1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

She keeps texting me...

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by SorryWontSayIt, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    Hi,

    (OFF TOPIC: I have already posted a tread regarding the same girl, but I don't know how to handle her last text - Sorry for making an other tread.)

    So I started dating this girl that I really think is amazing! She is great and we have been hanging out a few times now, and been in contact for maybe two months now.

    She went on a trip for two weeks, and when she came back we did hang out, and she told that she liked me, which is great. After we did hang out, I told her that I was having a party and she could come with me if she wanted. But she was already invited to her best friendsparty. (I asked very late so I can see why she did not want to bail her friend).

    The next week we talked on monday again, and I asked if there was any day where she wanted to hang out, and she told me she had a very busy week and we could talk about when later. 3-4 days later, I told that I would be busy at the end of the week, so I suggested to meet the next week instead. She ignored me, but wrote something in a whole diffrent topic to me later. The next day she texted me again, and we talked a bit longer (friday). On saturday I asked her out again, but she just ignored my text.

    After that I thougth she was not intrested, (maybe I had been a bit needy, but I just wanted "better communication"). But after 3-4 days where I did not text her, she started texting me. I just responded to what she wrote. Then we did not talk the day after (wednesday).

    Yesterday she sent me a picture where she wrote something like "Soon weekend and free from work!".
    -Does that mean she wants me to ask her out again, since she is basicly telling me that she got time for me now? Or would she have told me and asked me?

    I don't really know what to do anymore, because everytime I ask her out the last week, there has been no respons to the question - but texting about an other topic later.

    So we have no texted today, but I consider to ask her if she wants to hang out one last time this weekend - since she actually told me she was free. OR will this be creepy since I asked her "so many" times last week. I just tried to communcate when I could and not..
    (Because what I think... why do she even text me at all, if she would not want to hang out... there must be something there...? Since when I stopped texting her for 3 days, she started again?)

    It will also be one week since last time I texted her about hanging out... I know I did not respect her for being a busy person last week, but now shes the on texting me... (not a lot, but shes the on starting to do it again).

    (Sorry I have had an tread about the same girl already, but I am really unsure what I should do regarding the last text. She told me she was free this weekend. Does this mean that she wants me to ask her again?) Our communcation have not been as intens as it used to, now we just text every other day maybe.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2018
  2. I'd say give it one more shot, but you probably should have asked her out yesterday considering the fact that it's now Friday and she may have already made plans. If she ghosts you again, then I'd cut all ties with her and move on.
     
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  3. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    Yeah, I regret not asking her yesterday. I will ask her a bit early tomorrow if she wants to join me for a hike or something. I guess I was a bit sad since she have ignored me / not given clear signs to me lately, but at the same time she have not moved on from me.

    I will tell her that I am going on a hike and ask if she wants to join me or something. It is something we liked to do together before what ever kind of pause/break we have had now hehe.

    If she wants to hang out with me I guess she will tell me that she would like to maybe an other time? Since it is a short notice. But if she ignores then I guess it is time to move on.

    Also, if she tells me shes busy tomorrow (which will actually be very possible since I ask so late), should I ask if she maybe want to hang out an other time the next week instead - if she tell she already have plans that day?

    Thanks!
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2018
  4. If she already has plans then leave the ball in her court. Tell her you understand and to let you know when she is free again and leave it at that. If she is into you, she will most likely contact you again.
     
    Ghost79 likes this.
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    Stop...

    If she's interested, then she would make an effort to be with you without you having to do much of anything. She would go out of her way to make things easier for you or at the very least it would be more of a team effort. The key word is effort. It already takes effort to make a relationship work without having to put even more effort on top of that to convince her to be with you.

    Don't try to convince her. She either wants to or she doesn't. There's nothing else to decode here. She's got you worrying and reacting to whatever she does or says next.

    It doesn't matter how busy someone is. They either make you a priority or they don't. They either put in effort or they don't.

    Move on to somebody who will put in mutual effort. If this one really wants to be with you, then she'll actually follow through with something rather than treating you like something disposable and replaceable.
     
  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    I think I responded to the other thread and said ditch this girl and if not I’m saying it again ditch this girls she’s playing games with you and you are allowing it.

    First most of today’s modern women will ask you out or suggest plans not wait to be asked out. I am female if I like a guy and he texts me I respond, my life is not too busy to not communicate or make time. Remember people make time for what’s important and she’s not making time for you.

    Did you meet online? If so it sounds she has a list of four or five men she’s interested in and that’s why she’s trying o busy. I know because guys did the same thing to me.

    She’s keeping you around as a spare. And she likely does enjoy speaking with you but not as much as you to her. You want more she’s not going to give you more no matter what you don’t ! Move on you deserve better.
     
    Hitto, JustinX and Deleted Account like this.
  7. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    Hi again, thanks for so much support! I have been asking so many questions the past month, because I am facing so many new sides of the life.

    I don't know if I was stupid or not, but I texted her. Told her that I was at work and I was going on a hike when I was done and told her that it was just to join if she wanted. I don't know what she really wants after that, but it does not matter. She gave a respons and told me she had already plans with her bestfriend, and she actually sent me a snap where they were together. It was a short notice so I accept that. I am just happy she actually responed this time, even tho It was a "negative" respons and not her (wanting?) or being able to hang out.

    I know I have been a bit "needy" in the past, because of we had a periode where we did not communicate a lot, so I went quiet and she returned. Now I will just have an open mind regarding this girl. I won't get sad anymore if she does not like me, I will just look at it as a positive experience and I will be happy if she contact me later. Asking her to hang out today, I don't know how smart it was (but it was one week since last time I did it), so at least I have let her know that I am still intrested, and she can choose.

    If she just wants to text me, okey for me. I will be pretty busy the next two months so I don't really have time to start dating any other girl anyways. If she just wants to be friends okey for me. Shes a great person, but maybe not the easiest to communicate with.

    Now I will just let her controll what happens. I have done my part.

    Again, thanks for the support - even tho I have maybe repeated the same question so many times, I am really thankful that you people are still helping :,) It means a lot to a person like me that are facing a whole new experience in life. But the great part is, that I don't feel sad anymore, wether she likes me or not. The pain is more gone and I am more relaxed regarding the situation - even tho I hope in the end we can work things out :).
     
    elevate likes this.
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    That's all you can do. Meet people and life halfway and the rest is up to them. It's when you go beyond that half way point is when you become a control freak or over compensating / convincing others to be with you.

    Follow your desires fully, but don't depend your self worth on outcomes. Focus on thinking, feeling, and behaving like the person you want to become. Gain your validation / self worth / joy out of that rather than outcomes. Then you'll see that the good outcomes become a consequence or bonus of the great person you've become.

    You deserve someone that makes time for you. Until you truly believe that and have that level of self respect, you'll always end up trying to convince and chase unavailable women that treat you like a disposable and replaceable object. The level of your self respect correlates with the quality of the people you let into your life.
     
  9. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    Treat yourself like another person that you love very much. You wouldn't allow others to treat that person badly. So if you have self respect and self love, why allow others to treat you badly or allow them into your life in the first place?

    If you don't love yourself or have much self respect, then that's where you should start. Rather than trying to gain validation and self worth from other people. That's when you allow others to dictate your worth just because of petty and superficial reasons such as their physical attributes. "She's hot and if she's my girlfriend, then I'll be validated and have self worth."
     
    SorryWontSayIt likes this.
  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    No fucking way am I allowing a flaky, unsure, distant, and unavailable person into my life. Where all your energy goes into trying to convince them to be interested in you. It's just a complete lack of self respect and irrational decision.

    I've had my share of experiences with that. I became wise because of it.

    I can tell you that someone that gives mutual effort into the relationship is a thousand times better. It's worth the patience of finding a person that's available, open, and certain of being with you.
     
  11. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    Thanks, I see what you are saying.

    I have always been a patience person when it comes to finding a person. Thats why this maybe is harder to deal with then I hoped, since it (may not / may) work out. Currently it is not looking good as you say.

    I will just live as I used to do before I met her. Working on myself. If she wants anything more now from me, I want her to start do more of the work to have a relationship.

    If she keeps texting me, I will just ignore/answer depending on what she asks. I am not a person that ignores people, I will always want to make people happy. But I won't do more "work" to get her, untill she shows more interest back.

    As said, I will just work on myself, improve myself, etc. I won't let her controll me anymore. It hurt ofcours to let her go, but at least she knows how I feel now, and if she wants she wants. If not I will just be polite to her.

    And by saying that I won't really date the next two months, I did not mean that I would lock myself to her. It is just that I will be pretty busy with myself the next two months. But if I meet a girl I will let it happen if it happens... I was not really going for dating with this girl either. But it worked out "great" for me, in the way I started liking her..




    I hope you understand :) I won't let her destroy myself respect, I will just work on myself as I did and be friendly to people, but not work on the relationship if she does not do any work back..
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

    2,007
    3,391
    143
    Sure. Many of us have been where you are. Unfortunately though we often have to learn this lesson on our own. The lesson that he or she is just not interested in the way that we are and that we should have moved on Long ago. It comes in the form of a lot of pain often in the form of finding out that person is seeing someone else and has been the whole time. So we can all tell you how it’s going to end but I suspect you won’t ditch her until she does something that really hurts you. Like you find her out on a date with another guy when she cancelled with you.

    You need to remove her from your life entirely. You say you will wait for her to reach out but here’s the thing she will reach out and she will ask you to hang out. Then you wiii get all excited again and a week later it’s back to the same no calling no time to hang out.
     
  13. [​IMG]

    I personally would block her and just move on with your life. I think you should do this for your own self-respect.
     
  14. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    It's easy to get caught up in getting someone's approval, or getting them to "see" you as the person you really are. Trying to convince them to be interested in you.

    The result is fixating on that person or outcome, but at the cost of burning up your mental and emotional capital that could be used to find your better place, with better people, as a better version of yourself.

    For every minute you spend thinking "Why doesn't he/she see the value I offer? Why don't they see me for who I am?" you could be spending that on other opportunities.

    This is sometimes hard due to sentimentality and being emotionally vulnerable to someone. A beautiful part of yourself sees a beautiful outcome with you coming together, but they may not be able to see that vision the way you do.

    That being the case, why PERSONALIZE it when someone isn't seeing the vision? It burns your time, weirds them out, and everybody loses.

    Any time I've followed this advice my life has improved. Any time I've failed to recognize it and became "myopic" by dwelling on a specific person and outcome I've suffered.
     
    Hitto likes this.
  15. [​IMG]
     
  16. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    I guess you are all correct....
    (Sorry for the big block of text, a lot going on my mind now at nigth... when there is not a lot to do to keep my mind busy...).

    I just don't want to admit it to myself that this won't work (Now for example I want to write "most likely won't work" - Because I still don't want to give up). I understand it more and more each day, but it is still very hard for me to accept. I feel better every day with out her, but I still look back at the good times with her. And it is fucking difficult to let times like that just go away. Everything felt so rigth. In one way I felt she was the same person as me. I felt like she had the same values as me in life.
    (Yesterday I was actually unsure if I wanted to give her an other chance. Since she had already hurt me a lot, but I thougth she needed time. And ofcours my mind start making excuses and create happy pictures of what could happen if she joined me to hang out yesterday). For some reason, I am still thankful she at least gave me an answer that she was busy, even tho it did not really help me, but I was not ignored at least.

    For some weird reason, I have never let myself get feelings for a person. I have always been running away from people I am about to get feelings to, because I have been afraid to get hurt. Some of my friends have been in 2-3 relationships, some more some less. But I have never let myself get feelings for someone to get in a relationship. This time I was not able to run away, I really liked her, and I guess I just had to face my fear. I also thougth I was so careful when it came to picking who I wanted to be with. I thougth I had picked a great person! She told she liked me, she did not want me to leave last time we were together (even tho I had to, and told her why), she told her family and friends about me, they sent me pictures... She was really caring and funny too... I would never think that she would ever date an other person while dating me (I don't know if she is or not, but since some of you say she may)... Everything was going perfect... but for some reason everything changed suddenly, and I don't know why. She are just keeping contact with me by texting, but never have time to hang out with me. (I like to belive she keeps texting me, because she don't want to tell me the truth, she does not want to hurt me... that is at least what I like to belive... but I can never know I guess). (I don't really know what people mean with needy either... I used to send a snapchat text or picture - maybe just as a joke or something, sometimes once per day sometimes every other day. But longer conversations was just 3 times per week maybe, where I tried to plan when we could meet)

    I guess that this being the first time for me letting myself get feelings for a person, just makes it more difficult for myself to accept it won't work out. Maybe it is not just about her, but about me also. Accepting that even tho I think I am careful, I may fail.

    I also don't look forward to tell my friends that this went shit. Even tho they have been great supporters! I still don't want to tell them, because I feel like a failure, even tho it is not maybe my fault. I don't know what to tell them, because I don't know why it ended myself... I have always been a person that want to make other smile, I have always been a happy person, so it will be very difficult for me to just ignore her messages too.

    I guess it is time to at least start accept and admit to myself, that I just have to move on. Even tho it may feel like the difficult road at this moment, thats actually the only way for me. I can't force someone to like me. I have already done as much as I can to make the relationship work. I knew we were to busy people, so I tried to work so I could have time for her later, thats why I tried to talk with her so it would be easier to plan things out (even tho it may have sounded needy or whatever, I think communcateion is important...)

    I guess I also have to stop blame myself. There can be a million diffrent reasons, and it may be nothing wrong with me too. Maybe it was she just not being the rigth person and feeling the same for me. I can and will most likely never know.

    As @GG2002 says, it is maybe time to move on, before I get hurt even more. Maybe shes an whole diffrent person that I got to know. In one way I would never belive that about her, but maybe I did not know her well enough and created a "picture" of her, that was not real... I knew from the start we would most likely not meet more then one time per week at least the next two months. But I was okey with that, because that would be two busy months for me too. But at least I hoped she would help communcate to make the one time per week work out.

    Thanks again people. I hate to admit the facts, but I guess I just have to. If I keep myself giving false hope I may actually hurt myself even more later even tho it feels better with a false hope at this moment.
    (I feel a lot better now then I felt one week ago, and worked a lot on myself already, but I have still lived with the little hope since tuesday, since she started contacting me again after I went quiet, I thougth she just needed time to think, but time to admit.)

    Thanks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2018
    Deleted Account likes this.
  17. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    A worst situation would be that she spent time with you once in a while, but still kept her distance whenever she felt like it.

    It's fortunate that she's not stringing you along too much because as you are right now, you would take her back in a heartbeat if she came back to you. You would let her treat you badly. When she can have your love and affection with very little investment on her part, that's a problem because it shows you have very little standards, boundaries, and self respect. It reinforces that she can treat you however she wants and still gets what she wants from you.

    It doesn't matter how great of a girl she is. If you have any sort of self worth, then you wouldn't allow someone to treat you this way.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,133
    5,566
    143
    What's a life crisis or problem?

    When you're attached to an outcome, wanting things to be a certain way, and things not going according to your how it's supposed to be plan.

    But how do you know that this is a bad thing in the long run? How do you know that this one person or thing is what you really want and is best for your life? We become very ignorant of other possibilities. That's what I meant about being myopic. You don't allow other possibilities because you dwell on something that didn't work out. Something that's probably not good for you in the long run.

    Looking back I can see so many things and people that would have ruined my life if they ended up working out.

    It's only a problem because you dwell, resist, judge, and react negatively to a specific outcome. It's being a control freak where you delude yourself to thinking that everything should go smooth and easy as you see fit.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  19. @SorryWontSayIt,

    Just because this didn’t go the way you wanted it to doesn’t mean it’s a failure. You want to grow in self-improvement, right? Well that’s what this is; it’s an opportunity to grow in self-worth and to not let people treat you in ways that disrespect your worth. You leaving is a victory in self-improvement not a failure. Learning that a relationship status, job, or bank account doesn’t determine your value is one of the hardest and greatest lessons you can learn in life. Had you gotten into a relationship with a girl like this in the state you’re currently in then you most likely would have lost yourself in seeking her approval and that’s a whole new level of hell you don’t need or want in your life.

    Personally I would internally thank her for not texting back and for showing a side of her that would have been toxic in a relationship. After that reflect on your own issues. Why did you cling so hard? Was it truly because you two connected so well or was it because you finally made yourself vulnerable and expected the outcome to go your way? Why did you feel the need for this to work between you and her? Remember being vulnerable ensures us no guarantees, only opportunities.

    Now smile and celebrate your decision to move on! You’re a free man!
     
  20. SorryWontSayIt

    SorryWontSayIt Fapstronaut

    470
    766
    93
    Thanks for the great feedback!

    Everything regarding being in a relationship is very new to me. I have never been in one, so I guess I am a bit unsure on how to act etc.

    I guess I am a controll freak in many parts of my life. I have never let people destroy my studies, workouts and plans. It is new to me that I have to "fit" in to an other persons life or let someone else fit in to me as you say @elevate. Ofcours I make time for my friends and family, but they know I have a strong focus on my studies etc. I also told her that in the start and it seemed like she accepted that. And I knew she was a girl that was focused on work. I guess I made myself weak in many ways, trying to make time for her, but she never tried really to make time for me. When it actually should be both people working to make time for each other.

    And as you both of you say @SOB and @elevate I can't always controll the outcome, and I should not always be the one doing all the work.

    I guess the reason why I clinged so hard @SOB was a mix of both that I felt we connected well and I made myself vulnerable. When we were together both laughed a lot, and both was able to speak what they felt for the most part at least. I felt like I could be myself around her, I was calm. She at least seemed to hold the same values as me regarding important part of the life. But suddenly she ignored me as you see. And I don't deserve a person that ignores me, when I actually try to make things work. I deserve a person that meets me in the middle and does her part to make it work too.

    I guess I will just have to learn from it as you say. I can't do all the work, and let her controll me as I am worth nothing. If I had any self respect when I was with her, I would make her do some more work to, to make this work. I can't and should not have done all. I guess I was blind because I really liked her, and I guess I had never faced issues like this, so I did not know how to act. And I have to learn that I can't controll everything, and make a person like if they don't.

    Regarding selfrepsect, I see you point @elevate . I have a lot of self repsect too, belive it or not. That is why I am trying to be very picky and never been in a relationship before. But I guess I lost some of that self respect to her when I started liking her more and more, I was blind... I have never had feelings for a person, and I always want to be nice to people. But I guess I have to stop giving more then people deserve, before they actually show me some respect too. If I am nice to someone I deserve to be given respect and people being nice to me too. And she was not nice to me at all in the end, by ignoring me etc. I guess I also made a picture that was wrong about her too. I created a picture of her, that was what I wanted her to be, not something she was.

    I at least hope I understand, because I belive I can learn a lot from what you people are telling me, and I hope I have learnt from this experience. I guess I was (maybe still are a little bit - blind), when it comes to looking at whats wrong. I hope and I am pretty sure I can look back at this situation later and see what went wrong.
     

Share This Page