something to replace it, and sometimes that is another person. Fourth, most women in your age range want relationships. You are going to be hard pressed to find a woman who just wants to date and if you meet someone you really like then what?also most women want sex. So if you turn sex down are you willing to be honest as to why? I agree that life’s too short so don’t let it pass you by. Make your goal to get clean so that you can find a healthy relationship.

 

Sure no problem. I think from an SOs perspective many of us wish our partners would have waited to get healthy or been upfront with us about their struggles. So while certainly all the points I gave you are geared towards helping you, I am also asking you to consider the implications on a potential partner. Most of us had no clue what we were getting onto and many started out as casual dating and boom you are in a relationship. If you do get serious I highly recommend you tell her about PMO even if you are 45 or 90 or 365 days clean. Not only is that fair to her but you will know if she is willing to accept you for who you are and if you continue to struggle she can support you particularly if you suffer with PIED.

 

Well I see the point of "I will deal with my shit first" but at the same time I am very skeptical of this idea of waiting for everything in the universe to be perfectly aligned.
I don't know how good or bad your situation with your mental state is. If you are frequently depressed to such a degree that you have suicidal thoughts then yea I would say stay back for your own safety. The potential heart break could kill you.
If not then go for it I would say. You need experience. Even though you said that you don't want anything casual. The casual dating is good training to gain experience which will lead to more confidence in more serious relationship where there will be less room for mistakes. I threw myself to so many things that I thought I cant handle and was able to manage them pretty good. Sometimes screw them up but still left with new experiences that I used in next attempts.

As I said I don't know the details so you have to look at yourself first. Maybe if you could expand the idea of why you would think you are not ready for relationship. If it is because your addiction or because of lack of experience or if it is just some irrational fear that you just feel.

 

I do think it would be helpful to know as well why he thinks he’s not ready. As far as from a potential partners point of view I think that one factor as to if he’s ready is he comfortable with sharing th details of his pmo addiction with a potential partner? The problem many SOs have is that many of us got into relationships with PMO addicts and had no idea because the addict did not reveal it or lied about it to us. Most SOs want this information even if you are currently in recovery and consider it as your past. If you are not ready to reveal that then it’s not very fair to the other person AND you will have the added stress of keeping a secret and dealing with someone else’s feelings when you are struggling to deal with your own. I think you are dealing with a slippery slope stating that you just want to date and not get serious. You meet someone you like them then what? And again most women in your age range are going to want relationships or at least sex . What reason will you give them for not doing so? Trust me that a woman will just not accept no I’m not ready she will keep asking or just not date you anymore. And while I fully agree that you don’t have to wait until you are perfectly healthy to date as I’m not sure that anyone has such a time no matter their situation, but there’s a big difference between having some issues and being a PMO addict. I say this as I’m not sure if PMO addicts fully appreciate how hard this type of addiction is on a partner. It hits at our self esteem, in a way no other addiction can. If you were a heroin addict not fully in recovery would you start dating someone and not tell them? Would you hide in the bathroom and shoot up? Then lie about it? And your addiction will make your partner casual, dating or serious feel unattractive and insecure. Just swing over to the partner support page and read what they go through. You seem like a great man who wants to get help and move forward. But please consider the impact on the other person as well.

 

I'd have to agree with GG2002 on this. We often focus so much on our selves that we forget PMO addiction has a severe negative affect on others as well. Being in a relationship requires someone to be at a certain level of mental stability.

I'm currently in a similar situation at the moment, I've been seeing this girl for about 3 weeks now and I'm kind of keeping it casual. Besides PMO, I also struggle with commitment issues... I haven't had a relationship longer than 3 months. I don't know where I currently stand though... but I don't want to drag this girl through my messed up issues, so at the time I'm just playing it by ear and trying not to over think anything.

 

From what I’ve seen pmo addiction and commitment issues often go hand in hand. Many pmo addicts are fearful of allowing another person to be the sole source of their sexual pleasure so they make sure only they have control of it. It’s also avoidance of true intimacy. Someone will love you for all that you are, the good, the bad and the ugly but you have to allow them the chance to. Sharing your true self with someone is scary I know but it’s the only way true intimacy forms. You may avoid relationships because at around the 3 month mark you realize you are going to have to be upfront about your issues past or present and fear rejection. When you meet that person who you can be totally honest with it will be liberating to you. Someone who loves you and knows everything about you and does not Judge is an amazing feeling. Don’t count women accepting your past issues or your recovery out. Many women just want to make that choice on their own. But almost all partners will leave if you hid it from them even if they would have accepted it if you were honest in the beginning. Lying is a much greater harm to a relationship.

 

If a man has overcome his pmo addiction and it is in his past and he is healthy, he is no more obligated to tell every woman he dates about it than a woman who had a sexually promiscous past (many sexual partners, lots of one night stands, cheating, etc) is obligated to volunteer her past if she has come to a healthier place and no longer lives that way. They are not their past. Those are things they did, but this is who they are now and should live in the present. Dredging up people's past mistakes isnt that healthy.

However, if you think that a mans PAST(not current) pmo addiction still demands an Oprah style tell all confessional, then you better believe that a woman with a sexually promiscous past demands the exact same level of disclosure. The argument may be that even though the pmo is in the past, the temptations could come back when life gets stressful, etc and the woman needs to know this possibility. Ok.

Its a also a fact that women who slept around and had numerous casual sexual relationships or jumped from man to man or engaged in 3soms, etc, is more likely to cheat on her current man when life gets stressful or she feels he isnt meeting all her needs.

Im overcoming my pmo addiction and the only way im telling is if the woman i meet discloses her sexual past. Its anti-male and so hypocrotical to act as though a mans PAST pmo affects his present/future but that a womans past sexual promiscuity doesnt. Nonsense. Everyones past affects their present/future BUT ones past doesnt have to dictate their present/future.

 

Pmo is an addiction like someone who used to be addicted to heroin or an alcoholic. I think most people would want to know about a past addiction and be quite upset if that was not disclosed. You can make your choices but I am fairly certain that most people would feel very betrayed if you hid it.


Your desire to know a woman’s sexual past stems solely from your own insecurities.Most men who have issues with a woman’s sexual past are not confident about their own sexual abilities. If she was a sex addict sure she needs to disclose. But an addiction versus past sexual experience is not the same. And there are no studies that I’m aware of that show a higher tendency to cheat based on how many sex partners she has? It means she enjoys sex what’s wrong with that? Pmo addiction is not about sex nor is sex addiction it’s about failure of coping mechanisms. A former addict has addiction issues ex that spill far beyond sex.

The equivalent is that she wants to know how many sex partners you had but won’t disclose how many she had that’s wrong I agree. what if she asks you right out it you had an addiction do you lie? I don’t get what hiding things gets you. If a woman is going to judge you based on your past she’s going to do it a month in or 30 months in except at 30 months now you are not just a former addict you are a liar. They always find out and I’m not sure that addicts that fail to disclose think that through. You read a lot of addicts trying to take the moral high ground. “Well I have the right to do this or that or I don’t have to disclose” All of that is great but it does not matter in practicality. If a person feels lied to you can argue about your right to not disclose all you want they are still going to leave you. So what have you gained?

Likewise though if you are going to judge someone or not date them if they have slept with more people than you find acceptable I agree ask that very early on. That way if the woman is offended about being asked then she can leave right them or if you don’t like her numbers you can leave too. Everybody has past relationships or most people do but not everyone is an addict in recovery.

If you have to hide your past from someone to get them to be with you why would you want to date that person? It’s like she’s being duped into dating you.

 

Its not my insecurities that inform me that a woman who has sexually bonded with many different men is more likely to cheat or abandon a relationship when things get stressful. Its common sense. After all shes demonstrated a tendency to jump to the next guy whenever her mood changes or the relationship hits a bump. Theres a reason women lie about numbers or fail to disclose. Women know men generally have lower opinions of women who are promiscous. This is basic biology and nature.

And a promiscous past indicates a likely sexual addiction. Healthy well regulated people do not bond with lots of different people and jump from relationship to relationship. Therefore a neccessity to disclose.

No im not going to lie about anything. But im not going to volunteer a tell all confessional unless she asks. And then ill be honest. But Its simply not true that once an addict, always an addict. People can and do change. Otherwise, theres no point in being on this or similar forums. Then it would just be a whinefest about how awful pmo is and how current and former pmo addicts are such losers and how they need to learn how to accept their addiction and lesser status in life. What a negative take on life and humans' capacity for change and healing.

Theres a growing body of knowledge around neuroplasticity, upon which this forum is largley predicated. That with consistent and concentrated effort, we can change our brains and habits and even our being to an extent. Meaning we do not have to be our past.

"If you have to hide your past from someone to get them to be with you why would you want to date that person? It’s like she’s being duped into dating you."

You clearly seem to think a persons past defines them more than their present and future. If im am recovered and healthy and achieving positive things, then no one is being duped into dating me. They are interestd in dating me because of who i am today.

Everyone deals with baggage from their past. The question is how do you deal with it and move forward. Voluntarily slapping a scarlet letter on our foreheads doesnt seem likely to help.

 

You do realize we no longer live in the 1950s right? Your comment is extremely sexist. Women who have slept with lots of men are no different than men who have slept with lots of women. Your archaic beliefs have nothing to do with biology, they have to do with a double sexist standard put forward by insecure men. You say because a woman had lots of sex partners that means she moves on to the next man when things get tough, but you presume she was in a relationship? Maybe she was just single and having a good time? Maybe she had zero commitments to anyone? Honestly I’d encourage you to not share this archaic view with any potential partners, it would likely give a worse impression of you than a PMO addict. We live in equality now. Someone who has multiple sex partners does not mean they are a sex addict, not the same thing.

I do believe people can change absolutely and I also believe that you are not defined by your past. Addiction even in the past is something that needs to be disclosed. If you don’t believe me read the post on the SO page about women who would not choose to marry their PMO addict now knowing what they know. The point is addicts often have relapses a lot of them. I get that you presume that you will be completely recovered and never relapse but that’s usually not true. It’s not fair to keep that from someone. The question is not if you think you should disclose its if your partner thinks you should. The way it’s presented is this was in my past and I’ve overcome it but I want to be fully open and honest with you.

If someone is going to judge you for your past addiction they are. You can say they should not but they will or they won’t that’s on them. If you fail to disclose and that person finds out later and is upset and leaves, what’s your response I did not have to tell that’s in my past? Why waste years of time in a relationship with someone that will never accept you because of your past? Why not find that out now? And yes past PMO addiction is a factor that most women would consider in dating someone. Past PMO addiction plus not telling doubles those chances. You and I can argue about what’s right or wrong but in practicality it does not matter. In practicality it will matter to most people but failing to disclose will matter even more.

Hopefully one of the things that many SOs are getting the word out for is that you need to ask about porn use and you need to do that early on in the relationship. Past and present use, so that way there can be no “she did not ask me directly” bs. Yes we did and do ask. PMO kills relationships and women need to start asking and we are.

 

You can namecall and use cliches like 1950s, sexist, insecure, archaic or you can, 1 recognize that you do not possess the male perspective and, 2 look at results from an actual study.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...men-play-field-without-worry-study-finds.html

"According to new research by the National Marriage Project, more than half of married women who had only ever slept with their future husband felt highly satisfied in their marriage.

But that percentage dropped to 42 per cent once the woman had had pre-marital sex with at least two partners. It dropped to 22 per cent for those with ten or more partners.

But, for men, the number of partners a man they appeared to have no bearing on how satisfied they felt within a marriage."
...
"The findings were published in 'Before 'I Do': What Do Premarital Experiences Have to Do with Marital Quality Among Today’s Young Adults?', published at the University of Virginia.

The report, by Galena K Rhoades and Scott M Stanley, said the first conclusion of the study was that 'What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas'.

It means our past experiences, especially when it comes to love, are linked to our future marital quality, they said.

The researchers said those who had more partners perhaps find it difficult to commit to their spouse because they were aware of the alternatives.

They added that more experiences of breaking up can give people a 'more jaundiced view of love' which could affect future relationships.

The report said: 'Many in Generation YOLO (you only live once) believe that what happens while you’re young won’t affect your future. But our research paints a different picture."
​

Most men want to know if a woman has been promiscous not out of insecurity but due to wanting someone more likely to be faithful and past sexual experinces bear on that assessment whether you label that view outdated or not. See above.

On pmo disclosure, theres a ton of shame involved with pmo addiction. If you havent suffered from a pmo addictin then you cannot grasp how deep it can destroy a persons selfworth. Having a pmo addict partner is not the same thing. So most pmo addicts hesitate to tell the world how depraved they are because they already judge themselves and more judgement just feels like condemnation. And then rejection. And then you start to believe you really are a pos so why not go back to pmo if even after recovery you will be judged and rejected for your past. Thats how it can go.

However, i undestand your desire and most womens desire to know and i know that my struggle has played a large part in the man i have become. So im mostly on board with disclosing on some level but its inherently unfair for me to grovel and tell my dark secrets but not expect her to.

The truth is, all past sexual activity, whether its pmo or actual sex, shapes us and affects us. Anyone who denies that is in denial of human behavior.

 

Wait this is good. What that study is saying is that the only reason women who have had less sexual partners are less likely to cheat is because they don’t know any better! They don’t realize there are men out there that are 100 times better in bed than their spouse who would treat them much better lol lol. Insecure much? That’s like saying if I had known how much better it felt to own and drive a Mercedes I would have bought one but instead I got stuck with a Ford because I did not realize how much better it would be to own a Mercedes. Wouldn’t it be better to have someone who says I have driven multiple cars and I know what’s out there and I chose you because you are the best? My friends that have had limited sexual partners or were virgins all wish they had more experience and the only women I personally know that cheated did what for that exact reason they were not sure but they suspected their had to be something better out there for them.

The study you quoted had a sample of 2000 people very small so sorry that’s not enough to change my mind.

The reality is that times have changed. Women are now open and able to express their sexuality just like men and enjoy it. It used to be that sec was primarily for a mans pleasure that he initiated. Now that it’s switched men are insecure in their abilities to provide sexually. And it’s very true that you have almost as many women as men saying their partner can’t satisfy them.

And if you read other articles that discuss your research it shows the the women who cheat usually do so for reasons totally unrelated to sex. They are usually emotionally neglected. In the 50s 60s and 70s women stayed with a spouse because they often had no choice. These days with many women out earning men or the ability to make their own livings they don’t put up with crap. We no longer need men and we are perfectly comfortable with demanding our own sexual pleasures.

Personally the only time I ever thought about or compared my current partner to my past partners was when the current partner was horrible in bed or somehow not meeting my needs despite me trying everything to get him to do so.

Bottom line here is it you are keeping your woman happy she has no reason to consider looking elsewhere. But having a woman who is only with you because she’s not aware of her other options to me is a pretty insecure man.

And I did not call you any names I described your behavior by stating you were sexist. By definition sexism is “behaviors conditions or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex.” Now if you said you only had one sexual partner and you wanted a woman who also had one that’s not sexist but if instead you say I’ve slept with 20 women and want my wife to be a Virgin that’s sexist.

But like I said it’s important that you tell your future partner that you feel this way well in advance because many women will want nothing to do with a man like that. And the women who are going to be more understanding of your pmo addiction are the ones that have had more sexual experiences. Can you imagine telling a Virgin about pmo?

I think many men want things to go back to the way they used to be it made them feel more secure in themselves. But things are not that way anymore and in this day and age you are going to be hard pressed to find a woman that fits the bill you are seeking.

 

To be honest its not that difficult to find women that fit that bill

But most likely your going to have to join a religion.

If that's what your into then go where there are girls that feel the same way.

 

So we agree.

We agree that people should be open and honest about who they are and what they have been through. We agree that people have a right to set their own standards for what they want in a partner RE past pmo addiction and past sexual behavior. We agree that people have a right to inquire about a partners pmo addiction and sexual behavior. We agree that people have a right to determine whether or not to pursue a relationship with someone based on their past pmo addiction/sexual behavior. We agree that people are free to seek partners who align with their standards and values.

I can feel the healing. Another Nofap miracle!