Shaza98's Journal - My Journey to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by shaza98, Sep 29, 2018.

  1. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    **Been using a journal for my Nofap journey on this site on the 22-24 year old thread. I'm almost 27, and I'd never thought I'd still be on the long, hard journey to freedom. But it is what it is. Here is my continuation.**

    Just a brief background on myself: I'm 26, Male, currently finishing up medical school in the U.S. Began using porn and PMO since 2007-2008 after being introduced to it by neighbors and have been attempting to quit via Nofap since 2012. Achieved my longest streak of 112 days on my first attempt, but my first relapse destroyed my self-confidence. I've been trying to catch up ever since.


    Day 0:

    Just came off from a binge session (which I posted in the relapse report thread). I'm just sick and tired of relapsing over and over. I relapse every 1-3 days; if I'm lucky, I can last almost two weeks. It's fustrating.

    Over the past year, however, I've been more active in a developing an effective strategy and mindset towards achieving nofap success. This has manifested in me doing the nofap academy course and more recently watching the sexual self mastery series from Mark Quepett. Though these two sources, I've gained a lot of insight into my motivations for using porn, why I want to quit, and what's still holding me back from reaching success.

    I really want to believe that this time it will be different. Maybe it will. Seems desperate at times, but I can't give up. I need to stay optimistic. Learning from my failures is essential, but I also accept that I've haven't been 100% committed to staying clean. Whether it be due to my own fear of letting go of the comfort that porn has provided me, or my PMO addict brain having a mind of its own through so much sensitization/hypofrontality that I don't even have a say in my decisions anymore...I don't know....

    No matter what the cause, I make the solemn pledge to quit PMO for good and live an awesome life - the life that I want. A life filled with greater meaning, purpose, and happiness. I will do whatever it takes, and I welcome the support from this community to help me get there (as I will provide support as well).
     
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  2. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 2

    Much better day today with a few close calls. Had 2-3 urges in the morning after waking up, and ngl, I probably would have relapsed if I hadn’t had my blockers on my laptop and phone on. But I weathered through the intense desire to watch pro and came out just fine, which felt like a great success. I then worked out with my friend later on and got some new clothes for myself.

    At night, I had a few more urges, but made sure to take a deep breath and let it course through me and pass. The next few weeks will be just like this and more. It’s going to be tough, but I’m confident that I can make it on the other side.
     
  3. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 3

    Started back on my medical school rotations today, so I'm back at me usual level of busy-ness. I had a slight urge at night before bed while watching some workout YT videos, but I made sure to keep in mind that I just needed to use the bathroom (I often associate going #2 with an urge to PMO for some reason). Once again, knowing that I had my blockers in place really kept me going.
     
  4. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 4

    Much better day. No urges, and I had a really great workout session. I even did something out of my comfort zone and worked out in my tank top at my university's gym, where there were a lot of people (especially females) present. Instead of feeling self-conscious, I just made sure to do my workout and focus on that. That was a great confidence-booster for sure.

    I also eased back into installing FB, Twitter, Snapchat, and Reddit on my phone. I'll test the waters to see how my usage changes. It's convenient to have them on the condition that I disable notifications for them and only check sparingly.
     
  5. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 0 - Relapse:

    You ca check out my full relapse report in the appropriate thread, but essentially I started back at rotations again after a long break, and was tired when I came home. That, combined with the need to poo and wanting to bypass my filters by accessing porn on another device in the bathroom, led to the relapse. Going to nip this in the bud. Namely, I need to do three important things:

    Don't bypass your filters
    Don't bring ANY electronic devices in the bathroom
    If you're in a tired state in the late after noon, take a nap!

    Back at it.

    EDIT: Removing my filter on my laptop. It does more harm than good for me, tbh. Especially since I have multiple electronic devices.
     
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2018
    TheBox likes this.
  6. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

  7. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 2:

    I'm starting this journey yet again, but with a renewed spirit and motivation. I haven't had any urges today, and was just fed up with "trying" for so long in Nofap. I've been half-asking my efforts, because I still have the desire to hold onto porn because of the pleasure and comfort it brings me.

    I need to go back to how I was when I did Nofap the first time. Back to when I had the immense motivation and discipline to exceed 90 days.

    I don't want to just try living a porn-free life. I want do actually DO it. Ant to accomplish that, I need to reassess and recalibrate my goals and strategies to make that a reality.

    So in that spirit, this is a list of what I will be doing on a regular basis:

    • Continue to educate myself on the effects of porn and masturbation here and on YBOP
    • Checking this forum every morning and evening (post on Journal and read and post on at least one other thread for support/motivation)
    • Be mindful of the locations, times, and circumstances when I am likely to relapse (Verbally describe what I'm feeling and what I should do if I feel an urge)
    • Use the STOP method when an urge ambush comes in (my alternative activity will be to leave all electronic devices and take a walk outside, or just leave the room if I cannot do the former)
    • Focus on maintaining alternative habits (reading, weightlifting/running, singing, career development, etc)

    I just want to keep it as straight forward as possible and just DO what I need to do, day in and day out.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/in-case-you-didnt-know.84619/

    https://www.nofap.com/rebooting/
     
  8. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 3:

    So far, so good. I'm feeling really confident this time and focused on what I need to DO - not just TRY to do.

    I watched "Hot Girls Wanted" on Netflix last night, to get a better sense of the effects that the porn industry have on the women who are involved in it. Needless to say, I was upset and sad for them that they were part of this superficial and fake "career", but I was more upset at myself for feeding the industry and basically acting like a sexual predator or a rapist, promoting the disturbing and shitty things that the women go through.

    For a long time, I've always justified to myself that "as long as I see the solo pictures and videos, that's better than seeing the more extreme genres of porn, especially when it involved boy on girl". I need to remember - the women who stick to the solo acts are hurting just as much, and are subject to the same scrutiny, pressure, and abuse to look and perform perfectly for their audience. Granted, there may be some breakout stars that are very successful for a long time and truly enjoy it - but at the same time, it's sad to see that that's what they think they are worth. What does the rest of their family thing about what they are doing? And no matter what, indulging in ANY type of porn for long enough will make me desensitized to it, and I will be craving more disturbing and extreme types in the future - something that I have personally noticed over the last 3-4 years. So no matter how "soft" or "light" the porn is - it is JUST AS BAD, and it STILL warrants cutting it out for good.

    These women, these pornstars... are someone's daughter, wife, sister, niece, best friend, what have you. I feel like I've destroyed my sense of respect and dignity for myself and these human beings by fantasizing and jacking off over them... It's disgusting, and in direct conflict with my values.

    I made a final determination that I was never going to watch porn and masturbate again - ever. End of story.

    Moving forward, I made sure to jot the following down, so I can make my strategies for my porn-free lifestyle more concrete and accessible in my mind:

     
  9. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 4:

    Not much to report (no urges thankfully). I'm spending more time on the Nofap forums in the morning and night, pretty much the first and last thing I do in the day. I had issues with my laptop, so I did a clean reinstall of my operating system. Luckily I had my files backed up, so it's all good. I think of that as a metaphorical cleansing of my past experiences with porn. I think I'll stick with that mindset.

    Back to my med school rotations tomorrow. And I'm anxiously waiting for more interview invites for residency. The next few months will be nail-biting lol.
     
  10. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 5:

    Going good here. I had two small... ideas (wouldn’t even call them urges) to look up some movie actresses after watching a movie. I could have said to myself I was going to just see the other films they were in, but I really would have just wanted to advise how they look. So I just stopped pursing the idea to look at that.

    I’m really feeling great and empowered this time. I know that this will be the streak to end all streaks.
     
  11. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 6:

    No urges to report today. Had a great workout session and am about to hit the hay. I need to continuously remind myself of the boundaries I've set with it comes to my electronic device use. So far so good.

    Also, I'm looking into using a meditation app so I can increase my mindfulness and eliminate the times I randomly stare into the distance, when my mind is preoccupied with some anxiety-provoking thought or concern. Any suggestions?
     
  12. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 7:

    Long but awesome day. Passed the last of my medical school board exams for residency, and got another residency interview. No urges to report, and not many other changes (in terms of superpowers and whatnot) either. I'm not expecting much of the latter, though.

    That being said, I do want to improve my confidence when it comes to socializing and making small talk, especially when it comes towards women. Also, to increase in my self-confidence of my abilities to be a great future doctor, and to stand up for my opinions, beliefs, and values. I'm sure that staying away from PMO will make it much easier for me to accomplish these goals.
     
  13. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 8:

    No urges, super tired from the gym, nabbed another interview.

    Good night zzzzzzzz
     
  14. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 9:

    Another day with no urges or other difficulties to report. It was a pretty striking day, nonetheless. I was in my last day of my medical school rotation in child psychiatry, and I had seen a 16 year old guy who was admitted to the psychiatric unit for episodes of anxiety and depression. What mad me feel for him was that he considered himself addicted to porn and masturbation (he had been doing it for the year prior).

    When one of the doctors presented the patient to the rest of the medical team, they pretty much scoffed and made fun at the mere notion that someone can be addiction to something like porn, especially when the person in questions is a male adolescent. In my mind, I just felt sad for the team, as they just did not know that porn addiction is very real. It just goes to show that science and medical practice still had to come up with the findings that places like Your Brain On Porn and Nofap have uncovered.

    In addition, it just strengthened my resolve to kick PMO forever. Having to stay in the psychiatry unit is not a fun experience, as there are many restrictions on what a patient can do, and they are almost always supervised by nurses. whether his anxiety is directly related to his porn use or not, I hope that patient finds the support he needs to cut PMO from his life. He has so much going for him, and his symptoms will definitely improve because of it.
     
  15. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 10:

    No urges to report. Feeling better about myself and my actions everyday.
     
  16. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 11:

    Going strong. I had one of potentially many dreams where I thought I relapsed. There have been times in the past where it was so vivid that I actually woke up out of breath, because I was so worried. So I'll have to keep track of that.

    I've also just been feeling a bit down and anxious about my financial situation, especially during residency interview season. I'm relying on loan funds (which is disappearing fast), my dad had been out of a job since two years now (long story) who is the sole breadwinner of the family, and my mom's a housewife. For the past few months the only source of income has been mainly my loan money. I'm always torn between wanting to provide for my parents financially, but at the same time having enough money to go on these residency interviews, which are stressful in and of themselves. It's going to get worse before it gets better - and when I mean "better", I mean by January, when more of my loan money is disbursed. But until then, the majority of my interviews will be in November and December, and I just don't know how long my money will last for all of us until January.

    Reason why I'm saying all this is that it's this state of mind that can lead me to take care of myself less and slip back into PMO. I'm not saying it will, but I need to make myself aware of it, because I won't be out of this financial difficulty anytime soon.
     
  17. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 12:

    Doing good here. Although I’ve been noticing that I’ve been more tired, especially in the late afternoon after my rotations (and I don’t do much except just stand and shadow). Could’ve due to many other things and not necessarily due to Nofap. On that note, no superpowers either, but that’s not what I’m doing it for.
     
  18. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 13:

    No urges, which is great! I am feeling that my mind is so focused on my new lifestyle, and doesn’t show any sign of letting up. I’m also improving my communication skills with kid patients and their parents, which is a great plus.

    That being said, it’s at the 2 to 3 week mark where I’ve historically relapsed many times (if I was even able to manage the first couple of days)... Not this time! I need to be especially vigilant for the next two weeks, and stay the course.
     
  19. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 16:

    Whoo! passed the 2 week mark!! Congratulations to me :)

    Missed a few days journaling here, but the good thing is I was occupied with other important things in my life. Haven't had any urges to fap, but I had a couple of wet dreams. Even though they can happen without you helping it, I agree there are certain behaviors that we do that can increase the likelihood of having a wet dream - namely, when we see or hear something that is sexually stimulating. For me, I was listening to music that talked about sex and "making" love (The bane of R&B's existence haha), and I feel that it had an effect on me. Going forward, I'll keep an eye (or ear, rather) on the music I listen to. I can't explain it, but this time I just feel so free and have had little incentive to masturbate or watch porn. Whatever it is, I will continue with it and cultivate it. Some more things that I'm doing more regularly are:

    • Journaling in the 5 minute journal app daily (to maintain happiness - and thus resilience - day to day)
    • Learning Spanish via Duolingo
    • Exercising at least 3x a week, 2x of those with weightlifting, 1x for running
    • Guided meditation
    • Increased social interactions during my rotations
    • Reading Quran and being more involved in learning about Islam
     
    Monathilda likes this.
  20. shaza98

    shaza98 Fapstronaut

    Day 17:

    On the interview trail, at last. At a hotel here awaiting for tomorrow, so I won't journal much until I return. Most importantly, no urges, and I'm getting more opportunity to interact with women (the specialty I'm applying to is majority female, so I have a lot of opportunity to practice my social skills lol).
     
    Monathilda likes this.

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