This is my first post in a journal. I will begin simply with where I am. I joined the NoFap forums at the end of last year. Since then, I have made a handful of attempts at no PMO as part of the 21-Challenge. My first attempt was the longest—12 days. Since then, a pattern of weekly relapse has emerged. This is nothing new for me. I have attempted to quit watching pornography in the past. I know that I cannot do it on my own. It is not enough to trust in my own white-knuckling power. So I have sought out relationships of accountability with trusted friends and structures (e.g., Covenant Eyes) to support that. The accountability was never perfect: I would be confiding either with someone who had not struggled with PMO and who could not entirely share my experience, or with someone who watched porn without scruples. The pattern in these relationships of accountability was the same as what I have experienced in the last couple months—namely, that I would take inspiration from the care of others and begin with a decent streak, but then my efforts would devolve into more frequent relapses. I think what I am getting at is this. The acknowledgment that I cannot do this on my own is true. But I take this truth too far. I absolve myself of responsibility to the point where I hope for or expect a new support to solve my problem. Thus the pattern: finding a new support, having a fresh start, and then falling back into old habits. I won’t pretend to know the answer for me. Obviously I haven’t found it. But I will keep looking. And I will make it a practice to journal here a few times a week. On a practical note, I have noticed that my last few relapses have always begun with an inward conversation between my urge and my commitment. The rationalizing power with which my brain validates the urge is overwhelming, and I nearly always give in. The urges come usually at unstructured or unplanned times: at a mealtime when I have nothing prepared and am hungry, or when I have an entire evening ahead of me with no plans or healthy desires. In the days to come, I will try to make these times as few and far between as possible. And when they do arise, I will try not to fight the rationalizing power of my brain, but rather take the urge as a cue simply to do something else, and quick (run, call a friend, shop for groceries, cook, etc.). For the time being, I will move my efforts to the 7-Challenge, and then work my way up from there. Next time I journal, I would like to explore my hopes and wishes for a PMO-free life—in other words, why I am doing all of this in the first place.