Shall I tell my wife-to-be about my PMO problem?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by determinedtosucceed, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. determinedtosucceed

    determinedtosucceed Fapstronaut

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    I am afraid she would refused my proposal if I tell her
     
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  2. Lakeside

    Lakeside Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry mate, but you have to tell her. You can't ask someone to spend the rest of their life with you when you aren't even being fully honest with them about what that might involve. Because at some point she will find out, and she'll be forced to deal with that because you essentially didn't give her a choice ... plus you just have to be honest anyway; how can you marry someone you aren't honest with?
     
  3. Lakeside

    Lakeside Fapstronaut

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    But on an encouraging note, if she actually loves you there's a very good chance she'll take it much much better than you think (I speak from personal experience)
     
  4. You are asking a question you already know the answer to

    My wife @ccrowegreen can give you 19 years worth of reasons why you need to tell her
     
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  5. No easy answer despite all the morality involved. Expect the worst reply. You just never know.
    I was persuaded by what I read here, how some guys' gals were understanding and supportive. I went for it.
    My guts were sliced open by her. We are healing now and ever so much better than before.
    Its a risk.
    As a male I didnt think her response to me would have been so damning and extreme. But when I try to think of myself in her shoes, I can see it more clearly.
    No easy decision, thats all I will say.
     
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  6. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    There's a big difference between how you handled it and how he's proposing to handle it. I believe your situation shows the very reason why he should tell her now...instead of 27 years from now. Your wife was lied to and deceived for all that time before she had the truth, and consequently, she has an unbelievable amount of pain and damage to work through now. Had you told her in the beginning, I'm sure it would have been much easier for her to deal with because PMO is a lot less to accept without the addition of 27 years of lies and hidden behavior.

    @determinedtosucceed I think it's clear that telling her is the only way to go. Otherwise you'll end up in a situation where you wish you could go back in time and tell her, and obviously you can't. Don't make the same mistake so many others have, and save her from years of pain and sorrow.
     
  7. determinedtosucceed

    determinedtosucceed Fapstronaut

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    I think it would be easier to just break the engagement. What were I thinking?
     
  8. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    You have to give her the control , and the decision to decide whatever is best for her . You don't want to tell her because you want to control and decide this for her when it's really not yours to decide and you really have no control over any of it.
    Trust me, as hard as it will be to tell her and as hard as she may react. The ONLY way you two will have any sort of successful marriage is you tell her and give her the power for once . And the ONLY way you will ever fully fully recover from your PMO is when you are honest with YOURSELF. Maybe for the first time in your life. And that means being able to stand in front of the mirror and say " I am honest " and the only way to do that and not feel like shit. Is to tell her everything. The sooner the better.
    Again she may flip out , and she even may at first call off the wedding. But when time passes , she's she may realize that you told her something so scary and she could appreciate the honesty .
    Your relationship could be better than. It ever was ! But the main thing I want a say is again you will never ever ever ever ever really start to recover from your PMO until you let everything single thing out sooner the better.
    Don't just call off the wedding . That would hurt her a hell of alot more than you telling her what's really up. And that's the addiction still trying to control the situation. And that's your addiction trying to isolate itself so it can still be active.
    Stare that addiction demon right in the face and say fuck you .and be brave and start to fight it. And the best way to do that is to come out of the shadows and expose it to the light like a cockroach.
    Good luck . We are all here for you
     
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  9. Yes, breaking the engagement with a lie or worse without telling her why is the absolute worse thing you can do.

    One of the core principals of recovery is rigorious honesty, or telling the truth regardless of the consequences.

    You dont have the right to make her decisions, have the respect for her and love to tell her the truth and let her make her decisions....you may be shocked in a good or bad way. But you will be honest and there is no regret in that space
     
  10. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Dude, would you rather your fiancé tell you she had addiction to other men's dicks on the screen and frequent masturbation OR her hide it from you? Picture yourself in her shoes--it's just that simple. If you start your marriage with secrets and lies you will not have a lasting marriage. She will find out and if she finds out herself without you disclosing it to her first she will be more unforgiving and angry for your betrayal. Trust me, I know.
     
  11. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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  12. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    As so of pa I can tell you, that only because he was always honest and never lied about anything I am still with him, decided to marry him and have a lot of hope in the future. And your fiance has a big advantage already over many - you already are on nofap, you already fight against the problem. It took me 3-4 years to prove him, that he has a problem. And probably she already feels, that something is not really healthy in the relationship and probably puts aside her needs because she thinks you're worth it, even if you sometimes act weird. She will now just know what is wrong and that as you're working on it, future will be better than now
     
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  13. determinedtosucceed

    determinedtosucceed Fapstronaut

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    I called it off. I think I need to deal with my PMO first and then think about marriage.
     
  14. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    That must have been very difficult. I hope you were able to be honest with her about why.

    Steps like that are what truly put your feet on the path to recovery. It is how we tell ourselves that we are truly committed. If I can ever serve you as an AP, please feel free to reach out to me directly. I am wishing you good success on your journey toward a new kind of life!
     
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  15. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    And if you get cancer, you will tell her also first when it's over? That's the thing, in partnership you tell each other problems and deal with them together. There will be a lot of over problems in your life. Now she's wondering what did she did wrong, that you don't want to marry her.
     
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  16. RockyMountain

    RockyMountain Fapstronaut

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    That was a tough cal but good job. I have had 2 partners in the last 8 years. The first one I told and she was very supportive and helpful loving and understanding.

    The second partner I did not tell and we grew apart because I kept going to PMO and lost my sexual attraction tho her. After 4 years it ended.

    8 months later I am finally talking about my PMO struggle. You made the right move by choosing to learn and grow now.
     
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  17. determinedtosucceed

    determinedtosucceed Fapstronaut

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    It was difficult, but I prefer that to lying to her. Also, I could not tell her that is why I called it off.
    I really can use an accountability partner. I would be really thankful for you
     
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  18. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    I look forward to talking further soon.
     

  19. I am not judging but I am confused, did you tell her why you were breaking it off or did you just break it off.....if she is wonderiNg why that will be worse than knowing IMO
     
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  20. Chefb87

    Chefb87 Fapstronaut

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    Dererminedtosucceed. You couldn't tell her what was going on with you so you called off the wedding? So now she's really thinking it's all her fault.
    It was easier for you to call off the wedding and devestated her, instead of telling her what's really going on for fear of how she would react correct ?
    That is exactly what your addiction wants.

    I hope you're able to soemday tell her what's going on. She deserves to know
     
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