Shame, regret and anxiety

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by rediscovery7, May 12, 2019.

  1. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    Very shortly about myself - 29, male, had porn addiction since I was 14. Screwed up by gay porn. HOCD. Fell in love big time with a girl when I was 17, was too anxious/shy to initiate sex so it never happened. Another attempt to have sex at 22 was a fail - I was very very drunk and couldn't get it up and it left me very embarrassed. Then fell deeply into porn addiction and HOCD. As a result, I am still a virgin.

    I've been off porn and masturbation for 70 days. This has proven to be a life-changing experience. I see myself differently now - I am more confident and aware of who I am as a guy. I am regaining my attraction to real women. But there is an overwhelming amount of guilt, anxiety and shame I am experiencing which last week lead to the first signs of depression (it has improved now). A lot of it is extreme overthinking, I know, but for my mental health, I feel like I need to put my concerns out there.

    I dream so badly of falling in love with a woman and being in a relationship with her.

    Could you guys, especially those who had similar experiences and managed to overcome them, give me some tips on the following points:

    1. Shame of being a virgin at 29. The thing is, aside from the addiction, I am a pretty successful guy. In my 20s I managed to get 2 uni degrees, travel, live independently and establish myself with a good well-paid career all by myself. But the idea that while other guys had plenty of sex and relationship fun in their twenties makes me feel like a looser and like I've missed out on so many things...
    2. Shame of being a porn addict. I loath myself. I wish I could be informed about porn addiction when I was a teenager...
    3. When the time will come, should I tell her I've never had sex? Or does it even matter?
    4. How do you deal with performance anxiety? What if I fail to get it up again?
    5. This is a lot of overthinking perhaps... but I am a very affectionate person. What if I fall in love with a girl who I have my first sex with, we develop a long-term relationship and I want to marry her? Should I worry about the fact that she is the only sexual partner I've ever had? When I read similar discussions online, I hear men saying things like 'you will never know what you like about sex if you don't explore it with several different partners', 'you will have problems staying faithful later on' etc...

    If there are any men who lost their virginity later in life as well as those who've had only one sexual partner, I would be very interested to hear your stories/advice.

    Thank you very much in advance for your answers.
     
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  2. robin2752006

    robin2752006 Fapstronaut

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    Am 27 M virgin, rather by choice. Had 2-3 girlfriends, mostly dry humping is the sexual experience I had. Apart from that pretty successful. Educated working successful and independent.
    Most of the guys you say enjoyed sex in their 20s are mostly unsuccessful in life in some important sphere. So there is nothing to worry about coz 30s is all left to rock the ladies.
    That's a shame but it has enabled you to explore yourself. And now I guess that's vital.
    You'll say that you're are monogamous single lady guy for special someone. She might be the one. It really does not matter.
    Performance, I can't suggest anything.

    What is the issue here? Don't you want to fall in love? Or want to love a lot of women? And who do you want to marry among them? And does it really matter if you marry your first love and make love to her your entire life..?

    Chao.
     
    rediscovery7 likes this.
  3. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!
     
  4. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    @SpoonDog I think I have stumbled upon one of your replies and you had previous issues too. If it is not too much to ask, maybe you have any words of encouragement?
     
  5. mcp8419

    mcp8419 Fapstronaut

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    Shame of PMO, being a virgin at a later age, performance issues and worrying what to say to an imaginary future partner all equate to anxiety and overthinking like you say as you are thinking about the past and future. The only way to overcome this is to be in a state of no mind and live in the now. Pay more attention to your body to alleviate overthinking (eg. breathing, exercise) and reduce stress hormones. It's a challenge to be aware of your thoughts all the time but it's possible to catch your thoughts and not get lost in them.
    I'm a 34 year old single guy and last had a girlfriend when I was about 25. I am technically still a virgin as she performed oral but was unwilling to have penetrative sex. These things just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. It will take time to meet the right people in your life just try to overcome your anxiety first.
     
  6. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you man!
     
  7. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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    I had meaningless sex in my 20's, not much but still. Lost my first love because of that, and ofcourse porn. She left when i had my 30-th birthday, in a month got herself a new man. That broke me totally. Drinking, self pity and porn was were i ended up. Now 36y. and slowly recovering from all that pain, selfhatred, anxiety, porn addiction, feeling sorry for myself etc. I can tell you: Men are in their prime after 30. The ones who are quite succsessful, moraly stable etc. are the highest value for women. You dont need to tell that you are virgin, not right away (psychologically they think that theres smthng wrong with you). Allso i think that when you meet that special someone, you can feel it inside that its ok to tell her. Performance anxiety, for that take a small blue pill and put it in your wallet or somewhere easily accsessable place. When needed use it. And still, with that special someone i dont think you need it. First time is allways filled with performance anxiety.
    No, you dont need to worry that you have had sex with one woman, if you love that woman it will be the best sex youll ever had.Hope you find yourself a good girlfriend and future wife someday and avoid the same mistakes i did. Stay strong
     
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  8. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, thank you for your reply! I hope things will turn out great for you too!
     
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  9. SpoonDog

    SpoonDog Fapstronaut

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    @rediscovery7 thanks for tagging me in and only too happy to try and provide some words of support. I was 31 before I had sex and had my first girlfriend. I found being 29 was a particularly difficult age with the prospect of turning 30 hanging over me and I was depressed at times. That was five years ago and feels like a lifetime in some ways. And I fully agree with 'Despicable me' above when he says "Men are in their prime after 30". Turning 30 may well be a new beginning for you... To take your points one at a time....

    1. You have been a successful guy, and you have a lot going for you. These are all selling points to successful partners. In my online dating profiles for example, I always emphasise that I have my own house, good job etc. Even if online dating isn't your cup of tea, you always want to emphasise these points both to yourself and to potential partners, not in a bragging way, but it shows you would make an excellent partner to someone. Also remember that because you don't have a string of broken relationships behind you, you are a baggage free zone. I felt the same way about my 20's, and used to stay awake at night thinking about everything I thought I'd missed out on. But now I don't really consider it. It's the past. You can't change it. Your life has worked out the way it has and you have to concentrate on the present. If you meet the right woman, it really doesn't make a jot of difference because everything in your past has led you to this person. And anyway, people who've had dozens of sexual partners are no happier than the rest of us...
    2. I wouldn't worry too much about porn addiction. Obviously I'm here too because I felt I had a problem. But in the grand scheme of things, it isn't something you want to lose any sleep over.
    3. I personally didn't intend on telling my first girlfriend I'd never had sex, but she'd grilled me on past relationships and when I was evasive about it, she got the truth out of me. She really didn't care. So I wouldn't tell anyone unless they ask because although you may fear the worst, it just comes naturally and they're not going to know. I know woman may look like pro's in the bedroom department when we watch porn, but in real life (in my experience) they're generally more clumsy.
    4. The more you think about performance anxiety, the more it's likely to happen. You just need to relax, take it very slowly and make sure you're sober.
    5. I find it's best not to look at such discussions online. Just one flippant comment can gnaw away at you, such as the ones you quoted. If the first person you sleep with ends up being the last one then great. I don't think it will make you any more likely to be unfaithful.

    I think you need a plan for how you will go about meeting potential partners. I have done it through online dating, but there are many other options. But hold your nerve, be confident, stay off the porn and get out there and start meeting people, and it will happen for you soon enough.
     
    Despicable me likes this.
  10. rediscovery7

    rediscovery7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you man! I think your post will make it likely that I will actually sleep tonight... I never had anxiety or depression before 29... it is a fucked up age. 1 thing that really changed within me after I've quit porn is that I have suddenly grown up. I actually feel like I am a man of my actual age, not like a child anymore. I think porn just makes you live within your head while the actual life is happening outside of it...
    I hope things are going well for you!
     
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  11. Despicable me

    Despicable me Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that insight, thats one piece of the puzzle ive been missing.
     

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