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Shame Question

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Hopefulgirl, Nov 16, 2017.

  1. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I am curious if shame contributes to your porn addiction and if so, how?
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2017
    noonoon likes this.
  2. It's a vicious cycle. Shame about porn leads you back into porn as an escape from how shitty you feel.
     
  3. Jerk Reaction

    Jerk Reaction Fapstronaut

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    Having an orgasm from engaging in an activity that causes me to be shameful just rewards the shame, bringing me back for more. In my case repeat several times a day for over 50 years. Shame has a huge part to play in my feeling fucked up. Still feeling strong in week 2 of no PMO.
     
  4. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    Oh my yes, very definitely. Porn and masturbation have been longer term ways that I have hidden from a great many feelings - especially the shame I learned / developed very early on in my life.

    So here's how it goes: Shame - or something close enough to shame - gets triggered and I seek escape. My escape of choice for a very long while has been p and m. The 'only' problem with this dynamic is p and m inevitably triggers more shame. Which, of course, I seek to escape by...

    Is it any wonder that at one point in this addiction I was spending as many as eleven hours straight sitting in front of a computer screen? I am so grateful that through my recovery group and friends, and through nofap and everyone here this has shifted significantly.

    I still feel shame, to be honest. I still feel a draw toward that cycle. But it's nothing like it was and today I am at eight days!
     
  5. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing and congrats on 8 days! Keep going!
     
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  6. C_m

    C_m Fapstronaut

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    Check out Brené Brown's work on shame.
     
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  7. MonkeyPuzzle

    MonkeyPuzzle Fapstronaut

    I think it does for everyone. Shame and taboo are closely linked, look at all the taboo based porn categories. I think it works as an amplifier for the 'novelty' experience that the brain enjoys.. but then you get that cognitive dissonance where you know what you're doing isn't healthy or normal, but it felt good.. then your brain begins to connect shame with pleasure and you get caught in a cycle.

    It's a big complex subject and I'm still learning about all this myself. There are no doubt biological reasons to feel shame about having sex without responsibility as we are designed to care for the life we create, and our brains can't tell the difference between masturbation and actual sex.
     
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  8. @Sadgirl I see it this way.
    Shame is a normal emotion on something that I do.
    On something ..... shameful that I do.
    I've seen and done many things I would never ever show to anybody. But.... only seeing and doing it with myself gives me a huge amount of shame.

    And because of this shame, the immediate reaction is... hiding myself. That shows me that I certainly know that what I was doing, is absolutely fault. So shame is creating the well known prison. Get rid of your shame and the prison will disappear.

    Playing the open cards is the only way to get rid of the shame and to revive again.
    But.... then there is the fear to be judged. I really really hope that you have somebody in your life you have the bravery to speak up everything that bothers you. And that that person will then answer with..... love.

    I have to say that shame is quiet and invisible. It's an emotion I had to learn that it exists, and I was surprised when I became conscious of it for the first time.

    Yes, I read her book and learned a lot about it.
     
  9. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    Yes it does. I think part of this is an addiction to shame. I think we are more addicted to shame than we think.
    Shame also is a motivating force for relapse.
     
  10. Shame that I can't just stop. That it takes such effort and resources. That I've wasted days, weeks, months?? doing it.
     
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  11. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Yeah, can totally agree with it. Shame and addiction go hand in hand. Sometimes you don't even know which was first.
     
  12. Speaking for myself I was addicted to fear.
    Shame is the result of the act (using porn to handle fear (or call it insecurity...))
     
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  13. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    Shame, fear, doubt, insecurity, self sabotage, it’s all part of the same demon…
    How do we stop? I’m 67 days without porn and masterbation. But I haven’t don this perfectly, a few days ago I got ancy and looked up some models online. wasn’t porn but it was triggering. let me tell you that after you clear your system of all this, that felt like porn. Even though it wasn’t. It brought the urges back. we have to be resilient. Explore the shame, break it down. Write about it. Write about why we might want shame in our lives, even though it seems like the opposite. Ask yourself what kind of porn you like and ask why. What do you get from it? Put everything under a microscope. Let me tell you after doing that, the desire to use porn diminishes drastically. See through the illusion of it. See it for what it is: shame and darkness.

    Now some people might think what I’m saying is absurd. I wish it was. I wish I could look at porn right now and just go on with my day completely unaffected by it. No it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t do heroine and cocaine and expect your body to have not been impacted at all. You can’t jump off a cliff and expect nothing to get broken. I just know that when I don’t use porn, my life transforms for the better. I don’t understand every reason why. I understand some of it. But some of it is baffling. We all have the power to stop. But we need help and resources. I try to get as much help as I can everyday if necessary.
     
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  14. If you want to be truly honest to yourself....
    Everything you look up intending to give you stimulation.... IS porn.
    Your intention here is amazing important.

    And by the way: It truly helps to make a distinguish between emotions.
    Fear = Cause
    Shame = Result

    If you work on your shame, you never will process the root issues because shame is just a result of it.
     
  15. lekasenor

    lekasenor Fapstronaut

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    The last sentence you said makes zero sense. Shame is very closely tied to a root issue. It might not be the root issue itself but it is closely linked. By working on shame, you can shed light on the root issues. You can’t ignore shame. That won’t work. The more you identify the shame, the more clarity you will have. The less of an appeal porn will have. And the closer you will be to understanding the real causes that drive you to porn.

    If you want to get more universal about porn. Porn is everywhere. It has infiltrated our culture: magazines, billboards, ads, movies. It’s everywhere. It’s impossible to keep it all out. But! If you can start with simply eliminating hardcore, softcore, and nudity you’re off to a good start. So yes, by looking up some bikini photos yes in a figurative way that’s porn. However, the consequences of looking at some bikini photos are nowhere near as devastating as viewing hardcore porn or traditional porn. Do I have to explain why? It should be obvious. Shame is not just a result. It’s also a cause. You haven’t seen that yet. It takes some time and exploration to really identify how prevalent a force shame is in all this.
     
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  16. Well I can agree with you on this point as things are sort of layered deep inside of us.

    I wasn't telling you you have to ignore shame.
     
  17. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

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    Yes after a 8 month streak I feel next to no shame I strengthened my relationship with god tried new things like cooking and mountain biking and love them I realized that pmo was killing my confidence and emasculating me into obessesing over sex instead of finding my purpose and self development also I realized pmo has messed up my brain because it was all about instant gratification but life doesn't work like that you get what you put in and I'm realizing all the love I was searching for is truly inside and God was always there and through all the pain and suffering and sexual dysfunction I learned that life is to be cherished and to be grateful and present and not to fall in the trap of using people and possessions and desires to acquire happiness I'm still working on it but I'm happy I made a commitment to NoFap and this community is amazing
     
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  18. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful!!! Bless you :)
     
  19. The cycle is vicious. If I spent as much time studying law as I spent studying porn videos , I'd be the best lawyer in America. If I now spend that time I use to spend watching porn studying how to live a fun , profitable, exciting and interesting life , I'll be the happiest man in the world.
     
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  20. I was sexually shamed by my parents. When I was around 12-13, when I first discovered my sexuality, I quickly learned to enjoy watching the many beer commercials featuring half-naked women and I watched them over and over again and certain soap operas like Baywatch. My mother discovered this about me and she confronted me one day and said that she would tell my father (who was physically abusive) and that he would beat the living crap out of me for being a pervert. Instead of engaging with me in a heart-to-heart talk about human sexuality, I was instead punished, shamed, and embarrassed. I would often cry when I felt sexual urges because I couldn't make them go away.

    When my parents were not around, I would satisfy my curiosity by watching porn but I could always hear my parents in my mind condemning me. I quickly learned that liking girls and being curious about sex was immoral, wrong, ugly, shameful, and perverted. Fast-forward 27 years and now I am a 40 year old virgin who is still grossed out by intercourse and will likely remain a virgin for life. For me, the shame led to the complete suppression of sexual desire which then led to porn: I became a sexual anorexic having occasional binge periods of PMO.

    Every now and then when my parents ask me why I am not married or whether I am gay, I feel like telling them that sex is gross, disgusting, immoral, and that they are hypocrites for having sex.
     

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